9) I will turn it over to God

Mark is clearly a man who basis his understanding on actually reading the Bible and the words of Jesus. I encourage everyone who wants to live by the standard of Christianity to "Go, and do likewise."

I particularly agree with "Do not muddle things up by including the I Corinthians 7 passage in your situation. It clearly does NOT apply under the current discussion."

So BC, are you clear that you CAN re marry once you have divorced this woman?

On a more touchy feely note, The lord loves you. Do you really believe your heavenly father would want YOU punished for the rest of your life due to the sins of your STXWW?

Because I don't

Wow. Exactly!

You sound like a very spiritual man.

Please speak to your pastor/priest about this and don't take the word of some well meaning people on an internet forum.

Remarrying is a very tough subject and may or may not be as easy as some would believe.

You especially don't want to "take the word of some well meaning people on an internet forum" when they are directly quoting the words of Jesus Himself. (Unless you believe that pastors and priests are much better at telling you what Jesus said than He is Himself.) One of my favorite preachers liked to recite this little verse:

"What says the Bible, the blessed Bible?"
This my only question be.
The teachings of men so often mislead us.
What says the Bible to me?

I would agree that there are many Bible texts which invite multiple opinions, and have to be studied, compared with other, plainer texts, in order to find the correct meaning. Matthew 19:9 is NOT one of them. Choose the unambiguity of Christ as opposed to the obfuscation of men.

tl

The main things are the plain things and the plain things are the main things...

To understand the true meaning of any passage you have to keep several things in clear focus:
1) What is the context? This has as much to do with the audience, the time, the circumstances and the current culture as it does to the words themselves that surround the passage.
2) Is the passage using simple communicative methods or is it using literary methods such as hyperbole, metaphor, irony, etc?
3) Is the passage an analogy meant to demonstrate or reinforce a particular point or does the passage simply state that point?
4) Does the passage make a claim to be the words of God, such as when a prophet says "Thus says the Lord" or is it describing the actions and interactions of men, not all of whom can be said to be doing what God requires?
5) Is there some very clear message that is being conveyed that is applicable to your circumstances?
6) Does what you understand the meaning of the passage to be agree with other things that the scriptures have said are the will and commands of God as opposed to being something that is off the wall and in direct opposition to any other passage?
7) Whenever possible, the original language of transmission should be compared for similarities and differences in meaning, this is also part of context in some cases.
8) What do those who have already studied the passage in depth have to say and what is the predominate understanding of the passage?
9) What is the subject of the passage? Is it addressing a specific idea or command of God or is it the idle musings of the author? Paul for example will often SAY when he is offering an opinion and not something he believes is God's specific will for the circumstances.
10) Scripture always needs to be used in interpretation of scripture. A single text cannot be pulled for context to support a pretext. The final authority on all scripture is scripture itself.

In the Matthew 19 passage:

Who is Jesus addressing and what were the cultural norms of that day? What specifically was Jesus discussing with them? They asked a question and He was answering it. What was that question and does it have any reference to the topic of divorce? Is there some other way to understand the topic or the words of Jesus that would indicate that the clear words He spoke to those listening meant something other than or beyond what He was saying? Are there other passages that clearly state that divorce following a faithful spouse being betrayed through adultery cannot remarry? Under what context and what circumstances where those words given to us?

We could analyze this passage for days and I am not sure that anything we came up with would indicate that Jesus did not mean exactly what He was saying. Divorce for just any reason is not permitted. Then he makes one single exception to that rule and sates very clearly that the one thing that does not apply to the question is marital unfaithfulness. While we might argue as to whether or not viewing porn is considered such by God or if refusing to support the family because you spend all your money at strip clubs means the same thing and is a viable reason to be allowed to remarry following divorce, adultery clearly falls into the category of marital unfaithfulness and so I think the passage, in context, under these circumstances clearly applies to the situation being addressed in this thread.

Samuel Clemens said, "Some people are troubled by portions of scripture that they do not understand. I am most troubled by those that I do understand."

Mark

BC, another point added to all the above wisdom of this board is this:

It is easy to "fall asleep" and believe a person's mere WORDS and WHAT THEY SAY when they claim to be a Christian or believe in God, etc.

I did that all my life. Then I found out that ANYONE, even the EVIL ONE himself, can say they are a Christian. ANYONE can say they live for Christ. ANYONE is welcome to go to church.

But very few of these people are living a Christian life which stresses actively loving God and others and living accordingly.

