Redeem_Me.

I know you are smart, and I know that you understand intellectually what people are saying to you here, and the knowledge and wisdom of it. But as a FWH and a retired professional, I would like to tell you a couple of things that are no different than what everyone has written here, but maybe in a slightly different way. The first is that if you stay here and learn and get farther away from your emotional attachment with OM, you will go back and read your early comments and just laugh at yourself. You will see your fog as thick as pea soup and your brain's attempt to intellectualize, compartmentalize, and thereby gain what seems like some kind of control of an excruciating truth that will be there for the rest of your life and which is immune from all these mental gymnastics of control over your own life. The second, and more important thing, stated bluntly and simply is that you have no options, other than divorce, to the reality that you cannot be involved with this man in any way, forever. You cannot think about him. You cannot fantasize about him when having sex with your husband or with yourself. You cannot be concerned with his future or his wife's future. You cannot look at him directly at work. You cannot ever speak to him or even say "hi". You cannot work with him on projects or assignments. You cannot attend social or business events, dinners, receptions, celebrations, with him. Now comes the hardest part that, other than divorce, you must realize. If you cannot avoid those events or interactions with him totally forever, you must quit your job and be where he isn't. It really is as simple as that. That is what everyone is trying to explain to you. I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor, even though it doesn't take any luck at all. It just takes plain commitment and unending hard work that is emotionally uncomfortable and will make you miserable at times. Your tear glands will get a long workout. That is just the way it is. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will be able to start recovering your marriage. I think I responded to several different people in this, and some of this job stuff does not apply to you. I apologize for my confusion. Nevertheless, these are the truths of the matter.

I am lazy, so I am copying something I posted earlier on another thread.

thank you for your offer of support. In three days I will have a 4-year D-Day anniversary. And I can tell you that my feelings post D-Day were very real, very intense, and very valid.

And the vets are right.

I missed the OM. So what? Was dwelling on him and analyzing why I "loved" him and trying to figure out "how" to not think about what I was thinking about when I shouldn't be thinking it going to help my M? Nope. And IS there a difference between hurting because someone cut your arm off and hurting because you cut your own arm off? Yep. And does a marriage recover faster if a WS focuses on their devastated BS with humility. responsibility, and patience? You betcha. And is vicitmhood and sarcastic attempts to induce guilt and cry woe-is-me highly unattractive? Boy howdy!

I have been a WS. I thought I loved OM. I was miserable in an emotionless, roommate, sexless M. I know exactly how it feels to be a victim of your own bad choices. And all that really matters is that A. I stopped cheating B. I was broken and truly repentant over what I had done and C. I was willing to do whatever it took for as long as it took to repair MY stuff in the M without looking for applause (because that is what I should have been doing anyway instead of rocking the bed with OM).

I don't mean to be insensitive, but if WS's would spend all the time they use constructing arguments and dramatizing and sympathizing and trying to make others feel bad for making them feel bad actually looking the horror of what they CHOSE full in the face and acting from humility.....A lot more M's would be saved a lot faster.

If you ever have physical therapy for surgery or an injury, you will find that the best physical therapists are not the ones who hand you tissues and pat you and tell you they know your knee hurts. The best ones will urge you to keep going, bend father, work through the pain, so that you can get your range of motion back.

And I guess I am strange, but as a WS, I never felt betrayed, unless lying to myself counts. And it really doesn't because I did it with my own full knowledge.

Why not? It was great the first time so why bother changing it?

And pray tell us RM......

Just WHOM betrayed YOU??

Exactly HOW were you betrayed????

Be use you may "feel" betrayed by those "feel gs" are a lie.......

So, shifting this discussion to what I'm going for my H (because that's a better way to think/live)...

We're heading up to the family cabin for the weekend with the kids. Bringing SAA book and a few others to read and discuss with H. We are also following our marriage counselor's advice and listing specific examples of ways we can show love to each other.

