Hitch,

Oh my! What to tell you. First, given that your marriage was so young when you had the affair, I have to say, that the damage will outweigh the good times.

But, what I see from you is an inability to see the truth.

This was and is the case with OM. You had an affair with him because you failed to see what was going on and allowed your own boundaries (if you have them) to be overrun. You failed to see the truth of what you did...ended your marriage. You failed to give your H a chance and you lied to him.

BUT, you are lying to yourself even more right now. First, a good man NEVER hits his W, NEVER! There is NO JUSTIFICATION for him hitting you just as there is/was no justification for your lies and betrayal. You are not married to a good man.

Next, your H has had sex with other women so he has been and is cheating on you. That is no more justified than what you did and you are lying to yourself if you have convinced yourself that he has the right to do this.

You are lying to yourself if you believe OM was a good man, he was cheating on his GF and he had no problem destroying your marriage.

In short, you are married to a man that feels hitting women is a good thing and feels he is justified in sleeping around. You need STD test not only because of OM but because of your H.

Hitch, quit lying to yourself and face the reality of this situation. You can plan A if you want, but if you were my daughter and you are more than young enough to be my daughter, I would be on your case like a bad rash for your affair, for you allowing your H to hit you, and for you standing still for his cheating.

You have no hope for a good marriage unless you get honest and see the facts for what they are. First, you must get honest with yourself and quit lying to protect your poor choice in a husband, and you need to quit lying to protect yourself for your poor choice to have an affair.

Young lady, have some pride in yourself and stand up for what you know is right. Please read or reread the articles on this site, nowhere does it say that you should be hit or cheated on to justify what you did.

Think about this very carefully.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Gamma - His old GF is currently going through IVF they have been separated since Feb 2009 - do you think it is fair to put her through extra stess whilst she is trying to have a baby on her own?

How do you know all this information about OM's XGF?

Hi Suamico - because OM told me before we went NC. The OM and his XGF remained friends.

Hi JustLearning

Thank you for posting your response, I appreciate everything you say. I hear what you are saying but have been trying to do everything to save my M. There is a lot of information on this website and I have been told that Plan A is what I am suppose to do!!

I agree with everything you say, am I supposed to accept that I did not marry a good man and move on with my life? Is he supposed to do the same?

Thanks again.

Hitch,

You cannot have a good marriage unless you are married to a good man. He cannot have a good marriage unless he is married to a good woman. Simple right?

Here is the point, YOU BOTH have to be good to one another or there will be no marriage worth saving. His hitting you or thinking that hitting you is acceptable is NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am a man and a large man and I find a man like him to be someone I would like to deal with personally. He is not a man if he hits women.

If you want to "rebuild" this marriage you both need to rebuild yourselfs and that starts with you and your H establishing boundaries of behavior that you will and won't accept. His behavior is no better than yours was and it will NOT help you save this marriage.

You are confusing the word love. Many people describe as a "feeling". The Greeks had three words for love. The meaning meant in your marriage vows was not a feeling but an action. You two promised to act in a loving manner toward one another and you both have failed at this miserably.

To save this marriage you MUST have personal boundaries and not allow him to violate them. He must have personal boundaries as well. If they don't match up, then frankly you should move on.

I realize you want to atone for your decision to have an affair, but that alone won't make for a good marriage. His behavior must be addressed as well. Just because you had an affair does NOT permit him to make you a punching bag, nor for him to go out and sleep with other women. MB does not work that way and rebuilding the marriage will not be successful if you continue to tolerate your H's behavior.

Think about this carefully.

God Bless,

JL

The OM and his XGF remained friends.

Good God! OM is keeping this girl in his circle for future use, do you see how he operates.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you JL.

I hear what you are saying and agree with everything. This has been going on for 18 months now and I have lost my sense of self. I use to be a stong person, who knew what was right or wrong but just feel on the back foot because of what I did. I also have felt very clouded about what was right or wrong in my H because of my own actions.

You are right though I can no longer continue to accept his behaviour, I fear he will say, well I can do what we are like as we are no longer together. Maybe that is the answer I am afraid of, maybe getting him to forgive me for the A is a way of getting to forgive myself and that is why I have no pride.

I do have to see it for what it is though. I don't really want to speak to my H to get him to speak to Steve if I am honest I want to tell him the boundaries and then if he does not want to do that then move on.

Do you think I should get him to speak to Steve first? I really feel that I have seen another side to him and love is poisened.

Thanks for your time on this.

Gamma - yes I see how he operates, he justified the A by saying that it was over between him and his GF and he was just finding the right time to tell her.

I am starting to feel very angry about everything, here I am again sat at home on a friday night and where is my H? I have no clue. Is he with OW 1,2,3 or 4? What am I doing? What do I do next wait, go to an attorney, or get H to speak to Steve?

Aother sleepless night I fear.

Hitch, this is such a mess! I'm really sorry in your situation, but really you brought it on yourself, you and your husband.

