I agree with Mark, Lisa you have been in plan A for a month and a half, that is plenty enough time for him to know exactly what he will be missing. Ask these questions....

Are the things I am doing and saying bringing him home?

Has he decided to recover the marriage?

Have I dont the best plan A I possibly can?

If the answers are no, no, and yes...then I suggest you..

Write your plan B letter, post it here so we can help you edit, and get into plan B as soon as you can.

We know you can do this Lisa, and we all know you are ready!

Lisa, I know you are scared about Plan B. All of us who have had to do a Plan B were scared of it too. The "what ifs" creep in. You start to worry about how you will get by without him in your life. Thing is, you don't want to live like this forever do you? Then you need to get prepared for your Plan B and you should execute it in days, not weeks. You CAN do this.

When you got here, you couldn't pull off a great Plan A. We all helped you and you are amazing at it now. You read things and learned things. You have faith and hope and you acted on what you thought was going to work. Well, now we are telling you that you need to end this Plan A and get into Plan B.

Who is going to be your IM? I think I suggested your Sis. What do you think about that? She can get help from the great people on here and I would even be willing to have her email a few messages to show her what she would and wouldn't pass on.

You would also have to get the visitation for the children set up and your finances all figured out.

You can do this and you really SHOULD do this. It is the best thing for you to do for your marriage and for yourself.

Lisa, how are you feeling about going into plan B sooner? Like this weekend!? I know I know....its 4th of july weekend! Honestly, he wont be there anyway...he'll be too busy texting the OW!

Better to have Plan B prepared and to have your mind and heart in sync than to leap to a Plan B that can't be followed for any reason.

PLAN out PLAN B before jumping into it. It will be much easier for you to follow it as a method of trying to save your marriage if you don't envision it as the end of the marriage.

Like any plan it takes planning and isn't just a default position like the rest of the world might use the term plan b, which means "I'm clueless." Plan B here is an actually PLAN and not just "a walk away and think about it" sort of thing.

It isn't break time from the drama until you get over you get over your own dramatics and understanding that Plan B is not the end but one more attempt to healing the relationship is a big factor. Plan B also is supposed to make him do anything at all. It is only supposed to give you that break you need once you understand that you can't control what he does by doing anything at all.

I said to PLAN for Plan B, not to BE in plan b by any near future time. The only way this stuff works is to make decisions using logic and thought processes rather than emotional reaction to individual events. That is why Plan A is so hard for some at first. You have to think your way into Plan B so that you know what to do about your feelings or you will still be reacting to your own drama and feelings all the time and Plan B will not have any beneficial effect and you'll burn out about three months from now.

Figure out who can be intermediary and make sure that person understands the role. Look into what it will take for separation of finances, and this might require seeing a lawyer and maybe even filing legal paperwork, in some states, beginning the divorce process itself though this can often be delayed for a couple of years without having to remove it from the table.

Questions to ask:

* How will you share child raising without seeing each other even at exchange time?
* How will your bills be paid without him being here? Do you need him to pay the bills to live? Then you need him to be legally accountable for paying the bills.
* Who will mow the lawn, trim the bushes, shovel the snow this winter, take the car in for repair when it needs things like oil changes, new tires or shocks?
* What actually will be the minimal investment by him for you to be willing to try to put this back together? This needs to be stated in the Plan B letter and you can't up the ante later. (I can give suggestions, but SAA and this website already have them)
* Can your chosen intermediary distinguish between what is an emergency that requires my attention and the normal bovine excrement of entitlement that goes with an affair? More importantly, can the IM be trusted to pass along to you information that will be critical in negotiating for him to return to the marriage? This is often a bigger failure in the whole process than passing along too much info, BTW, so be sure your IM understands and believes in your goal of saving your marriage and not just being away from him.

And we could list other questions as people think of them. That's my point, you don't jump into Plan B to get away. You have to develop Plan B to protect yourself. Causing more drama by being unprepared will not do what needs to happen for Plan B to have any beneficial effects for either the person in Plan B or the marriage. If it's giving up, it isn't Plan B.

Mark

Hey lady! Any update??

Hope your doing ok

Do we have to track you down to get an update?

Lisa! Where are you? Is everything ok?

