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Still avoiding H. He's staying around home more often. He still goes out but is home by 8PM. Wonder if going out all the time is wearing thin. Not sure if he has even been drinking the last 3 days. This is weird. Maybe things are starting to sink in, but I doubt it. I wouldn't hold my breath because I would turn blue in the face and pass out.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Traci, have you filed for D or legal separation yet?

You need to get him out of the house.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Yes, PR, do not fall into his little traps again. He is gone..big time. File for D and get your life back
Blessing


atena
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Originally Posted by atena
Yes, PR, do not fall into his little traps again. He is gone..big time. File for D and get your life back
Blessing

I think that it is so obviuos to PR that her husband is sick, that even though she has allways been the more responsible partner that she knows she can't do it anymore.

What i am worring about here, and it wouldn't be the first time I have ever seen it, is her accepting him back into the marriage when he is only half-healed.


This has been an issue that I have brought up from the beginning. PR is a strong independant caregiver type. Willing to do everything for everybody and very sacrificial. What I pointed out then and am now is that it is one-sided and not a balanced relationship where both are equally taking responsibility for themselves.

Its easy to see someone fall and point out the faults in how they act. Its hard to see how you might have set them up for it by years of, "Oh well, He/She is just like that, I guess I will cover them again and wish the best"

Now she has come to the place where she can no longer be the Mommy and He has crossed the line hurting her where there is nothing she can do to deny it,or fix it, or control it, and she doesn't see the co-dependantcy she has in herself.

It doesn't matter if she repairs this one or not, any relationships where she does more than her share, where she loves them so much that she is willing to overlook the possibility of growth by making them do what they are supposed to do, is unfair to her.

Co-dependancy is the nice way to be controlling because you think you don't deserve someone who has self respect and shows you love from that viewpoint. This is part of the problem here. She deserves better, and its not up to her to fix him, make him see, or parent him, or anybody else for that matter.

Co-dependantcy can sneak up on us. It feels right, we sacrifice for whom we love and take up the cross when we think they are weak in an area. It also is a sign that the person needs help if they don't realize that they are making poor choices. We rob them from the process they must go through to grow if we don't call them on it and we think we are just doing the best for them in the name of love. Thats how we lose the reality that we are lucky to have each other, by losing the reality of personal accoutability and the consequences that come from bad decsions.

As time goes on we take on more, and get stronger for it, and we are drained, but we muster on, untill we are trying to handle it all and are all alone in a relationship that was supposed to be two caring for each other equally but has become one who is bearing most of the burden, while we wait for the other to get right and see the light.


I think Traci is an awesome woman, and this is a story I have seen time and again when women,(mostly), try to do it all, and take away the mans need to screw up and deal with the consequences.

Unless this guy was allways a child, (then there are more deeper questions Traci has to ask herself like "why do I go for the wounded puppys"), then whatever happened to him can be blamed somewhat on how she "loved him too much" and didn't expect him to love her, untill she deserved it, and taught him how. Don't think that this can't happen, it happens all the time, especially with children from mothers who wont let them go.

Think of the song, "Mother", by Pink Floyd. Eventually the best gift is the expectation we give when we stop protecting our children and let God take over. I think thats what God wants, and I trust he is able more than I to guide them anyway. This IMO is the highest form of respect for someone, to find them worthy of Gods attention and expecting them to live thier life before Him.

She deserves better, and to understand how it got this way, and to balance her relationships, even if they are not romantic but especially if the are a trusted friend for life.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Doing fine today. Going out with friends. When H found out I was going out he wanted to know who I was going with. Told him it was none of his business. That was not what he was expecting.
H told me to call one of the girls to bring me home if I drank too much and I just ignored him. Don't plan on drinking and driving. Don't plan on drinking anyway when I go out.

I am so tired of everything but leaving it in God's hands. Constantly praying to him and asking for guidance. I find comfort in the Lord. He has been with me all the way and will be with me til the end.

My best friend from high school emailed me on Tuesday and let me know that her mom died Monday. I had to call my Mom and let her know that one of her best friends had died. The reason my Mom didn't know was because they had moved to Tennessee a couple of years ago. She knew her friend had cancer and was keeping up with her but hadn't been told she had died. My Mom is very upset because she has lost 2 friends in the past 2 1/2 years to cancer. My friend's mom was only 63yrs old. This scares me because my Mom is only 69yrs old and was recently diagnosed with early dementia. I realize that my Mom comes first right now in my life because one day she might not even remember me one day because it is hard with what is going on in my life right now.

