I have come to the conclusion that BS's are the only one's who get this.
I have a couple of wonderful friends who tell me the same thing; your better off, why would you want him back, etc. They completely do not understand your feelings.
Now I have a couple of other friends who have been through this and totally get it. they are much easier to speak to regarding the A.

The wounds are so deep, I'm not sure they will ever completely heal.
But I know now that I have survived (at first I did not think I would), and so have many of the BS's here; although I am now a different person.
I guess that is not a detrimental thing, I feel stronger; its just nothing I wanted.

I'm about ready for school and finished my room today, although everything is not completely ready. We're starting with a new principal and 2 new APs. I'm nervous about the year, but ready to focus on what's important. This will be my first year of teaching w/out WS with me. This will be my first year to raise my children completely alone and I must say it scares me.

How can a man leave me with four children....one being mentally challenged....and not give a care? This will be the most difficult challenge of my life. To carry on a job, family, and life without WH. Tell me I can do this!!!

The kids are with WH this weekend and DS11 called me crying. I've tried tightening my plan B, but some of those messages will just always get by because I cannot deny their tears. So here it is, DS11 was crying because he says WH was walking around the house crying about how lonely he is and that noone calls him so they can just have his phone. DS said that he just can't take it when his daddy cries.

I told him (let me know what you think) that his daddy has a choice...he doesn't have to be lonely...he can come home and work on healing our family and marriage. DS11 says that he tells his daddy that and WS says, "too much has happened" It's funny that I can forgive an affair, but "too much has happened.

Anyhoo, DS11 didn't call back, so I assume he is doing better. I try not to call when they are with their father....I don't want to interfere with his time.

Please pray for me for this upcoming year. I've so appreciated the support and guidance from this board.

I know you're in Plan B, however, you did have this contact about WH. I just wanted to share with you that at one point my DH handed me his CCs, cell phone and keys and said, "You can have them all. I'll just go away." Poor me, poor me, poor me. But you know what, that was the beginning of his downward spiral and it wasn't too long after that, that he came home.

Still prayin for the restoration of your family.

Thanks Princess,

I appreciate your prayers and I believe God can do anything. I'm really trying to tighten my plan B. I told my children that they need to limit their information unless it's something major. I guess my son felt it was major since he was crying.

I'm tring to focus on my weight loss more now. I wish I had a faster way of losing...it's so slow. I want to be 200 by Christmas and I have 30 more lbs to go. I think once school starts, I'll be more consistent with what I eat. This inservice week has been terrible and it's all I could do to just maintain my weight....everyone wants to go eat out and I must say that Mexican food is the choice just about everyday. Here in Texas, it's everyone's favorite.

Tomorrow, I'm going to church, clean bathrooms, and get kids things ready for school. I want things to go smoothly the first day.

You most definitely CAN do this. You are NOT doing this alone. We are ALL here for you.

Keep your messages to your children consistent and live your life getting through one day at a time.

You are doing so well. I believe you can reach any goal you set for yourself.

Thanks Scotty,

I'm working out a chore schedule for my kids. I have to have something in place so my house won't be demolished.

I'm going to try and just relax today.

100% wayward script.

Translation:
"I don't know whatthehell to do."
AND
"I don't want to face consequences."

Thanks Pepperband,

I wondered what was meant by that???

Kids told me they are at church this morning....DS11 said, "why now mama? Why wouldn't he go with us all these years?"

I just told them that they need to give it a chance. Not sure what to say or if I give them the right answers...I'm just trying to make sure the answers are consistent.

Perhaps rock bottom is not too far away.

Perhaps he is seeking what he thinks YOU found from YOUR God.

Perhaps he thinks maybe you had something...there...in YOUR church...that he poo-poohed all along.....


And he's going to try to see if maybe he missed something. Or maybe those denial blinders are wearing thin.


Who knows?


Don't try to second-guess him. Your answer was right. Give it a chance.

God has His ways. Maybe your WH's original not-for-real salvation is going in for a makeover.

SB

Thats a nice thought Schoolbus; I also do not try to predict what will happen and keep myself open to any possible future.

