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Wheels,
I know that; I was just repeating her words. Every time I try to connect and meet her emotional needs she does this. She wants to stay angry and hurt to justify her leaving. She threatened me that within a year she will probably move away. I said that's tough to do and give up your relationships with your sons. She says she already lost them. I told her no, that younger son is angry and hurt, but he still needs his mom and give him time. She eventually went from anger and hurt, to tears of sadness (I think). At least when she left she wasn't angry anymore. I will see what tomorrow will bring.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
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Good, I'm glad you are just venting/updating, and I hope your feeling alright. Viktor Frankl I think is still a good example of how to look for something good during the bad times. Check him out.

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Wheels,
I was actually talking to an old friend of ours yesterday after the swim meet, a former, fellow coach who was refereeing the meet of WAWs. He is a counselor and got his masters in it. He used a book for his masters called Finding Optimism that he recommended for the same philosophy. I am going to pick it up and read it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Okay, I know that WS speak fog babble; but do you ever get used to it? I'm still worked up over our encounter last night. I know I need to let it go, but when she sees all of my changes, admits that they are great, and still is mad at me for doing them, I don't get it. She keeps throwing the depression in my face. She says because you have depression you get a free pass. I explain that I do not get a free pass. I take full responsibility for my role in the bad marriage; but now that I am working out of it, I have to be who she sees, because that is who I am. She refuses to see. I am sadly beginning to think unless she gets help we are done. That realization is trying to send me down in depression again and I am fighting it, but it is hard to watch her ruin herself and our marriage. Time to go do something to fight the thoughts. Thank god for gym membership!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
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It's been a couple months since I have heard fog babble, but what was said way back then still effects what I say and do right now. It sticks with me, and I will think "Oh, sapph gets angry when I ask her to to help with the house hold chores." I get confused, does she just really hate doing house chores, or was it fog babble. I have to walk up to Sapph and ask if what she said five months ago was true or babble. Most times its babble, but I have to reassure myself.

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Thanks for the support; it just is hard hearing it. I know she is hurt and angry and in the fog, but you have to wonder if it's true when you hear it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Okay weird question. Is it normal to want to start wearing my wedding ring again? I've read where people have dilemmas when to take it off. I don't wear mine much during the school year, because as a chemistry lab teacher some of the chemicals will react with gold and ruin it. I stopped wearing it permanently when the wife took hers off. As I'm healing from the depression and dealing with my problems, I have this feeling of hope for the marriage. Even if the wife is wayward, I want to wear it again as a symbol of our marriage and our commitment. Is this bad for my psyche, or a good thing?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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I teach electrical engineering.

When I was a technician I met a colleague whose finger had been burned off through working between two conductors (low voltage -high current)

I don't wear any jewelry nor did my dad, hence the ring stays in the cupboard.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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I understand not wearing it for safety or finality reasons, but is wanting to wear it a means of hope, or bad for my psyche?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
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You are still married so I see no harm in wearing it, esp. since it is a sign of your commitment to your marriage. Of course it will make her angry but then what doesn't anymore? You can't let her dictate your moves, you have to do what you feel is the right thing to do.


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If it poses a danger at work, wear it on a chain around your neck. It'll be even closer to your heart that way.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Princess,
I like your thought. If we reconcile I think I will do that. Right now, there is no lab for summer school, so that is not a worry right now. When regular school starts in Sept. I will have to remember that. KC, you're right it will probably make her angry, but it might also show her I am still committed to US. I am getting so down with her reactions right now, it might give me some hope and shield from her fog babble.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Well I just talked to the wife. She called to tell me she was going up to our neighbor's cottage to see them for 2 days (the same neighbors she swore she would never see again because they are my friends). I asked her about another MC session and she replied "why bother if all we are going to do is bring up the past and the hurt." She said she's only been gone 2.5 weeks (actually one month) and she still needs time to heal and get past the hurt. She is tired of the counselor telling her my behavior was because of the depression and she should not blame me for it. I said depression is no reason for me to treat you the way I did and I take full responsibility for it. I left it at I'm going to continue my IC and if you want to go for joint counseling let me know I would be happy to go with you. She said that she is past all her problems and doesn't need IC; but we should all go as a family so she can work on her problems with the boys, especially the little one.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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My lawyer just called me. After telling me she wants nothing and she is giving me a great deal, the separation paperwork says she is screwing me royally. Guess it's time for my lawyer to get ugly. She wants more for the house than we have in equity. She wants support payments 250/week) and life insurance on me(500k) payable only to her for 8 years at the exclusion of any spouse I may have in the future. She wants any back pay I may get from the contract dispute. She wants a portion of my pension. She wants to pay me nothing for child support even though they are with me full time. This after telling me again on Thurs. that she is giving me a great deal and I would be stupid not to take it. That she doesn't want to cause me any harm and does not want me to lose the house and traumatize the boys.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
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take care of yourself financially, you don't want to regret that later down the road if the marriage doesn't work out.....
You can always change that after your marriage is back on track, she expects you to look after yourself....
My husband and I drew up a separation agreement when I found out about his affair, that left me with the house and he was to pay me alimony, we have split our investments and I have bought him out of the house.....we have separate accounts and credit cards.......we have been working on recovering our marriage but still live with the agreement and we will until i feel totally comfortable again in this marriage and his commitment to me and our marriage. It's odd I know but since he wanted a second chance he is living with it and not even asking for anything else. he knows he has changed things for us and it's just the way it will be now.........dont' give up awokenhubby, you can live with anything and work on getting back together.....that's what I did and he eventually saw what and who he was giving up......the OW all of a sudden wasn't worth giving up his whole life for and he now has told me he never stopped loving me and totally regrets his decisions, he told me he wants to spend the rest of his life making things up to me..........don't give up hope, I thought my marriage was gone too..........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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Pretty amazing, huh? She can "want" away, it's not up to her to decide, fortunately. She'll probably be entitled to 1/2 the equity of the house and 1/2 of what is in the pension, and perhaps some alimony if she doesn't make as much as you...but perhaps not either if they figure she can be self-supporting and she initiated the divorce and cheated...she'll likely have to pay some child support, but all of that is for the courts to decide, not her. It may be her lawyer talking, but even so...

