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we have talked and then he called in sick to work on Wed. What a roller coaster ride this is. On Wed. he suggested we each come up with a plan that we need to work on to save our marriage. I thought this was a great idea. I went to work right away on my plan. Took a lot of time and effort to make mine. I sent him an e-mail on Friday stating that my plan was done and that I wanted to talk this weekend. I even told him on Friday night, and we agreed to talk on Sat. night. Well that never happened of course. He said he didn't have his plan done but would and we would talk on Sunday. And of course that never happened either. So my plan B letter goes out to him tomorrow.

I will post my letter so you all can help me edit it if need be.

thanks


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Jun 2010
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Plan B letter

Dear,_________


I really liked your idea of each of us coming up with a plan on what we would work on to save this marriage. Unfortunately, even though your idea, it did not have as much of an importance for you as it did for me. I think I made it very clear to you that I wanted to talk about it this weekend. When I approached you about talking, it was clear that you made no attempt to make your plan, and even though we agreed to talk on Sunday, each with our plans, it was clear that you had no intentions to do so.


With that said, I do truly love you. The last few months I have been through a lot. I understand that some of my behaviors led us to this point in our relationship. I apologize to you for my part in creating the environment that helped make your affair with Leslie possible. Although I've ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you and our marriage. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I said and did many things in anger that I never meant. I know I hurt you. I wish I never did them, but can't change that now. If I had known what I know now, it never would have happened.


I foolishly put the kids first and our marriage on the back burner
without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important
emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we
are now both suffering for my mistake. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I
have made in the past and create a NEW life for us that will meet your
needs. I truly believe that it is possible. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Leslie once and for all.


Since you seem to have an emotional connection with Leslie and do not wish to try and repair our marriage, you must know how much this is hurting me. I cannot go on like this. Until you make a decision to quit the affair, I will not be able to have any contact with you. I'm not doing this to "punish" or "get back" at you. It is solely for my well being.


Please know I do still love you and I want nothing more than to get back together and repair our marriage. When you decide you want to give us a chance, then I will be ready to discuss our future, but NOT until your affair and emotional connection to Leslie is over and you no longer have any contact with her. Your continued contact with Leslie and your lack of commitment to this marriage are too painful for me. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of this. I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing you with are still in contact with her. I can't fight for our
marriage alone anymore. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Leslie I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family.


I want to be able to rebuild our Marriage someday. I want us to be able
to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt
each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do
makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate or
to have "friends" other than each other again. I want to be your best
friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you
as my best friend. I have spent the last 15 years loving you. I loved you the first night that 6th street first brought us together as I love you right up to this day. I just cannot
be with you or help you anymore as long as you are connected to her.


You had offered to leave, and I am now taking you up on that offer. You may see the children and we will work out visitation per our work schedules.

Now our Marriage is in your hands.


With all my love,








BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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That is a good first draft. PLEASE DO NOT SEND THAT OUT. There is a lot of tweeking that needs to be done and I don't trust myself to be your only editor.

Where is the parts about your IM? You know that Plan B means going NO CONTACT with your WH. You CAN NOT talk/IM/Text/email.

I will look over this some more and I hope others will have a chance to as well. Plan B should not be entered into out of a purely emotional reaction to something you WH did or said. It should be done as part of your plan. HOLD OFF FOR A MINUTE okay?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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what is IM?


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Jun 2010
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Thanks and will hold off until some editing is done with the help of all of you.

Thanks


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted by fantieverdun
Plan B letter

Dear,_________


I really liked your idea of each of us coming up with a plan on what we would work on to save this marriage. Unfortunately, even though your idea, it did not have as much of an importance for you as it did for me. I think I made it very clear to you that I wanted to talk about it this weekend. When I approached you about talking, it was clear that you made no attempt to make your plan, and even though we agreed to talk on Sunday, each with our plans, it was clear that you had no intentions to do so.


