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Yes I said I would look into Anger management over the weekend as I said im trying to spend time with wife tonight, tomorrow morning my wife and I are off to a wedding and not back till saturday afternoon. So yes I felt the weekend was a fair statement??

And AGAIN...if you actually cared about what you are doing to your wife and marriage you wouldn't make any excuses for avoiding finding a solution to this problem. All it seems that you care about is getting away with as little effort as possible.

Your ACTIONS show that you don't care. Talk is cheap.


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ok, I realise my attitude isnt going to get me anywhere the way I am at the moment.

I came back for advice and I dont want to be sucked into a war of words.

Some of the posts today have been genuinely helpful and I should be focusing on them instead of the easy responses to posts that have frustrated me but in fact arent getting me anywhere.

Unfortunately its getting late here and I wish to spend time with my wife so I wont respond now but over the weekend I shall pick out the useful posts and respond honestly and without attitude to them....

LG you seem like such an intelligent man with a wealth of knowledge and I would love to chat to you more, this maybe wrong but do you think we can talk civily rather than 2x4's. I absorb better when I understand something than being shouted at thats all.

I know a lot of waywards shock/snap out of it when being slapped with 2x4's but I prefer things to be explained so I can absorb thats all. I would genuinely appreciate this.

Sorry Ive singled out LG, there have been other good posters today and I promise I will revisit - probably on sunday.

Sorry about attitude, hope we can start again.

p.s. Vibrissa your posts are constructive and will definately respond to you on sunday.


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
I absorb better when I understand something than being shouted at thats all.

I'm certain your wife feels this way as well. Exactly this way.



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Look for perpetrators of abuse courses too. Anger man is a good place to start until you can get onto a perps course.

But the most important thing to do is get on a perps course.

ALthough my H has been given the all clear to graduate he is thinking of repeating just to make sure it is ingrained.

I am quite sure he will help you with UK based resources. If not I will help through him - if you ask...

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Originally Posted by staytogether
Look for perpetrators of abuse courses too. Anger man is a good place to start until you can get onto a perps course.

But the most important thing to do is get on a perps course.

ALthough my H has been given the all clear to graduate he is thinking of repeating just to make sure it is ingrained.

I am quite sure he will help you with UK based resources. If not I will help through him - if you ask...

Thank you, handy talking to someone in the uk too.

I used to know this but who is your partner please??


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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He doesn't post - only reads where I post

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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
ok, I realise my attitude isnt going to get me anywhere the way I am at the moment.

I came back for advice and I dont want to be sucked into a war of words.

Some of the posts today have been genuinely helpful and I should be focusing on them instead of the easy responses to posts that have frustrated me but in fact arent getting me anywhere.

Unfortunately its getting late here and I wish to spend time with my wife so I wont respond now but over the weekend I shall pick out the useful posts and respond honestly and without attitude to them....

LG you seem like such an intelligent man with a wealth of knowledge and I would love to chat to you more, this maybe wrong but do you think we can talk civily rather than 2x4's. I absorb better when I understand something than being shouted at thats all.

I know a lot of waywards shock/snap out of it when being slapped with 2x4's but I prefer things to be explained so I can absorb thats all. I would genuinely appreciate this.

Sorry Ive singled out LG, there have been other good posters today and I promise I will revisit - probably on sunday.

Sorry about attitude, hope we can start again.

p.s. Vibrissa your posts are constructive and will definately respond to you on sunday.

Y-E:

Yes, I wielded by far the biggest 2x4 at you, this time.

And you deserve it.

Some waywards "snap out of it from 2x4's" but you need to "think" about it?

You have BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT FOR OVER 10 MONTHS.

Stop thinkisng and START DOING.

Stop thinking and DOING WORSE, and START DOING BETTER.

The one thing I do know since you have been here is that you keep trying to take the focus off of what is important, YOUR ACTIONS, and try to divert them to something else.

More later...

LG

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First a quick recap. On Thursday night I delivered a genuine heartfelt apology to my wife for everything I wished to say sorry for. Its wasnt a smooth evening and was understandibly difficult for my wife but we got through it and ended up having SF before falling asleep in each othrs arms.

I have asked since how she feels about the apology and although she says it wasnt perfect, she recognises I tried to meet her needs and overall she is willing to accept it although of course she needs to hear it more for it to become fully trusted.

Ok Its now Sunday and we're back from wedding as expected. We had a nice time and my wife may have stumbled accross a great job opportunity, but I'll let her post about it.

Wedding was beautiful, reception was perfect. We didnt know anyone except the bride but we managed to fit in and make some friends through the night.

Wife was generally ok with the hotel stay in the evening as we were so tired we fell asleep quickly. However in the morning she struggled badly with triggers and flashbacks, we spoke about a few issues to try and aid her recovery from this horrible situation and went down to breakfast so she could have a break. We left the hotel and enjoyed some time shopping and even found a car boot sale (favourite activity lol) to wander round.


As stated im going to look into Anger management today and make a list of courses and specialists to talk to first thing tomorrow morning (guys its a Sunday - NOTHINGS OPEN so dont judge me)

Will post back here my findings.


Originally Posted by staytogether
Look for perpetrators of abuse courses too. Anger man is a good place to start until you can get onto a perps course.

But the most important thing to do is get on a perps course.

ALthough my H has been given the all clear to graduate he is thinking of repeating just to make sure it is ingrained.

