Thanks Ima. The time seems to be passing by so slowly. We are definitely working on a relocation plan. I'm hoping to have everything in place before November. It may be complicated if we decide to move out of state (which we would like to do) because my son will be on probation, but not impossible.

Whats your Hubby's profession, or is he like me Jack of all trades and mainly does what he could for survival?

If he has a profession he likes maybe its an oportunity for him to search for someplace that offers it.

Make sure its a positive move for you all, sounds like you deserve it.

My H is in customer service. He currently works in the call center of a company that manufactures orthodontic products. Unfortunately, call center work doesn't pay well, and a lot of it seems to be relocating to places like India, where I don't think I would want to live.

I'm looking at some teacher certification programs in Texas right now. There seem to be some where I might be able to do the classes online and then move to Texas once it's time for my field experience/student teaching. Of course, if I started one of these programs while still in CA, it would limit my H's job search to Texas. Unfortunately, there aren't really any schools that offer teaching credentials that are not state specific. So, my options are kind of limited as far as teaching goes, which is where I have the most experience. I worked as a special education paraeducator for 5 years and a substitute teacher for 2. Other than that, I have 5 years retail experience in a bookstore, a few months working as a student nurse when I was in nursing school, and some burger-flipping experience courtesy of McDonald's. Oh, and I have 2 fairly useless degrees in English and Creative Writing, which help if I want to teach, but aren't good for much else.

Your son's probation can be transferred to wherever you move. It's done all the time. It's just a matter of putting in a request with the probation department who would then contact their counterpart in whatever state you choose.

Yeah, that's what we were told. No one seems to know how long the process may take, but I guess we'll deal with that when the time comes. I don't like the thought of my H having to live in another state for work while my son and I are stuck here trying to get permission for him to move. I'm hoping it's not a long drawn-out process. So many things related to our judicial system seem to have this problem.

It's not a long drawn out process. It takes about 2 weeks to get done. It has to be done in writing though, not something that can be done over the phone.

ETA: I'm basing this on my BIL's experience when he moved to Texas from Montana.

Have you looked at getting a job at a library, as an underwriter, a proof reader, an editor, etc?

And the fact that you have a college degree, have you just looked in the paper to see what jobs are open that they want you to have a degree but the job isn't tied to a certain degree?

I know that here DHS is always hiring. If you have a degree, with some slight classwork provided by them, you can be a field worker. Not great pay...close to 30K a year. But not bad.

Sometimes what college you graduate from matters also. I graduated from a very specific university that specializes in teacher prep. The other states spend a lot of time and money from Texas and surrounding states and some even further out to try and grab the graduating education majors from the university I graduated from as soon as they walk across the diploma floor. I went to a job fair for fun (I already had a job promised)and there were 17 states attending trying to grab these graduating education majors.

I would've relocated to Texas in a heartbeat if my wife had been enthusiastic about moving. Or Florida...I'd have very much gone to Florida.

KT: I would love to work in a library, but with the horrible budget cuts in CA, libraries have taken a big hit and generally aren't hiring. I would also love to be a proof reader or editor, but it's a pretty competitive field. It usually requires several years of experience, which are most often gleaned from unpaid internships, which obviously wouldn't do me much good at the moment.

I am keeping my options open. I'm pretty much looking at everything. I think the biggest obstacle is where we live. It's pretty far away from most of the job centers in So-Cal: L.A., Orange County, San Diego. I don't have a car that will drive 50-90 miles a day each way to get to work, and I can't imagine both of us doing a commute that requires being away from the home 12+ hours a day. My H does that already.

A friend sent me a link today about adjunct positions. Some of them are online, which would allow me to work from home. That would be great, because I wouldn't need daycare. The pay isn't great and the jobs don't offer benefits, but it would be a little extra money.

What's DHS?

Hi writer1-

What about technical writing? You know, making sense of technical stuff so the rest of the world can read it? There's often freelance positions in that field.

Adjunct teaching can be great as a way to supplement income. I've done it at the local community college. It's usually nights, on a part-time contract, but the schools like that, because they don't have to pay the adjunct faculty benefits.

Also, you might check local private colleges as well.

Johnstwin: I have looked into technical writing. It would require me to go back to school and get another degree. There are specific ones geared just toward that. I'm kind of a technical moron, so I don't know if I could pull it off. I'm great with science, really bad with computers and other forms of technology.

There really aren't many colleges near me. There is one community college that's fairly close, but other than that, I would have to drive 45 minutes to an hour. That's why I like the thought of doing online teaching. But, I'm hoping to be out of this geographical area soon. It's looking like we'll be out of our house eventually, since we didn't make our mortgage payment last month, and we have a grand total of $87 to our name until Thursday, when my H gets paid.

Okay, I was wrong. Apparently, we haven't made a house payment since April. So, now we're over $5000 behind in our payments (including our property taxes, which we also didn't pay last year). My H apparently did not make the June payment, like he told me he did. We can't even set aside any $$$ right now, because we're still paying off the attorney.

I've been looking for apartments, but the cheapest 3 bedrooms I can find anywhere near my H's work are $1300 a month and up. That's $300 a month more than our house payment, so if we can't afford the mortgage, I'm pretty sure we can't afford an extra $300 a month either. I don't know how long it will be before we are evicted, but I'm guessing about 3 more months, since 6 months after you stop making payments tends to be the average around here. That means that when my son is released from juvenile hall, he isn't going to have a home to come back to.