With that said,
I do truly love you. The last few months I have been through a lot. I understand that some of my behaviors led us to this point in our relationship. I apologize to you for my part in creating the environment that helped make your affair with Leslie possible. Although I've ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you and our marriage. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I said and did many things in anger that I never meant. I know I hurt you. I wish I never did them, but can't change that now. If I had known what I know now, it never would have happened.


I foolishly put the kids first and our marriage on the back burner without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a NEW life for us that will meet your needs. I truly believe that it is possible. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Leslie once and for all.


Since you seem to have an emotional connection with Leslie and do not wish to try and repair our marriage, you must know how much this is hurting me. I cannot go on like this. Until you make a decision to quit the affair, I will not be able to have any contact with you. I'm not doing this to "punish" or "get back" at you. It is solely for my well being.


Please know I do still love you and I want nothing more than to get back together and repair our marriage. When you decide you want to give us a chance, then I will be ready to discuss our future, but NOT until your affair and emotional connection to Leslie is over and you no longer have any contact with her. Your continued contact with Leslie and your lack of commitment to this marriage are too painful for me. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of this. I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing you with are still in contact with her. I can't fight for our
marriage alone anymore.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Leslie I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family.


I want to be able to rebuild our Marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate or
to have "friends" other than each other again. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I have spent the last 15 years loving you. I loved you the first night that 6th street first brought us together as I love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you anymore as long as you are connected to her.



You had offered to leave, and I am now taking you up on that offer. You may see the children and we will work out visitation per our work schedules. through xxxx, who will handle these arrangements between us until such time as you decide to return to the marriage.

Now our Marriage is in your hands.


With all my love,
Unfortunately waywards have the attention span of a squirrel named "Hammy". Your letter has quite a bit of repetition and more detail than he needs or can comprehend right now. Let this be sufficient for now. Others will come along and improve on content, but I just edited out the redundancy and focused on the content most important for him to understand.

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Quote
Plan B letter

Dear,_________


I really liked your idea of each of us coming up with a plan on what we would work on to save this marriage. Unfortunately, even though your idea, it did not have as much of an importance for you as it did for me. I think I made it very clear to you that I wanted to talk about it this weekend. When I approached you about talking, it was clear that you made no attempt to make your plan, and even though we agreed to talk on Sunday, each with our plans, it was clear that you had no intentions to do so.


With that said, I do truly love you.
The last few months I have been through a lot. I understand that some of my behaviors led us to this point in our relationship. I apologize to you for my part in creating the environment that helped make your affair with LeslieOW this is for US. possible. Although I've ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you and our marriage. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I said and did many things in anger that I never meant. I know I hurt you. I wish I never did them, but can't change that now. If I had known what I know now, it never would have happened.


I foolishly put the kids first and our marriage on the back burner without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. us. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a NEW life for us that will meet your
needs.
make us both feel fulfilled. I truly believe that it is possible. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.


Since you seem to have an emotional connection with Leslie and do not wish to try and repair our marriage, you must know how much this is hurting me. I cannot go on like this. Until you make a decision to quit theend your affair, I will not be able to have any contact with you. I'm not doing this to "punish" or "get back" at you. It is solely for my well being.the best thing for us and our marriage. Our friends IM have agreed to be intermediary for us. You can contact them at 555-555-1100 or email them at BOOGIE@HAYI.COM. about dealings with the children or finances. Please respect my decision to separate from you this way.


Please know I do still love you and I want nothing more than to get back together and repair our marriage. When you decide you want to give us a chance, then I will be ready to discuss our future but NOT until your affair and emotional connection to Leslie is over and you no longer have any contact with her. Your continued contact with Leslie and your lack of commitment to this marriage are too painful for me. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of this. I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing you with are still in contact with her. I can't fight for our marriage alone anymore. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family.


I want to be able to rebuild our Marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate or
to have "friends" other than each other
again. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I have spent the last 15 years loving you. I loved you the first night that 6th street first brought us together as I love you right up to this day. I just cannot
be with you or help you anymore as long as you are connected to her.
You CAN NOT let OW's name be one of the last things you type to your WH


You had offered to leave, and I am now taking you up on that offer. You may see the children and we will work out visitation per our work schedules.You will have to have an addendum about finances and children visitations.

