Sounds more like they are announcing that the IT guy will be in the office if anyone is having problems. I doubt the guy wants to check everyone's laptop, unless they are having an issue. I thought at first this was directly to WH about his laptop only.

I realize that I'm probably already there. That may be what's making it possible for me to stay and work on my finances without falling apart all the time (I still fall apart at times but it's less frequent as time goes by). I no longer trust him and I love him less each day. More and more I find myself speaking in the past tense in terms of love in this marriage. Maybe this was what was necessary in order for me to take a more practical approach for my future. Whatever the case may be, I'm 100% confident that this is the right path for me. The concern I get from you and others is touching, especially since that is something so lacking my own home.

I'm going to try to uninstall it but might not get the chance. I have verified that the IT guy is coming out for routine maintenance for the office. WH does want him to retrieve a deleted file but had mentioned to his office manager that the IT guy wouldn't need his laptop in order to do that (although I know nothing about such things...does anyone know if that's true?).

This is what I was afraid of, I know you wanted to wait to confront him and I'm rooting you for that! I was afraid that your love bank will be so empty that you wouldn't care to give him a chance to save the marriage, and just go straight to plan D, because your LB is on negative. I was soo hoping you confronted him after you spoke to the lawyer, and I feel like there is always something else that comes up that you want to wait, and every time something does and you decide you want to wait on the confrontation I am always thinking "I hope she is not waiting till her LB is on empty."

I don't know, not sure if you would like this post or anyone a matter of fact, but I just thought I would put down what I was thinking.

My mind spins in circles with the way MBers defend your husband. His behavior and attitudes are clearly deeply rooted and span nearly 2 decades. HOW can that just be a blip (like an affair)? I often see advice given on here to BSs whose WSs have engaged in multiple affairs....seriel adulterers...and the advice is usually that the marriage most likely can't be saved. So how is it different with all these various betrayals you are hearing about via the VAR....incidents that happened while you were engaged even....newly in love and all that.

I will tell you what is different about your WH. He hasn't got caught up in an affair and stained an otherwise good moral life....I see that happen here ALL the time. He has led a DOUBLE life...one he lets Anne see and the other he saves for his soul mate DB.....The trouble is....DB knows more about him than Anne does....that would lead me to believe the half of his double life that he is with DB is more his authentic self.

And honestly...I doubt Anne's WH even knows who he really is. If she is prepared for him to figure that out.....and wait around to see if he can become a man worthy of her....than sure I'm all for it---her kids deserve an intact family if that is possible. However, in MY mind it would take a revolutionary character change for him to become worthy of her. If he folds and is humble upon confrontation...than I will be cautiously optimistic that he can and will change.

Of course Anne has to decide---I have shared this with her via email...that I worry about her mental health going on so long with the snooping. She has a plan though. And she has legal councel and an IC too....and family support. And us!

It can be done but even if her husband is remorseful and trying to do everything possible to become a worthy husband I have to say it is exhausting. I am doing that and I do not have children at home. It is a daily struggle to hang on but as long as he tries I stay. Just food for thought.

I'm sorry Anne505 but I think that your husband really isn't anything like you think he is....it doesn't sound like just this affair but a life long struggle to stay faithful and committed to you.....
He has found a friend that thinks just like him and they play with the wild side of life, they live a pretend life with you for a cover of being a responsible, upstanding kind of man, a family man all the while living a life in the dumpster with dumpster people......
I think you deserve more than this man could ever give you, you deserve to be happy and loved by a man that would cherish you and put your needs first......no one deserves what this man seems to want to do......
I can't wait myself for you to get all the evidence you need to put him in a place he won't be able to get out of and everyone will see him for the kind of man he really is instead of the man he has pretended to be.....
I believe in marriage but not in this case, sorry anne505..........I don't want you to have to live through what it would take to get over all this......you are stronger with each day and you are pregnant with a new child, that is a lot to be hopeful for don't let him take anything more from you.......
((((hugs))))))

And according to Anne DB has been his friend for 25 years.

SmilingWoman, since you included my quote in your post, I assume you are referring to me as one of those MBers defending Anne's H. I think you are missing the point of my post, and of the forum in general.

No one is defending Anne's H. I think all here can unequivocally agree that he is behaving despicably. I think what I, and most others, are trying to do is warn Anne of the various ins and outs as we see them. We speak from our own experiences, as do you, and I think it's important to hear different perspectives. Anne, if you disagree, just let me know - I will stop hounding you about the possibility of a complete 180 from your (W)H.

