Glad you're here, NP. You sound infuriated and resolute - capitalize on those feelings!

I agree with your plan. I would read up on Plan A, just to shake yourself out of the funk generated by a false recovery. Do all of those Plan A things, plus be up and self-confident and a goddess (there's a thread somewhere for that...) - a lot to muster, but do it for you. And for your WH, but more for you.

And make it a real plan. Write it out, steps, ideas, etc. That might make it easier to execute.

Then hit him hard with Plan B. (Who knows, maybe he won't want to leave by the time the new job is supposed to start?!) Go dark. And this time, w/ the Plan B, remember all that you have just gone through with a false recovery - and by golly, that is not going to happen again!




Oh, and: save plenty of loving for the lil' bean!

I reread Plan A. Have to admit that over the last couple weeks I haven't been Plan A'ing at all. I was in shock.

Still .... I will do it all again now. I am doing this for our family, and I CAN do it one more month.

I am finally out of the shock now. I think the breakthrough came today, when we talked after his interview. Before today, I was living in this denial dream where I just woke up every morning and said to myself, "This is not real. My husband loves me. My family is fine." No longer.

My first goals: to just be cheerful. Someone he'd WANT to be around. Smile for my children, for him, for my family. Find something to laugh about even when I feel like sobbing. Never bring up OW - that's his own mistake to make from now on. Don't complain and give him his alone time - screw UA for now, it's not working. Be the best mother I can be. Be the best friend to him I can be. Walk away when he's being a jerk instead of reacting. Show him how strong I can be. Oh - and look FAN-F'ING-TASTIC!! (I'm already down to only 6lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight - that's something I can feel good about at least!)

And when he leaves - FIND THE COURAGE to be dark, so dark it'll be as if I'm dead to him.

Don't forget to do some of the stick part of Plan A too. Make sure that he KNOWS what you will be expecting from him IF there is going to be a FUTURE with you. Afterall, you only do Plan A IF you INTEND to attempt to save your marriage. Otherwise, it would be Plan B/D/FU.

Gonna be a hard go. You know you can lean on us here. Also, remember, you are going to need to release that anger that will build up.

And, try to slide in, whenever appropriate, "I will not accept a marriage where you have a girlfriend, would you like a cookie?"

You CAN do this. You got into Plan B before. You just didn;t get to reap the benefits of it. This time you probably will.

WAYTURDS SUCK AZZ(haven't said that in a while).

I'm almost at a point where I don't CARE if I get benefits (for the marriage) from Plan A. It almost feels like Plan B/D/FU, ya know? I know it's going to be hard. I think it will be easier this time, since my LB is so much lower..... but I am going to give it a shot. Plan A HARD, and then TRULY plan B. For what it's worth now anyway....

A little while ago DS started crying so I went into the nursery to see if he was needing to eat. Found WH in there, patting him and crying. A$$. What does HE have to cry about?????

Since you are planning to plan A til you go dark when he goes to the job....

-enjoy each moment with him
-do not waste time feeling despair since it may (underline may) be the end of the marriage (though hopefully it is not)
-cherish each moment as his wife and do not let him bait you with the OW
-adore your kiddos
-adore yourself
-appear to adore your H (though he is wayward and it can be so infuriating!)
-prepare to recall the best plan A you could have done given the circumstances dealt you once you go to B
-Know that you are one really focused warrior of your marriage and whatever the end result, YOU did the best to save it

Maybe you will

I disagree with this plan but you probably knew I would...right NP?

Why do you want to go through another month of this misery?

If you are going to Plan A him then at least do it right. You must remember the carrot and stick. From what you have said it sounds like you are just going to break out the carrot for the next month and that's it. Is he going to keep seeing OW during this time? Is he going to come and go as he pleases and all the while you are being 'nice'? If so, I would call that being a doormat and he won't respect you for that and you sure as h@ll won't respect yourself.

