What he usually tells them is to go into Plan B for 2 years and THEN divorce. These guys are already past that point, they are divorced. So if she is not serious, as I suspect, he might just tell Ed to get rid of her.

Now, there have been cases where Dr Harley has told people to just go file for divorce NOW.

Just an update...my ex was out of the state with the kids for five days. She called or texted almost everyday, sent pics of the kids, said she missed me, etc etc. Yesterday, they came back and she came over for dinner at my place. She was pleasent...Even helped tuck the kids into bed.

She asked me if I had missed her. I told her that i hated the person she has been for the past year. She says she has a sweet side to her...I told her that she has an evil side too which scares me.

Just from hanging out with her, the problem I have is that it is the same life that she was soooo miserable with. So dreadful that she slept with some stranger, then proceeded to move out of the house and pursue a relationship with this goof ball. She claims that she "has a new perspective on things" and realizes that her life was not so bad after all. Not sure what to make of that statement... Is it possible for someone to be so confused and lost in life that they would do such a thing?

She is also talking about a future....mentioning spending Christmas together as a family, referring to my house as "ours", vacations, etc.

Not sure what to make of all this...I am keeping my walls up big time. Thoughts???

I am still planning on a phone session with Dr. Harley. I need to mention this to her at some point. I would be interested to hear his take.

Your feelings are all natural and you have a healthy dose of skepticism. Keep your guard up and make her do the work to earn you back. She messed up, not you.

How does your family feel about all of this?

My family is worried about it... They do not want to see me hurt again and they think she is not sincere.

Why don't you come up with a list (kinda like a plan B letter) of all the things it would take on her part for you to allow her back into your life? If she doesn't agree to that list or she does but doesn't follow through, then you go to a dark plan B. When she finally agrees to that list (which should include coaching with the Harley's or a MB weekend), then you can take her back. Until then, you should be in a dark plan B.

Keep in mind this list should include a HEALTHY DOSE of SF. If she's not willing to meet that need, then the he11 with her, you'll find someone that will meet it.

They are RIGHT. She is not sincere. She is a very slick talker, Ed.

Before you make any decisions, why not call Steve Harley and get his take. Talk to him before you mention it.

If she were repentant she would be bustin' down doors to repair the damage she's caused. She wouldn't be giving lip service to a 'new perspective' her BEHAVIOR would be different.

Here she's just wishful thinking - wanting to cake eat and seduce you into a fantasy divorce scenario where she gets the husband and kids, but doesn't have to accept any responsibility for what she has done.


You gave her an opportunity to accept blame for her despicable actions and demonstrate remorse. Instead she took it as an opportunity to minimize her evils and talk herself up.

So what if she has a sweet side? Didn't stop her destroying a family.

Seriously, quit the back and forth with her. Tell her that you will consider recovery IF and ONLY IF she commits 100% to MB and if SHE makes the first call.

Make your list of requirements, give them to her - and then do not revisit the subject. If she brings it up, ask her if she has begun working on your list. If she responds negatively, let her know you will only consider her once she's addressed the list.

Ignore her words. Her words are trash. She told you she loved you then fooled around on you. She told OM she loved him and is now toying with you.

Her words are crap.

This was probably a big mistake but I slept with my ex tonight. We went to dinner at her parents tonight and had a nice time. She came over after the kids were asleep and one thing lead to another...

She knows SF is one of my top ENs...so I am somewhat torn. Is she sincerely trying to meet my ENs or is she just using that as a way back in to my life.... Ughhhhh!!!!

I am still far from certain that I want to be in a relationship with her. I'm heading out of state in a couple days to visit my family so it will be good to step back and get away for a while.

Hope she's been tested or some protection was used.

I would give her the Harleys phone number and tell her you don't want to talk with her or see her again until she's worked with them for a while. You need to see action and I'm not talking about the kind you saw last night. Otherwise you have to consider that you're going in for another round of abuse.

My ex has supposedly ended it with her BF and says she wants to work on things. She lives in the neighborhood, so she has been coming by to spend time with me and the kids. Both in the morning to help get them ready for school and in the evenings for dinner. She has been much better around the kids.

I guess one thing I'm having a problem with is her attitude towards sex. Last night, after the kids were asleep I tried to initiate and she said she was not ready for that. She says she needs to want to have sex in order to do it and that "something" has to be there.

My thought is that if we are going to try to work this out we both need to be committed to meeting each others needs. She says she does not want to feel like it is a chore. I'm concerned that she is once again searching for some elusive spaek that exists in romance novels and movies, but not in real life.

She says she is still upset over breaking up with someone she was crazy about...At that point I hung up the phone. I sent her a text saying "Sorry to hang up on you, but it makes me sick to hear you talk about that POS"

Should I stick with this and keep trying to meet her needs in the hopes that we will build the connection that she says she needs? I am pretty frustrated with her attitude though...

If I tell her to leave me alone, she will reply that we will never have a connection unless we spend time together and that unless we have a connection she does not want sex.

Hey, wasn't she living with you a while back? What happened there?

I think she is just using you to regain custody of the kids. She is trying to build her case.

Couldn�t have said it better myself.

There is an evil trick many exes play. They use sex as a weapon, even going so far as to make false claims of abuse in order to get a leg up on custody.

This also strikes me as being disingenuous. If she supposedly realized her mistake, then she would be going through an insatiable �makeup SF� phase.

She�s playing you and doing it to be near the kids and keep you from moving on.

Remember, she enjoys this drama.

Ed, if I were you, I would start dating again. She wanted you to dump your GF so bad the last time she moved in for a while. And then what? She moved out and got her own place once her job was done.

Why are you letting her string you along? Why are you letting her start to walk all over your boundaries?

If she is interested in recovery she will take ACTION to undo the damage of her adultery. If you're serious about this you need to set a very high BAR for her to reach.

You need to be clear.

What you need is NOT sex to reconnect and recover.

What you need is counseling with the Harleys.

Seriously - you need to give her the number and tell her to call then maintain NC with her until she does.

You are LETTING this woman mess with your head and your children.

STOP IT!

Why are you even trying with your ex? That is MY question?? If she doesn't like her life then that is HER CHOICE!! You need to move on and date someone healthy not someone who is messed up in the head!!

Let her know that she can see the kids, but you will not be around when she has her visitation rights.

and buddy...

MOVE ON!!!!

In reading through some of the Q&A on this website, it sounds like she is in withdrawal right now. I would like for this to work to keep our family together and I feel like deep down there is a good person there. If she can just keep her head on straight and work on us.

My ideal situation would be to work things out with her. But of course, I don't want to be in a relationship where my needs are being neglected. I guess i just want to give this a fair shot for my kids sake. I know we tried before, but I don't think we ever gave it a real shot. There was still so much anger from the affair, she never fully cut OM out of her life, etc., etc.

I want to try to be positive with her to give it a fair chance, but I need to be firm with what is expected. From what Dr. Harley says, it can take several weeks or more to get over withdrawal... Maybe I should give it at least that much time?

Give her the Harley's phone number. If she takes action - meaning make the call and start working on a plan, you have an answer that you can hold on a little while longer. If not, you know this isn't real and to get away as quick as you can.