I really don't know what to do here. Our debts are astronomical. There's just no way we're going to be able to dig ourselves out of this hole, even if I do find a job. I'm now looking at the prospect of having to raise the baby in a homeless shelter or sleeping on my mother's extremely dirty couch, while my H crashes at his parents' place or lives in his car and the boys go .... ??? I know a lot of people have come down on me for even considering asking the OM for money, but I'm kind of running out of options here. I don't know what to do. If a miracle doesn't happen soon, my family is going to completely fall apart. We aren't even going to be living together anymore. If it's a choice between going to the OM or losing my baby, I'm going to choose going to the OM. I don't even think I would have a choice in that case. A baby needs stability, a roof over her head, food to eat.

I am completely depressed over just about every aspect of my life right now. It's hard to keep trying when everything looks so hopeless.

Why are you worried about paying that dumb lawyer before paying for your house? He got his 5G didn't he?

I think you should get a lawyer and pressure the OM to pay child support, but be careful about crying poverty to much, he might see it, (or his wife), as an opportunity to take the baby or have visits. Do you want that? Ask a lawyer.


How about those other Kids? Are they gettin off thier duff and chipping in?

I have been reading your thread since your son's problems first arose, but have not posted. I am really sorry for what you have been going through.

I agree - your priority should be your essential expenses. Every lawyer should be so lucky to have a client so devoted to paying his bill!

If you can't afford your current house, you shouldn't be living there. If you can't afford a three-bedroom apt you need to think about smaller apartments, basements etc. You can't expect to maintain your current standard of living (even if it is already strained) if you are essentially bankrupt.

If your children are adults they need to be supporting themselves and, ideally, contributing what they can to your situation. That will include your middle son when he gets out of detention.

CP: We haven't paid off the entire $5000 yet. I think we still have about $1300 left to go.

My 21 year old has a job. He isn't pitching in yet. I keep telling my H that we need to start charging him rent, but I don't feel like I'm getting much support on that. My son doesn't earn much (he works at Starbucks) and he has a lot of his own debt, but certainly he could contribute something. My 16 year old starts school in a week, and he is very behind academically. I think it's going to take all of his energy to catch up on his credits. Plus, it's really hard for a kid to find a job around school hours here. There are way more teens applying for them than there are places that are hiring.

I was also going to add: getting a smaller apartment could be the needed spur to get your 21-year-old (who sounds like a real moocher - sorry) out on his own.

writer,

I'm in the UK so I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but:

Would you consider moving well away from CA? I understand that there are states where the property prices and taxes are in a league far below those of CA. I have heard first-hand of people buying houses for tens of thousands (instead of hundreds) on ebay.

I know that your H must be able to work, too, but could you do this, rather than become homeless?

I would love to. We've been looking for work in other states for ages. I applied to 5 jobs in other states today alone. But it's tough looking for work far away. We don't seem to be having much of a response. I think it's kind of hard, because we can't easily go in for interviews. It seems that a lot of places look at the address on our resume, realize we're 2000 miles away, and don't even consider us for the position.

I want out of CA so bad I can taste it. We've contacted everyone we know in other states and have sent them our resumes. It is just really hard to find a job right now.

Theres 1,300 for ya to pay for whatever...not lawyer, not now.
Why is my kids helped pay for things while they were growing up? I don't know but as far as food goes, if they wanted to eat, they helped.

Same thing with rent and electricity, they know it costs money, and are thankful for those things.

I'm trying to help you writer, I think there are some kids without the right prioritys living at your house. If they are not part of the solution, they are part of the problem. Its as simple as that.

Do they like the roof and electricity and food? Thats everyones priority.

The lawyer can go suck eggs. You can pay him last. What are you worried about, bad credit?

Nope, I'm worried about the lawyer suing me. I'm pretty sure he'd be good at it.

And I agree about my kids. I just don't know what to do about it. When I talk to my H about it, he agrees that my oldest son should pay rent, but he never wants to actually sit down with me an broach the subject. And my son tries to make himself scarce so we can't corner him and talk about anything.

Okay, time for a little catharsis.

I'm starting to feel as though I'm at the end of my rope and I'm beginning to doubt that my marriage will survive all of this. When I found out that my H hadn't paid our house payment since April, I admit I was angry. Lying is a huge LB for me, and he has a history of it about 50 miles long. It seems to be hereditary, because his mother lies to his father all the time (usually about $$$ too). My H knows that O&H is my #1 EN. He says that he told me he wasn't paying the house payment, but I distinctly remember having several conversations with him about how we were going to be able to make the payments through June because his mother was giving us some money to cover the first payment to the attorney. I KNOW we had this conversation. But now, my H insists that he told me all along that he wasn't making the payments anymore. I told him quite certainly that I didn't know this, and he repeatedly insisted over and over again that I did. When I asked him what happened then to the money that his mother gave us in June, his answer was "we probably spent it on other stuff." I don't know what this other stuff might have been. I never go anywhere or spend any money unless my H is with me, and other than groceries and the other usual necessities, we haven't been doing any extraneous spending.

Throughout our entire marriage, we've had these issues where we suddenly have no money and cannot account for where it has gone. My H pays all the bills online and knows all the information for the accounts. I don't know any of it. He constantly gets mad at me for not participating in budgeting and finances more, but I don't know how I could possibly participate when I have none of the necessary information. If something happened to him tomorrow, I would have absolutely no idea how to find anything.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I may never be able to fully trust my H, because he just can't be completely honest with me. I know I hold myself back from him because I'm always stealing myself for the next bombshell. I don't feel close to him at all. We hardly ever have SF anymore. We don't really have much physical affection at all. Most of our conversations revolve around issues with our kids or our money problems. I don't feel like we're making any progress at all toward meeting each other's EN's.

I'm really beginning to fear that my marriage isn't going to survive this. I want to feel the way I used to feel towards my H, but I just can't seem to open up and do it. Is it possible for a couple to go through too much, to reach a point where recovery just can't happen? I look at all of the things we've been through, and I don't see how we could possibly come out on the other side with a normal, happy, loving relationship. I don't even know where to start with fixing all of this.