Sorry Im back Had a really rough month trying to keep plan A in place

My husband told me I need to do 2 things in order for him to come home continue to lose weight and to stop the arguing!
I was floored that he would be that blunt to tell me he wants a wife he can be proud of that people wont talk about cause she is fat. My girlfriends were so angry at him for saying this to me but in a way I see his point about the weight.
I also have been very angry especially after I found out he saw her again that I have struggled to keep my plan A in place.

I have been taking care of myself going to the gym and having some night out with my friends. On several ocasions he has had fits of anger because he sees me all dressed up and going out without him so he then starts feeding me this bullcrap about not leaving the kids alone... My daughter is 14 now and can babysit for a few hours while I go out once in a while for drinks with the girls.

So fast foward to this past weekend...

He came over to help me reconnect the battery to the scooter which I connected wrong! wink wink... I asked him to go for a ride with me and the kids just to get out of the house and he was like no im leaving ...

I said ok and then he casually said as he is driving off maybe we can go to a movie later.... I said ok and walked away not realy thinking he meant me and him. So he then sends me a text like 2 hrs later to look up movie times so we can go.

I got dolled up in a dress I know he likes and off we went. It was a little akward at first but I just forced myself to keep the chatter up and actually got him laughing. I feel it went great by the end of the night i was dropping him off and he suddenly grabbed me and gave me a kiss on the cheek ... I joked and said since when do you kiss me on the cheek and he said were taking it slow this was a first date! I told him playing hard to get I see and he laughed as he walked away.

The next day we got into it cause of my stupid insecurities and jealousy .....

He said to me right now im making you my 1st choice I want us to date for the next month or so to see if we can work things out and then if it goes well we can plan me coming back home ... if not then we will have to go our separate ways.

He said he wants to see if he can get his love back for me because right now he loves me but not in the right way because I should be the first and last thing he thinks about and right now he doesnt.

I asked him if this was what he really wanted because if it was then we both had to start fresh today and forgive each other for the past. I also told him he is going to have to deal with my questioning him alot in the beginnig because he is asking for blind trust and I want transparency from him.

He said ok but that we are still separated and he wont question me if i want to go out and I shoudnt question him either. I just said yes to that since he is incapable of not questioning me all the time I am amused by that.

I also told him that we need to spend quality time together and if we arent then at least have some conversations again. He said as long as you understand sometimes I might not want to talk or I might not want to be on the phone for a realy long time! He said we are going to do this as if we are people who are in the inital stages of dating.

He also told me I need to realize he might not want to come home after this time period but that he wants to try to work things out.

So that where we left things last night... I am terrified to take this chance but at the same time I love him and want him back!

Also I found out that July 4th weekend he saw her at the club and said hi but he said he realized it would be an issue so he left the club. I know for a fact that he was at a different night club that night that the one he saw her but I was upset he didnt tell me.

I found about it 3 weeks or so ago from a mutual friend that saw him so you can imagine the problems that caused. He told me he hoped I wouldnt find out cause he knew it was going to get me angry.
I told him his honesty would have been better an would have kept me from going bullistic!

I also found out that he drives by her house now because of road construction that has deviated trafic to pass by her street. But its all very innocent! I say that with sarcasm!

So I beleive he is starting his withdrawl all over again.

So how am I going to get him to fall in love with me again?

Help me plan my attack because I have him on my side of the fence for now!

Lisa,
Thanks for the update, just take it day by day, look good, smell good when you see him.....
He sounds like he is willing to see where things might go, keep working on yourself and make your home a safe place for him to be.....
Show him he is the most important person in your life but don't just sit around waiting for him....
Keep busy with friends and your kids, show him you are okay and living your life without him.....
Just be the you, flirt, laugh......if he gets mad, so be it.......
little touches, look right into his eyes when you speak, tell him he looks good, let him do little jobs for you......all this makes him feel admired and needed....

It is very clear that he does not like your AO and he needs yout to be physically attractive. Do not think I am pinning this on you. I am just giving helpful pointers. These are things that will help your marriage in the future. My wife and I also need each other to be physically attractive, and I have to watch my tounge about DJ's.

How is your situation? It sounds like he is still not home, and you are still trying to plan A him. He is being a little more honest with you letting you know where he is driving, and going, but he is not complelty there.

