I have a real clever, cute way of presenting it to your husband:


"dear, I won't be going to the wedding because the OM is there."

simple! We don't need a bunch of long winded tomes to make a simple, easy statement.

OMG! Guess what just happened? I just received news that I have to fly out of town for an emergency for work on the evening before the wedding. I won't be back in time to attend the wedding.

Guess you dodged that bullet. Now you can wait to tell your DH the truth about why you can't go the NEXT TIME an event comes up. Being 100% honest is ALWAYS the best policy. Oh, but you don't have to worry about that now.

Meggy, I already told DH before why I didn�t want to go. I was already honest. DH said that we�re going (regardless of my honesty).

Isn�t the important thing here that I�m not going�rather than me telling DH the same hurtful stuff over and over again?!

Hello fullmoon,

The OM in my wife's affair was my own brother...

After trying MC after MC we finally found success by following the MB concepts...

We are only one of the MANY success stories here that have followed the MB concept of no contact...

There are MANY failures here that thought a LITTLE contact would be alright and regretted it later...

The ONE attempt at contact was my cousin's H funeral...

and it was a DISASTER!!!

My ex-brother used it to try to make contact...

It triggered me by JUST BEING AROUND HIM...

It triggered Mrs.Flint because of her guilt...

My ex-brother couldn't take the rejection by Mrs.Flint and increased his efforts...

THE WHOLE EVENT TURNED INTO WATCHING EACH OTHER REACTIONS WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THE FAMILY OF MY COUSIN.

And so it will be with EVERY EVENT you try to attend with your H's ex-friend.

Because even though your H doesn't know it yet -friends don't hit on their friends wives...

Your H WILL be watching you around his former friend even though his pride denies it to you...

And YOU will spend the entire time trying to look anyhere but at his former friend and it will be obvious to your H AND to everyone else including the "friend"...

YOU know the truth even though your H can't see it yet.

Consider this analogy...

You are driving your car and your H is beside you and tells you it is clear to cross the train tracks but you have a better view at this time (MB) and can clearly see the train coming...

If you love your H YOU have to protect your M until he can see as well as you can.

God bless.

Jim

fullmoon-

Did you ever have to read "Othello" in high school or college?

When tuff said this: the thought that came to my mind was that of Iago-Othello's "best friend". (Sorry, I'm an English teacher...Shakespeare analogies are part of the profession ).

Iago is considered one of the worst villains in all of English literature for good reason.

I think if you shared with your DH the OM's behavior towards you, he might think very differently about the whole situation. Just because you got a reprieve for this situation, it doesn't mean you won't have to face this again.

Let your DH know the truth about the OM's behavior towards you. He deserves to know that he has an "Iago" in his life.

T/J

I love English teachers. How perfect!

I just read 15+ pages of this thread, it does not seem like you have made little MB progress.

No, these men do not have control over you... you hand it to them.

Reality check. This is not a fantasy/romance novel of clandestine love, this is your real life and M. Do what any wife worth 0.05 would do and shut.the.OM.out.

First you must shut the OM to your thoughts. Then tell your H how and why you feel this way, it should not have taken 15 pages for you to get a plan. If you can not do this, call the phone coaching center, they will help you come up with a solid plan.

It almost seems you love the drama, because I see little improvement in your action plan. But, that is just my opinion.

After 30 pages, a "lucky out of town trip" solved the issue?
you are going to have to garner more control than this if you want a long term M. That was NO problem resolution, that was problem avoidance.

I don't know if I am the only other poster who is reading this into your thread, and I will be the "meanie" if I have to, but you have great posters coaching you, do not waste their time.

Sounds about right to me�when my brain is firing properly. I couldn�t ALLOW myself to accept that before when I was under the influence of��infatuation�. That one post about how the brain functions, all those things, I don�t know why that matters so much�but it just makes it so clear.


High school?!?! I can�t even remember grad school and that was at least within the new millennium.



I might need to check it out, again.


I know I kinda lucked out with this job thing. I was so relieved when I was asked to make the trip: I don�t have to deal with explaining myself to DH, then fighting over my explanation�and I don�t have to deal with my mind going back and forth about NC, seeing OM, behaving myself if I have to see OM. Thank God. I have hardly ever been so agreeable to doing extra work. *lol*


I know that now that I �dodged the bullet�, it seems like I have time to relax. And breathe. But I need to stay on task. I have to get DH to hear/LISTEN to what has occurred, get DH to see OM for who he is, and allow DH to grow emotionally (so he won�t leave me in 10 years when he is due a MLC and just decides he doesn�t love me anymore). Oh brother�

I have to go to the gym.

last year I had a problem with wasps. They were everywhere in our yard being attracted to our rose bushes and tall weeds. The kids couldn't go outside, and I couldn't do yard work. I put a few traps around, but I didn't go through extreme measures to get rid of the source of the problem, the thing that was attracting the wasps.

After a couple of stings, which were uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I figured that it was better to go through extreme precautions to protect me and my family. I dug up 5 large rose bushes, set out dozens of traps, armed myself with wasp spray, and covered up all those weedy areas with bark.