I'm really worried about you NP. I think a month of this is going to put you into an emotional crisis. That's not what lil bean and DD need for their mother.

Please consider what I am saying.

And, don't be gone for so long next time! If you are really gong to do another month of this then you will need the suppoort of your MB family.

Thanks mindshare - and no, I'm not surprised you disapprove of this plan! tbh, I'm sure there are lots of other people out there who disapprove too, just haven't voiced it. And I promise, I won't be gone so long again. I need you guys. Reality has set back in for me.

Today was a MUCH harder day. He got the job offer and it hit me that truly and honestly, in a month, he will be gone. Through all this at least he was around. And if he wasn't, he wasn't GONE gone, just out of the house. Now he's going to be really and truly just gone.

So today all I could think was, just 30 more days. I know I said yesterday my LB was in the red, and it was - yesterday Today all I can think about is how much I love him and I don't know how to let that go. We spent the day at a neighbour's house, out for lunch and then to their place and no one would EVER guess that this was going on. So I just have to keep up this happy couple act and all the while I'm crying so hard inside.

He put DD to bed and was so sleepy he went and collapsed on our bed, fully clothed and everything. I went in there and lay down beside him for a couple minutes and looked at his face and all I could think was, "What will I do without you?"

The worst thing is, he promised me he wasn't going to tell OW about the job offer. But I KNOW there is no way he's leaving this city without contacting her and saying goodbye, whatever that goodbye to HER means. And that is just killing me.

How do you do it? How to you watch your spouse that you lvoe SO MUCH walk away and keep going? I know so many of you have done it, gone to Plan B, and I just .... it kills me. I love him so much still and I feel like my world is truly falling apart.

Is that weak of me? How do you do this? I know that's where I'm heading in 30 days and ... I don't know how to get past it.

NP, I've only got a moment, so no time to mince words.

The disagreement with your plan comes from 2 main areas: 1) continuing a Plan A for such a long period after Plan A, Plan B, and a false recovery, only builds entitlement with him, and resentment in you, which will have to be overcome later if the M is to have any hope of recovery. And 2), many of us have experienced the PTSD that comes from extended Plan A's. We would spare you that if we could.

Right now, you are letting him call all the shots. Why??? My recommendation is to tell him to move out immediately, and go dark.

Your current plan, if you follow it to completion, will most likely end in a huge increase of problems to deal with, whether the end result is R or D.

You are the one who should be in charge of this thing. Whether he stays or goes, whether he gets access to you or not (NOT!!!). If you allow a mind-scrambled alien to steer your family ship, it is no surprise when he aims it straight for the rocks.

Grab the wheel and set the course that is best for you and the children. Eventually, he will either follow or not, but at least you will have done right by yourself and those kids.

Big hugs, BTDT, and I know it's no fun.

FWIW, Neak's feelings and mindshare's thoughts are where my mind/feelings went right away when I read your post about your plan. I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and you don't want to think about losing your WH. Thing is, as hard as this is to understand, HE'S ALREADY GONE. I remember someone saying on my thread that my Dear Husband is DEAD. The memories are still there and THAT is who you still LOVE, not this alien.

So, although I don't agree with your plan, I am willing to try to help you do it right. That's why the reminder about the stick of Plan A. All carrot and no stick WILL be Plan DOORMAT.

You should make sure that you have all of your Plan B stuff ready to go and a plan in case you want to implement it before he is supposed to leave. Would you be able to get him out of the house again? Would YOU have to take the kiddos and leave until he does? Figure out all of the scenarios. You SHOULD get into Plan B ASAP for yourself. This roller coaster ride is expected. Your emotions will be all over the map. That's why you need a plan and you need to work the plan. Take care.

It is critical that you contact your physician to let them know you are about to separate from your spouse and anticipating great stress and grief and want to have medical backup should you need it.
You just had a baby which makes the physical/mental situation even more magnified and complex for you.

