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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
What you should do is confront her about this message and behavior and lay your foot down that you will not tolerate having the children be abused in this manner and brought into the middle of two parents ripping each other apart.

Take that message and save it for your lawyer.


ITA!!

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No, personally I don't like your response (regarding depression). It tends to confirm her infidelity choice in her foggy mind. You may have been depressed, but that doesn't justify her infidelity; that's her fog. Don't reinforce her foggy views. About the only thing that you might say is that your committed to meeting her needs and you know you've made too many withdraws from her love bank, but she must severe all contact with the other man forever. After that you would continue to meet her needs (plan A) through communication with her that doesn't degrade you.

If you aren't already, then you'll be amazed at how this pathology is identical from couple to couple. I found a lot of strength in reading other historical posts on this forum. You'll see how marriages are saved and lost. If you aren't already doing this, then I would recommend reading other posts particularly ones from that have been resolved one way or the other. Your situation will be earily similar to most others on this forum.


D-Day: 3/25/07
Me BS: 47 SAHD
WW: 46 EA PA (filed for divorce 5/30/07)
2 DD and 1 DS 15, 13, 13 (twins)
MOM: W's xboss (filed for 2nd marriage divorce 5/30/07, fired 6/29/07)
OMW: Knows (recovering from cancer)
Divorced April 2008 and happy
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
The wife is really concerning me. After the 1st e-mail on Sunday; I replied to her in a kind way. She then sent one back saying she is not a cold hearted [censored]. If the boys feel that way she is moving out of state and will be out of their lives forever. She said that she was mean to me for a reason.(How can you be intentionally me to your spouse and say you are working on your marriage?) She was just rambling on. Well last night she sends a text to my son and rambles on about how she tried to get help for me for years (a lie) and if he says the word she will never talk to him again. How she completely hates her life. She admits how bad it sucks, but she can't think about anything but moving on with the divorce. Her tone is taking on one that concerns me for her well being. It is getting more frequent and more desperate. I am worried for her, but I can't say anything to her about getting help because she will automatically reject it.

This is fog babble, rambling about things tha may ave never happened and justifying the result of her bad behaviour. I would take HTLD advice and try to protect the kids from this type of stuff. Do they see through the lies? I hope they do since they live with you.

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What she is doing is trying to emotionally blackmail her own children. They need to do what THEY think is right and let the chips fall where they may...you need to do the same thing. If she wants to cut off her own children, there is nothing anyone can do about it, but it's a double edged sword that would hurt both her and the kids. You cannot let her control you or them though with her insane threats. This is highly manipulative and WRONG!


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Well she doesn't want custody, they are with me full time. The older one has slept there twice in 2 months; the younger one never and barely talks to her. There is not 2 parents ripping each other apart; I am always trying to be civil to her. No LBs. But the fact that she says she is willing, and telling her own son and myself that she will move out of state and be out of their lives forever; I just don't understand it. How could you want to lose any relationship with your own flesh and blood. She is really not thinking straight and I wish she would get counseling; but I can't tell her that. Her family should step in, but they don't want to get involved. I guess it's better to let her make the biggest mistake of her life than have her mad at them.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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The coaster is going up again. The wife called last night to tell me she wanted to take the dog for a walk this morning. She was very pleasant and we talk for a few minutes of small talk, how was work, how my excise was going, etc. No anger, nothing.


ME: 48
WAW:47
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Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Keep it up! Keep going till you can't take it anymore laugh Your doing good!

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 08/27/10 03:25 PM.
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She sounds very unbalanced. Do you think her parents could help her avert the biggest mistake of her life?


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The problem is, it was her mother who mentally abused her growing up and she isn't all there either. Her dad died 18 years ago. Her mother and brothers don't want to get involved. As dysfunctional as their family is, they don't want to make it worse. They are afraid of making her mad and having her not talk to them. When we were first married, she didn't talk to her mother for 2 years because of the way her mother treated her.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Well I suppose there's no help there then. It could well be her mother that's molded her into who she is today. I guess all you can do is what you are, but I still would enact Plan B asap to protect your love for her and also to show her what life without you will be like, I'm afraid of her cake eating.