I'm a lucky gal to have a wonderful husband

I hope this will be a really good trip for you. A neutral type place like that could really open the door for good discussion...and snuggling. Even my DH - who isn't usually very touchy - seemed to need physical contact constantly for awhile after D-Day. I have to admit, though I knew I didn't deserve it - I relished every second of that contact.

and RM, just remember that it is not a given that your BH will not change his mind and decide he does not want to R the M. It happens a lot.
So, get working on it and drop the OM.
blessing

One thing I suggest is do everything together, and make sure you both POJA everything. Even reading the books, see if it is something he truly wants to do. Read them out loud to each other, and enjoy this time.

If you have a good time with DH then you need to repeat these happy times everyday for up to 20+ hours a week.

Be honest, don't LB, and make good deposits in your DH LB$.

You will have a great time with your DH if you only allow yourself to have a good time with DH.

(P.S. We're off next week to a cabin in Island Park, ID, I'm super stoked! A whole week with my lovely wife! Fishing, boating, Yellowstone, and smores!)

I actually asked this question 2x for a reason. Is there a reason you are not answering???

Frustrating, isn't it?


RM, people are trying hard to help you; but they need you to answer their questions.

Yes! Very frustrating!

RM, all this:
is cute and sweet but doesn't mean anything if you keep triggering yourself and keeping yourself stuck in withdrawal by having mementos from your A.

So I would appreciate an answer to the question.

maybe she does not want help really...she is too fogged up. She might just mess this up pretty good...and her BH will just not have the patience.
blessing

Hey everyone,

Back from our vacation to the cabin. It was SO refreshing to get out of the house for awhile. I would definitely recommend to anyone going through something like this to take some time away from home to help focus you in on each other.

There's a lot that people have asked that I have not answered and in time I plan to answer these questions (because I realize they are intended to help me through this, and I thank you for your help).

I wanted to share that the OM contacted me two days ago asking for me to send a picture of myself for him to show his W. She had shared with me (back when I had my text exchange with her) that she wanted to see what I looked like, although she didn't ask for a picture. I thought at that time about sending her a picture but didn't feel it was a good idea. I understand her anguish about not knowing what I look like, but I don't feel sharing a picture of myself with her would be helpful really. As a woman, I know how damaging that could be to have a picture of "the other woman". She will naturally compare herself to me, and I don't want that for her. What are your thoughts??

My H has been back and forth about it. He doesn't want for her to have a picture of me, but feels she has a right to see what I look like.

Our therapist said not to send the picture and for my H to send a message back saying, "Stay the f* away from my family."

I should also add that this OM has some nerve sending me a message himself. He wants this picture to help his W with "closure" but what about my H?? My H wants this OM out of our lives for good. By him emailing me, it brings back so much anger for my H. It only serves to hurt us more.

Wish I didn't have to think about this at all, wish the OM hadn't contacted me...

Any advice on how to handle this would be helpful.

Thanks.

Your initial instincts and your therapist is correct. This should be a no-brainer.

But do women see this issue differently than men?

and

Is it "wrong" of me to not allow her a chance to see what I look like?

No. Wrong is sleeping with her husband. Ignore the request and plug up that hole for contact. Your recovery just got set back to day 1 with contact.

This is such BS!
He sent you his picture to try and reconnect with you. HE wants your picture as a reminder for HIM. This has nothing to do with his BW and your BH

Time for some 2x4s.

I am going to call you out on this one. You purposely glossed over my question about pictures, gifts, emails from the A...TWO TIMES... If the answer was yes, you have gotten rid of it or you were going to get rid of it, it would take three seconds to post that.

THIS IS GOING TO KEEP YOU STUCK IN W/D which is evident from your recent fogbabble posts about OM and OMW.

Are these items from your A worth risking your R and hurting your H if he discovers them?

Why am I not surprised you haven't changed your email address... *sigh* Are you going to change it? Changing all the ways in which OM can contact you is STEP ONE of RECOVERY. You know this!!

Re-emphasize no contact, and change your email address so this doesn't happen again.

I agree - you shouldn't send the picture. That is rewarding his contact.

What if his wife wants to talk to you next time?

What if she wants to meet with you and your husband?

The best thing you can do for either of your marriages is firmly enforce NC.