Have you exposed your affair? Have you exposed your husband affairs? I didn't read anything on your thread that you have exposed, that would be my first suggestions. First you need to let everyone know family, friends, co-workers why you left your husband in 08 to have an affair, then you need to let them know that you are trying to fix your marriage that your husband has been sleeping around with OW's, affairs thrive on secrecy, so the more you hide his affairs the more he will keep doing it.

Yes he will be angry, mad, upset, so I suggest you make sure you have someone there so he doesn't hit you again, personally I think you should get a restraining order against him if you are fearful of that.

Honestly if you don't expose then you have no hope on repairing your marriage. No MC, or the harley's can fix that, if you and him are keeping it a secret, then the FOG will NEVER lift!

Good luck

Hi Sapphire

I know this is such a mess!! Tell me about it!

He has told me that we are going 'to part ways' and that he will never be able to forgive me for the A. Therefore he sees is that he can do whatever he likes even though we are still married and live under the same roof. He does this though, and as soon as I move on he gets upset, and cries for my help and support, as soon as I build him back up again, he goes off and does his own thing.

His mother never liked me, and is probably pleased he is seeing other people. We are not going out as a couple, so I don't have the chance to see any of his friends or family. I do see some of his co-workers so could tell them. I also got on well with his brother so could email him.

Thanks for your advice.

H2007,

Here is a low tech. approach, did you ever ask your H how he really feels about the affair? Did you indicate that you would answer any question he asked with full honesty leaving out no details? At this point you have to go for broke with radical honesty, you have nothing to lose.

If I had gotten this from my wife I would not be were I am now, the most I've gotten from her was to ask me which of her EA's was the hardest for me to deal with. I think my wife can't handle that her actions caused me so much pain.

I know it is common for women to feel great embarissment and shame from an affair and just want to say sorry once and think that is enough for her H to move on. But trust me men hold things inside and are slower to recover than women, and in my case time just made it worse.

Did previous girlfriends / wives cheat on him?

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks Gamma this is really helpful.

It is good to have a guys opinion. No I have never asked him how he feels about the A. He has bought it up and all he says is I wished I hadn't have done it.

We have talked about it in an indirect way, his response was that he thought I was very naive and that he would look like an idiot if he took me back.

I will ask him what he really thinks of the A. I would be happy to answer anything he has to say but his initial reaction has been to shut me out.

On your last question Gamma, he has had 2 previous GF. He has cheated on them both. He cheated on his 1st GF all the time, and left her for his 2nd GF. He cheated on his 2nd GF and left her because he could not cope with her depression.

Is this really his major concern?

Oh no. This is not good.

No it is not great Tully. I think he knows how remorseful and sorry I am yet he said that he will 'look like a mug' if he takes me back.

Hitch,

Ok let's do a little sorting shall we.

1. Tell him he needs to talk to Steve H because frankly if he doesn't change his approach to how things are going he is going to lose you.

2. You need to plan A your H but plan A may feel like you are a doormat, but it isn't about being a doormat. First step is exposure. Your H has struck you and he has cheated on you and his parents and people that have influence on him need to know. Will he say "well she cheated first" ? Of course he will, but who cares at this point.

3. I will tell you right now recovery is NOT FOR WIMPS. I am on you because you need to well grounded, very focused, and very honest with yourself to endure recovery. You both will have to be eventually, but now it falls to you to do this.

4. Your H must be accountable for his time and his behavior just as you must be. Frankly, if you are not willing to leave you have little leverage. YOu should never threaten him, but you must decide if you can live like you are living now. If not, then to change things you must be willing to change.

5. You must realize that recovery is a process and I am sure SH told you all of this.

6. Given that your H has no boundaries, you must make sure yours are protected. This is not about threats, this is about planning, and then executing the plan.


Please think about these things. I know this is not easy, but it is really pretty simple.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL, this seems like a good logical plan to follow.

I will follow these steps as I feel that I need to do more than just sit around doing Plan A.

I am going to stick with this plan and do EVERYTHING it says on here. No more sitting around whilst he goes off and does his own thing.

Strangest thing just happened tonight. He has had a few drinks and came home and laid on my bed touching my arm, asking me lots of questions, being flirty and trying to sleep on the bed. He has not done ANYTHING like this since he found out about the A. I told him he was drunk and needed to go to bed.

Hello Hitch, sorry you are here, but you couldn't have landed in a better place.

If you stay here, you will learn a lot, and you will change. That change will most definitely be for the better, and you will be in the position to know what a healthy marriage is and to have one to boot.

I noticed in your signature that you were around thirty or so when you married your husband. Is this your first marriage? I asked because if you spent a significant part of your adult life as a single woman, what was your attitude about casual sex and the hook up culture that's the rage on college campuses and in the single scene?

I say this to say that you may have to unlearn what may seem to be normal behavior in order to establish boundaries conducive to marriage and monogamous relationships.

You don't indicate that you thought you were entitled to have a relationship outside of your marriage, so I suspect that as JL noted that you didn't have boundaries in place to protect your marriage. If you never needed boundaries as a single person, then it is understandable how you became overwhelmed by the situation you found yourself in with the OM. Not justifiable, but understandable.