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Originally Posted by silentlucidity
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Yes they maybe excuses but its still our life that we share together and its rather jam packed?!?

Find way to UNjam pack it. That is the point. There are things that you can stop doing outside of the family, until such a time that your family, the most important thing you got going, is safe and sound. Right now, you are not doing that.


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but every medical person Ive seen likes me and trusts me as i come accross as sane/calm and clever.

put this into context. These medical professionals don't have you under any real stress or scrutiny...your wife does. You will not react in their presence as you do with your wife behind closed doors where you allow poor behaviors more than you would with colleagues or docs.

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Not that simple, wife has poly cycstic Ovarium Syndrome and suffers with cronic fatigue. Plus her way of dealing with sadness is to escape to our bedroom, plus we work oposite work shifts so our schedule is tight.

Again, this is an excuse. Have either one of you considered either cutting back your schedules or changing your careers? There's more than one way to make these changes. That's what POJA is all about. If you are stretched to thin, find a way to make it work. NO EXCUSES.
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Not as overnight as that though.

You are not telling me or most here anything we haven't been through or already know. Every good plan starts with step one, and takes a great deal of time to implement. Gotta start NOW.

Im not going to quote this in bits as its a good, fair repsonse.

Most of this needs to be discussed with my wife smile

Thank you for responding again


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Y-E:

Your so full of it your eyes are brown.

You assault your WIFE three times within a matter of minutes, and its her fault.

She asks for a simple apology or she is calling the police.

And you couldn't even manage an apology then...

Withholding the "simple apology" is an extreme power trip. You will APOLOGIZE when she BEGS FOR IT. Maybe when you have her on the floor with her hair twisted in your left hand, and your finger in her face with your right, and you say "Here's your sorry, RIGHT HERE"

Sorry, pal. You should be locked up. Anger management classes, and maybe long term parole. Loss of your job, and your family. You are NOT worthy of them.

All your claims of being a peaceful "kumbaya" kind of guy went out the window completly and utterly with your A's, and your later actions.

You don't want your WIFE on MB because she doesn't "toe the line" for you anymore.
You rage and blame others for YOUR ACTIONS.
You escaped serious criminal sanction because you assulted your WIFE, and not someone else, like a waitress or a store clerk. Your actions, if with someone else, would have probably resulted in involuntary imprisonment charges, (When she tried to leave and you blocked it..) and if not 2nd degree assault, 3rd degree assault.

YOU, SIR, ARE ALREADY A MONSTER.

You should be groveling in front of your wife for her forgiveness.
You should be thankful that your not sharing the 12x7 with "Bubba" right now.
You should be DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to fix yourself.

Not knowing HOW to apologize... What a crock.

You can't apologize because you feel YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

And THAT sir, makes you a MONSTER.

Your Wife should RUN, not walk, away from you with the kids.

LG





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Dang LG.
Just, DANG!
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LG, our resident UPS man, always there with a prompt delivery. Bravo!



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Silent and Pep:

I am afraid for BH28. Seriously afraid.

Y-E says what needs to be said to others, but withholds that from his Wife. His actions speak much louder about the actual inner turmoil.

I fear for BH28....

LG



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If you wont quit drinking, then do your wife a favor and just leave. I don't care if you only drink twice a year....

IT

IS

A

TRIGGER

FOR

HER!!


If you can't even DO THAT!! Then there is nothing else I can say.

Good luck and god bless your poor wife!

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I read yllan's post earlier and composed my thoughts during lunch... got back and - I have nothing to say.

LG you hit it right on the head.

Yllan - only YOU are responsible for your behavior.

You are incredibly unsafe for your wife. Incredibly. You have a lot of work to do and she shouldn't have to be around for it.

Your posting here has only demonstrated your self-absorption and the danger you pose to your wife and family.

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YOU, SIR, ARE ALREADY A MONSTER.

You should be groveling in front of your wife for her forgiveness.
You should be thankful that your not sharing the 12x7 with "Bubba" right now.
You should be DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to fix yourself.

Not knowing HOW to apologize... What a crock.

You can't apologize because you feel YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

And THAT sir, makes you a MONSTER.

Your Wife should RUN, not walk, away from you with the kids.

It can't be said any better - being emotionally backwards is no excuse, it is a convenient cop out for you to keep from having to take any accountability for your actions.

Your wife needs to leave you. If you loved her, you let her.


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Hi everyone
I think on this occasion its appropriate for me to post on his thread to make sure you are all ok and to say thank you for your concerns, I agree with everything said on here as it has truth in it however I would like to clarify something as WS is now frustrated and going off MB again when I have worked so hard over the past week to get him to come here and get some help again.

I am not sticking up for him but i beleive in fairness and as much as i am really appreciating the 2x4s he is getting right now and hoping the wake up call will follow it would not be fair for me to let them happen without explaining that i do not think he is an alcoholic, i am happy for him to drink at home with his friends once in a while (and i mean once every couple of month) he is generally a happy drinker however after the assault I will be asking him to refrain from drinking until he sorts his issues out as I will not want to be in a position to risk him getting violent for any reason. I am not happy for him to drink at hotels/bars/pubs away from home as this is a trigger for me and i do not want the next excuse for and affair to be "I was drunk" so thats the deal.

