waiting, that is no excuse to have an affair. Sure, you contributed to the sad state of your marriage, but he is 100% responsible for the affair. His affair is as abusive as physical assault or rape.

Your H had an affair for one reason: he has shabby boundaries with members of the opposite sex. And he will have more if he doesn't change that.

I understand, waiting. Please read as much as you can and sleep on it.

You know, here is the crazy thing.

I totally get that anyone is vulnerable to an affair and can have one.

I feel that way right now. I want someone to comfort me and hold me and tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm worth having. I want that desperately. But, I wouldn't do that. AND HE HAS NO IDEA I'M SO BANKRUPT RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH HE SHOULD KNOW. But I totally get the feeling. It has nothing to do with how much I really do love him. My bank is super empty right now. I'm walking through a desert.

Oh boy, waiting, I hear myself in you, I have told my WH that a number of times since D Day, because that is exactly how I feel, but at the same time I tell myself I did not deserve this, see you have two issues, one, as you admit, was problems in your marriage, the other, is that your H went and had an affair, they are 2 separate issues, the problems in your marriage? you both probably contributed to that, but the affair? he owns that all on his own, he cannot tell you that to solve his marital problems he had an affair cause there is no way an affair will solve marital problems, I. at least recognize this-please make sure that you separate the 2 in your mind, you cannot take responsibility for his affair.

Okay, enough.

I know I didn't make him have the affair. I'm trying to take responsibility for my part in this . I want you to know that I had a part in this.

Yes everyone is vulnerable to have an affair, but some people ACT on those feelings, and guess what? Your husband is one of them.

So what are you going to do about it?

Sigh...never mind, maybe someone else can help you STOP THINKING that you had a part in his affair. I give up.

i GET that I did not make him have the affair. Previous poster is right. This is his baby.

I also get that I emotionally drained him.

Thank you, though. I do get you, and you have helped

FEW! I was starting to give up because I thought you weren't listening, I am glad that we have helped, we want to help you recover your marriage, I BELIEVE that you can! As long as you read and follow the guidelines you get from MB.

I would start snooping and gathering all the evidence (phone, text, email etc.) and start making a list of people you want to email and expose to.

Ugh. Snooping. No desire. I know it happened. He's definitely still emotionally checked out with me. What more proof do I need.


Exhausted. Going to bed.

Only to be awake in a couple hours.

Up again, and yet again. Ugh.


This is so hard. I am starting to realize that he will absolutely not be able to meet my emotional needs this week, or for some time, simply because he is not willing to or is not able to.

Last week was not so bad because his father and brother and his wife and child were busy visiting with us last week. Those people met my emotional needs to a high degree last week. I love taking care of my family. I love keeping the house clean and making food for them and it felt so good to have people thank me for it. My husband still does thank me for it, but you know, his dad and brother and his wife all reached out to touch me. I need to be reached for. This is so hard to walk through.

I think the best thing I can do is really trying to bond deeply with my children and of course, him, as much as I can, but dh is not going to reciprocate much I think, and you know how teenagers can be. This leaves me wide open. I need touch. I need to hear that I am beautiful. I need to hear that I didn't deserve this. I need the comfort of someone's arms and body. I need these things, just like he needed them. And there is no place to get it right now.

This isn't logical. He should be reaching out to me, now. I just got done taking care of his family last week. I did it well. I bore this burden well and with dignity. He did, however, thank me yesterday before going into work that he appreciated it. I guess I should put that in my love bank and hold on to it, huh. The fact that he is still coming home I should look at as a love deposit, huh? The fact that he is talking to me at all and that we are cuddling in bed (when I'm there instead of throwing up, walking the floors, or in frozen mode) should be a love deposit, huh. He called me to go down to the goats with him Friday. That's a love deposit, right? Bought me a Whataburger shake, right?

I do not want him to come home to an unhappy wife, and yet, to the core I am rocked and reeling. I want stability for my children and I want to show myself that I can carry myself in a dignified manner through this. He can not come home to an unpeaceful, unhappy, needy wife.

And yet I need him, and the more he doesn't reciprocate, the more alone and destitute I feel.

These are just my feelings.

How do I talk to him about exposing the affair in a non-threatening manner? I do not feel vindictive. I do not hate the OW. I just want him to see it for what it is. His emotions.

What do I do when he gets angry and threatens to leave? I obviously don't want that. How can I be strong?

DO NOT TALK TO WH ABOUT EXPOSURE. I repeat: DO NOT tell your WH about this website or the advice you are receiving here!!!

