Going to go to this guy today, and tell him to tell me everything. Make it clear that its over, and that if he doesn't tell me everything he is in big trouble. Then most likely report anyway.

Thanks for helping me push past doubt and fear.

Anything he tells you is going to be suspect anyway.

A better investment would be a voice activated recorder to stick in your WW's car, and calls to CPS and ICE. And immediate nuclear exposure to friends, family, and anyone else who has influence over WW.

DO NOT PLAY FAIR! STIFFEN YOUR SPINE, PICK UP THE HAMMER, AND BRING IT DOWN. HARD!

Call INS, report him as an illegal, report his employer as employing illegals, report his landlord as sheltering illegals, collect any reward money and use it for IC payments and drug rehab for your immature, self-centered WW. (If the immigration path looks "iffy", consider the CPS/drug-involvement gambit.)

After he's arrested and deported, if she's still in dreamland, offer to divorce her and let her run off to her third-world paradise with lover-boy.

Going to go to him, he was obviously scared of me two days ago. He is known to the legal system, they are actually trying to help him retain custody of his girls???

I can stop him from being employed and report the drugs. That should shake him up pretty bad.

As soon as I leave his house I'm calling everyone.

I'm going to have to take the fall out at home, but if she wants to stay I guess this will tell me how bad she wants to stay.

If he tells me they had sex, then thats that, if he doesn't then I'll still act like he had.

You can start off the question with "I know you have had sex with my WW - I just want to know how long this has been going on. And I want to know the truth".

You are holding a lot of cards here. And the OM knows that.

And JF, your WW has likely had sex with the OM. Knowing that it likely happened and finding out that it actually happened are two different things though. I suggest that you take a good friend along with you for this confrontation.

Whatever happens, do not leave your home (I mean like moving out or staying away), and do not let your WW take your child to live anywhere else. WW's have this sense of entitlement that tells them the BH should be the one to leave the marital home, and culturally men have been conditioned to buy it.

If WW feels like someone should leave the house, it can be her - without your child.

Yeah, I need to force the issue out in the open.

Its killing me sitting here @ work waiting for 2 more hours before I can do this.

How many of you have similar stories?

I need some words of encouragement that this is the right thing to do. In other words, if you didn't confront, or force things early on, do you wish you had?

It is really hard.


Going to catch him at work if I can today. If he doesn't respond I'll walk in and report then and there.


Words of encouragement would still help!

first order of business is to bust up this affair and since he's here in the US illegally...report him to the proper authorities and since he's a druggie, he'll probably have pot on him when they bust him...with the slim ball out of the picture, you can start working on repairing your marriage...

This is no doubt going to cause some awful response by my wife, these girls are related (barely but still related). And all(most) of our previous problems revolved around kids.

Now I'm taking these kids away, but I can't see her hanging around him and even though shes trying to suggest she only pick them up and drop them off with his other sitter, it causes me pain.

I realize that they both lied to me for months. And she only admitted once I had hard proof.

I understand that by pushing this, she may never forgive, but I can take that knowing she won't be going to this guy.

And if he somehow remains in the country and they do end up together, she will get what she deserves... A much harder life, and regrets.


God, it is finally good to have someone to talk to and get this out. I am looking forward to getting family and friends involved so I can have people close to talk to .

The greatest regret I have looking back is that I didn�t guard my intel better and didn�t expose properly and was afraid of my WXW�s anger.

SHE is the one who cheated. SHE should have feared being thrown on her a$$ out in the street.

NOT doing this is going to simply keep the affair alive.

JF writes,


Yeah, I wish I had. This was in October, after my wandering wife announced she was moving out and taking our two young kids with her. I knew she had been in an emotional affair with a coworker; I read their emails the previous fall. I should have exposed her affair -- to her friends and family members as well as to his friends and family members. Yes, she would've gone berserk. But her anger would have faded. And our family would have had a stronger shot of getting back together.

A couple of thoughts about your situation (aka "sitch"):

1) Don't let the strong tone of some commenters here bother you. They're trying to help you. Yes, many are too blunt. But their advice is better than those you're getting from friends and family members. (If only I had ignored my friends' and family members' advice ... ) The commenters on this board see the patterns of affairs. And their collective wisdom is more likely to defeat the strategies of your WW and the OM. It's a bit of a numbers game.

2) Some commenters advise installing a keylogger. I prefer the GPS tracker by Zoombak. You can buy it for $80 at Radio Shack and a one-month service fee of $18. (You have to cancel the service before 30 days). Stick the tracker BEHIND the glove box of your car. Get an industrial-strength velcro, charge the tracker for 12 hours, and stick it in your/her car. You will have certain evidence of their affair. Everything else will be conjecture. And believe me, your wife and the OM will deny the relationship.

3) Expose at once. Don't trickle it out over days, weeeks, or months. Do it at once. Do you have an account on Facebook? You can hit send to three or four people simultaneously. Or you can find the phone numbers of your wife's and the OM's friends and family. Make sure your wife and the other man don't interrupt you. The other man did this to me, and stopped what would have been a good early exposure.

4) Exposing doesn't feel normal. It's true. But neither does swinging a golf club properly or writing well. It's counter intuitive. Such is the nature of reality -- complex!

