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KC, I am wondering the same thing about time to Plan B. I've shown her the changes and I hope shown her that they're permanent. The reason I'm still in Plan A is to let her see that this is not a trick and that my changes are real and permanent. I don't know if this is why she is communicating more with me. When we just talked I told her that I just hit 60 pounds lost and she replied very nicely "I know, I can see". I think once I get the new lawyer and finish the separation agreement, it will be time to Plan B. Legally until then she can come into the house whenever she wants and there is no guideline.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
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Just make sure that your plan B letter is not like 4 pages laugh keep it short and simple but to the POINT!

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It is very similar to the ones posted in my thread. It isn't more than a page. I have to polish it, but that has to wait until after next week. I have to grade final exams and final papers, proctor a state final, grade it and enter grades into the computer; all before next Friday. So this is getting a back burner until it's finished. Plus I have an IC session next week and need to interview and pick a new lawyer next week as well.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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So today my wife took my younger son out to buy clothes for a wedding he's going to in two weeks. He came home and told me that she was looking for more clothes for me. She dropped him off and stayed for a few minutes and chatted. I can't figure it out. Is it guilt or some vestige of caring? Is this meeting her needs or her being a cake eater?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
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you are still on her mind when you aren't around, this is a good thing.....just keep being the man that loves her and that she can see herself with in the future.....
patience my friend......keep moving forward in your life, if she happens to want to stay, great, if not you are getting stronger everyday......and that is progress


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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You're in Plan A right? Then don't worry about what he is doing and DO what you are. Meet her needs, don't LB. It's really that simple. You Plan A until it is time for either Plan B or recovery. So, what ENs did you meet for her yesterday while she was over? Did you look good? Was the house clean? Did you meet any other ENs? I don't remember what ENs you identified as your WW's top 5. How did you meet them yesterday? How are you going to meet them today? tomorrow?

That's all that Plan A is about. No trying to figure out what your WW is doing and why because YOU WILL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT. Trying to figure out what a wayward is thinking and why is CRAZY MAKING.

Focus on YOUR ACTIONS. THAT is ALL you need to do right now.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotty and Jessi,
Thanks for the little 2 x 4s, I needed them. I know I can't worry about her, but it's hard. Everyone who sees me and my physical and mental changes since coming out of the depression are impressed and say that she is being crazy. I have even inspired a few friends to exercise after seeing my changes. I told them go get a divorce, it does wonders.LOL It is hard to hear all the praise and know how I screwed up and I am not like that any more and I can be everything she wanted and see it not have any effect on her. I am focusing on myself. I have an IC again this week. I am being a better father than I have ever been and really enjoying the time with both boys. The house is looking clean and the bills are all kept up. She should be able to see that I can function and do well without her. In fact when she was sitting on the porch waiting for my son to come model his outfit, I was coming back with the groceries for the week and had the meals all planned out.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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You are doing great! You are taking charge of your life and taking care of the home and boys. Keep it up and try to quit wondering about what she is/isn't doing/thinking.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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How are you doing?


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Sorry, busy week. Final exams for summer school and grading. I have been busy. Each week gets easier, which scares me. I am afraid to find out that I don't want or need her. I still think about her and miss her, but less each week. I am continuing to work on me. I am exercising 6 times a week and have lost a total of 63 pounds. I am going to counseling to continue to work on my depression and separation; my next appointment is tomorrow. I have not spoken to or texted (given or received) from my wife in a week. If I call, she doesn't answer. If I text, she usually doesn't respond. So at this point it's tough to meet her needs. I am interviewing a new lawyer this Friday, and another one on Wed. and will have a good one before next Friday. Then things should get interesting. At that point we will begin serious work on the separation agreement and have one hammered out quickly. Then we will see what that does to her. I don't want to, I think we are rushing it and would like to slow down, but her lawyer is really pushing it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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How long are you going to Plan A? Remember, Plan B is to protect your love for her...it also helps her to see what life without you will be like.


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I think it might be Plan B time at the end of the summer or when the separation agreement is in place. I'm going to play it by ear and see how things are at the start of school.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 249
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I've reviewed your posts and offer this advice, but before I do I should tell you I am now divorced (cavaet emptor). I spent a lot of time on this site and carefully read Dr. Harley's books, but it didn't work out for me. I tried as mightly as I was able. However, I believe Dr. Harley's insights are spot on. Looking back on my events, I believe I spent too much time in plan A. For whatever reason, your wife has gone whacky. It's the best way to look at it. What she's looking for is irrational, but in a weird way, you'll start to give it to her by going into plan b. It's hard on you and you do risk ending it forever, but when I finally did it (and it was really too late for me) it did result in my ww all of a sudden wanting to talk to reconnect with me. A major condition for plan b is to end the affair, which my ww never was willing to do, but she definitely missed me. It was the first indication of interest I received from her in 18 months of going through the affair and eventual divorce.

