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H is in love with the OW? They are no longer seeing each other (she went back to her H). My H says he doesnt love me but does love her.

He says he wants to "try" to put our marriage back together but I cant get over the fact that #1 he doesnt love me and #2 he's in love with someone else.

We've been married 20 years, 1 child. The affair went on for 3 months.

As much as I do want our marriage to work, it seem insurmountable because of the lies, betrayal...he wont have sex with me, etc. I want to just give up, but also would like to save my marriage.

Do you think there's hope?

eta: we've been separated for 3 months. We went out on a date on Saturday, to a movie, dinner and drinks after. He was very distant and frankly, not very nice for most of the date. He dropped me off with a hug.

Last edited by TikiLover; 07/29/10 11:04 AM.
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Yes, there is hope.

IF you follow the MB plan of action.

There are no guarantees but there is real hope.

If you don't follow the MB plan then I would say hope is minimal.

Step 1: Expose the affair to EVERYONE including and especially the OW's husband.


Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
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Yes, there is hope!

Do you have ways to verify that there is absolutely no contact? Does the OW work with your H? If so, one of them will have to quit the job. As long as he sees her everyday, he will retain his "in-love" feelings for her.

Has the affair been exposed to her husband, the workplace, your families, and any friends who be a positive influence for your marriage?

Read everything on this site, and get the books, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Dr. Willard Harley.

You will need to be in Plan A. Identify and meet as many of your husband's needs as you can...in the way that he needs them met. Eliminate lovebusters. There are questionaires on the site to help you identify both needs and lovebusters.

Make your home a warm and welcoming place to be. Always look your best, and have NO EXPECTATIONS. He may seemingly reject your good changes, but they will make an impression.

Calling the Harleys for counseling is also a good idea. They can help you and your WH with a plan to fall in love with each other again.

Other vets will be along to help you. Hang on!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Tiki,

My Husband's A was 3 months as well, and on D-DAY I received the standard (yes they all pretty much say it) "I love you, but am not in love with you"

We are now 4 months past D-day and in recovery.

Three things,

1st Follow Tully's advise and expose the A to everyone, including OWH.

2nd you said you are separated. You should move back in together if at all possible.

3rd WH and OW can never have ANY contact again. No FB, No Phone calls, No Texting, No Emails, and definitely NO Friendship.


You did not say who OW is. Is she a co-worker, high school sweetheart, gym cohort, ect? It will help to direct you with more specific advise.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Yes, get him back home!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Tiki, speaking as someone who was the wayward, it is possible, not easy but possible. Please listen to all the advice you get here and no matter how hopeless it seems just follow it. I was a long time lurker just come out of hiding but being on the other side I felt the same way your WH feels now. I didn't think I could possibly stop "loving" the OM and rediret those feelings to BS but I did and I realized what a mess I made. Your WH is still in the fog, try MB, it's helping my M and it can help yours as well.


Me: WW/FBS 32
BH/FWH 35
DS 6
DD 3
Dday: 3/27/10
On our way to recovery, one day at a time...

Dont just follow your heart because your heart can be deceived; youve got to lead your heart. - Fireproof

Jeremiah 17:9: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure...
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He said he wont come home...he's not "ready".

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Ok Tiki,

Tell us about the OW. Is she a neighbor, a co-worker, a gym cohort.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Originally Posted by Lady_Clueless
Do you have ways to verify that there is absolutely no contact? Does the OW work with your H? If so, one of them will have to quit the job. As long as he sees her everyday, he will retain his "in-love" feelings for her.

Unfortunately, yes they work together. There is no possibility for either of them to quit. My H has been with this very large company for over 20 years. If the A is exposed to anyone...especially work my H will loose his job, his retirement, pension, health insurance...which means I will loose that as well.

As far as anymore phone contact, while I cant prove it, he told me last night that there is absolutely no contact other than work related, that she wants nothing to do with him.

Again, exposing the A just isnt an option

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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
Ok Tiki,

Tell us about the OW. Is she a neighbor, a co-worker, a gym cohort.


Unfortunately, she's a co-worker and former "friend" of mine.

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Tiki,I am so sorry you are here! I am new to MB & love this site & the advice from everyone!

My WH also thought he fell "in love" with the OW that he had a 3 month A with. When he told me he insisted on leaving, I begged him to stay, he said he had to leave. He left to go be with the OW. He stayed away for a week...lying about being alone...when he came home a week later he confessed that he was with the OW in hotels & her apt the whole time while he was supposed to be at a place my parents provided for him to stay & get his spirit straight.

