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Hey SC! When I read about your FWH's behavior, it makes me wanna  Is he still like this? Does he STILL allow these advances in front of you, much less when you are not around? The DiD is one thing, but disrespecting your wife...that's just poppycock! SL, I am glad to FINALLY say that he has wisened up in this regards. He does not do these kinds of things anymore although it took me almost leaving to get him to start taking ACTION regarding the "friendly versus flirty" battle that we had for so many years.
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A person who REALLY needs help will take it from whoever offers, regardless of gender. Lol , Its sounds like so many people act. I am sure you realize she might have thought she were not capable, or is something went wrong, her husband might give her a hard time for letting a woman mess with the car. One of my experiences with that type of thinking was when I repaired autos out of the back of my truck. I was completely A.S.E.,(for what thats worth, ask any real mechanic) certified + other special certs, had a stellar reputation, and unlike so many mechanics honest to a fault. They would trust in a shop with shiny toolboxes and believe in stuff like "brakes forever" or whatever ploy they pulled the suckers in with. FYI the idea was once you had brakes done you would get new pads or shoes at no charge for the life of your car. Well pads cost them like $4 each cuz they bought in bulk so it really didn't cost them that much. What would happen was the other parts of the system would wear out,( naturally), and they would charge thru the nose or at least find SOMETHING to repair that cost you parts and labor every time you came back. I don't want to say they FOUND things that were really not broke, but it happens. The real issue was you were looking for a deal, and they could get your money in small doses instaed of all at once. Even if doing all the repairs at first was done, many times they found something else every time. Try to tell somebody that they are wrong about the way things look and are being taken when the price is more than they want to pay, they think your lieing and trying to take them, but they believe in free. So the lady out there is a product of both what she thinks,(that only men can change a tire), or a society that teaches that. Maybe she was hoping for a date with a guy, lol CP, I think what we are getting at is that regardless of the situation she COULD have accepted the help from the woman, however she CHOSE to wait for a man to help her, if i were in a situation like hers regardless if my h had told me not to touch the car, if i could not get in touch with him, i am going to help myself and it does not need to be a man to help me, i will take whatever help i can get. However the DiD would only accept help from a man.
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OMG Pep, you reminded me of something. My WH stopped one time to give a young girl a ride somewhere. He actually picked her up on the side of the road because it was raining. I was not with him. He came home and told me. He said, "It was raining. She was in a bad area(He is from a small town, there aren't any bad areas in my city  ). It was late and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her." I asked, "Where was she going?" He said, "She was going to the bus station to go out to another city to go to a bar with her friends." I looked at him and said, "That girl didn't NEED to go to a bar. She didn't NEED to be out in the rain. Seriously, what were you thinking?" His excuse? He didn't want to hear in the paper the next day that something had happened to this girl. He would have felt bad. Well, I could see that, it's definitely something that was a MAJOR warning for boundary issues with my WH. Totally agree Scotty, bad boundaries for sure, but how many men would do the EXACT same thing??????? But i doubt very seriously they would stop if it were another man in the same situation....
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CP, I think what we are getting at is that regardless of the situation she COULD have accepted the help from the woman, however she CHOSE to wait for a man to help her, if i were in a situation like hers regardless if my h had told me not to touch the car, if i could not get in touch with him, i am going to help myself and it does not need to be a man to help me, i will take whatever help i can get.
However the DiD would only accept help from a man. Yeah I digressed a little, but I got it. The problem can sometimes just be laziness or some other bad habit that society taught her. I know help is help, and I know she was a dipstick Did, and this thread is about DiDs and men they tangle in there web and the men that like it too and act innocent as the DiD. I'm sorry if I took it to much of topic. I thought I had it covered when I said she might have been lokking for a date 
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Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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OMG Pep, you reminded me of something. My WH stopped one time to give a young girl a ride somewhere. He actually picked her up on the side of the road because it was raining. I was not with him. He came home and told me. He said, "It was raining. She was in a bad area(He is from a small town, there aren't any bad areas in my city ). It was late and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her." I asked, "Where was she going?" He said, "She was going to the bus station to go out to another city to go to a bar with her friends." I looked at him and said, "That girl didn't NEED to go to a bar. She didn't NEED to be out in the rain. Seriously, what were you thinking?" His excuse? He didn't want to hear in the paper the next day that something had happened to this girl. He would have felt bad. Well, I could see that, it's definitely something that was a MAJOR warning for boundary issues with my WH. Totally agree Scotty, bad boundaries for sure, but how many men would do the EXACT same thing??????? I wouldn't. For one thing, I'd be thinking she'd probably consider me a potential rapist or serial killer and wouldn't get in my car anyway. For another, I'd be concerned about being named a suspect if she did turn up missing or dead. Same reasons I wouldn't stop to help a woman on the side of the road with a flat tire, either. I've also learned some harsh lessons from being used by women when I was trying to be helpful, or a gentleman, so I don't do it anymore unless I'm married to her or related to her. Otherwise, find another sucker lady. Harsh?, Maybe, but from this thread it seems to me that a lot of other married men would do well to be just as harsh.
