I addressed this.
My answer included discussing her feelings with her husband. (increases intimacy)
AND, addressing the fact that she most likely needs medication from her physician for depression/anxiety.



It is possible, but unlikely.
She is being warned that her marriage remains HIGH RISK if the adultery-partners even see each other at work (without talking).
It is also possible she might win the lottery.

Sure1,

Read the majority of the threads here and see why this is all necessary. Shortcuts do not work. I believe it to be true (correct me if you can) that on this forum there has NEVER been a case of a recovered marriage when the WS and OP still work together. If you see one here or know of one in literature or personal experience, please point it out. I would like to see/read how the couple succeeded in recovery.

Sorry, 30, I don't see how your pain will end. It will get much worse unless you act.

AM

I disagree this is valid concern. But lets say it is, the chances of him losing his job over exposure at work is greatly heightened if the OWH finds out from another source than 30feeling. And he WILL find out. They always do.

Secondly, he has to leave that job ANYWAY if the marriage is to be saved. They can't save their marriage if he still works with the OW.

Her WS should be looking for another job NOW if he is serious about saving his marriage. But he is not.


Of course we have answered her questions, what do you think this entire thread is about? The answer is for her H to a) end all contact with the OW and b) expose the affair to the OWH.

The way you "move forward" is to end contact with the OP. And it is not remorse that will prevent a repeat occurrance, but recovering the marriage and establishing firm affair proof boundaries. Neither of which has occurred in this marriage.

Nothing is signficant until all contact ends and the OWH knows about the affair; THAT is where your focus should lie if you want to be helpful, Sure1.

If you agree with me, and you understand....

THEN WHY ARE YOU GIVING ALL KINDS OF EXCUSES TO NOT TELL HER HUSBAND????

If I may ....

I think she is fearful that "telling" the OWH might disclose a whole different "story" than the one her WH has told her.

Maybe you are right, maybe she is afraid that her husband and OW WERE all this time lying to her about how fearful she is towards her husband (The OW)

Touch break man.

GOOD LUCK!

Just one more time SHALL WE??

I don't know of one. And let me explain why. In order for the fog to wear off, complete abstinence must take place. That cannot happen if the adulterers are triggered every so often at work. This is why recovery is impossible. That is about like expecting an alcoholic to recover but he goes in the bar every day and calls his occasional drinks "business drinks." He smells and sees the alcohol every day so it stays top of mind. Every day he thinks about that booze and looks forward to the next time he can drink.

That is what it is like working with an OP and why recovery is impossible.

Dr Harley is adamant that all contact ends because recovery is IMPOSSIBLE otherwise. We need to stick to that. I have been here for 9 years and know of scads of affairs that started up again by skipping this step, but don't know of any marriages that ever recovered this way.

And lets say we did know of ONE. I know of people who smoked for 30 years and had no ill effects. Would we advocate smoking based on that rare case?

I agree..

And, I think she is probably afraid of having a nervous breakdown.

I really hope and pray she gets some medical attention, soon.Like today.

I think we should also qualify "full marital recovery". Sure there are people who have stayed together and call themselves recovered, but they have not experienced "full marital recovery" as prescribed and described at MB if any contact has continued. They just haven't. It is NOT possible.

Even now, six years later, if OW was to make an indirect or even a direct appearance in our lives, my DH and I would be back to square one. However, we would get back to recovery again much faster NOW because we KNOW that NO CONTACT would have to be established in order to even BEGIN to recover again.

See how that works?

30;

I've read this whole post, and I don't see any ACTIONS taken by you or your husband to actually repair the damage to your marriage by his affair.

Him being "sorry" is not enough.

You need to work the program. Get yourselves to a Marriage Builders weekend or start the online courses. Start undertanding and meeting each others needs and affair-proof your marriage.

Your husband should also have more "skin in the game" to give you some relief. He should have some extreme precautions in place to avoid OW. He should make amends. He should draw up a post-nuptial agreement that gives you everything if he cheats again.

You're making some poor assumptions that are perpetuating your grief.

#1 -- it is not OK for them to work at the same company. It gives them an untraceable method of communication and keeping track of each other. Even after the training is done, they will be able to hear gossip, or company communications, or "find" each other in company directories. And you would never know.

#2 -- that is also why everyone is so adamant that OW's husband knows. Its another set of eyes and ears keeping OW and your husband apart.

#3 -- you are falling for the ol "my husband is abusive" crap that probably suckered your husband in. OW lie. Did you know that 98% of all OW have "abusive" husbands? Come on. If that man was such a threat why on earth would a woman do the very thing guaranteed to make that man go raging?


I think you sense that you need more help in coping. Talk to your doctor.

