WTH? According to your own siggy, WH's A was in 2010. His last post was in 2008. Of course he doesn't say anything about his own A because it hadn't happened yet.

He wrote his thread when he was in PAIN and had just discovered your A and the fact that OC was not his and you call it his "own little pitty party".

Really F4F... stop it.

What he just post on here yesterday and last month 7/10.

So the son is not his then?

correct DS isn't Hs bio child

Your husband has taken a severe blow. SEVERE.

Here let me repost his thoughts/words - that you so casually have dismissed.

"we stole his first son/first born"

"took him for a fool"

No, it does not excuse his affair, but THIS is not just an 'issue' of his. A 'hangup'. Something HAS been robbed from him.

He may not overcome this. He really may not. He may never be able to see and raise this boy as his own.

You have to accept that as a possible consequence of your affair.

Where is your sympathy for him?

Yes, I know - you have been betrayed now too. Yes, he has a lot of work to do... but realize - he may not WANT to, as he, too, has been betrayed. It doesn't make his adultery right, ok, or even justified.

It just is.

Wow really. I have been on getting advice, I have been doing my best to meet all Hs EN, I have bee trying to heal my M. Why is my A always so much worse (because I had OC yes I know) it wasn't my intention to. If i had known back then, YES i would of aborted (sorry to say). I kept OC because I truly thought it was Hs. Yes that is my fault and yes I have to life with that fact for the rest of my life.

I messed up yes BUT I will not be made to suffer for it the rest of my life and I will not give H a free pass on his A due to mine. H was not using protection, his A could of easily led to OC or STD and could still possibly I just found out a month ago about the A. I did get tested but will have to be retested in 6 months to be sure and OW could be prego who knows. Then what we'd be completely even. I mean of course mine is always going to be worse due to OC being born but it don't excuse what H did and H choose to stay and raise OC and even have another child afterwards.

No one said it was worse, no one said he gets a free pass. Drop the defensive attitude.

You gotta work on YOU. He gets to work on him.

Working on you means accepting your husband has taken a HUGE blow - one he may not be able to recover from. Where is your sympathy for him on that?

Yes, he cheated. No, he doesn't get a free pass. Yes he has a lot of work to do. He needs EPs and a plan for recovery, which includes meeting your needs.

However, if you can't seem to muster up the slightest bit of sympathy for HIM and HIS loss, you're gonna get nowhere.


This isn't about EVEN. The fact that you even think it is will hinder your recovery.

This is about RECOVERY.

I completely agree with this. F4F, your own selfishness and demanding behaviour are destroying any chance you have for recovering your marriage with this man.

Your posts are always the same:

H doesn't work with YOU, doesn't give YOU what YOU want, doesn't make YOU happy.

YOU immediately become angry and frustrated and throw a fit because YOU didn't get what YOU wanted.

If you want to fix this, you will have to STOP the demands and STOP concentrating on what your husband is doing. You will have to worry about what YOU are doing to make things better, WITHOUT WAITING TO GET YOUR REWARD AND GETTING FURIOUS IF YOU DON'T GET ONE.

You don't seem to realize - or else you don't want to realize - that 99.999% of all men would have walked out on you and never looked back once they realized the massive deception and betrayal you had pulled on them.

Your husband stayed, but he is a broken man. No doubt his affair is a form of punishment for you, but you know what? You will never even have a chance to deal with his affair if you don't stop heaping the damage ever higher every day, because your marriage will be over anyway.

Now: You have a choice to make.

You can either go on whining, b*tching and complaining about what HE isn't doing and how YOU are not getting what YOU want and filing your posts with ME ME ME (which is all your husband hears, too.) This is creating a terrible environment for all of you, including your poor children.

Or

You can

SHUT

UP

(yes, I said SHUT UP)

STOP whining

STOP complaining

STOP throwing fits

and START simply doing the right things as an honorable wife to fill his ENs and make your home a peaceful place.

the bottom line is: If you don't learn to have empathy for your husband, and you keep on with "waah, what about ME ME ME ME", you WILL lose him. He will simply not come home one night and that will be the end of it.

First Test: If you come back here and post a long defensive diatribe about ME ME ME and look what I am doing and I I I I I I - then that just means you STILL don't get it.

Try coming back here and posting what Plan A things you did today WITH NO DEMANDS ON YOUR PART AND NO EXPECTATION OF REWARD.

You say you want this man and we are trying to tell you what to do to have even a *chance* of keeping him. But we can't do it for you.

This is soo foggy I can't even read it!