The Macnut-42, W - 45 3 stepkids,
SDD - 27, SDS1 - 22, SDS2 - 18
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OMG Pep, you reminded me of something. My WH stopped one time to give a young girl a ride somewhere. He actually picked her up on the side of the road because it was raining. I was not with him. He came home and told me. He said, "It was raining. She was in a bad area(He is from a small town, there aren't any bad areas in my city ). It was late and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her." I asked, "Where was she going?" He said, "She was going to the bus station to go out to another city to go to a bar with her friends." I looked at him and said, "That girl didn't NEED to go to a bar. She didn't NEED to be out in the rain. Seriously, what were you thinking?" His excuse? He didn't want to hear in the paper the next day that something had happened to this girl. He would have felt bad. Well, I could see that, it's definitely something that was a MAJOR warning for boundary issues with my WH. Totally agree Scotty, bad boundaries for sure, but how many men would do the EXACT same thing??????? I wouldn't. For one thing, I'd be thinking she'd probably consider me a potential rapist or serial killer and wouldn't get in my car anyway. For another, I'd be concerned about being named a suspect if she did turn up missing or dead. Same reasons I wouldn't stop to help a woman on the side of the road with a flat tire, either. I've also learned some harsh lessons from being used by women when I was trying to be helpful, or a gentleman, so I don't do it anymore unless I'm married to her or related to her. Otherwise, find another sucker lady. Harsh?, Maybe, but from this thread it seems to me that a lot of other married men would do well to be just as harsh. Way to go MacNut!!!!!!!
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t..
Harsh?, Maybe, but from this thread it seems to me that a lot of other married men would do well to be just as harsh. Oh Don't worry, I let all the other macho dudes save the day, I only stop for people who obviously need help, like old folks. Funny thing though, most of them don't expect it, or have learned how to change a tire. The being accused thing has allways scared me too.
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When my YS needed to learn how to change a tire for Driver's Ed, I was supposed to show him what to do.
So I did.
I pulled out our insurance card with the emergency roadside number, told him to call it, and a tow truck would be sent out with someone who would change the tire for him. AAA certified at that!
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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When my YS needed to learn how to change a tire for Driver's Ed, I was supposed to show him what to do.
So I did.
I pulled out our insurance card with the emergency roadside number, told him to call it, and a tow truck would be sent out with someone who would change the tire for him. AAA certified at that!
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And he'll be providing someone with a job, so it's a wonderful thing!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Well I got him back with the whole DID thing. And her also. Unintensionally. And the hardest way possible.
The day he told me about everything and left, I took the kids too my parents because I knew I couldn't deal. Then I went to Ace and bought new locks. Changed ALL of them by myself sobbing and gasping in pain. It was late by then.
I went to sleep and woke during the night with crushing chest pain. I woke up and managed to get out the back door and fell down the steps... landing on a huge planter a few steps down. The hospital, thank God was only a few blocks from where we lived at the time.
I had suffered a heart attack and was in shock. They put me in intensive care and called my family and my other contact on the list. She was a supervisor where we had both worked... and my best friend. She came to the hospital after informing my OH SO AT THAT TIME DEAR HUSBAND, who was told by the OW who also worked there, that I was just fakeing!!!! Yeah, Sad but true.
The next morning he must have been feeling like a piece of dog dung. He came to the hosp only to have me have another small HA as I see him walk into the ICU. They promptly ushered him out and flew me several hundred miles away to a ST Lukes. I was there for two weeks. He begged my dad to let him come home and care for the boys. My dad took no pity. It was only when I got home and was recovering that we reconcilled. He still apologizes for believing that [censored] that I could possiby be FAKING SOMETHING ENOUGH TO BE PUT IN ICU!!! [censored]..
6 grands
DDay August 15,1998
Reconcilled Mid-Sept.1998
Husband40 FWS, Me 47 BW
Fully recovered and moving on!
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By the way I was about 33 at the time. And they cannot understand that infidelity TRULY breaks your heart and scars you for a lifetime.