Still hoping and praying.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 430
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I need everyone to pray for me right now. I am having a very hard day. I have been crying and praying for over a couple of hours now. I don't know what to do. I have been doing ok up until now. I think I have finally met my breaking point. I know God is there for me but I am hurting right now. I know I will survive but it sure is hard.

Still hoping and praying.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
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You will survive.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
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your in my prayers, hang in there, keep yourself busy, little things, minute by minute........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 1,422
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Praying for you now phoenix, He will care for you


Me, BS Him, Alcoholic, FWH H did 180 in '01 Recovered, blessed marriage now Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1
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Just want to thank everyone here for all your wonderful advice and for just being here and being so supportive. Things are difficult at the moment and I don't know what to do except keep praying and going to IC.

I have decided to leave the MB web site for a while and take care of me. I will check in every once in a while to see how everyone is doing but right now I am no good to anyone until I get myself doing better. I am not even qualified to give anyone else advice either.

Still hoping and praying and always will.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
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Keep checking in while you heal, live, and learn Phoenix. I am sure you qualify to care if you have experienced some pain that you can relate with.

BSs need support.

God will take care of you as he allways has I am sure, Maybe even more.

God Bless

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Traci, I find that when it gets tough, this is the best place to be. You will receive support here when most others don't understand.

Praying for you and your family. Remember to take care of yourself first. As long as you allow your H to co-exist with you there will be no changes. Everyone here wants their M restored but want a great marriage not what we are willing to put up with.

Blessings.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Posts: 2,390
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I agree with Hope. No one else understands like we do, so hang around.

Also praying for you.



BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Posts: 6,643
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hug Traci hug

I truly understand the darkness and the pain that we walk through. I lived it for so long and just like you I kept on trudging and walking in FAITH and TRUST with my G-d. Just like you are.

I also came to wonder if it wasn't those darkest times and the deepest struggles that G-d was most able to work inside of me because my defenses were down and I was OPEN to receiving his love and will in my life.

You are so amazing. Your walk in FAITH and TRUST is inspiring and if you need to take a break from here. Do it, but also know that it was the very same times that I needed this place not to post for anyone else but ME. To put my thoughts, my struggles my tears down and just know that people understood.

And I wasn't so alone. The pain you are going through is so very real. And even though you know you can walk through it, it's tiring. I learned that sharingthe pain diffused it because then people prayed for me and it somehow got easier.

Be gentle with yourself. Here is my email if you want to contact me... mvlaxmom@yahoo.com.

We love you.



BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Great post Queenie, Many things that I wanted to say are mirrored.

You are not alone Traci, and many people have felt called by God to handle more than their share in this life all by themselves, trying to protect the ones we love. Its a noble and righteous calling.

When they don't see it, and they betray you childlessly, you start to feel its your fault as you give more than God intended you to. Thats when it gets imbalanced, and He wants to take the burden away and handle it.

But we didn't fail, we want you to see that. Not to fellowship with a percieved failure, but instead with His provision of mercy and power of justice that only He weilds.

So you can be restored to a place where God is in charge again and inside you know it, so you can have peace and expect the best. It is not all up to you, just your part is, and you handled it well as you could at the time, but now you know your limits.

You truly can let go and let God.

I am doing that more every day


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 430
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Hello everyone, I am back after being gone for a couple of months trying to get myself together. The reason I left here to begin with was because MB was starting to depress me. There was a lot of negativity with some people.

I have been doing a lot of praying and soul searching these past couple of months. I feel a lot better. It has been hard. I have cried and cried to God and asked Him "Why?". I have received my answers and now I feel better. My therapist says that my faith is the reason I have been doing so well.

My H is still sleeping in DD20's room. He says he is moving out this month but I'll believe it when I see it. Most everyone says he still loves me but that he has to hit bottom first to realize this. DD22 thinks that we can make it and she is one that wanted us to get divorced years ago and now she has changed her mind. That says a lot when that comes from her.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
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Hi Tracie, thanks for checking in. I wondered what happened to you.

Faith in God and turning it to Him will give you peace. Happy you are finding answers. Blessings.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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**edit**

Last edited by Revera; 10/15/10 06:34 AM. Reason: TOS disrespectful, disruptive
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**edit**

Last edited by Revera; 10/15/10 06:35 AM. Reason: TOS personal attack
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Izitrog,
your comments, not only to this poster but to several others you decided to put your 2 cents into, are unclear but offensive.
This is MB, please read the introduction and the literature to this site before you post.
Thank you
Blessing


atena
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