Violence wise what he did was unacceptable and it still shocks me to the core its like adding insult to injury but i have to be fair and say that this type of behaviour is not the regular thing for him it has become gradually more present since the affair but the latest escalation is the end of it. HE WILL LOOSE his job wife and kids should he ever touch me again. I might be in love with him but i love my children more than to subject them to a life with a wife beater. His emotional abuse however is an issue and that needs to stop before destroying our family.

Please take the above information into consideration when talking to him as he was such a nice gentle caring person before the A and it pains me to see him labelled as an alcoholic or regular wife beater as up until now he has been nither of these things however without help i can see he will be.
thanks


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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I will email your wife.

Have a look at this webiste - find out if you have something similar in your area.
Dom Violence support


This has been good for both of us (I don't attend)

Anger management and books helped to some extent for my H as did regular counselling.

But the thing that has made real difference is the Perpetrators of Abuse course that he is doing.

Until you realise that your actions are your responsibility you will be a risk to BH28 and your children.

The scene that you described made me feel sick, made me physically tremble - I have been in the exact same position as BH28 being pinned up against the wall.

The best thing my H did was move out and gather his thoughts and book himself on the course.

I also have a shelf full of books that may help you _ I will post them to you and one for BH28 too. Your wife now has 2 very serious things to recover from.

Please be a man and move out - show her that respect.

Last edited by staytogether; 08/26/10 01:49 PM.
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Originally Posted by Brutallyhonest28
I would like to clarify something as WS is now frustrated and going off MB again when I have worked so hard over the past week to get him to come here and get some help again.

It is not your job to smooth things over with him. He is a big boy - you aren't his mommy. He is getting frustrated and about to backslide on progress and so you are scrambling to 'make everything ok' for him. You are keeping him from the consequences of his actions. You are hindering his progress.

If he quits MB again, it is HIS fault, not yours for not smoothing things over well enough, and not ours for giving him an honest and true analysis of his behavior.

You need to STOP doing this for him BH. He is an ADULT. He doesn't need you to 'fix' things for him.

If he quits MB again and uses this as an excuse, you know then that he has no interest in changing. You have said yourself he has never had to face the consequences of his actions. He doesn't have to - first his mom, and NOW YOU fix those consequences for him. All he has to do is throw a little fit - and you swoop in to 'save everything' for him.

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i am happy for him to drink at home with his friends once in a while (and i mean once every couple of month) he is generally a happy drinker however after the assault I will be asking him to refrain from drinking until he sorts his issues out as I will not want to be in a position to risk him getting violent for any reason. I am not happy for him to drink at hotels/bars/pubs away from home as this is a trigger for me and i do not want the next excuse for and affair to be "I was drunk" so thats the deal.

You should NOT be ok with this. He is incapable of drinking responsibly. You are enabling his misbehavior.

STOP IT.

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this type of behaviour is not the regular thing for him it has become gradually more present since the affair but the latest escalation is the end of it.

It is escalating, and it will get WORSE. He has had to bear almost NO consequences, and none of real merit, for his action. Again. As long as he is protected from the consequences of his action he will continue to act as if others don't matter - because they don't.

YOU are playing into this dysfunction. STOP IT.

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HE WILL LOOSE his job wife and kids should he ever touch me again. I might be in love with him but i love my children more than to subject them to a life with a wife beater. His emotional abuse however is an issue and that needs to stop before destroying our family.

He should already lose his wife and kids. He does nothing to protect them from his abuse.

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Please take the above information into consideration when talking to him

We can, and should only consider his CURRENT behavior. He is not who he was before the A, he is who he is NOW and that person, needs a LOT of work. Work he has to do on himself. Work you cannot do for him.

LET HIM do what he has to do.

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as he was such a nice gentle caring person before the A and it pains me to see him labelled as an alcoholic or regular wife beater as up until now he has been nither of these things however without help i can see he will be.


It isn't WILL BE. He IS those things. Hit your wife ONCE and you are a wife beater. Lose control while drinking, you will continue to lose control.

HE HAS A PROBLEM.

Smoothing things over will only exacerbate the problem.

He needs HELP, he needs HONESTY, he needs a mirror held up to his face.

YOU should not be making excuses for him.

Why is it ok for him to be a one-time wife beater but not a 'regular' wife beater? ANY wife beater is not ok. It would mean something if he were actually remorseful and repentant for his act, if he were seeking help to change his behavior. But he isn't. He is blaming it on you, the family situation, the color of the sky...whatever.

And you - the codependent wife are rushing to sooth his hurts, to make it all ok for him.

BH stop this, please.

Let him feel, for once, the consequences of his actions. He will never learn otherwise.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 08/26/10 02:04 PM.

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vibressa i get the message loud and clear thank you again


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Originally Posted by Brutallyhonest28
Hi everyone
I would like to clarify something as WS is now frustrated and going off MB again when I have worked so hard over the past week to get him to come here and get some help again.

BH28: Just so you know, I have followed your sitch since both of you arrived here.

