Thanks again Sapphire and Melody for your words of advice and encouragement throughout my crisis.

It's very weird to me to follow this thread and see the quick progression of events unfolding online in real-time. If two weeks ago someone wouldve told me it would all end with my wife lying to me and our kids about her whereabouts and going to spend the night with a 24-year old kid (12 years her junior)who actually still lives with his dad, I would've never believed it!!! The fact that I KNOW IT as reality now, puts to death the fantasy image I've been clinging to about my wife for three years. What a liberating feeling.

Thanks to Steve Harley for his counseling and the extra time spent with us over the past week or so. I would do it all over again to keep my family intact. The counseling was not wasted on me.

GOOD FOR YOU! You will always learn something when you counsel with the harly's maybe not in this relationship but in the next one

Have you filed yet?

What are your plans?

Right now I'm just glad to not be living in the land of uncertainty and gloom. To finally let go of this fantasy notion of my wife as a "good" person, has brought me a large measure of relief.

I will likely be filing for divorce soon. The situation is tricky. I am the primary caregiver for the children and have been for the past two years. My wife is the primary provider. This was a mutually agreed upon arrangement that has worked very well for the kids and both of us, up until now..

Since April, we have lived in a house that belongs to my mother (the one referred to in earlier posts!) We currently have one vehicle. My wife is staying with a girlfriend right now. We do not currently have the income to afford two residences. We live in a fairly expensive city. Even one bedroom apartments in our area can go for $1200 per month. All of these were factors brought up in counseling with Steve. Financially, logistically we are in a situation that is not conducive at all for separation. Never mind the primary concern, which is/was the children and the basic family unit.

My wife and I talked to our two older children (14 and 12) yesterday. I asked them first what their perspective was of mom and dad thru their childhood and up until the present. They both universally blurted out "loving", "sweet", "close" etc... My wife then informed them that Mom and Dad were having "problems" and that we would no longer be together. My wife thought presumptuously that the kids would instinctively know she's been unhappy in the marriage and that they would "understand".

They obviously didnt. She was dead wrong on that one.

They had a look of utter shock and despair that mirrored mine when i found out about her affair three years ago. It was a simultaneous expression, with jaws dropped of "WHAT????" I wanted her to provide a better, more precise explanation and she actually went on to hang herself by telling them it was her own choice. She didn't want to be with Dad anymore, she was choosing to leave, etc... The kids were devastated. The look in my 12-year olds eyes I will never forget. She begged him not to hate her.

She has so compartmentalized her waywardness, she still thinks her behavior ultimately only affects ME, that the children are some separate entity not affected by her personal choices and behavior. I think my 12 & 14-year sons would tell you today how untrue that is.

Our younger two children (7 & 5) still do not know. My five year old daughter repeatedly asked me last night "where's mommy???" We will have to tell them soon. But tomorrow's the first day of school and my daughters first day of public school/kindergarten. They have enough on their plate right now.

Selfishness is an absolute cancer.

Tread you are so better off without this woman in you and your children lives, it sounds like she doesn't even CARE what she is doing to her children! When I read your post, my heart went out to your children, how heartbreaking this is, all because your ww is soo selfish. The reason why my heart hurts from this post because I realized that I was SOOO close on losing my own kids, because of my selfishness. and it hurts reading this knowing that my kids would have been affected on my own stupidity.

I am just soo thankful that I was able to get out of that fog and "SEE" the reality of things.

TY for your post.

ugh, your poor kids. Did you tell them about her affairs, Treadwell? They should not be given be given false explanations about the breakup. If you don't tell them the truth, they will be vulnerable to lies she tells them. You can also expect her to introduce your kids to her affair partner in an attempt to normalize her affair. Dr Harley always recommends telling the kids about the affair.

I will post some of his comments about this subject.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Treadwell, I will add my own experience as the child of a serial cheater. My father was a serial cheater and my mother never said anything about it. Her silence was an endorsement in my mind. Unbeknownst to her, my father introduced me to his OW when I was 4. [and this is very typical wayward behavior] I sensed something was wrong with this deal, but since no adult validated my instincts I came to the conclusion that I must be a very stupid girl. I grew up profoundly morally confused. Nothing made any sense.

When children have one corrupt parent, they desperately need one parent who will be truthful with them and validate their instincts giving them moral guidance.

Dr Harley speaks often of his grandfathers affairs and how being open with him as a child made a profound impression on him. He saw the devastation the affairs left on his family and pledged to never have an affair when he grew up. He calls it a life changing lesson.

Children can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies.

No, not "we." You, alone, need to tell them, and fast, before your wife spins it any more than it already has.

Sadly, you guys aren't a team any more, and these are not steps to be taken together.

I agree, tell your children, they have a right to know what she is doing to their lives, WHY it is she is leaving them.

Also, for your own health, you MUST get checked for STDs. It seems your wife has been craving a Secret Second Life since her last affair. She succeeded is gaslighting you to believe she 'deserved' it. I wouldn't be surprised if she's NEVER spent a night 'sleeping at work'. This is the second act of adultery THAT YOU KNOW OF. It is very likely there are more.

She is engaging in dangerous, high risk behavior. Getting her out was absolutely the smart thing to do.

Your children need you right now, you need to ensure you are healthy. Please get yourself checked.