6 grands
DDay August 15,1998
Reconcilled Mid-Sept.1998
Husband40 FWS, Me 47 BW
Fully recovered and moving on!
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... I imagine he was disgusted with himself also, I assune he came clean and you are recovered. Grats if thats the case. Well cherise.. OMG.. What an experience. Your H is so blessed to have such an intensly real and connected Wife, and I guess he knows it now. You were right, you paid for that too. People don't understand how it can hurt so deep, or why when we love somebody who has problems, why we do, but when it comes to the point where their life might be over, things really get clear. All the problems and reasons dissapear and the person becomes the one you fell in love with. You obviously loved him with such depth that he was a part of you, and the news of the betrayal did what naturally it would as if he had died, but worse, the person "inside" had died, the part that loved you, and that feels like your being is crushed. He is so so lucky to have you. You sound like you definatly have made your life part of His, without exception, connected in all ways you could imagine, that sense of commitment is powerful and real stuff. Your right, most people don't know the depth of pain, then again many don't give themselves that much. I couldn't be married without giving it all. I salute you for your courage and commitment and dare I say your wisdom to love 100% as much as you knew how, both for His sake and your own, even when it put you in peril. Real Peril, not like the DiDs we have been talking about here.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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I'm so glad I found this thread. My life the past week has been in turmoil because of a DiD. I posted a thread on the Infedelity forum called "I'm Just Sick", but as the pieces are beginning to fall into place, I'm beginning to think it was less of an EA and more of a DiD situation. (I won't rehash here...you can read the thread if you'd like).
My H went through a TERRIBLE divorce 11 years ago. Any time ANYONE male or female going through a bad divorce, he is one of the first ones to step up and try to help. While I see that as oftentimes generous and kind behavior, in this particular situation, he chose to provide emotional support to a DiD that was also a NUTJOB.
It's been really hard for me to sort through all the information and assign the appropriate blame, if that makes any sense.
I don't mean this woman was a little crazy. I mean she's a LOT crazy. She's lied about everything from her relationship with my H to her professional credentials (told him she was an RN and a supervisor and had been 'recruited' by a hospital in our town 200+ miles from where she lives.) Turns out she's an LPN in a nursing home.
I know that my H was wrong in establishing any sort of friendship with her that was not transparent, BUT I don't know how to separate the crazy from the stupid.
To top it off, my MIL (who does not like me), befriended this DiD and seems to have ENCOURAGED her to persue my H.
I don't even know how to handle that.
Any section on MB's forums that deals with InLaws behaving this way?
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...I'm beginning to think it was less of an EA and more of a DiD situation.
...My H went through a TERRIBLE divorce 11 years ago. Any time ANYONE male or female going through a bad divorce, he is one of the first ones to step up and try to help. While I see that as oftentimes generous and kind behavior, in this particular situation, he chose to provide emotional support to a DiD that was also a NUTJOB. ...
The point is that there is no situation where sharing of confidences about marriage with a person of the opposite gender is ever appropriate (unless it's in couples counseling where one's spouse is present, or unless it's a discussion with blood relatives). Once a discussion veers into sharing confidences with a person of the opposite sex other than your spouse, the conversation has already gone too far. It is never "generous & kind," nor anything other than naive & stupid at very best.
You don't ever want to succumb to the trap of trying to make distinctions, to figure out "Hmm, is she a DiD or not?" or "Is she a nutjob or not?"
Doesn't matter. If she's talking to your H about her marriage, she's simply danger, period. This needs to be internalized; it needs to be an automatic, default assessment on his part. This is what it means to have boundaries: If a woman -- any woman -- ever approaches your H to discuss marital issues, the only appropriate response is for him to say that it's not appropriate for him to discuss such things, and to suggest that she speak to a professional counselor, and redirect the conversation to something safer like "How 'bout them Red Sox?", or else just walk the hell away.
There are plenty of women who can step up to help other women with their marriages or divorces. The only woman whose marriage a man should ever be working on is his own wife.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Would any of you ladies care to opine as to the reasons that otherwise virtuous men would find themselves lured to "rescue" these extra-marital distressed damsels?
I have my own theory (Hint: it has to do with EN-satisfaction. Big shock!), but I'd like to ask the ladies here.
BTW: The converse (contrapositive?) of the guy-rescuing-gal dynamic is called the "Wendy complex". This was my FWW's issue.
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NG - FWIW - My WW has the 'Wendy complex' - never heard that before. It might even apply to the OM in my situation. Most of her adult relationships involved men who needed rescuing from something in their life. I'm the exception to that rule. Ironic, isn't it? I'm the one she's cheated on.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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