Now our Marriage is in your hands.


With all my love,

This is what I have come up with so far. Didn't want to leave you hanging.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by fantieverdun
what is IM?

IM=Intermediary. This is a person whom you choose to filter messages from your WH to you, about children and finances ONLY.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I have one problem here - I can find a friend who will can filter messages but we have absolutely no family here to help with the kids.

I picked up a lot of shifts at the hospital in August which means I have to be at work for 5:30am and have to leave the house at 5am (I will be working Monday, Tuesday and Friday from 5;30 to 2pm and on Wed. nights from 6pm-6am) The plan was that he would then take the kids to the babysitters on his way into work and I would pick them up when I got off of work.

With that said, how can i do this without family around and him gone. Do I ask him to be at the house each morning for 4:45am and when the kids (ages 3 and 5) wake up feed them breakfast
and then take them to the babysitters. This means I would have to see him. and on Wed. nights he will have to stay at the house (unless he has an apartment to stay at by then).

HELP. I could always wake the kids up at 4:30am and see if the babysitter is willing to take them that early but she has her own family and I am not sure if she would do that.

Thanks


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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I picked up a lot of shifts at the hospital in August which means I have to be at work for 5:30am and have to leave the house at 5am (I will be working Monday, Tuesday and Friday from 5;30 to 2pm and on Wed. nights from 6pm-6am) The plan was that he would then take the kids to the babysitters on his way into work and I would pick them up when I got off of work.

With that said, how can i do this without family around and him gone. Do I ask him to be at the house each morning for 4:45am and when the kids (ages 3 and 5) wake up feed them breakfast
and then take them to the babysitters. This means I would have to see him. and on Wed. nights he will have to stay at the house (unless he has an apartment to stay at by then).

HELP. I could always wake the kids up at 4:30am and see if the babysitter is willing to take them that early but she has her own family and I am not sure if she would do that.

Thanks


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Oct 2009
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This is the things that need to figured out BEFORE Plan B. Brainstorm them. Ask the babysitter if she would be willing to take them earlier. I know this is really going to be a hard thing to figure out. That's why you can't go into Plan B without a Plan or else it turns into Plan C, Plan CONFUSION. Your WH can NOT come into your house once you are in Plan B. He can NOT come in for ANY reason.

I am sorry that you have to figure these things out but it must be done. Is there any way that the sitter can have the kiddos sleep over? You need to get some ideas flowing and get this figured out. I don't know if you think you would be able to keep up a spectacular Plan A until the end of August. Only you know that for sure.

So, get the ideas out there.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Well we sat down tonight to talk about our plan (the plan that he suggested we do to work/save our marriage) - it didn't start off too good or end good.

I asked him if he had his plan and he said no - I said do you know what you want to do - he said yes - I don't want this anymore - nothing will change - I want a divorce - then we talked about selling the house, me going back to work - we tried to talk about the kids - but that didn't go over so well - things got heated and we both said things in anger- I asked him to leave the house - and he asked if he could stay here (I was laughing at that one) he left for his hotel room (he called to tell me where he was and i called the hotel and asked for his room)

I know that they are still involved because after he left I checked her my space page and it said "HAAAA HAAAA!!!! IT'S NOT WORKING AND IT NEVER WILL!!!!!!!!!" even though he swears nothing is going on.

After he left I sent him my plan B letter even though I have not worked out all the details of visitation.

What do I do now? I am so sick to my stomach - i never thought it would go like this - what if he goes to his lawyer and files for divorce - how can this work?

HELP!!


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Aren't you in Texas, sue for adultery.

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Fantie, get thee to your choice of lawyer, now, to protect support for the kids and yourself.
He is insane and addicted and may or may not come to his senses. You have got to act NOW to protect your children. Because he does not care about protecting the children.
I am so sorry this is so hard and that he is such an idiot. I know, from when we talked, how hard you work with those kids. This is not going to be easy. But you are strong and good.You can make it.