If a person is hurting others by thier actions and they are not remorseful and continue on hurting other precious people (people who are loved by God), then they are not living any kind of a Christian life.

You must not "fall asleep" believing only somebody's WORDS but remain on the alert and AWAKE and observe:

1. How they treat other people
2. What motivates them in life
3. What kind of life do they choose to live
4. How they justify hurting other people
5. If they are motivated by love in all that they do
6. How much self-interest they have
7. If they love others, or just USE others.

There are many other things to observe when thinking about if a person could be considered as living a Christian life. But the important thing is to look at thier actions, not thier words.

By the way I do not judge a person anymore or try to say they are a Christian or a Non Christian.

I just view thier life, the fruits of thier life, the actions they do everyday and how it affects those around them, and the level of love they have for others,

And I can tell where thier hearts are. And that is all I need to know about them. Then I either let them come close to me or keep them out of my life.

Toxic damaging selfish people are OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD. I cannot and will not accept this toxicity in my precious life only to drag me down and hurt me and other people.

scary

I meant no harm and was not commenting one way or another on a particular verse in scripture. I just thought he should speak to the person in his life that leads him on his personal spiritual journey, namely the leader of his church.

Seemed reasonable.

To all of you who have helped me walk through this I want to say thank you. I want to recognize what JL, Mark, Bubbles, Thundernlightning Markos had to say. I have been pondering the responses on this thread over the past week. I have read and re-read and I must say the impact has been dramatic.

I am wondering if anyone else has gone through the process where your thoughts of restoration of the marriage is what you focus on and hope for. Then one day it feels like something has dramatically changed. The feeling and the desire to restore the relationship evaporates. I feel like my obligation has been discharged and I cannot explain why.

As I read over the posts there are some significant issues that have helped me sort things out.
1) You have helped me realize I am free to remarry is that opportunity arises.
2) The recognition that the person I married is not the person that is there now
3) She is cake eating by thinking she can have a plan B - I will be there if things do not work out for her with OM
4) She claims to still believe in God yet her actions do not line up with her beliefs.
5) She feels entitled to continue with the affair as she has stated - "this is what happens when you get as low as I did"
6) She will not take responsibility or consider that she had any part to play in the breakdown of the relationship. She was not honest about her feelings.
7) I am becoming more confident in myself - that there will be an honourable, trustworthy, reliable woman out there who can love me back. And I will meet this person when the time is right.
8) That I need to listen to some of the feedback from my children and friends that feel that something has "snapped" and her behaviour is erratic and surprising. And the feedback that she seems obsessed with OM. When they are together all she can talk about is OM and how he is letting her down or times they are having fun. How he seems self absorbed, but they have fun etc....
9) I am finally realizing that she is only interested in how she feels. She says she has to follow her feelings and not just rationale. I have learned she may be stuck in her early teen years emotionally, and is stuck in her maturity development.

It has been a long painful process. I have heard that Plan B helps protect ourselves emotionally and helps preserve the remaining love for ones spouse. I have been in Plan B and I no longer feel like I have love for my spouse. As JL pointed out I feel like I don't know this person any more. Is this normal to feel this way? This release I feel, is it normal? Is this just the impact time has on a person?

BC I am so glad you are becoming settled with this issue.

Seems like whenever a big life changing issue comes up that we need to deal with, it takes the mind a while to chew it over, work it over, look at all the facts, look at all sides of it, look at the pluses and minuses of the different choices,etc. It is A LOT to go thru for the mind. And emotions, and the spirit.

You have a complex thing here, but like a tooth extraction, it is almost done:

You have a combo of things your mind, body and emotions have had to chew over. This has been brought on by her selfish, cheating, hypocritical, non caring behavior. It is not something YOU wanted but something SHE caused.

You have here:

1. A difficult issue
2. A spousal issue
3. A decision to be made of how to handle it
4. Guilt issues
5. Spiritual/God issues
6. Seeing your wife as she is not what you want her to be
7. Looking at selfishness when you are not selfish yourself.
8. Facing some of your fears
9. Lining up plans for yourself to deal with this
10. Thinking of other relationships someday
11. Your children, what they say, what they want, what is best
12. What God wants
13. Dealing with all this in the midst of your dissapointment and pain due to your wifes cheating.

All this is a lot, and you have been chewing on this for a while now. Finally your mind has grasped most of it and the chewing part is almost over!