I fell for the "I have to leave, if I don't leave then I might not come back" line he fed me. He has been home since 6/7/10 & at first he also was cruel, distant, sad, etc. He was in withdrawals of the A & missing the OW. I am no expert yet your story sounds a bit like mine.

We are not yet in recovery, although I am doing Plan A & it is seeming to work. We have some very good days & some bad days. He is still talking fogbabble as I am finding out from those who know. And he is still in a wayward mindset. This is hard yet if you love your WH then it's worth the fight!

Listen to the advice as it's great! There is always hope!


Me/BS 39
WS 34
Married 7 yrs/together 11
2 children:
DS 18
DD 3 1/2
D-Day 6/1/10
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Exposing is the BEST weapon you have here.

If she is a co-worker, he sees her everyday. You WILL NOT be able to recover your M and regain your H love until he has NO CONTACT with OW.

May he lose his job, Yes. Will he be angry, Yes. However this is the reality of the situation HE chose. He knew when he got involved with her that he could lose his job, he still chose that. Why are you going to protect the A and the OW by refusing to expose.

It is easier to find another job, than to go through a D.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
Why are you going to protect the A and the OW by refusing to expose.

Because without his job, my son and I will be without any income and health insurance.

We live in a city with the highest unemployment rate in the Country. He's been with the company for 20 years and has built his way up to a very good salary, there's no way he could find another job that would sustain. Trust me, I wish I could expose it, I've threatened to expose it, I dream about it, but my son and I would be literally be homeless.

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Well, then. Better a broken family than homeless I guess. Because there is NO way for your marriage to recover as long as he works there.

None.

That I know of not ONE case where the affair partners worked together ended well for the marriage.

You cannot fight this if you're not willing to do what it takes to end it, and that include your husband leaving his job.

It really is that black and white.

Might as well file for divorce today. Because this marriage cannot be saved.

Sorry.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 07/29/10 02:24 PM.

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Tiki, if you have a few hours or days, read my thread.

My XH (notice it says X) worked with OW and worked for him. I also work here. Like you I did not want his career blown away, losing his job, being embarrassed and everything that goes with it.

It took me more than 6 months to turn them in. By that point, XH had moved out, had more time for the affair to flourish and here I am 2 years later, divorced, alone with my DD who has not seen her father for 14 months and trying to pick up the pieces. XH and OW are getting married in October. Both continue to work there because of a poor investigation.

My regret is that I did not blow the affair out of the water and expose it during the first month when I found out. If my X lost his job, so be it if it broke up the affair.

Rather still have my M than my nice house.

Listen to these vets. I know it sounds "unreasonable" but once you start to go through the divorce process you will no longer recognize your H. He will turn on you and blame.





Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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Tiki,

You said she went back to her husband, does he know? You can expose outside of the work place. If the husband does not know, you owe it to him to tell him what he is married to. Then maybe HE will make HER quit.

Your WH is going through a very difficult (for him) withdrawal.
Then he sees her at work, which is another fix, which extends the withdrawal.

It also sounds like he is pouty and distant. But she dumped him correct? And now wants nothing to do with him?

One more thing about waywards...THEY LIE!!

Stay Strong,

kirk


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OK, so how do I go about exposing the A? Do I call his boss, meet with his boss?

One thing that is for SURE...once I expose him to his boss he will be fired on the spot and not only will he hate me, but there is ZERO chance at that point that he'd still be wanting to work on the marriage.

As far as waywards lying...so true!

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Tiki,

Does the husband of the OW know about the A?

Is that why the OW went back to her H?

kirk


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Originally Posted by krusht
Tiki,

You said she went back to her husband, does he know?

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kirk

They're actually ex H & W. She's moving back in for a few reasons, one of which is that her ex wants her back. I would love to contact him, but have no clue how to go about doing that. I dont even know what his last name is and there is no-way, no-how H will tell me. I guess I need to figure out how to get ahold of him.

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Originally Posted by TikiLover
One thing that is for SURE...once I expose him to his boss he will be fired on the spot and not only will he hate me, but there is ZERO chance at that point that he'd still be wanting to work on the marriage.


tiki, if you read some threads here you will see that ALL waywards go ballistic and make horrible threats when first exposed - but as Dr. Harley says, exposure is the first step towards recovery.

You've got to understand: Your marriage CAN survive his temporary anger at having his affair exposed. It CANNOT survive his dating and *bleeping* another woman.

It's just as simple as that.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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