How are you doing? Losing weight? Taking care of yourself? Feeling better or worse?

It sounds like he is still in limbo, I would not believe him when he say's he saw the OW at the night club and left.

I think for me I would go to plan B, you have done plan A long enough and it sounds like you are doing a GREAT job considering he is asking you out, but what I don't like is how is keeps gas lighting you "let's wait a month and date, and if it still doesn't work out we will still be separated" I don't like this comment, I would not wait another month to see how it "Goes" I would go to plan B and let him know exactly how it will be like being "REALLY" separated! Get it over with as soon as possible so he can make his choice, if he does end up leaving during plan B then there is where you will find his TRUE answer, (he was only gas lighting you so you can get his needs met with you and with the OW) if he does end up coming home and fixing the marriage then you will know for sure that he DOES want to fix the marriage. But this limbo he is doing is driving you nuts of jealousy.

You were so ready for plan B last month, what are you waiting for?

I cant bring myself to do plan B yet!

I do have confirmation from another friend that he did leave and ended up in a different club and that they did not see him speaking to her that it was a hi and bye situation

I know he isnt seeing her for sure!

I feel like he wants to come home but we have had some fights and I told him he cant come home untill we work some things out.

I do beleive he is being honest when he tells me he wants to try to get his love back for me.

Im just confused whith all the what if's!

Plan B will be impossible now anyway my son just started football so we see each ther at practice everyday and will on game days!

I think I will go on dates and see where we are at in a couple of weeks if it still isnt what I expected or want then Ill do plan B.

And yes I go to the gym every day! I have lost a total of 35 lbs, im dressing differently, im looking my best 90% the time....

If you want to plan A then get him back into the house. If you want plan B give him a plan B letter and stop talking to him and go dark. This seperation doesn't help your marriage at all. You will have to pick one or the other. I would vote on getting him back into the house and do a stellar plan A until the cards line up and its time to do a plan B.

Good job on the weight loss and looking your best. I hope it makes you feel good. I know Sapph's hair rules how she feels.....ha ha ha.

I agree with Wheels.

The problem is if he won't come back home...it is because he is still in contact (even if just by phone) with OW and you're not going to get far getting him to fall back in love with you. It's just going to be the equivanlent of banging your head against the wall.

Plan A is meant to show a "willingness to meet ENs and stop lovebusters" which you have done. Doing Plan A too long leads to many bad things including an inability to control lovebusters...compromising your emotional health & well-being... and your H becoming accustomed to fence-sitting which actually hurts the chances for a real recovery in the future.

I think sometimes BSs become so narrowly focused on winning back the WS that you lose sight of the big picture

Again, if he won't come back home & agree to be transparent, I would move to Plan B.

Hi Lisa,
Have you been in Plan A all this time? A real Plan A, No LB's, actively meeting his top EN's? Sounds like you've done a good job getting him to this point.

Your energy seems high, can you do this for another month?

With three school-aged children and your enthusiasm level high, I'd probably go the Plan A route (I only read the first page of your thread, so I take it back if he beats you or is otherwise batchit crazy).

And I'd focus that Plan A on eliminating your LB's as much if not more than meeting his EN's. Really drill down on the LB's, think hard about any little thing you may have not considered.

What do you want to do?

The problem is she has been doing Plan A for over two months. Dr H recommends 3-4 weeks.

The longer you do Plan A, your ability to control lovebusters actually diminishes.

Yeah, I was concerned about the length of her Plan A too, but I was not sure how stellar of a Plan A she did.

However, she needs to permanently eliminate AO's ANYWAY. Those never do you any good. And getting in shape ANYWAY is good, too.

I did a Plan A for a little over a month whilst my H was still foggy (I didn't know he was still in contact), and it was HELL. It definitely got harder and harder to control my emotions.

I hate seeing BS continue Plan A for months without even a hint of getting Plan B ready.

Please, lisa, Plan A is not meant to be a way of life. Time to concentrate on getting you & your kids to a healthy place...and establish boundaries with your H. He needs to learn he doesn't get all the benefits of a family and W working hard to meet his ENs while he sits on a fence.

she is doing an awesome job on plan a!!

Lisa if you won't do plan B your best bet is to have him move back home.