As for your youngest children, they are old enough to be told the truth, and they desperately need it. They will be lost and confused without it. It can be simple:

"Mommy isn't here anymore because she has decided to have boyfriends. You can't have boyfriends when you are married. So she has left."

She is a serial adulterer. You need a DARK Plan B from her ASAP. Do not let her get her family fix from you at all. File for legal separation, if you can, and get the D underway.

The sad thing is, due to the financial situation your children are going to have to learn to live with a drastically reduced lifestyle. Divorce hurts financially. There is no getting around that. You can make this transition easier, by being open and caring with them. By loving them and continuing to provide some security in their home life by maintaining as much of their routine as possible.

I'm so sorry it has come to this.

Your wife is going to get a rude awakening. It is crazy to me, these dumb waywards who are convinced all their kids want is their happiness. I see the advice given on mommy boards "your kids need a happy mommy so go ahead and leave your husband, go ahead and date X loser". BS... kids could care less at age 12 if mommy is happy, their primary wish is a safe and secure home.

Treadwell, start documenting EVERYTHING... the good and the bad. As the primary caregiver, you want to establish that you are just that and that the children's "best interest" will be served by having them stay put with their dad. Your wife would probably be ordered to pay child support. Start keeping a daily record (without any emotion) of the kid's activities, when you take them to appointments, etc., when mom shows up or doesn't show up. This will be important when it comes to custody decisions.

Good advice Vibrissa and Princessmeggy-- thanks.

She is in a full blown relationship with this 24-year old guy (she's 36) that lives part of the time with his dad. It's beyond my worst nightmares. She is doing moral gymnastics, compartmentalizing things and thinking her behavior is only affecting her and that it has no impact on the kids or her ability to be a mother.

Ideas on exposing to friends and family?

I met with her Dad today and talked to him. He was under the impression (from her!) that I just wanted out of the marriage too. I told him about her new boyfriend and her lies and behavior and he about blew a gasket.

Others are on my list today. Tomorrow, perhaps HIS family and coworkers.

Treadwell, good idea. I would get as much done as fast as you can so it hits her like a tsunami. The OM's family is a PERFECT exposure target. It also doesnt give her a chance to pre-empt you. As expected, she told her dad alot of lies.

Please encourage everyone to speak to her themselves. Hopefully, she will listen to someone.

And PLEASE tell your kids. [ALONE] Giving kids false explanations about the breakup only teaches them dishonesty and leaves them vulnerable to her lies. Your wife should be put in the position to explain to your kids why she is leaving the marriage for her adultery. They should be encouraged to ask her all about her adultery.

Keep it going! Expose to everyone you know! Just email all of them all at once giving them the evidence. Let them know what she is doing.

OK... need advice here!!!!

She is still in the affair... I have NOT filed for anything yet but I'm talking to some people with the idea of doing that this week. She has nowhere to stay tonight and wants to come to the house and sleep on the sofa. She says she is working on her own place. Questions:

1) I do not want to start a battle royal with my family (they own the house we live in and think she can do no wrong)... so WHAT LEGAL RIGHTS DO I HAVE RIGHT NOW WITH REGARD TO HER AND HER COMING TO THE HOUSE? Remember, she is the primary provider in the household...i know, scary.

2) Of course she thinks her current affair behavior has no bearing on the children. She thinks it is simply her isolated choice and only affects me. WHAT RIGHTS DO I HAVE IN REGARD TO VISITATION AND SUCH, GIVEN HER CURRENT STATE? I want to be firm but not vindictive-- for the kids sake.

DO NOT LET HER BACK IN!!

That will be your biggest mistake.

You need to consult a lawyer ASAP about those two very good questions. I think that without a court order or LSA of some sort, you have no legal way to deny her entry to the house. There was another BH here who was in the same boat with his alcoholic WW, and he actually took his DD and moved out.

You could call OM and tell him to come pick up his trash.

Or, better yet, call OMdaddy and tell him...

Treadwell,

Our younger two children (7 & 5) still do not know.

They need to know, then have them ask your wifes father, where is Mommy. I think in this case your FIL might be more of a deterrent to OM than you are.

God Bless
Gamma

But the issue is whether I have a right to deny her entry. I just spoke with someone regarding legal advice and it appears that I may not be able to bar her from entry into the house or visitation, even though I find her behavior reprehensible. Her presence does not technically jeopardize the health of the children.

Treadwell, i think she might be discouraged from coming back if you would stop protecting her in front of your children. She has been allowed to spin the truth to your children. And that only teaches them dishonesty. How anxious will she be to sleep on your couch [while carrying on like an alley cat in heat] if the kids are asking her questions about adultery?

That is her plan. To use your house as a flop house while she cats around. And you can't stop her legally without a court order.

I would a) expose to the kids tonight and b) go file for divorce in the morning and ask your attorney to get her out.

If she stays there she will kill you with a death of a thousand cuts because I assure you, she will be dating other men and rubbing your nose in it.

Bump to see how you're doing?

Horrible.

She didnt come home from work Wednesday night. Didn't call, didn't text. Just a no-show. She was with the OM and of course I confronted her about this. I told her how I would not protect her any longer from the children;s questions.

She has no remorse, no regret, no sensitivity to how this is affecting the kids-- obviously. It's like talking to a wall. I don't really have the money to file for divorce right now. It's all pretty bleak.

I have informed all family members and some friends. Trying to locate some more data on him today so I can inform his friends and family.

Wiped out, brethren. Wiped out.