Good going, it is a long process! The results will be positive. Keep on progressing in your lifetime journey.

So when does it matter when you end Plan B. I realize now that if I see my wife it will not matter any longer. Somehow in my mind she is a stranger to me. It is almost like an acquaintance that you once knew but no longer.

This is so weird, that once my heart felt torn but now it does not seem to matter. It is like it is done. I could run in to her at my kids place and it feels like I would be running in to a stranger, which she is now.

How does this happen? Is this the healing property of time. I am amazed at how this has taken place. I am analytical and it is bothering me that I cannot find an explanation on how this transpires. I believe we can learn from the challenges we have in life so we can pass along what we learn. Right now I could not explain how this happened. It just changed. Has anyone else experienced this?

Blessings
BCBoy

**edit**

when illusions end...what is left?
Reality.
You are aware of who your wife is now. You see her for what she is really, not the things you attributed to her that were never there.
If she was ever so great how come that is gone? What is real is never lost. What comes and goes is just an illusion, it is not love. Love stays.
If we could see life always with this sort of awareness then we would have no trouble at all.
We would not put people on pedestals and see them as wonderful.
Time has nothing to do with this. Having suffered and surrendered to it has brought you the solution you needed.

blessing

Yes. BC you are now rooted in the TRUTH of the matter and the TRUTH of your wife. Whenever you are rooted and "walking in" the TRUTH it is really nice.

TRUTH banishes fears, doubts, confusion, etc. I dont know why the TRUTH is so simple and powerful and wonderful....

But it is all that and more!

BCB,

I'll start with a quote that I have always found to be very profound

You have arrived whether you wanted to or not at the state that is "the opposite of love". I does come as was just stated when you see the person she is now, and realize that the person you married is no longer that person.

We all change, and marriages change. Our changes can lead us to grow together or to grow apart. It would seemed your W grew away from you. She has allowed you a very clear out of the marrigage Biblically. In my opinion she has allowed you to remarry if and when you decide to do so.

But, mostly she has allowed you to see the woman she has grown into and for you to see her current value system. The fact that you do share her value system indicates she grew away. The fact that you no longer feel much for her means you are clearly seeing the situation the currently exists.

I believe what has happened with regard to your feelings is very normal. It is part of the healing.

God Bless,

JL

BC,

By now you know intimately how the Love Bank model works.

If we spend time with someone, with them meeting ENs, doing nothing to take away love units from their account, they build a balance in our Love Bank until the romantic threshold is passed and we are "IN LOVE" with that person. In most cases, we do the same for them and they fall in love with us as well.

Well, guess what happens when you don't spend time together, don't meet ENs for each other, only make withdrawals from the old Love Bank by hurting each other and doing nothing to sustain intimacy and maintain a high balance...

Care, Protection, Time and Honesty lead to feelings of being in love.

No care, no Protection, no Time and no Honesty lead to not feeling in love...

It's how we drift apart in many marriages and how we stop loving someone.

The tag line from the radio show sums it up for us: "Why do we fall in love? Why do we fall out of love and how is love restored?"

It's really a very simple model. If you do A, the result is B. Don't do A and there is no B, only an X...

I know you knew that, but I haven't posted all day and was having withdrawals.



Mark

OK am I dreaming or what?

Since I posted here about my decision I cannot believe what is happening in my life. Today I have had four different women show significant interest in going out with me. Now I have not asked them, or indicated that I am looking. I am not planning on acting on anything until I get my papers filed.

Is somebody trying to tell me something? What a confidence booster. It just makes me feel good to think that one classy lady would like to spend some time with me, but four different ones, in one day? This is after nothing in two years!!!! Do we give off some kind of chemical once we make a decision? All I can say is bizarre. It certainly gives me hope for the future, but somebody pinch me cause I need to wake up as I must be dreaming.

Thanks guys for all your support and encouragement. You truly are a special group of individuals.

Blessings
BCBoy

Just be careful with new women....you know how a woman can hide her selfishness and appear to be nice. You will have to go slow when you date and protect yourself until you have observed them for a long time and judged them to be non toxic and trustworthy.

Divorcing your current wife shows that your life is going toward MENTAL HEALTH. It shows that you value yourself. So others can now see that you are valuable since you value yourself.

If you were willing to put up with your wife's selfishness and cheating behavior, then that would show to everyone that you did not care for yourself nor value yourself.

Right now, you are feeling that you value yourself enough not to take abuse. That is very good.