Focus on no love busting so that you leave the very best impression for whenever you go to B. Let the last image of you be of an attractive situation to return to if the affair ever dies a natural death. It will be critical in you not regretting your plans while the future unfolds.

I am in plan B. Have been a while and let me tell you

I still love my husband.
I love him deeply.
I love him with all my heart and soul

but I have discovered something riding this rollercoaster

I love myself even more

I don't like what my husband has done, is doing. I will not allow him access to me as he continues doing it. I will not be mean to him, but I will not be disrespected further as a human, woman, wife.

I have a high bar for my marriage. If my husband can ever meet it, great. If not, so be it.


You will grow as a person through this intense situation New Petals. It isn't all butterflies and flowers as it once was in your life. You will have some butterflies and flowers here and there in the future though. You will. You are woman,mother, wife.

Sorry NP I agree with the others...I do NOT LIKE THIS PLAN!

Only because how much pain you have to endure! I don't like it, ONE BIT!!

This is not healthy NP, and I wish I was there right now to pack all of your stuff and your kids! YOU and your KIDS do not deserve this much pain!

You have already lost your husband, get it over with SOONER!

PACK UP

LEAVE

and

GO DARK!!

Don't give the chance for your sleazy husband to say goodbye to his children, he has already abandon them.

PLEASE!!!

For your OWN SANITY!!

and OURS!!

I'm going to cast my vote here. Neak knows what's what.

I did think a form of Plan A was important to leave NP's WH w/ a good impression when she went Plan B, but I think Neak brings up some good points re: an extended Plan A. FTR.

Hugs, NP.

Please, NP listen to the Plan B advice.
Go and stay with family and use an IM to go dark.

I had a baby a month before you had your son, and my heart aches for you when I read your posts.

But honestly, part of the "love" you're feeling right now is bonding hormones. Perfectly normal post partum bonding hormones....and they are working against your best interest when it comes to you and WH.

He is ready to walk away from a wonderful wife and 2 precious children....one a newborn....

he is a total wayturd right now. And you aren't guaranteed that he will ever change.

You need love and support and space away from his toxicity.

If you can stay with family or friends that care, you will be further ahead emotionally when he leaves in four weeks.

He's not planning on taking the children. he's leaving them with you...and all the heartbreak he's caused.

Your little ones will need you to be strong. They need you strong now.

It's time to lean on those who love you and your children. Get away from him for the next few weeks, recover from giving birth, and utilize the familial support to help yourself come to grips with what is happening to your M.

No plan A...it's too risky and can leave you with major post-partum depression at this point.

Stay with family.
Dark Plan B.
Strong, supportive IM.
Contact attorney.
Heal from pregnancy/birth.
Be the healthiest, best mom you can be to two precious little ones who deserve to have at least 1 parent that loves them.

Mom to Mom:
please, don't let him hurt you or them anymore.

You've done a good Plan A already. If you do not lovebust for the short time it takes to separate, and if you can reach deep enough to give him a few loving gestures during that time, that is the most you should ask of yourself.

I am very worried about you.

{{{NP}}}

I just leafed through your thread. I am so sorry - I hadn't checked in because I thought you and wayturd had r.
Congrats on the new baby boy, such a beautiful blessing.

I have to say I agree with the previous posts; you have done a great plan A, you have the stress of a new baby and a wayturd. It is time to protect yourself and your kids from any more stress.

I couldn't believe how much easier I could breathe when I removed myself from the drama. Now I will be the first to admit I have not done as great a Plan B as Scotty. But what I did do helped me immensely.

You need to have him leave, there needs to be consequences.

Take care and know that you have another MBer praying for you.

Thank you for the advice, everyone. I have been reading the posts over the last couple days and I have come to accept that my husband that I love so deeply, who I feel is my true other half - he's truly gone.