Ok sorry if I get on here to vent. I'm not making demands of H. Now when I get on here to vent YES I am upset and YES I do complain. Sorry, I guess I'm not allowed that. But at home, I'm meet Hs EN, I'm not starting arugments with H. I do calmly try to talk to him about my feelings and triggers and YES H does turn it back on me. So yes I get it that H isn't ready. And I do get the Hs A was most likly revenge for mine. H even stated that he choice OW cause she was similar to OM (except female and married). Which is alittle distrubing.

However, I'm not me me me at home but yes when I get on here it's to vent and it comes across that way. because inside I am very mad and upset but I do my best to be calm at home and do what I need to do for H and my M. Yes I get mad when I'm doing what I need to do and H doesn't, it's wrong to me. Yes I know most men would of left. H said he would of had he found out 5 yrs ago when it happened. And yes H had every right to leave 2 yrs ago when I exposed myself and we did the 1st DNA test. BUT H CHOOSE to stay, H CHOOSE to raise OC as his own, H CHOOSE to have DD a yr later. I didn't force him to do any of that.

I guess since I seem to come across as only concerned about myself than I'll stop venting on here and just talk to family to vent. I have become very angry over the past month (due to the lack of NC and still contiunes since the transfer hasn't happened yet). So yes I'm mad, sorry. I do my best to not show that anger towards H and contiune to meet Hs EN regardless. Now yes I did say I needed the NC and for the time being that H stop all converstations with all females outside of direct work related issues. So those have been my demands I don't think it's alot to ask.

Just so I claifiy I shouldn't get on here to vent? Even if I'm doing everything right at home (H even said so) and I get on here to vent. I should stop. Okay I get it. Fine I'll stop.

You know it could have been A LOT EASIER if you had LISTENED TO US TO EXPOSE 2 MONTHS AGO!

But no, you decided to keep it ALL in and feel resentment towards your husband.....how is that going for you by the way?

My apologies for getting the date wrong, I was reading the wrong thread.

I agree with the others though, you have got calm down and start thinking about what you're doing and saying and how it comes across. We don't even know you, can you imagine how it must sound to your husband?

LOL yes SR I know, I know and yes I did this to myself by not exposing right off the back. As i've said before thou adultry in the military is a punishble crime and can be a career ender. I just wasn't ready to do that and wanted to find another way. So I know my anger is my own making. I guess I expected H to be where I am now right off the back and that's just dumb. I know it's gonna take time that's why I'm not saying all this at H and venting on here but yea I guess H gets on here and reads what I post and it's just not helpful. So I'll have to find else where to do my venting when I'm angry. It is stupid when I know H can get on here a see what I say. I guess I figured this is where I would get the best advice on how to cope with my anger and all and what I should and shouldn't be doing.

Things are just hard right now and I'm truly doing my best to do what I need to and stay calm towards H anytime I try to talk to him. I guess since H never truly dealt with his issues regarding my A and just pushed everything inside as his way to deal with it we are now faced with trying to help H cope and Hs own A which of course leaves little room for me being allowed to deal with my own issues becuase of his A since I'm expected to help H due to mine. It's just a big mess.

F4F, you need to listen to these vets and do YOUR work. Don't act childish and say, "Fine, I can't come on here and vent, WAH WAH WAHHHHH." Remember, we all have BS meters on here and we are trying to help you. We all want the same thing for you, a happily recovered marriage. We can only point things out to you, you need to do the work.

Now, as far as what your WH says on his own thread, STAY OFF OF IT. Time and time again, couples are told to stay off of each others threads. It is for the same reason that DrH doesn't council a couple together. You both need to do your own work without LBing each other.

What everyone is trying to say to you is that you need to clean up your side of the fence. You need to become truly remorseful for what you did and understand that even if this marriage ends in divorce, one thing will still be true, "YOU COMMITTED ADULTERY WHICH RESULTED IN AN OC." How are you going to fix that in you? How are going to ensure that THAT doesn't happen ever again?

It is not that you aren't allowed to vent about your WH and the fogginess that he is in. You need to be doing your work as well. ALL BSs on here are told that they need to look at themselves and change what got them there. It is a part of the MB program. You aren't allowed to skip it and you are even less allowed because you have your own A to get through.

DO THE WHOLE PLAN. Just like when we suggested the exposure at the workplace, we aren't going to let up on this one. You have a choice, you could start listening now, or in a couple of months when your WH is out the door.

I know this is hard work, if you aren't up to it, you can give up now. Will you be able to love with yourself?