For what it's worth, don't wait too long to start plan b and show you can take her or leave her.

hww


D-Day: 3/25/07
Me BS: 47 SAHD
WW: 46 EA PA (filed for divorce 5/30/07)
2 DD and 1 DS 15, 13, 13 (twins)
MOM: W's xboss (filed for 2nd marriage divorce 5/30/07, fired 6/29/07)
OMW: Knows (recovering from cancer)
Divorced April 2008 and happy
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Help W Wife, Thanks for the advice. I am able to see her texts numbers and phone calls because we share a wireless phone service. She has only called POSOM once and there have only been 4 texts exchanged either way this whole month; so I see signs of the emotional affair dying. I am moving forward with the separation agreement and when I get that finished, it is time to move to plan B. I am not going to keep Plan A going too long. In some ways we are almost in Plan B. If I text her, she doesn't respond. If I call she doesn't usually answer. If she needs to talk to me she calls the house phone, not my cell phone. She doesn't live here, so we don't see each other. the only thing left for a Plan B is the letter; which I am hoping to finish next week and post here for comments.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 249
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You can see by my information that we have some similarities. I think it's great you've lost so much weight - keep that up. Lose more weight if you need to; you will really be happy no matter which way your situation goes. As I said, I waited too long and my love was definitely gone for my ww upon entering plan B. I lost a lot of weight also and was exhausted with the entire drama during plan A. Once I entered plan B it didn't take long at all to meet other women. Once that happens, it's over. At that point, even though your ww may want to reconnect, you will be too exhausted and emotionally checked out. Everyone telling you that plan B is important to protect your emotions are dead right.

By the way, you know they could be communicating with other devices, like Skype. I wouldn't be too sure about her solitude. Also, I have to admit that I don't understand separation agreements. Plan B is too remove you from satisfying her needs; all of them. At the very most, I would tell her what the deal is, send her an agreement, and just be done with it and move into plan B.

Also, I personally would be more frank with her in your plan B letter and remove anything too sappy. I would say, "I love you, but you don't respect me or our marriage and the vows we took. I'm going to end contact with you to protect my emotions. If you need to communicate with me about the kids, then you can give ____ a note to deliver to me or send me an email. I'm not going to be your buddy or your friend, but I will be your husband. If you wish to rebuild our marriage, then it requires you to make a commitment to our marriage and end all contact with the OM forever."

Believe me, once you grow a pair after 21 years of marriage, it will feel good.



D-Day: 3/25/07
Me BS: 47 SAHD
WW: 46 EA PA (filed for divorce 5/30/07)
2 DD and 1 DS 15, 13, 13 (twins)
MOM: W's xboss (filed for 2nd marriage divorce 5/30/07, fired 6/29/07)
OMW: Knows (recovering from cancer)
Divorced April 2008 and happy
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Help W wife, From your signature, it does look like we have a lot in common. Thanks for the advice, I will try to put it into the Plan B letter. I need to work on the separation agreement for financial reasons. She is going after so much of my salary that I'm not sure if I can keep the house if she gets it all and I don't want to do that to the boys. She is going after my pension and wants half of all back pay from a contract dispute. I think the money should be divided by 4, it was to be used for the family, not just her and I. So I have to fight it to protect myself. You are right about love slipping away with the WAW. I am enjoying becoming who I am both mentally and physically. I would love to share it with her, but I will move on without her as well. I have had some interest from women but I am refusing to date until things are definitely done between wife and I to keep my love for her. She cannot Skype because she has no computer at home right now, my son has it and she has not internet she can't afford it. Her work is a small, 2 person office so I doubt she can do it there. She may be able to call POS there, but I don't think she is trying to hide it because she doesn't know I know how to access her call logs.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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A little advice please. I went to church and saw my wife there. I did not talk to her because she avoids my son and I. I just got an e-mail from her talking about the sermon and what it means. She talks about how I used to be a server and how my heart got hardened. She then goes on to talk about mundane things like Dr. appts. for the boys, paying bills and refinancing the house in my name alone. She talks about keeping her in the loop and how she misses her home and neighbors. I replied to her and told her of course she will be in the loop about the boys. I am doing fine about the bills and house and watching the mortgage rates. I said that I am working on getting back to who I was and better; that I miss the way I used to be. I explained that my change in personality wasn't me, but the depression; and now that I am working out of it I am now longer that way. Did I do right in my response? What does her e-mail signify? I know I can't try and understand a wayward, but she has had no contact with me in a week and then I get this e-mail that is almost sounding like she is trying to connect.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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When it sinks in that they are on their way out, they begin missing things from their old life. I wouldn't pay a lot of heed to anything unless she wants to come back to you on your terms.


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The wife is really concerning me. After the 1st e-mail on Sunday; I replied to her in a kind way. She then sent one back saying she is not a cold hearted [censored]. If the boys feel that way she is moving out of state and will be out of their lives forever. She said that she was mean to me for a reason.(How can you be intentionally me to your spouse and say you are working on your marriage?) She was just rambling on. Well last night she sends a text to my son and rambles on about how she tried to get help for me for years (a lie) and if he says the word she will never talk to him again. How she completely hates her life. She admits how bad it sucks, but she can't think about anything but moving on with the divorce. Her tone is taking on one that concerns me for her well being. It is getting more frequent and more desperate. I am worried for her, but I can't say anything to her about getting help because she will automatically reject it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Dec 2009
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This kind of behavior really messes a kid up. Get your kids help and protect them from problems and issues which are ultimately between you and your wife. It is outrageous that she would say such things to your son.

This kind of behavior loses people custody and results in court orders.

What you should do is confront her about this message and behavior and lay your foot down that you will not tolerate having the children be abused in this manner and brought into the middle of two parents ripping each other apart.

Take that message and save it for your lawyer.

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