He is wayward. Once he has stopped contact & defogged, then reason and logic come back into play. For now he is to be treated like a crack addict. OW = crack.

Please try to let this sink in and then the rest of the advice will make sense!

The last thing you should do is talk to your H about exposing the A. He won't see anything right now, won't be reaching out to you right now because he is still in the affair. Snoop and you will see for yourself. You need to kill the affair before you can recover the marriage. You have been given advice how to do this, but it does not appear as though you are willing to follow the advice.

Somewhere there is an entire thread about exposure, people who exposed the affair, people who didn't, and their take on whether it worked or not.

AM

Waiting,

When I got here and learned about the Love Bank & the other MB concepts, I realized I had played a large part in our marital problems pre-A. I ignored my H's needs, the biggest one being RC (recreational companionship) even though he pleaded with me for YEARS to do things with him without our children. I thought this was selfish thinking and wanted to focus on being a mom. Don't even get me started on all the lovebusters I committed.

That's part of what Plan A is all about, showing a willingness to meet ENs and stopping LBers.

All BSs have to clean up their side of the street but...

The thing is affairs do not happen due to a lack of meeting ENs. They happen because the WS did not protect the M and allowed another person to start making deposits in their love bank. They failed to stop it before they got in too deep.

Looking back, my H's A would have happened regardless of how good of a job I was doing with meeting ENs, etc...because he had very poor boundaries and this is the same as any other WS.

Accept 50% of the responsibility for the state of the M but DO NOT ACCEPT any of the responsibility of the A.

I am really worried that if you don't adopt the above attitude, guilt is going to work against you while you fight for your M...and you have a battle ahead of you...

If you read up more and let the concepts sink in, not only will this not baffle you...this will make perfect sense to you.

Because affairs act like an addiction in the brain, all waywards do & say many of the same things. We call this the "script". We can predict what your H will do and say much better than you can.

When I got here, my H still worked with OW. Everyone hammered me with the same message ---> as long as they work together, you will keep getting set back, recovery is not possible, it will be like having d-days again and again and again. The A continues. I didn't want to believe it, but they were all right and it turned out to be very true.

waiting, your H is still invested in OW. If you read up on the Love Bank, you will understand that OW has made Love Bank deposits with your H. Every day, that LB$ grows. Because they are only showing their best parts to each other and do not experience real life with each other, they will not lovebuster each other.

This is why NC is sooooo crucial. The rest of it doesn't work without NC in place. As long as he works and sees her, he won't be able to fall back in love with you no matter how much you plead, beg, reason, or Plan A him.

How to get NC into place? Exposure. Again, DO NOT try to talk to him about this. Read through your thread again since you've already gotten great advice...it takes a little bit for everything to sink in. Start getting your exposure ducks lined in a row. That's first in the order of priority.

You don't talk to him about exposure until AFTER it is done. This is not about being vindictive, it is about saving your marriage by not enabling your H's affair. Right now you are enabling the affair by keeping it a secret.


You say "I am so sorry you are upset!" and do your best to not to burst out laughing when he spouts some classic fogbabble at you: "I hate you!!" "I was going to work on the marriage but now I'm not!!" "how could you be so vindictive to OW??"

The key will be to not burst out laughing when he does this. Laughing is a lovebuster. Leave the room before you do it.

I'm not totally convinced this is true.
Convince me.
And by doing so, you will convince yourself.

You want to change yourself? Start by being brave.

Read the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
It takes integrity and courage to do a stellar Plan A.

Plan A is a challenge you give YOURSELF.

Wow, how do you think that you can be a happy wife for him to come home to after what you just found out?
An affair is WRONG no matter what the W gives as his reason for doing it, even my WH admits that the A was all about his own selfish behavior-that explanation holds true for ALL Ws.

You are right, he should be reaching out to you and apologizing every time for the pain he has inflicted and the fact that he is not doing this is a further testament to his selfishness, it is not about any weakness on your part!
I truly understand what you are feeling, I am a person that to the outside world ought to have no problem with self esteem, but thats my professional and public persona, deep down I am feeling like crap, like why did he treat me like this? why was I not good enough? I keep asking that but I keep answering that it was his deficiency that led him to do what he did, my success will come, I believe, when I stop asking myself that question.

One thing about MB is that is it counter-intuitive. What we would NORMALLY do when confronted with adultery is NOT how MB works-- and it does work. Don't rely on your "feelings" to guide you on the right way to handle this. Get a plan. MB has the best PLAN for saving your marriage after adultery.

Have your ordered "Surviving an Affair" yet? That, posting here, and getting counseling from the MB coaching center will get you through to the other side.