I really thaought that Y-E was going to "get it".

He hasn't, and apparently, has gotten WORSE.

And any request by HIM to YOU that he needs to be "Plan Aed" in order for this marriage to survive is just about the lowest of the low.

HE SHOULD BE PLAN Aing YOU! To the extent that it HURTS.

He can leave MB. That is HIS choice. HIS CHOICE. He can come here and post, and maybe start seeing how messed up he really is. His actions towards you since the affair have been shocking and as far from an MB recovery as I have ever seen here, (With both spouses being aware of MB principles).

BH28: I have apologized MANY times for my actions when I was in my affair to my BW. I have held her while she cried from the pain, and tried to sort it all out, and I have felt the sting of her angry words. I have continued to apologize, 5 YEARS later..... When ever she has something that triggers, or hurts, or just gives her pause, I talk to her about it, and try to MAKE HER PAIN LESS. NOT ADD TO IT.

He will use these 2x4's to try and further isolate you. He will use these 2x4's to to say that it hurts HIM.

So WHAT.

When he comes here, and shows some REAL REMORSE, and some REAL ACTIONS to fix what he has done, then maybe, just maybe, he WON'T get a 2x4 from me.

Until then, he can rot next to "Bubba." Your FAR to valuable to be yoked to this guy.

And this isn't about alcoholism, or anything about that. I can see some parallells, but this is much more different than that.....

LG





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BH28, your WH abused you. He is who he is right now. He isn't who he was in the past. You can't fix the PAST. You also shouldn't be on this thread trying to make us back off of your WH. You should probably stop reading his thread all together. He's a grown man and can speak for himself.

If your WH is going off of MB, it says to you and all of us that he is not in this to do the hard work. He needs to take the initiative to change his behaviors. Maybe you are unwilling to stop trying to control him and see him for who he is. He is not who he WAS...he is who he IS...TODAY.


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Again .... DANG LG!
Just ....... dang


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Pep:

WOW! Two Dangs in a row!

blush

LG

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I have alot of posts to catch up on and no im not running from MB but you guys are obsessed that I drink too much or am a drunk - get with the programme ITS NOT TRUE - I badly worded my initial post and again IM SORRY but geeze enough.

Yes I got her to post as i cant spend my life answering to an issue that ONLY YOU GUYS ARE MAKING AN ISSUE???

Seriously I cant talk about the ridiculous drinking anymore is laughable.


As far as the violence goes, yes what you are posting is acceptable but I accept my physical behaviour was wrng and disgusting and unnacceptable and have apologised for it and will continue to do so as I do regret it. Yes ive chnaged since the affair so I understand you guys are looking out for my wife and kids - I get that.

But its ridiculous that everyone is only focusing on the drinking - NOT AN ISSUE and the violence - YES A BIG ISSUE that I promise I will look into over the weekend. But can some other advice please be given as from all thats been said so far the only constructive thing I've gained is whether I should get my wife a sat nav or a map??

If your going to post please advice on more than the obvious?? I cant respond to 100 posts about the exact same thing, otherwise my copy paste buttons will become worn out.....


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
I accept my physical behaviour was wrng and disgusting and unnacceptable and have apologised for it and will continue to do so as I do regret it.


Funny - you've apologized for the abuse, but the affair, that is 2 years old - you're 'working' on that.

Don't you see how unsafe you are?


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The affair is a biggy but right now, he needs to ensure the physical safety of his family and deal properly with that.


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Originally Posted by vibrissa
Funny - you've apologized for the abuse, but the affair, that is 2 years old - you're 'working' on that.

He is not remorseful for the affair...because no consequences have occurred for that. He IS sorry for the physical abuse cuz he was sent to jail and could lose his job...NOT because he has terrorized his wife and forced her into submission. He's even got her fighting his battles on his thread. What a wimpy thing to do.

COME ON! Waiting til the weekend to find a solution for your abusive nature? Seriously? What's the excuse for waiting...cuz your behavior has already told us that you've got an excuse for almost everything...even if you won't admit it out loud...you are thinking it.

Man the hell up! Get to fixing what is broken and stop making excuses and putting it off...hoping that your wife will submit and you won't have to grow the heck up


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Y-E:

That is all you got from all that?

That you have a drinking problem and a domestic violence issue?

How about this:

You refuse to accept responsibilty for your actions whether you have struck someone or slept with them.
Refuse to do the most basic things to show your wife that you "may be getting it"
Think that things are "really great" in your marriage, simply because your getting YOUR WAY, and BH28 is being agreeable?
Your more concerned about losing your job since YOUR ACTIONS may result in your release from your job.

And you still can't say your sorry.

The man doth protesth to much...

Had "Bubba" wrapped you around one of your prison cots for 10 minutes like you had done to BH28, you WOULD BE FURIOUS, and DEMANDING THAT "Bubba" be cahrged with all manner of crimes.

Yet you minimuze your crime: "I will look into it over the weekend"

Before or after the football match? I'm a ManU fan myself.

I might get an answer for that one...

And if ANYONE in MB land has BH28's email, please be sure to remain a lifeline if at all possible. It could be an ugly weekend...

LG

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