SusieQ and Armymama, I have read and read until the cows come home, not only the MB literature but a multitude of self help books on this sad topic (cause I�m living it) so I am quite qualified to weigh in here. I have also read this thread in its entirety and Pepperband is the only one who eventually directly answered 30feeling�s questions, after reaffirming MB�s concepts. I am not disputing the necessity of MB�s concepts to recovery; I am just saying �one-size does not always fit all�. As well, advice is meant to be helpful and once given, it is for the recipient to do with it as she/he chooses, based on her/his circumstances, without criticism from the �givers of advice� otherwise it is not helpful. Telling 30feeling that she will be triggered each time her WH goes to work or that some husbands have resumed contact even though they were remorseful does not tell her how to heal; they are just examples in support of MB�s concept of NC. I would agree that shortcuts �don�t always work� and would say then that sometimes they would..... �one-size doesn�t always fit all�.
Melodylane, I don�t agree that the OWH is more likely to expose the affair at work if he finds out about it from someone other than 30feeling. However he finds out, he may and may not expose the affair at work. As for what I think most of this thread has been about, it appears to me to have been more about reaffirming MB�s concepts and in some cases about criticizing 30feeling for taking time to think this through and making her own decisions following receipt of the advice rather than answering her questions.
Perhaps you all thought you were answering her questions by reaffirming MB concepts but they didn�t answer them for me and apparently not for 30feeling either. Like I said, Pepperband was the only one who eventually answered them for me. Yes, the MB's concepts have proven effective and not following them precisely and immediately may hinder or delay recovery but jumping all over 30feeling for taking her time to think it through isn�t helpful. Answering her questions directly, backing answers up with MB�s concepts, being supportive and encouraging her to get medical help as she goes through this seems more helpful to me. I can understand it if she is afraid she is having a nervous breakdown, couldn�t we all?

Sure1,

You might have missed this one little section in all your reading.

Sure1, yes it is telling her how to heal. The way to heal is to get the OW out of their lives. She will not heal until that happens. One size does fit all when it comes to the recovery of a marriage ie: ending contact with the OP and exposing the affair.

There is no such thing as a marriage that recovers while the affairees still see each other at work. Almost everyone here HAS told her how to heal, and that is for her H to end all contct with the OW. THAT is a tried and true Marriage Builders concept. That *IS* one size fits all. And saying there is no one size fits all is a contradiction of Marriage Builders concepts that is not helpful to this poster.

Sure1, I would just remind you that this is Marriage Builders, [please see the sign on the door] and we are trying to help this poster recover. The fastest way for her to recover is for her H to end contact with the OW and to expose the affair to her H. If you advise otherwise I would suggest that you are not being helpful and might oughta keep it to yourself.


Your posts indicate otherwise. Dr Harley NOWHERE says "one size doesn't fit all." Do you have a citation?

How about we stick to Marriage Builders and not muddy the water with your own agenda? Telling this poster there are exceptions to the rule is untrue and is nothing more than telling her what she wants to hear. That does her no favors.

******EDIT**************

A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters learn Marriage Builder concepts. If you can help this poster with that, feel free to post. If not, please refrain from posting.

Thank you

****************EDIT*****************

STOP!

30feeling, I won't be posting anymore. I just want to wish you all the best. MB concepts are excellent and will help you recover and heal from this. It does take time, likely much longer than you would like and it does take a lot of hard work from both of you and it is not easy but you can make it. In time, it does get better. In the meantime, the encouragement you have received to seek help from you doctor is also good advice. Again, best of luck.

sure i, i really do appreciate u coming on this thread & trying to repeat what i have said. i am so happy to know that someone was actually reading what i was writing. you brought tears to my eyes!
some people are trying to stress their points by saying he works w/her everyday when in fact he only sees her for 1 1/2 days a month for 3 more months which equals 4 1/2 more days & the training is over & he will never see her again. i have seen some of u on other threads advise that the WH or WW quit their job but give them 2 weeks so what is the difference in them seeing the OP for 2 weeks or my H seeing the OW for 4 1/2 days in a training class w/20 other people. talking about adding stress to a situation, having 4 children & searching for a job in this economy. oh wait--this is just an excuse, anyone can find a good job right now.
i tryed to tell all of u that i spoke to my H about all of this & that he agreed w/ya'll about the NC & the OW's husband needing to know. he even told me today that if it will help me to heal, then tell the OW's husband b/c he is not worried about him & it is the right thing to do but i am not wanting my H approval to tell the OW's husband...i just want to make sure that nothing else will happen to me & my family that will bring more stress to our situation.
i think that sure1 was also trying to get me to use the MB concept but @ the same time was listening b/c as sure1 stated "one size doesn't always fit all" so just b/c your WW or WH kept cheating does not mean they all do & just b/c someone did not tell the OP spouse does not mean that is why they cheated again....that sounds like an excuse to me!
i would like to thank those who have offered advice with a teachable spirit & would like to encourage others to search for a teachable spirit if they are truely trying to help others.

*****EDIT**********