I'm still undecided on my marriage, but with each day I discover more about myself that I didn't realize was there. He has been gone for a month and I realize I don't miss him. I don't yearn for things between us to be better. I just want to stop hurting. I know now I can make it on my own, I'm not scared or loneley. I've been thinking that maybe I wasn't that happy after all. <BR>I think thru the years I just grew to accept his ignoring me and me being about number 8 on his list of priorities. Through this I have made a life for myself. I have lots of friends and interests. <P>I think that my love for him is gone, and it may not have just gone with this knowledge, but that maybe it had been fading for a long time, gradually, that I didn't even notice. When I grew discontented I would think of how he stood by me when I was sick, well now we know that's not true anymore. He was too busy with his affairs to really care. So why did I settle all those years, that's what bothers me about this. I don't want to settle anymore.<P>I deserve the love, attention and devotion he had denied me all these years. I think I could have a chance at happiness with someone without a history of hurting me. But the real thing here is I'd rather be alone than to have an empty marriage, one with a self centered needy baby who didn't have his security blanket and had to just fill his need. Grow up! Give me a break with all this need stuff. How many of my needs went unmet for YEARS and I didn't screw around. Pluease.<P>So now I don't think I have the love for him to even begin to rebuild. I would have to do the most work here, and I don't think I have that in me. There is no motivation. I have come to realize that my "emotional love bank" or whatever you call it has been on empty for so long that I got used to the drought. <P>When this first happened, people would ask me if I loved him, and I said yes, of course I did, but now that is not the case. So if that was such an important ingredient to make the marriage work, what do you do when it is gone? How do you build on something that's not there? I don't want to fake it or live in denial. I just want to be happy. It's been a long time since I really was, and this is the part I didn't see before. I think the pain was too great.<P>I had a so so marriage, not bad but not great either. So why go back to that, sure he will change, at first, but then he will settle back into his comfort zone and things will go back to the way they were before. I know people who this has happened to. They just stop working after a while and before you know it.....<P>So this is the place I'm at today. In a way it feels good, because I'm not dwelling in the pain, I sort of see things differently and maybe this is where I needed to be before I made THE decision. I still haven't made it yet, but I see the direction. No matter what though, I know I will be fine. It sounds stupid, but I will survive. <BR>I'll make it.

I know exactly how you feel. I've spent many, many years being the lowest priority to my husband. Everyone and everything came first, especially if it had anything to do with drinking. I've been keeping the following letter to Dear Abby for quite a while. I had planned to send it to my H if we ever got divorced. The title is "Thank You, It's Been Real . . . Lonely". Here it is:<P>Dear Abby: After spending yet another night alone while my husband was out having a few beers with his friends, I decided to write him the following thank-you note:<BR> Thank you for the countless times you've gone out with your friends and left me home alone; it's made me realize I'm pretty good company.<BR> Thank you for withholding your affection; you taught me I can live without it.<BR> Thank you for refusing to help me do anything around the house, it's made me realize I can do just about anything myself.<BR> Thank you for finding reasons not to spend time with me; it's made me learn to appreciate spending time alone.<BR> Thank you for never sitting down to talk to me; the quiet time has allowed me to re-evaluate my life.<BR> But most of all, and I mean this sincerely, thank you for giving me nine lonely years to realize with conviction that I can walk away from you and survive.<BR> - Your "in Name Only" Wife.<P>My H was gone for 2 months. He made a comment to me right after he came back that he didn't think I wanted him back because I seemed so happy without him. Like you, for the first month I didn't miss him at all. We had no contact. Once he was allowed to contact us, I started having a hard time dealing with the situation. He started asking me over and over if I really wanted to end our 17 years together. My H is an alcoholic and a fantastic liar. I don't trust him now, and probably never will. I keep praying that his being here with us is God's will. <BR>Good luck to you, I hope you feel better. Please be strong. I will remember you in my prayers tonight. God bless you. <P>

Crushed.<BR>you are a lot stronger than you think. It sounds to me that it is your husband that has to do all the work to win YOU back. Even though you are not the betrayer you have to decide if you want a better H back and if you are willing to give him that chance. Have you read After the Affair by Springs? If not I suggest you do. It deals with situations such as yours.

It hasn't been that long since you found out so don't make any snap decisions. Most betrayers seem to feel that the other spouse <B>won't</B> change and if they do it is only temporary. The whole point of MB is to make sure you do change what needs to be and practice the principles to ensure things stay that way.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Crushed, I feel the same as others. The idea might be to have a BETTER marriage than before. If you and H have children, a long history together, etc., you might want to consider building a "better mousetrap". Certainly, no one would want you to go back to the life you described - that is no good for anyone!<P>Only you know if you want to give it a try. At least if you do, you might be trying to look at this differently that any previous time - building something BETTER.<P>I agree it might be too early to be making permanent decisions. Watch your H over this coming period and evaluate hihs commitmments - not only his commitment to you and your marriage, but his commitment to delving in himslef to see where he can improve, and his commitment to accepting responsibility for all that he has done to contribute to things. If you see real commitment in him, you might be more willing to give this another try, than if you see hollow words and actions.<P>Keep us posted.<P>Roll Me Away