God bless,



------------------------------

Me: BH, 39 (with job offer pending)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

Pretty much everyone here. That's why we are here. Read my story. It's posted under my signature.

I think the best way to get info out of him is to tell him you KNOW what happened, but you wanted to hear the details from him. Just do it like you were the police interrogating a suspect. Tell him, "I know what you have been up to. Did you use protection? Because if not, I need to get myself tested." We know if you have been sleeping with your WW, you need to get tested anyway, but making him believe you already know will make him more likely to tell you. I got info out of my OM the same way. I told him that I finally got my WW to confess that stuff did happen, and asked him exactly when and where it happened. He admitted it, and then I used that info to expose.

Oh, and my WW agreed to NC 5 days after exposure. If only I had stood up sooner, I wouldn't have had to endure several months of hell.

Thank you so much. I'm really needing to hear these things.

She even told me her friend had an affair earlier this year and her friend said "These things happen, don't beat yourself up."

I have to get some people on my side to help me and her realize that this was extremely detrimental to everyone, and not an "OK" thing that just happens.

Tell him "My wife has now admitted to one time having sex with you" "I am asking you man to man how many times" If I find out there was more than you say I will then make your life miserable and your stay in the U.S very short".

I honestly wouldn't even bother with the games trying to get him to admit it. His wife has told him in emails that she loves him. What does JF think they are doing when they are sitting around getting high? They are screwing, probably non-stop. Once he lets go of the hope that she has still been physically faithful to him, things will probably get better for him.

First order of business is to dispassionately get rid of OM. He's an illegal alien, adulterer, and drug addict. Report his butt to ICE and CPS and get him deported. Who cares what happens to him. I wouldn't go meet him or make threats or attempt to blackmail him into answering questions. After OM is gone, JF can polygraph his wife if he still wants hard facts.

I concur with unfettered and the others. report him to the authorities.

Its been awhile since I posted, I thought I would give a status update and ask a question.

Wife has fully admitted the affair, although she still wants to say "it wasn't as bad as it could have been", referring to the fact that I caught them before they had sex. The affair was a deeply emotional affair and had just turned physical.

She, and I, have both told the OM about no contact. She appears to be following, and so has he.


We have had many conversations about what happened, and I have most if not all the details of how far things went. I am dealing with these facts as best I can, but it is difficult. The OM was pursuing her HARD, even trying to get her to commit to plans for them to be together. These plans were detailed enough where he was willing to loose his daughters during the process, because he felt that *they* could get them back once they were together.

I now have the book "Surviving and affair" and "His needs her needs for parents". We are reading them together.

(more narrative before asking a question)

My marriage was rocky about two months after my son was born (he is now almost 8). My wife is very, very emotionally abusive, and in the past is been almost pure verbal.

Recently she has been getting more physical. It is rare but she can hit(has done it once or twice). But she will push, grab and squeeze me(HARD, digging in nails).

The last time this happened was last weekend when she became angry during my sons soccer game. She left the game to go sit in the car. When my son finished his game, he asked me "Did mom leave my game because she is upset?" I said "Yes, but she is OK now."

When my son got to the car he told her to be nice to me. This set her off. She got visibly angry and my son started to cry because his parents "can't be nice to each other". She climbed to the back seat to sit next to him, and in doing so grabbed my shoulder so hard it hurt for two days.

....

If you have read any of my story you know she was raised in an environment where "expressing" anger like this was common, and pretty much the accepted way of "letting it out".

...


We are now a just slightly over one month since she stopped/admitted the affair.

She says she wants to move past the talk of the actual affair and start focusing on our long standing issues.

I am trying my best to be optimistic, but in the past and even now she says lines like
"I don't know if I can ever be what you want."

"Maybe I'll never be able to be nice to you."

"This is just who I am."

"You grew up being spoiled, and had it too good, I had a hard life, you can't expect me to be someone I'm not."


How long can I honestly be expected to hang on to hope if she continues to justify her hateful and mean behaviors towards me?

I am so mentally exhausted right now I don't know if I can see things clearly. At what point do I have to say that my wife doesn't respect me enough to even be nice to me?



P.S Thanks for the help, this community is a life saver.

JF, I would raise the bar here. Since there is no standard here, she is just living down to your expectations. Your forgiveness came too cheap and easy. The fact that she is able to get away with abusing you causes her to abuse you MORE because she hates you for not stopping her.

She needs anger management counseling and I would insist she get professional help or you need to separate.

I would stop what you are doing and get the book LOVEBUSTERS. That is where you should start. But first you have to have a talk with her.

I would have a heart to heart with her that goes something like this:

dear, I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness for your affair and for your abuse if certain things happen. I am not willing to stay in a loveless, hostile marriage where you abuse me. That is not going to happen anymore if you want to stay married to me. If you put your hands on me again, I will be calling the police and having you arrested. [you had better follow through on this, JF, otherwise you will be enabling her]

What it will take to recover our marriage using this program to turn our marriage around. And that starts with ending the abuse today and getting anger management counseling.

JF, Dr Harley would tell you to SEPARATE when there is abuse. If she won't stop this, that is exactly what you should do after calling the police and having her tossed in jail. Does she abuse your son too?

Domestic Violence