Thanks for your responses....I don't hang my hopes on anything, but God and his plans for me. I know what my heart wants, but maybe for once in my life, I should allow God to make decisions for me in regards to my future. I think too many times I've not heeded God's voice and then missed his perfect will.

I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to be wiser and not so manipulated. I'm going to be more open to what I would have normally considered.."not me".

I've had friends tell me recently that they've never seen me so alive and living life to the fullest, engaged with my children, and making decisions for mine and my children's good, not WH's good.

And this is the peace of Plan B.

As it should be.

Your clarity comes as the drama of his waywardness is removed from your daily life.


Hope your first day of school went well.

You can do this - you have proven you can, because you already are doing it.

SB

Thanks SB....it did go well although it was hard to get everyone together and going. I had to drive to 4 schools today including my own.

right now as I type this, I'm praying for God's peace and assurance with every decision I make. He's the only one who can fill my void and needs.

God,

I need your hands right now to guide my every step. Never in all my life have I had such pain and hurt and now the difficulty of raising 4 children alone. Sometimes it is more than I can bare, but then I remember your promises. The promise that you will never leave me or forsake me. You'll make my paths straight. You will deliver me from my circumstances.

I owe everything to you because you gave selflessly to me...your son and now eternal life. What should I fear? Every breath I take depends on you...."shall I accept only good and not evil?"

I will praise you in the good and the bad.

Well today has been a real whopper!!!

It started with DS10 and DS11 getting in a huge fight and DS10 punched DS11 in the nose and it started bleeding everywhere. I was in shock!! I couldn't believe they let their aggravation grow to this extent. The tension has grown between these two since WH leaving. Each has his own set of feelings....expressed totally different.

This afternoon I came home to one mess after another despite my chore list on the fridge....DS10 had made a sandwhich and a bowl of cereal...it was all out on the counter. He dumped his papers all over the floor and had several decks of cards everywhere. I took 10 minutes off his bedtime for each thing. After church, he had to go straight to bed. He bellowed and cried over this. I was also pulled out of my Bible study to conference with DS10 because he was being so rude to his teacher in class.

At one point tonight, DS10 said, "you call this a family? Just look at our family" My heart was breaking and I just can't take this anymore. I'm wondering what is going on in his little mind. I don't want to be resentful, but it builds with each passing day.

DD14 wants to get her ears gaged. Everyday she comes up with something new she wants to do. She'd get a tatoo if I let her. She's wanting piercings and anything else she can think of to cause me pain.

DS11 seems to think that WH will come back someday....his hopes have been sent high and I dread the letdown for him.

OK pity party over.

(((((HopeE)))))

I am so sorry hun. I hate what this does to the kids and the fact that it is usually the BSs who get to have the "joy" of dealing with it.

DS10and DS11 are bound to get at eachother anyways but it kills when you see the changes in them. Just keep trying to talk to them about their feelings or even see if they can get some counseling of their own. I had DS10 in it and he really got a good lesson from it. I am going to try to send him again.

As far as DD14 getting her ears gauged, I have something I would like to share with you, and maybe you could share it with her. You see, I am into the punk style. My WH had ALL different colours in his hair(even PINK) before his A. I even had black with Blue underneath. I LOVE PUNK music. I have been told that I am punk on the inside. I am not against gauging ears, but I get a song in my head whenever I see someone with it. I start to sing, "Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro...." You get the idea. There are somethings that I think you shouldn't do when you are really young and anything that would be permanent would be it.

I have always wanted a tattoo. I never knew what I wanted to get though. I wanted it to be something that I would ALWAYS love. I have now decided what to get and where to get it. I am 34 though. It is a decision made with A LOT of forethought.

I don't have any great advice for you, but you are in my prayers. I hope tomorrow is a better day!

{{{Hope}}}

Thanks everyone,

She says that she only wants a 2??? That its small, etc.. The problem I see is that she just keeps wanting to one up herself. I just let her get the cartlidge pierced and now she is wanting this. I don't know...I probably am worrying about things that are based on stereotypes, but it's hard not to.

I told her I was thinking about it.