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Get legal advice. It is free for first consulation (ask first)
If you are in Texas, like me, I charged XH with adultery.

Nothing like seeing the OW name in legal document.

Do not beg him, do not put guilt on him. He is a wayward right now and he does not want anything to stand in his way of his A.

Yes he is in an A still. Do a screen shot of her space page. Keep all documentation for legal purposes in case.

Is she on FB or My space. If she is on MY space there are programs that she can have installed showing when you view her page. Do not let her know. Go to a site called Hidemya@@ so you can check out her site without her knowing.

Breathe.

You can do this.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I am going to see a lawyer today. I have to file for divorce inorder to get a restraining order on the OW - I feel that is important because she is bi-polar and I am fearful of what she might or would do due to her recent actions.

I confronted my WH about her recent posts on her my space page - he had no idea that she was doing that - and said that when he asked her about it she said that she felt threatened by me - she thinks that I am out to get her fired (because back on exposure day I called her parents and encouraged them to tel her to seek new employment) so she was posting all of them to taunt me. they are both stupid that it only hurt her in the long run. I told him that she risked her own job the day she started the affair with her boss. And so did he.

He texted me at 4pm yesterday so say he was coming by the house - I said we will not be here - he replied "where are you going? - then he called because I didn't answer him - he said he needed to come by to get some clothes - I was like you packed a huge suitcase and you don't have clothes for tomorrow - I said tell me what you need and I will leave it out on the driveway for you. Then he said I will make do with what I have. He never said that he wanted to see the kids - it happened to be our 9 year anniversary yesterday (I had a small glimmer of hope he wanted to bring me flowers and was just finding an excuse - I know it was a long shot)

He called this morning to talk to the kids - he asked if we could talk later today. Should I hold off seeing the lawyer? Even if I file for divorce can this marriage still be saved?
You can sue your WH for adultery in texas? Can you sue the OW in texas?

Still have not told the kids anything. Any advice on what to say to them?



BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Don't know about the legal questions but yes, even if you file for divorce the marriage can be saved. The conditions are the same-- end all contact with OW forever, move home and agree to a plan of working on the marriage.
I think you should not hold off seeing the lawyer. You can still talk to your H if you have not started a plan B yet. Don't be a doormat and don't lovebust.
I think you are doing well. I know it is all really hard.
One line you can use with your H after you have lawyered up is "I only talk about marriage. The lawyers handle the divorce stuff." it is almost guaranteed he will try to get you to take less support than you and kids are entitled to, or make some other concessions. When you talk with him, it is not about divorce details.


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Yes, you can allege adultery in Texas but most of the time it's only purpose is when it comes to the division of the property. You cannot bring in OW though except to name her in your claim or by asking your attorney to depose her. (i.e., Petitioner alleges that Respondent has committed adultery with _______.) You CAN get a Protective Order from the police department but only IF she threatens you and you can prove it. A restraining order against the other person in the lawsuit (you or your husband) is issued through the Court IF you ask for it when you file for divorce. It is usually issued regarding harassment. It is called a "TRO" which is different from "temporary orders".

If YOU file for divorce then you become Petitioner and basically control the case, unless your WH files a cross-petition and then he becomes cross-petitioner. That's unusual though. As Petitioner, you can nonsuit at any time - but if he files a cross-claim, a nonsuit would only nonsuit YOUR claims and his would still be "live".

Last edited by princessmeggy; 07/22/10 01:18 PM.

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Fantie, How are you today? Any updates?


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Well it's been awhile since I been on here. WH moved out on July 20th - he has rented a duplex - it has taken me some time to realize all what's been going on - This week he has the kids all week except for 1 day/night - it is a good taste of my daily routine - on the first day he was calling with questions (too bad I was busy and coudln't answer)

I am taking this time to put myself first and work on me. I started seeing a counselor to work on some personal things for me. It has helped a great deal. I never dreamed that this would happen to me/ us. I am trying to cope and do the best for me and the kids. I am trying to take it day by day and try not to focus too far into the future because I realize I can't control the future.

Any words of advice or wisdom during this time would be greatly appreciated.


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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