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#2413917 08/05/10 12:12 PM
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my husband is leaving. we have not told the kids yet but will some time in the next few days. please help me cope today. how do i take a shower, answer a child's question, survive my pain, my guilt for another minute, prepare a meal, play with my kids. how do i do my job, meet my deadlines this week and next? how do i cope TODAY?

please help me through today. where does a woman find the strength to do this for another minute?

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Welcome. Sorry you're here.

Walk, talk, breathe, pray and eat. This is the advice I got when my husband died. It's the advice I took when my first marriage really started to disintegrate beyond my power to save it.

Much of the next few weeks or months you'll just go through the motions. That's okay. Do the best you can. Make sure you do not lose your job. Make sure the kids get fed and lots of time with BOTH parents. Make dumb stuff like showers and make up part of the routine. Don't slip or you may find you never take a shower.

Sooner or later by putting one foot in front of the other, you will adjust to the new normal. That doesn't mean the pain will go away, especially if you have regrets. But it gets easier to handle daily life.



I recommend that you tell the kids sooner rather than later if they are older than 5. The children will know bad stuff is going on and if you don't give them facts, there's no telling what nightmares they'll dream up.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Thank you, Greengables. I am better at this moment, not sure why - denial? Who knows? Not letting myself think about it? I can't think about what pain my kids will feel right now - that would be too much for me. I am taking a break.

Yesterday, the breathing helped, and the praying too. I know you are right, that I MUST do the shower, the morning routine. I was able to do it. It helped to tell myself, I only have to be strong long enough to cut this apple, or to say good morning. The eating not so much right now.

When the intense pain comes back, the hardest part might be getting my work done. It's a new job and one I'm not quite comfortable in yet. And I have to actually use my brain some or most of the time for it!

The complication with telling the kids this minute is that my husband just recently started his own business and is not earning income yet. It will be a while. So he has to find a regular paying job in the meanwhile. We would have to dip into our already depleted retirement accounts to fund an apt. for him and the money would go fast. Yesterday afternoon and this morning I am coping with him in the house and to be honest he has even been a source of comfort, as crazy as that might be - I don't care - I will take comfort in whatever way works.

I am so sorry to see your tag line, to have lost your husband immediately - I can't imagine such a cruel blow.

I am scared for me, but I know I'll survive. It's my kids - and mostly my 11-year-old son, who thrives on family and is at an age when changes are going to be happening all over the place - he is the one I worry most about. Of course my other son as well.

My husband is a good man, thank heaven, and will be close by and very involved with the kids. I hope that I can keep the bitterness away and do as the divorce advice columns say which is to get along well with the other parent, no fighting, no pointing fingers, no putting kids in the middle, no jealousy. I feel fine with that now but I have to imagine the bitterness will come.

Thank you again for responding.

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If you're like me, you'll have good days and bad days. One day I'll be relieved and ready to move on. The next, I'll be despairing in depression.

Hang in there, and know that before long, the number of good days will be greater than the number of bad ones. smile


"When people show you who they are, believe them." -- Maya Angelou
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Thank you, Antichick.

Can anyone give advice on how much notice to give the kids? I read that it's best to give at least a few days up to a week for them to get accustomed to the idea and have full access to both parents for questions and talks before one parent moves out.

Anyone with personal experience?

Thank you.

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I don't know about a whole week, but they definitely need some time to digest the news and access to the parents.

The first reaction will be one of avoidance and they won't have a lot to say at first. Their thoughts and feelings will trickle out over the course of time.

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Originally Posted by EyeOnThePrize
Thank you, Antichick.

Can anyone give advice on how much notice to give the kids? I read that it's best to give at least a few days up to a week for them to get accustomed to the idea and have full access to both parents for questions and talks before one parent moves out.

Anyone with personal experience?

Thank you.

Eye, not sure what you read, and I'm not sure if it's too late, but I have a book called "Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce" and of course there's a whole chapter on informing the kids of the separation.
Among the advice you site above, there are a few other points that jump out at me.
*Do it together if possible. So they understand it was mutual. --I didn't do this because I knew my stbxww would spin the part about her A and I didn't need that argument in the middle of everything else.
*Watch your timing - not on the way to school, or in the car, or right before a birthday party this weekend or something. It might be old news to you but they probably never saw it coming.
*Take responsibility "we've made mistakes and have tried to solve them, but now we make each other sad by living together so we've decided to separate"
*Reinforce you both love them very much and although there will be some changes, that never will
**They get anxious about who's going to take care of them, so lots of reassurance about the changes: they'll see both parents a lot, where is everyone going to live, when you will see them, and don't forget about extended family (they'll still see cousins and aunts etc).
*Don't promise anything you're not sure about, this is no time for breaking a kids expectations.
*Make sure they know none of this was their fault.

As stated, kids will need time to absorb this devastating news and may not react right away with any questions. But they will have questions, so make yourself hyper-available over the next weeks.

I don't have much to add as for personal experience. STBXW and I lived together for 2 months before she found a condo. The kids were part of that process so that helped. Once the decision was made to separate/D, the in-your-face wayward behavior died down so we were able to co-exist, although she slept in the office.
I reinforce at least weekly that this wasn't the kids faults, that we both love them very much, that I want them to love their mother (and treat her with respect), that if they have any questions or their feelings change they can talk to me.

I hope this helps EOTP.

Opt



Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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Hi Eye

I've just found your post - and I'm in exactly the same position.

I'm not sure about your circumstances of your WH leaving, but I found out via VAR that mine was having an affair with his co-worker.

This was 29th July 2010.

To add insult to injury I had to give up work at the beginning of this year as I have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.

My sons are nearly 18 & 21, and even at they age they have been horribly affected.

I can give you ideas of how I'm coping, if it'll help

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Thanks to both of you for posting. We did tell the kids last night, followed the recommended guidelines, which I am thankful for, and it went as well as it could. I was so happy to hear them playing as they normally would when they woke up this morning. My husband will be moving some time next week and I will see how we all feel then.

Thanks for the reminder to keep giving the kids the important messages, not just a one time talk and done.

I picked one son up from camp yesterday and noticed that the majority of the moms picking up did not have wedding rings on. Maybe some choose not to wear one, but I imagine most were divorced. It helped to know there is a great number of relaxed, smiling, healthy, seemingly (at least) happy women out there who have been through divorce, whatever their personal circumstances.

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On a purely material level, if divorce seems to be the direction you are headed, then it is to your advantage to file papers earlier rather than later. Once papers are filed, an injunction is made against either party "dispersing marital assets". If a separation means gutting the retirement account to pay for hubby's apartment and his new found urge for independence, this would at least prevent him from taking more than his share. And if his income exceeds yours by quite a bit, then your share might be adjusted higher to equalize your financial standing.

Wayward spouses often have a fantasy like mental image of what life will be like when they are on their own; the reality is usually a real eyeopener. If he is the one leaving the marriage, then he needs to be held accountable to do so without financial harm to you and your kids.

I have just been through this, with WH secretly retiring, and cashing out his retirement savings to pay off his private bills, and taking the rest with him when he left the country to be with OW.

I am really sorry that you are having to go through this. I know you are having to face so many worries. Just know that you are in good company, because most of us have been in your shoes, and in time it is possible to get your life back in order, whether that means with your husband, or without.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
DD 27 and 30, DS 19 (disabled)
after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
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Thanks, Ellen. I want to clarify though that my husband is not wayward, at least not as far as I know. I appreciate your advice in any case, though, as this is not fun no matter the circumstances.


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