As for life insurance, here, the law nullifies being a beneficiary after a divorce unless the spouse specifically states/desires it afterwards. That is to protect those who divorce and forgot to change their policy beneficiary.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Ok, I need some help, encouragement, or even 2x4s. If someone could have the big guns come read the last few posts and give me advice, I would appreciate it. Counseling helped me a lot after the bomb from my lawyer/sister. She has now said that it is getting ugly and she is stepping aside and setting me up with a well practiced divorce lawyer. The problem is, I am now so bitter that I want to stop Plan A and go to divorce. I am hurt from her saying all along she wants nothing and doesn't want to hurt me and wants to make sure I can keep the house for the sake of the boys and I get this from her now. I also suspect that she went to her lawyer and laid this out on either the day of our MC or the day after. That is why she went after me last thurs. after the swim meet. She is now talking about moving out of state and abandoning any relationship with her boys. This has sent me down and I can feel the depression coming on again. I am aware of it and fighting it. I talked to the counselor about it after my IC session yesterday and he recommended a treatment to me. It is not prescription anti-depressants, but it has be researched for 40 years and has as good and sometimes better results that meds. and it works faster, but it still won't begin helping for 2 weeks (meds take 4+ weeks). as I talked with the counselor and we discussed the problems in our marriage, he kept asking why do you want to stay with this woman. I replied that I love her and made the vow and commitment to her and want to stay with the woman she was and could be again if she gets help. He told me that for her to be there again, she needs professional help for a long time. He has seen her type before and he doesn't know if she will ever admit it and get help. I am hoping if she can hit rock bottom she will get help and we can recover. But after this settlement proposal and her lying to me about not wanting anything, I am whipped and beat down. I want out and I want the pain to go away. I want to start recovering myself and my boys. I know it is the depression coming back on and I am trying to shake it, but am I wrong. Everything I have done in Plan A has been met with escalating hostility and resentment. She resent the fact that I didn't fall flat on my face without her. She resents the fact that I was clinically depressed and had a reason for ignoring her. She resents the fact that I had recover so much(until this last week and a half, thanks to her) and I am everything she wanted me to be. If I am everything she wanted me to be, then why can't we try?!? I know she is still in the fog. I know she has only been moved out a month and she is still angry and hurting and lonely. I know she is still in contact with her emotional affair OM. But it is getting very hard to take. HELP!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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Okay, before you retaliate or lash out at her...IF you still want to save the marriage, it's time to go to plan B. Have you read up on it and have you got it ready? If so, please post it. Plan B is about protecting your love for your wife. It is cutting off all contact with her, no longer meeting her needs...it gives her an idea of what life will be like without you...and from what I've observed, it usually has more affect than plan A, which they either don't believe or want to see. It means having an intermediary for your children to pick up/deliver them to/from her. No calls, no texts, no emails.

Please post your plan B letter to her and let some of the experts here take a look and offer suggestions before you give it to her.

Meanwhile, time to get an attorney and start protecting yourself and your boys. Remember, if she leaves you with the boys, you will need every bit of financial resources to help you with raising them...you will need to be ready to fight her and not give in just because she makes demands. You have not only yourself to fight for, but more importantly, your children. If she goes through with this, she is guaranteed to regret it at some point down the road...the only question is, will it be in time to salvage anything. Right now please don't concern yourself with her, what she says, what she feels, what she does, what she plans, YOU LOOK OUT FOR YOU AND THE BOYS!


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I have only been in Plan A for 2 months, way too short for a guy. I haven't finished writing it yet. Is it okay to go to Plan B this quick? Should I wait longer or wait for her EA to end? I know that she is driving me crazy and she is ruining my love for her.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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Plan A is an individual thing, the time frame is different for different people, but when you feel your love beginning to waiver, as it's sure to when your spouse is having an affair and attacking you, that is the time to begin plan B to protect the love.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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