Now we can go out into our yard whenever we want. If a wasp nest pops up it is easier to take care of because there are less wasps in general, and they are easier to spot.

Treat that OM like a wasp. Get rid of whatever it is that is attracting him to you and you to him. Especially contact! Go through extrodinary feats to make sure he is not around you, and be prepared for those times when he tries to lure you in. Freak! If your crazy enough try to think of him as a wasp flying around in your skull that you need to snuff out! Get control of your yard or you will lose it.

Horray for lame wasp analogy!!!

^Great analogy babe!!

's WHEELS!!

Fullmoon,
Sorry for the T/J but...

Is your H loyal to a fault and sometimes doesn't show a good sence of self preservation?

I'm curious where our simalarities end...because reading your thread is like a Twilight Zone episode!

Oh yea, Johnstwin 100% hit the nail n the head with her reference to "lago"

What is T/J? Anyway�

I don�t know about DH�s �loyalty�. I can�t think of anything bad about him�so I guess he is loyal.

I know if he would have told me the things I have told him, it would have turned out completely different. I would have told him to go be with ****. It would have taken us months of slow drawn-out recovery if we could recover. Da*n, the MB�I�d be furious. I think I�d be more upset about him being �in love� than any casual fling he might have (this I take from previous experience with such issues).

That�s why I am afraid to KEEP pushing him.

Twilight Zone, slasher movie(s), oncoming trains, snakes, and bees! Good grief! Okay, I was taking DH�s doubt and questioning whether I was overreacting to the situation with OM�but you all are�making it even worse than I thought.

T/J Thread Jack. A move away from the topic for hopefully a brief exchange :-)

Thank you kindly, DWG! I am going to go use that on someone's thread right now. T/J...

Fullmoon - I'd say your OM is a real piece of work. If what he was on the inside showed on the outside he'd be a pretty ugly human being.

The best way to break your addiction to him is to start SEEING the stuff you minimize and explain away. He's said these things to his best friend's wife, IN FRONT of his best friend. He knows his best friend takes certain things for granted and is enjoying the challenge of you with an audience.

I think that you need to start having a "couples time" plan in your back pocket every time OM inserts himself into your marriage with a concert invite or something else.

"Oh Hon! I'm sorry we can't go. I've been planning a surprise and I can't let my plans cancel. Send our regrets, will you?"

And I think sending the message to him that you think he's scum and you want nothing to do with him - he's not welcome in your home ever again would be a really healthy thing to do.

Fullmoon,

FYI. It is not the number of posts that make one a vet on this forum. It is the understanding and application of the MB principles. Posting 900 times with the same kind of content that you have on other people's threads will not get you there. It is clear that you either do not know or do not agree with MB concepts.

AM

Thank you, Kayla, for your suggestion.

Monday, Barbie concluded that I am �wasting people�s time�
(again)�most likely to annoy me (a very common tactic utilized around here)�so I thought I�d take some time to just THINK about all of these posts.

I�ve heard the things about Lago, bees, snake, Twilight Zone, slasher movie�I have no room for rationalization. The fact that DH allowed this to go on, helped �green light� my freedom to enjoy it. I didn�t expect it to become too much for me to handle. I didn�t expect that a little �harmless� flirtation and conversation could lead me to wanting more. I know better now. And he�s cut off from me.

Last night, DH and I got into a brief conversation about �flirting� and �cheating�, etc. (to his dismay). He is SO UPSET about me being on this website and people �putting these ideas in [my] head�. In any case, he did say that he does not want me flirting with anyone, claims he doesn�t flirt (of course, he doesn�t define certain flirtatious actions as �flirting�), and STILL the only thing he asks of me is not to SF with anyone else. So the �flirtatious� things that OM was doing, that DH was allowing, DH doesn�t even define those things as flirting. That�s one of the problems. It is perfectly acceptable behavior on both OM and my part. To him. DH asked, �So can I go to the store and leave you alone with OM now?� FYI: he ended up walking out of the room on me at the end of the convo...as he repeatedly said he does not want to hear this.

Anyway, I know how the behavior made me FEEL, though, so it is unacceptable to me.

I will use your advice (and others) to sway DH from his Lago. A direct approach will not cut it. I�m fine with this. I can handle this now.

One useful thing Barbie managed to get out is that �No!� these men do not have control over me just what I hand them. This makes sense. I have CHOSEN to give them power over me because I love them. And I CHOOSE to take that away from OM. I feel MUCH stronger here than 06/29.

I appreciate your words of encouragement.

fm, what's going on? You're posting words of contrition here on your own thread, yet you're getting edited by the mods on other threads for violation of the terms of service, name-calling, and general disrespect.

What gives?

Please remember that no one here knows you from Tom, Bob*, Harry, or Jane. No one knows you IRL, no one has any ulterior motives from you IRL. The only thing the people posting to you want is the chance for you to have a healthy M. People don't get off on yelling at WS's, people don't just sit at the computer all day waiting for their moment to pounce. These are individuals whose own recoverys come first, who have busy and full lives outside of the MB discussion boards, and they are taking their time, their energy, their mental and emotional resources to post to you.

In the hopes that you will get it.

In JL's words: please think about this.