Going over it, he took DD over to POSOW's house a WEEK after l'il bean was born, and asked her if she thought they still had a chance. Has kept up contact with her. Told her about this job as soon as he got it. We had an argument yesterday about our marriage and he took off, went to see his mom, and then disappeared for 6 hrs - claims he wasn't with OW but admits he called her and probably would have gone to see her if not for the fact she had her daughter with her. Blatantly told me he's going to see her next weekend. I cannot accept this blatant cheating and cruelty any longer.

When he saw his mom he went whining to her about how awful I am and how he can't take the marriage anymore. Conveniently didn't mention the fact that OW remains in his life - I corrected that with an email this morning to her. She had told him before we abandoned our marriage completely she wanted to try one more thing for us (see what a baby he is? His MOM has to try to fix his marriage for him, just like she babies him in every other aspect of his life). I told her that as long as POSOW remains in his life, she is wasting her time. I know how she feels about POSOW - and if he ends up with her, I hope they are happy in their bubble because she has said many times she will NEVER accept that woman.

I CANNOT Plan A anymore. I will do my absolute best to be civil, not even NICE, for the next couple weeks until he's gone. I have no love left for this alien. Every now and then the MEMORY of my husband overtakes me and I forget that it's not him here right now, and I grieve deeply. I spent all of yesterday sobbing my heart out. I cannot try to be loving anymore, it`s asking too much of myself.

When he leaves I will be in Plan B with the expectation of it fully heading to divorce. He keeps claiming he wants to be friends after we separate but he wouldn't treat even a distant friend the way he is treating me.

I threw his wedding ring out in the backyard somewhere last night after he got home. He was all annoyed because he "could have sold it." I found it this morning when I let the dog out and left it out on the bbq in the rain. He can find it there later and do what he wants with it.

Thank you all for the prayers. Please keep praying for me to remain strong, remember my self worth, and not allow this wayturd man to hurt me any longer. And for my own personal recovery after this is all over.

Hooray for you! This is huge personal progress, no matter how it feels for you right now.

IMO, one of the best things you could do at this point is to take the control away from him of when he needs to leave. Get him out of the house asap, and it's his problem what to do at that point.

He needs to lose the idea that he can come and go as he pleases, and just leave whenever he wants, with you there to be relied on in the meantime.

You are the only one who can teach him that.

Yes.
Plan B letter and he leaves now.

Your Taker is steamed. It is going to go to town trying to take care of you and the injustice of it all and will only shoot YOU in the foot during the two weeks now.

Get him out. Say "This is just too painful for me you must leave now" and go dark to begin the process of withdrawal and detachment for the man.

Do not let him cakewalk. Do not let him enchant you for now.

Recoup. Recover. Refocus. Renew.

Do you have a family member who can come and stay with you and help you take care of the baby, help you change the locks next Saturday when your husband leaves for his blatant weekend with OW?

Then have them stand guard and keep your husband out so that you don't have to deal with the stress of his bullying you right now?

I have asked him to leave. I told him that I will give him to the end of the week and then I would really like him to be gone. He says he won't leave until his stuff is moved out, so if I can, I will pack it up, book a moving van, and have him gone by Monday, hopefully. It's tough with two kids, especially a 3.5 wk old, to have time to get it all packed up..... God, I hate this horrible person WH has become!!!!!!

If he does indeed go see her next weekend, which I am sure he will, I will go to the hardware store and buy those sliding lock things that are on hotel room doors, and install them myself. Even if he hasn't agreed to leave. I know he can call the police and get them to make me let him in but at least it's a gesture.

I just got back from church and was holding back tears the whole time. WH has refused to come with me for a long time and it makes me so sad seeing all the other happy families there.

Everytime I start to hurt so badly and want to cry I just remind myself that I could fix everything about myself that made him "so unhappy he had his affair" and he STILL would keep her in his life, still would want to contaminate our world and our family with her, and that keeps me going.

EDIT: Just noticed his wedding ring is gone from the bbq. Maybe the dog ate it. But if he found it, I will not give him the satisfaction of asking what he did with it.