Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 85 of 91 1 2 83 84 85 86 87 90 91
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 267
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 267
She is clearly not interested in reconciliation. You have no kids.

Give her what she wants, her freedom.

You will be much better off once she's out of your life.


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
After her last e-mail. I would dump her for sure and move on. she isn't worth spit. There are a 100 million women out there would be better wives. Go find one. You could never trust her again anyways. Your life is going to be all about deployments for the foreseeable future. And you can't make her wear a chastity belt (though she would need one). You don't need to see her again. What for? More abuse? store her stuff. give her a month and tell her to never speak to you again.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
I guarantee she's sleeping with someone any probably still in contact w/ OM #1 as well. That's why she got a new phone. You have no way to police her because you can no longer access her phone logs and she lives across the country, so she has no consequences for her waywardness. If you can't inject some consequences to her waywardness, she has no reason to change. She's going to do as she pleases with zero regard for you. Just dump her and move on with your life. Now if you really wanted something to push you over the edge to divorce, hack into her new cell phone account online and check out her call log. That will give you everything you need to make the decision to move on.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I really don't see myself going through all of our stuff to repack just her things, renting a truck and taking leave to drive it from Lousiana to Arizona, and then flying back. The monetary and time costs are ridiculous, especially for something I don't want to do.

I'm torn between packing it all up, putting it in a storage unit with a month prepaid and mailing her the keys, and just having her come and separate everything out with me there so she can actually face what she's doing.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Gerka,

Sounds like a plan to me. Just give her the address of the storage and send her the keys. DONE and DONE!

JL

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
I'm torn between packing it all up, putting it in a storage unit with a month prepaid and mailing her the keys, and just having her come and separate everything out with me there so she can actually face what she's doing.


You think actually facing what she is doing is going to phase her? If you do that, you are going to be in for a big disappointment. You'll just have to put up with her crap. Just mail her the keys.

So, are you now officially done?


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862
t/j

What is the state of your M now Jim? Are you 'recovered'?


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted By: myfamilyilove
t/j

What is the state of your M now Jim? Are you 'recovered'?


We still have our issues (most of which carried over from before the affair). I wouldn't call us "recovered," but I am hopeful we are still on the path.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

If you're done, then I'd box up all of her stuff, take it to one of those crappy storage places outside the gate, then mail her the keys.

I'd send her a short note that says something like: "Here are the keys to the storage place and the phone number. All of your stuff is there so you can come get it whenever you want."

Nothing else about "working on the M", or seeing her, or talking with her or anything else... I wouldn't answer any of her calls, or e-mails either, go completely dark.

Not sure what divorce laws apply to you since you are both living in different states, but if Louisana allows it, I'd file for divorce based on adultery and have her served.

Then go live your life to the fullest and be thankful that you don't have any kids with her.

Semper Fi,
RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I keep getting frustrated by her nasty emails. And then a couple days pass and I'm back to not wanting to be the one that gave up. If she wants to single handedly push a divorce on someone that's willing to forgive and work on the marriage, I think that's something that will catch up with her eventually.

I haven't written anything back to her, I'm feeling pretty indecisive.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
I keep getting frustrated by her nasty emails. And then a couple days pass and I'm back to not wanting to be the one that gave up. If she wants to single handedly push a divorce on someone that's willing to forgive and work on the marriage, I think that's something that will catch up with her eventually.

I haven't written anything back to her, I'm feeling pretty indecisive.


banghead

You need to snap out of your own fog. First of all, you will NEVER be the one that gave up. NEVER. You might be the one that accepted that your WW will not change, but that is a HUGE difference. Secondly, you are delusional if you think her pushing divorce on someone that's willing to forgive and work on the marriage will catch up with her anymore so than if you gave up now. I don't know what the fascination with her being the "bad guy" that pushed through the divorce even though you did everything to try and stop it. If anything you are going to make her regret her decision less by half-heartedly stonewalling her on the divorce while you secretly want her to keep pushing because you are frustrated with her but want her to be the one that actually does all the work for the divorce to sooth your conscience.

You need to $hit or get off the pot. Make a decision. Either full out plan A until you take her the stuff and see her before going into plan B, or go straight to plan D. Anything half-hearted in the middle will only make your situation worse. Your love bank is depleted. You no longer have much plan A left in you. Either transition to plan B, or just move forward with the divorce. Otherwise you'll just be wasting your time and justifying her current actions. She'll feel justified for divorcing you after months of you passively-agressively resisting divorce and conflict avoiding.

Right now all your doing is just sabotaging your previous months of effort.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
I'm thinking Plan B. If Gerka is about done in on attempted recovery, it is time for Plan B. Get a letter ready, move her stuff into storage, send her the letter and the storage info.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
How are you doing, Gerk?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I'm ok. Taking forever to make it back to the states.

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
I hope that you packed some good books, to pass the time! smile


This ......
Originally Posted By: jmwc95
Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
I'm torn between packing it all up, putting it in a storage unit with a month prepaid and mailing her the keys, and just having her come and separate everything out with me there so she can actually face what she's doing.


You think actually facing what she is doing is going to phase her? If you do that, you are going to be in for a big disappointment. You'll just have to put up with her crap. Just mail her the keys.

So, are you now officially done?

I agree with Jim here.
While I understand where you are coming from Gerka,
we want our abuser to face the damage that they have caused,
it is unlikely that she will behave the way that you expect,
the way that we see ourselves behaving in such a situation.

You and WW are in two different worlds right now.

If you do see her, prepare yourself for the possibility of not seeing remorse.


Originally Posted By: G
I haven't written anything back to her, I'm feeling pretty indecisive.

Indecisive is normal. Your life is unfolding not how you expected.

hug


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Nothing like waiting for the Air Force at Manus... I get to spend a wonderful day and a half in sunny Kuwait.

Hope you have a safe trip home Gurka!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,722
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,722
Glad to see you coming home. Safe travels.

By the way, there is a nice jogging/walking path in the woods at Manas if you like to run. Even if you don't, it's a nice path to walk and start getting your head straight for before you come home. Best of luck.

Last edited by SickofLimbo; 07/31/10 11:44 AM.

-SOL
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I'm back now. Sucks being in a hanger with hundreds of people there to greet everyone else, and being all alone.

Early in the tour, I mailed my house key back to a friend at Fort Polk so he could send my wife a bridesmaid dress. Well, he lost the key, so I can't get in my house. And my phone doesn't work. And neither does my car. The anger sharks are circling in my head.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,722
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,722
Welcome home anyway my friend. Crappy homecomings suck and I know from my own experience. We had a big ceremony at UofI's assembly hall complete with TV and the governor. My family and her family were there, but she didn't even kiss me or hug me. It was surreal.

The local reporter saw Pinky coming into the stadium with my two boys and asked my WW if she could stay with her and do an interview with her, the boys and me. I didn't know any of this as I was still on my way there with the unit. So as all these emotions are in my head, I have a TV camera on me the whole time. Immediately after, the reporter interviews me for the news that night asking how it feels to be home and all that. I gave the expected answers but was thinking the whole time how my WW wouldn't even touch me or kiss me. All that was before I even knew there was an OM involved.

So welcome home anyway, and thank you for your service. Keep your head up and you are going to be OK.


-SOL
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Welcome home Gurka!!!

You've got my e-mail address if you ever want to talk. I'm sitting at Ali Al Salem waiting to fly out later on this evening.

I know that no matter what you decided to do, that you'll come out on top!

Semper Fi,
RIF

Page 85 of 91 1 2 83 84 85 86 87 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (living_well), 21 guests, and 68 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5