I hope you find comfort on the path you choose to walk while you are waiting for answers.

Kayla, I hope so too.

I got a letter from my son today. He wants us to see if we can send him a deck of cards, a notebook so he will have something to write in, and a "Book of Mormon." He also suggested we get DS 16 a copy of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" because he thought it might help him. Okay, who replaced my goofy, immature kid with this wise, smart adult? I really miss him.

See.... there ya go. All that worrying about what it would be like for him over nothing. Sounds like he's adjusting just fine.

Okay, I'm pretty sure I know what I NEED to do, but I'm not quite sure HOW to do it.

DS 21 has decided to use us as a doormat and I'm getting pretty sick of it. A few weeks ago, we spoke with him about starting to pay rent and rules of the house we expected him to follow. The conversation went well and he agreed to pretty much everything. Problem is, we haven't seen a dime from him yet and he's broken most of the "rules" we gave him. August is almost over, and I'm tired of asking him for the money.

One of our rules was that he ask before he invites any friend over to the house, and no friends staying overnight on weekdays because of my H's work schedule. About 6 days ago, my son's best friend (the one who had been staying the night frequently and prompted the above rule in the first place) got kicked out of his house. He graduated from high school a year ago and hasn't worked or gone to school since, so his parents kicked him to the curb. Guess where he ended up? My son just moved him into our house without even asking us. He didn't even tell us his friend had been kicked out until last night. He was just pretending that the friend was staying over for a few days. Now, the friend is living in my house, eating my food, and bathing in my shower.

This friend comes from a very well-off family with a nice big house on the hill, fancy cars, and plenty of money. And here we are, barely able to put food on the table, living in a crappy neighborhood in a little house, and supporting THEIR kid. I don't want to turn this kid out on the street, but we CANNOT afford another mouth to feed.

So, I know the friend has to go. I'm pretty sure even my son has to go, because this is NOT working out. But how do I do it? It's one thing to talk "tough love" but it is so hard to turn your own child away. I'm willing to give my son a reasonable time to find other accommodations (though I doubt he can afford to rent anything on his salary) but the friend has to go NOW. How do I handle this in a way that doesn't permanently damage my relationship with my son? I love him and I want him to be happy and self-supporting.

The smart aleck in me wants to suggest that you ask the family that kicked their son out how to do it.

You simply tell your son, you agreed to X, and you are not following through with your part of the agreement, so we are no longer going to welcome you in OUR home. You have until 5pm on Friday to pack your stuff up and be gone.

If you will not do this, we'll rent a storage unit, put the stuff in there, pay the first months rent and you'll have a month to get it out before you own on the unit.

Good Luck, XOXOXO, Mom and Dad

Writer it would take a pretty ballsy guy to to continue to stay in your house after you tell him he must leave.

"I'm sorry for your situation, but we cannot have you stay here anymore."

If he doesn't leave, you'll have to call the cops and report a trespasser.

As for your son, Enlightened Ex has the right idea. Your primary concern must be those members of your family who are not actively trying to s--ew you. For now, that apparently does not include your son. It sounds harsh, because it is. This is a matter of survival. Yours, and your family's.

IOW, you don't have the luxury to be too concerned about your rel-ship with your son at this particular moment.

I'd tell your son that you think it's great that he wants to help out a friend in need, but caution him against enabling his friend to continue being a bum (or whatever nicer word you'd want to use). That it HURTS people to enable their bad behavior. Try to get him to really see that point: that enabling his friend to not work or secure his own place is HURTING his friend more than helping him. It takes away his ability to grow up and become a full adult who takes care of their self.

Once he buys into it and agrees with you, say, "Oh, I'm so glad you see it that way, because I'm going to stop hurting you, too. Get out."

Okay, so there's no nice way to do this?

I was thinking we could just move into a one-bedroom apartment. Once he has to spend a couple of nights curled up in the bathtub, he'll probably leave on his own.

The reason I suggest the harsher route is that this situation shows, unequivocally and absolutely, that your son has absolutley ZERO respect for you. Not even one little iota.