I am remorseful for my A. And yes I know there is no way to fix the fact that OC was born from my A. I have put EPs in place to ensure another A isn't going to happen from me. I am doing my best to work on me and be the best wife I can be for H. I just need to get more patience. I have a tendency to lash out (i'm working on it thus the RX i got yesterday). I am a very emotional based person so i'm always all over the place, sorry (again i'm working on it). I know R will take time. I'm trying I really am and again I'm working on getting my emotions under control but it'll take up to 2 wks to start seeing any benifit from the meds. Hopefully everyone don't disown me and give up on me before then. I will do my best to stop the constant venting and try to better think before i start typing everything that pops into my head

No one is saying that you can't feel or think what you do. They are just trying to get you to see something. It would be best for you to listen to what they have to say and do what they ask. You never know, you might learn something.

ETA: Hint, there might be a reason they asked you if you read LB yet.

WOW, I want to publically say I was wrong and I'm sorry. And PM (princessmeggy) you right when you were reading the thread. I saw it up at the top of the page because someone else recently posted on it. The thread I was SOOO overreacting to was from 2 yrs ago.

*EGG ALL OVER MY FACE*

I'm glad I didn't come home and start yelling at H. That would of been bad. WOW I really need to pay more attention. Again I am so sorry and I feel like such an a$$ and a complete idiot right now.

I just wanted to point that out. Again PM you were so right. Now H did post on here a month ago and yesterday but that wasn't the thread I was reading when I was overreacting. You were reading the right thread. Sorry.

Well, the past 2 days have been going good actually. H has been helping me with the kids alot more. Helping around the house.... it's great! Like last night we were eating dinner and his ssgt called him but he missed it and instead of just calling him right back H asked me first since we were eatting. H wouldn't of done that before and wouldn't consider my feelings, so he is doing alot better trying to think about my feelings first. Things are far from perfect but we are doing alot better.

Hopefully we can keep this up.

Transfer Monday.... YAY!!!! The whole command knows now that H is leaving. So it actually seems like it will be happening. The only sucky part is H was gonna be in charge this next class and he was waiting on that to happen cause it would look great on his fitrep and help him on the boards to pick up ssgt. But oh well I'll take the transfer over him becoming a pc (plt commander) any day.

Well, I just wanting to give everyone an update on how things have been going. And again I'm SOOO SORRY for yesterday's drama fest. I felt like such and idiot and H was messing with me too last night over it.

H has been transferred....YAY!!!!

Things have been going really well between H and I. Meeting eachothers ENs.

On another note DS started preschool today....sorry I'm so happy about that.

I know H hasn't been posting on here but I'm not sure if he has even been on MB at all. I'm going to let him know that he's had some replies on his post on the other forum and let him decide if he's going to continue to post on here or not.

With the transfer comes alot more time at home. Less hours at work and no more duty every couple days. Alot more family time. I work on the weekends now in the morning so H is spending more time with the kids alone. Which is something they all need (kids and H). H seems happier and less angry.

I want to thank everyone who has put up with my rants. I know we still have a long way to go but we've started out ALOT better this time around than the last. Going to contiune to go to MC now that H will have more time off.

Well, things have been up and down. Been going to a MC who is real good. But now H is going to NY for work stuff. leaving tomorrow and comes back Sunday. I'm just not there yet and I don't trust him. Him leaving out of state for that long makes me very uncomfortable but there isn't anything I can do about it either. I've tried tossing in the idea of having a good friend of mine watch the kids for the weekend and I go with H to NY but that's a no go for H. "It's for work not for sightseeing and besides they are paying for everything and we don't have the money." I guess i'm just expected to deal with this too.

Also, I still get the feeling that H isn't really sorry for what he did,only sorry he got caught and the only reason he is still here "trying to work thru everything" is because he is afraid that i'll go to his command and tell them everything if he tries to leave. (which isn't untrue) The only reason I haven't gone that far is because the transfer did go thru (even though he is still within walking distance from OW) and that H is here and I don't want to hurt my family just for revenge.

Everytime I tell H that something makesme uncomfortable or uneasy when it comes to his work the first thing out of his mouth is "it's my job, it's manatory, you act like I have a choice, it's the marine corps you were in you should understand.....etc" not i'm sorry lets try to find a solution. It's always him him him. Now at times things are great. I mean before this whole NY thing I was fine. Well except when there is a function like the marine corps ball that OW would be at that I told him if we go I can't promise I'll be able to keep calm if I see OW but again all he said was the same thing then got an attitute with me because I told him I wasn't going and he wasn't going without me. I mean why would he want to put me in that situation? The ball isn't until later this month but I already told him we aren't going. But that was taken care of but this leaving to NY thing bothers me. I'm just not there to trust him to be gone for that long out of state. I'm I overreacting? D-day was just July 20th and not 100% sure about if NC has ever been done since as I said they work so close to eachother. I asked H to do the NC letter but never happened.