I cried myself to sleep last night while I was praying. I'm sure God didn't appreciate my falling asleep in the middle of our conversation, but I was exhausted.

I'm signing my boys up for football after school today, so another element to add to my already crazy life.

i'm sorry to hear about all the trials you are going through. I wish i had some extra words for you but i did say a prayer for you and your family.

One thing i wanted to add about the gauge issue you were talking about. I wanted you to think of it this way. When ppl get their ears piecrced it is with a 22 gauge or there abouts. The small the number the bigger the hole. As scotty said it is permenent. I too was very punkish and it is still there on the inside but in my profession not sure people would like to see a "holey" medical professional giving out medical advice to them, so saddly i have to remove my various piercings :o(.

HopeE, I was thinking about your sitch with DD14 and the gauging thing. Have you asked her why she wants to do it? Have you made her really think about it? What are the laws like where you live? Does she need your permission until she is 16? 18? Maybe you could explain to her that laws are there to protect people. Maybe you could do some research on it so you are fully prepared for what she is going to say. You don't want to argue with her, but you want her to understand your position and know that you understand hers(sound familiar?).

I know as a mom, our first reaction is protection and we can't see past it. She sounds like a good kid. You must have done a lot of things right. Remember, she is transitioning into adulthood. She wants to be taken seriously, and she doesn't want to be treated like a child anymore. She still needs guidance, she knows that, she just wants to believe that you see that she is growing up. KWIM?

As STB4 said, sometimes the choices we make hinder what we can do in the future. Give your DD14 things to think about too. She might also be gauging(ALL pun intended) your love for her. It is possible that she has seen her father change so drastically that she is making sure you are still the same. She could also be hoping that you are so distraught that you will go along with all of her whims.

Take care. I will be thinking about you.

My youngest daughter decided she wanted to get her lip pierced. I objected. Finally, when she went off to college, she did it because "she could" and I couldn't stop her.

It swelled up, and she kept it. I said nothing. I hated it, but said nothing. About three weeks later, it was gone. She took it out because, and I quote, "I'm a singer, and it was getting in the way." That was my LOGIC in the first place, DUH.

She had to come to it herself.

At 14, your DD is trying to figure out a way to distinguish herself. A tattoo, piercings, hair color, whatever it is, some way to stand out and be UNIQUE. My kids did this too.

My oldest wanted really short hair to be unique. I mentioned that she would be unique "just like everybody else".

I told each of them a story about herding sheep (yes, anyone who has herded sheep understands just how silly they can be). I explained how sheep all tend to look just alike, and how much they are FOLLOWERS. One sheep will follow whatever another sheep does, and it ends up that the entire flock can be made to do something completely stupid, if you can get just one sheep to do it.

I told the TRUE story of this flock of sheep my friend LeeAnne had in high school. LeeAnne liked to mess with her sheep, because working the flock was, let's say, WORK. So, to make it fun, she would play with them as she moved them from one field to the next.

She would open the gate, and let a few sheep go through. Then, she would tap the legs of one sheep as she passed through the gate - and that sheep would jump. The next sheep, seeing that the sheep before her jumped at the gate, would jump too. Soon, all the sheep were jumping! For no reason, except that everybody else was jumping!!!!

It was funny. LeeAnne could get the sheep to sit or lie down, to walk over to one side of the corral, whatever. Just get them thinking that that's what "everybody" is doing.

Then, I explained that when they transport cattle in a truck, they can load a few cattle into the truck and that is fine. Cattle ride okay. But when they transport sheep, they have to pack them in as TIGHTLY AS POSSIBLE. Because, if ONE SHEEP moves to the left of the truck....EVERYBODY MOVES.....and the truck can turn over. Truth.

Sheep.


So, how much of a follower are you?


Can you point to the sheep in your first period class? And, how much of your desire for gauging (or a tattoo, or green hair, or Doc Martins, or....the newest trend) is sheep behavior and how much is truly YOUR expression of YOU being your unique self?

My oldest did only one thing - the haircut.
My youngest did two things - brand name shoes and the lip piercing.


Other than that, they were not sheep. And they UNDERSTOOD sheep and sheep trends when they saw them!

SB