This is not a 15-year-old who brings home a stray. This is, suuposedly,an adult male.

Any attempt to soft-pedal this will completely backfire in your attempt to make him take you seriously. Which he, clearly, doesn't.

My son staying here wouldn't bother me too much under two conditions:

1. He follows the rules we set forth, including paying his rent on time.

2. He has some sort of plan for the future and a timeframe for that plan (going to school, getting a better job that would allow him to support himself, moving out).

So far, he doesn't seem to have either of these things.

W1:

I always mention boundaries to you.

The Boundaries that you are unwilling to enforce. I'm not going to beat you up on it, becasue I have almost 18 year old who I think will end up on our couch for a long time to....

You came up with a plan ofr your son, and he agreed to that plan, and he has ignored the plan, and moved his friend in...

Now, I think kindness to those in need is an appropriate action, but it is in complete contravention of the rules that YOU have set.

So, you have to enforce your rules. What was going to happen, and was it described and agreed to with your son, if he DIDN'T follow the agreed to rules? Then you have to do that.

If you did NOT discuss potential consequences, then let this be a wake-up call to ALWAYS discuss the consequences when you discuss boundaries with your children...

I would call up the parents of the boy sleeping at your house and ask them to come get him. And if not, then you are going to deliver him to the homeless shelter in this town or the next one over becasue he is not allowed to saty at your house any longer.

You do NOT have to have this discussion with your DS21. Just have it with the parents of the boy, and then let the visitor know that the "staying over" is over.

And BTW, your DS 21 will be pissed. Just let him know that the three of you had already agreed to the "no guests" policy and after the "friend" is gone, we will be discussing HIS STATUS.

Your son does have a job, he is underemployed, but many are in this economy, maybe in your discussion with the other parents, you can ask if they would front the costs of an apartment for thier son, that your son can be a roommate with him, and help with the costs, and maybe the "friend" will find a job to keep this place....

LG

I Like it.

Except that from everything writer has said about her son, the chances that he would get actually onside with the broader ideas being pitched to him are slim to none.

He'll see this as a lecture, and just roll his eyes.

Meanwhile, writer looks weaker and weaker in the relationship.

I do have difficulty with boundaries.

I have difficulty with being assertive.

I generally try to be "nice" and want everyone to get along.

I have always been a "peacekeeper."

None of these things seem to be working particularly well for me anymore. They probably never did.

I do want to change. I don't quite know where to start.

I fear, writer, that it will take you getting more and more miserable in your home life before you will make any changes.

You are an intelligent person and you have agency. Somewhere inside you, you have decided that you are simply unwilling to carry out this decision which, logically, you KNOW is necessary.

Now, as to where to start. Common sense might say to start with something small, e.g., not cooking dinner for your son anymore. But, really, the situation seems too far gone for that.

Checking out the Boundaries book by Townsend would be a good start.

It IS time to kick the little birdy out of the nest, or make him start feathering it too. I have seen so many young people allowed to feel sorry for themselves and live of thier parents cuz life didn't turn out the way they wanted, Well Mom and Dad do them a great injustice when they protect beyond what they should, There is no reason he can't pull his own weight and if you don't INSIST he does , he will miss out on being responsible and accountable.

You have to tell him to go and don't buy any bull. You can give him time to leave but he needs to get out on his own. Maybe he will learn integrity if he has a chance to develop it. He wont if he continues to use you and you let him because you give power to the crap he might believe, that he is powerless to help himself and that he is a loser that needs help. If he lives it, he will believe it.


There, is that blunt enough?

The day before my 18th birthday my mom sat me down for a talk (18 was then legal for all things). I was two months into my senior year of high school at the time. What she did, was lay the ground rules for our "future" together as adults. It went something like this.

I was welcome to live at home to finish my senior year as long as I followed their rules.

I was welcome to live at home for holidays (summer and Christmas) as long as I was a full time student and had a job.

Otherwise, I was on my own.

It was simple and clear.

I plan to do the same with my own children. I never felt hurt by this conversation. She just set the boundaries and I was clear about what they were. It made things simple

yes LLF, its a kinder way to go don't you think?