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I am wondering if your WW has a surrogate mother, someone who she adopted that she felt was more a mother to her than her dysfunctional biological mother. It could be a neighbor, a church friend, or a co-worker. This person might have more influence over your WW, she is the person you need to work with.

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I have tried talking to our neighbor. She is about 15-20 years older than us and WAW is close with her. She doesn't want to take sides/ get involved because her and her husband are friends to both of us. WAW still sees her at least once a week, but I have no idea if they talk about it. She is also a divorcee and remarried so she thinks that it is okay to end marriages if it isn't working. I tried to talk to her about WAW's EA but she wouldn't listen/ believe it, so I don't know if she would listen about wife's irrational behavior.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
When we were first married, she didn't talk to her mother for 2 years because of the way her mother treated her.


I don't speak to my mother right now because of the way she treats my wife and I. It's not a sign of being unbalanced or quick to anger. Sometimes, you have to enforce a boundary in order to preserve what love you have for a person, otherwise they walk all over you.

In other news, people having an affair -- even those who've claimed to have recently ended it -- move out for exactly ONE REASON: to make time for their lover(s). Period. End of story. Every other excuse is hogwash, and you shouldn't believe it. Make your plans with that perfect knowledge in your mind.

Plan B exists for a reason, and the main one is to preserve YOUR love for your spouse from their crazy-making affair-related behavior. You can step off the roller coaster and refuse to ride it until your spouse comes to their senses.

Last edited by Doormat_No_More; 08/30/10 12:44 PM.

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Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
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Doormat,
For now, the roller coaster is okay; as long as I keep in mind that that is who she is and don't let it get to me. I am planning for a Plan B. But everyone who I talk to who knows us see her irrationality. They all see that she needs help and tell me she's been this way for years. If I Plan B her too soon, she will use that as a sign that I left her and use it to stay angry and continue on down the path she has chosen. I believe that the more she sees my changes and how I am doing a great job of maintaining the house and raising the boys, the more she will miss us and rethink it. I just need to make sure she's not cake eating. We have had more pleasant conversations of late with few angry words and she hasn't twisted things around.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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As proof of this, last week she changes the password for our wireless phone online account. She said I don't want you having full access to my phone records to make things up. On Monday, 6 days later, she called and gave me the new password. She called me this morning and we were discussing the weather and she told me that she went running this morning. She is starting to tell me about her current life and connecting with me. So if I can avoid her cake eating, I see progress.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
As proof of this, last week she changes the password for our wireless phone online account. She said I don't want you having full access to my phone records to make things up. On Monday, 6 days later, she called and gave me the new password. She called me this morning and we were discussing the weather and she told me that she went running this morning. She is starting to tell me about her current life and connecting with me. So if I can avoid her cake eating, I see progress.

This gaslighting is a good sign. She may realize that she needs you so she can continue to cake eat. However, I do not advise trying to get her back in this state. It would be complete havoc for you. I still reccomend plan A until you can no longer take it. Get her to come back for a good plan A, but if you cant handle it anymore then plan B with no support and no contact with her.

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Wheels,
I don't want her to move back right now. I would like to try getting together/dating with her first and have her go for counseling at the same time. Once she starts getting help and begins to reconnect with me, then it would be time for her to come home. If she comes home before then, I'm afraid that we would go right back to the same thing. Although legally I could not stop her if she moved back in today, I would not encourage her to do so.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Well, let's see what happens, my new attorney has contacted hers and notified her that she is now representing me. Let's see what that does.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Maybe it'll make it all seem more real to her and she'll stop and think...don't bank on it though. You need to focus on what YOU need to do and not worry about HER response. She's a wayward, you can't figure them out or predict them.


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My younger son agreed to have dinner with her Sunday. She made one of my son's/family's favorites. After dinner she sent the leftovers home with him, specifically for me. Again she is flip flopping back and forth.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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