Well, well, well!<P>Crushed, I had to look to make sure I had not posted this!<P>My H has been gone about 8 weeks now. I do not miss him. I don't even care if I ever see him. I do feel some love for him, but the desire to make it work is starting to fade - fast. <P>Our marriage was never bad, but I too think maybe my love was fading and I didn't know it. It would all because of that drought you were talking about. It has been so long since any of my needs (other than financial) were met. I have no idea what it is like to be wanted, loved, or needed (well maybe needed). <P>I too know my life will be full without my H. It is his lose! Although my son will miss having a father in the house everyday, I can't say it was because H was being a good father. Like you, we were always way down on the list of priorities. <P>I think I must have also written the Dear Abby column! I have even been married 9 years. That could have been my thank you note!<P>Anyway, it is nice to hear someone else share where he/she is in this process. That it is similar to where I find myself - Somehow it validates my feelings! Thank you – I don’t feel as bad now.<P>I wish you luck. I agree with no rash decisions. We find ourselves moving forward with the divorce. Maybe it will stop midway. I have doubts that my H will change. That narcissistic behavior is very hard to change. I have been warned by a professional and other people who have had dealings with people like my H. <P>I urge you to wait as long as you can. I am trying. You never know - our H's might find it in them to be in the H we want them to be and maybe they will do anything to win us back. <P>Keep us posted. <P> <BR>

Wow! I feel like I have a split personality problem here.... I think I've posted most of this thread.<P>I have been living on my own for 2 1/2 months, and have discovered I like being <B>with myself</B>, and I am happier now than I have been in quite a while. I enjoy being on my own schedule, doing what I want (without feeling guilty), going to family events, etc, etc.<P>Then, about a month ago, H started wanting to "work things out"... and I started missing him. Well, if you've read anything I've posted in the last few days, you realize that "it ain't gonna happen".... and I've moved on to being happy with my own company again. <P>I'm not saying I don't love him, because I do. I just am not happy being with him. More precicely.... I don't like who I am when I am with him, or the way he treats me.<P>The thank you note almost fits to a tee... change it from "9 years" to "the last 3 years" (we've been married for 6+), and it is perfect! <P>Crushed et all ..... read one of my old posts about "I've met someone who's company I really enjoy...." or something like that. I think you will see what I mean. (about a month and a half ago).<P>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

Wow guys, I didn't know there were others here feeling this.<P>A. Wife, That Dear Abby letter was great I have been thinking lately that if I hadn't started a life of my own during my marriage, where would I be? I'd hate to be that dependent on someone for my happiness. I think my mother was my example, my father is an alcoholic and she always had her friends and activities and she seemed happy. Sometimes I guess that's how you survive. Yes I feel the same in the letter when she said she discovered she was good company. I have always been content to be alone.<P>Awoken, yes I have read after the affair, private lies and I want to order Torn asunder. These are good resources, but I have yet found someone who I can relate to. This post was really the first time I connected with someone regarding my feelings. I want all your phone numbers!!!<BR>Seriously if you guys could post your e-mail, I'd love to talk more.<P>Chris, I will not make a rash decision, that's what I've been doing, but in a way I would like to know what to do because I could then focus on whatever area I needed. For example, you mentioned the principals of MB, well I kind of glanced at them but I am not there yet so I really wasn't interested on how to keep my marriage, when I didn't know if that's where I'm heading.<P>Roll me away, (I like it) yes he is delving into himself, and he is taking full responsibility. He is doing all those things, and probaly alot of people would be envious that their spouce isn't there. But let me say, it only matters if that's what YOU want. I don't know, it almost makes it harder. I KNOW if I wanted this, he is in the right place, but that's just it. THAT fact is not enough for me. You see, I realize there are two people here. Sometime what the other does, does not effect the other.<P>DHJ, Sorry but it was me that posted, it is funny though to know that other people feel identical. I'm glad I made you feel better and that your feelings are valid. It's only a shame I had to make you feel better in this way. I wish I could have baked you a chocolate cake instead!!<P>Butterfly, I will read your posts, we sound alot alike too. It especially hit me when you said you didn't like who you were when you were with him. I see now, the control this man had over me and still does. I actually thought because he felt someway about something, then it HAD to be right, because it came from him. Why did I give him that position of deity? He is manipulative and controlling and he has a hard time feeling other people have different views than him, and how they must be wrong. Now when we talk, it's like he has to leave to give me time to think over what he said, and form an independent thought. That's weird huh? I need to build more confidence in my own thoughts and feelings, and I think this separation will do that for me. BE SCARED OF ME!!<P>So guys when are we doing lunch?<BR>THANKS, I FEEL BETTER!!<BR>

Crushed, <P>Only you can decide what's best for your situation. I would give up cookies for life (and that would be a REAL challenge!) for my H to want to give up his affair and work on our marriage. Alas, H is not there at this time.<P>But, you know, this is a place where everyone, even if we don't agree with each other, can SUPPORT AND AT LEAST UNDERSTAND what you are feeling. I am not getting that from my happily married relatives and friends. I am afraid of burning them out with my problems. <P>No matter what you decide is best for you in the long run, you are always VALUED here. The thing I like best about this site is that each posting and reply gives a unique perspective. I haved and continue to learn alot here. These are some of the best people I have never met!! <P>Wishing you a better day...<P>Roll Me Away<BR>P.S. Are you a Bob Seger fan by chance????

Roll me Away,<BR>No, sorry I'm not a big fan of Bob Seger, although I don't dislike him. I really can't even think of one of his songs. <P>Anyway thanks for the encouragement, this does seem like a great place to learn and vent when needed. I just wish my PC was faster!! I'm looking into getting one of those "free" ones when you subscribe to their internet service.<P>Till next time,<BR>Bye