I think we can all agree on this:


I think that's what we all know it would take, and even then it may not be enough. Anne's LB$ may be done, her (W)H may not make that turn-around, who knows. But being here, on a marriage building site, guarantees nobody would be doing their best without advocating and speaking from their own experiences.

Certainly I speak from the biased perspective of having been the WS. I understand the 180 that's required. Perhaps Anne's H went wayward/crazy/never was a great person for the past few decades. It doesn't mean he doesn't have it in him to change and overcome his past.

Maybe 'defend' is the wrong word. Giving him the benefit of the doubt maybe?


My point is that I think that he is not only BEHAVING despicably....but rather he has BECOME despicable.


Mrs. Vanilla....I don't know your full story....let me ask you this...were you like Anne's WH? Did you live a double life with your BH for 20 years? I seriously want to know if people CAN overcome this.

I have no idea. And I'm sure my situation colors this, (where it seems a D is more likely than not), but I can't speak enough to the transformative nature of "getting it." I think if you poke around a lot of the FWS vets' posts here, you'll see many references to who they were in the midst of their A, and who they are now. The two are worlds apart.

As for Anne's H, I don't know if anyone can overcome it. The years and years of apparent deceit alone would be enough to do most anyone in. But if (HUGE IF) he does that 180, and if (HUGE IF) Anne's LB$ isn't closed for deposits in perpetuity, who knows? If (HUGE IF) those two things happen, I bet they will be recovery pros by the time this is all said and done!



PS - I'm also a perpetual optimist/seeker of hope...I think that colors my input, too.

I don't mind your post at all. In fact, I welcome it. I come here to get opinions from others to help me to make my decisions. Just because I might not take the advice of others does not mean I don't value it.

You make a good point about the empty love bank. I have no plans to go straight to plan D but just want to be prepared in case it becomes my only option. I'm very confident in the way I'm handling things. When I look back at the past few months, there isn't any point where I think, "Maybe I should have confronted him then". I know I'm doing the right thing for me and my kids. I don't feel my WH is looking out for my kids in the way he should be so I feel double the responsibility when it comes to their well-being and their future. If I wasn't pregnant, I have no doubt that I would have handled things much differently. But, given my circumstance, I think planning for worst case scenario is my best option. I know it's a risk but it's one I must take.

You're right, I'm not sure he is capable of the change required for us to have a future together. That is exactly why I'm preparing for the possiblity of a future without him.

I know it's not going to be easy but I am going to make it. I'm also prepared to make changes to my plan should it become necessary.

Thanks! You are right, I do deserve better and I know that. You're also right when you say I am getting stronger every day. Once this baby is born and I get back on my feet, I can really start the process of moving forward and getting to where I want to be.

Anne,

No disrespect intended, but why does it take so long to get your finances lined up? Do you work outside the home? You will at least get spousal support and child support for two children...seems like perhaps you are unnecessarily delaying the exposure. Do you really want your WH at the birth? You have the most to gain by doing it now and the most to lose by waiting, emotionally.

Read NP's struggles, she just had a son a couple of weeks ago, let the WH back in the house and at the birth. It has taken a huge toll on her emotionally.

All of this gathering of information is taking a toll on you, made it a life/work unto itself instead of a means to an end.

Please consider that nothing will be 100%, that is you cannot predict the future and getting everything tied up with a bow.

I can see you are emotionally detached from your WH. Is that recent or has it been like this for awhile?

All the best,

ba

Yes, you're right, it is important to hear from different perspecitves. That's why I come here. So please keep hounding me

I think you have more enough evidence to confront your husband, and my heart aches for NP's I definitely don't want that to happen to you anne.

You're right, I have enough evidence. It's not about that anymore, it's about my finances. I haven't read NP's story but I plan to. But WH will be at the birth regardless of what happens. He is the father and that is an important relationship that I plan to foster regardless of what happens between him and I.

anne;

make a marriage-builders weekend part of your requirements for continuing the marriage. maybe the Harley's can get through to him. and convey the type of marriage that is possible if he commits to following the program.

and obviously dirtbag must be gone.

those would be my rules if I were in your shoes.

Here is NP's thread

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2364983#Post2364983

Read the last 50 pages or so. Unless you want to read the whole thing