I am quite sure he will help you with UK based resources. If not I will help through him - if you ask...

Would be nice to get information from someone who has already gone through this, especially in my area too.

See you a bit later


p.s. please dont shoot the messenger but its a bank holiday on Monday so expect results on Tuesday instead :-s

Last edited by yllanoitomE; 08/29/10 08:36 AM.

WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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What I've found so far:

Many forms of therapy and counciling - the best probably being the following:

http://www.priorygroup.com/Location...rapy%20and%20treatment%20programmes.aspx

In terms of courses, by far the best is this, but the cost is phemomenial and and least for now out of our price range:

http://www.beatingangerbromley.co.uk/anger-management-courses-bromley-bexley


I will contact the Priory for an initial assessment on Tuesday (Monday bank holiday here) and report back.

Please if you know of anything else let me know, I will continue researching myself too.


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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Sounds excellent, keep up on the anger management, and proving to your DW that you are willing to do anything to get your marriage back on track.

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yllan - apologizing once wont be enough.

You need to cultivate an attitude of humility and remorse. Now I'm not saying you should feel guilty, but you have to look at yourself and ACCEPT that you have done some horrible things.

Guilt is not a motivator, it is a depression rooted in self-pity. It is 'wo is me'.

We don't want guilt.

We want remorse. Remorse is a motivator. It is an acceptance that we have committed a horrible wrong that creates in us a desire to put that wrong right.

Guilt puts the focus on us - remorse puts the focus on the one we have wronged.

You probably feel tons of guilt and don't understand why your wife isn't appeased. That is because she doesn't want guilt. She wants and needs to see remorse from you.

Remorse will make it impossible for you to NOT meet her needs. You will be falling over yourself to do so. You will leap at the opportunity to make her world pleasant.

Your apology needs to be SHOWN in every act you commit for your wife.

This is not to say you will be punished for life, but your wife needs to see that you GET what you have done. That you UNDERSTAND how badly you have hurt her.

Remorse.

Get rid of the guilt. All it does is make you feel self-righteous.

Focus on loving and serving your wife. One meeting every one of her needs.

I know you went down the list of her needs. I suggested you put together some lists of ways to meet affection and ways to admire her, ways to give her compliments.

Every morning when you wake up, give her affection. Every day before you leave for work, compliment her. At least once a day text her with something you admire about her. In the evening when you get home, your FIRST action is to go to her and give her some affection. Do this again before bed. Affection the way SHE likes it. When you get home spend a few minutes talking about HER, what you think of HER, how HER day went. Be positive and complimentary.

This will go a LONG way to meeting her needs.

You need to develop the HABIT of meeting these needs. It will be awkward at first as you learn, but over time it will be second nature.

Your wife is tapped out. She really is. She needs YOU to do some heavy lifting emotionally right now. She needs to see consistent, loving action on your part before she can begin to let go.

Get rid of the emotionally backward tripe. You aren't emotionally backwards, and this isn't hard. You just gotta DO it. There really is no 'thinking' involved here. There should just be a willingness to actually GIVE to your wife - with no expectation that you GET anything in return. Your wife has given you TWO years of pain, she needs you to carry her while she recovers. She needs you to step up and be the strong man she needs to get her through this pain and anguish. She needs to know she can trust you so she can let go her anger.

Remorse, yllan - and humility. Use these tools to encase your wife in a healing web of love.


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Bump - you feel like working on your marriage today yllan?


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right update,

didnt get to call the Anger Management facility yesterday as it was a crazy day from start to finish as im sure my wife has covered on her thread. Ill address that after my update on my plan.

Contacted Anger Management today and found out process and costs. Whether you go through GP or go privately there is a initial assessment by a consultant which costs �300. From there he decides if you need one 2 one sessions which cost �125 per session or group sessions which are slightly cheaper but she didnt specify.

Apparently if I go through my GP its possible to ask for NHS funding if the GP and then the hospital trust believe its valid. Im not sure of exact critia for this whether its based on wages or not, but obviously im going to have to try this route as there is no way in hell we can currently go even close to the sort on money needed to fund a successful programme.

Im still registered with a GP near my parents house as its a good GP and they are rare these days, however I have to pretend im living at my parents or they wont have me there. My wife and kids are registered locally which is convient but the GP isnt great. However they do know the family history and were involved in medicating my wife after the initial D-day.

So, when I went to my GP after D-day and the following year to try and get therapy for myself it was a nightmare, because im unemotional and calm the doctor just would not believe me and even with my wife there begging still didnt offer my therapy and just time off work. I had to give an oscar winning performance just to obtain therapy in the end.

So after talking with my wife I've decided to register locally and hope that by talking to the female doctor there and her knowledge of my wifes situation and heartache plus the violence and the police caution plus the kids in the house that she will be much easier to win around and hopefully recieve funding.

So will talk to local GP in an hour or so and as soon as Ive registered and the notes brought accross I can book an appointment and keep you updated from there.


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Continue pursuing Anger Management therapy.

However -

I think we should discuss your nascent EA with the foreign exchange student. I am interested as to why you didn't bring it up if recovery from your AFFAIRS is important to you. Why you thought saying:

Quote
as im sure my wife has covered on her thread.

was enough to settle the issue.

Would you like to elaborate? Would you please explain to me how this behavior fits in with your plan for Extraordinary Precautions? Would you please detail how this behavior demonstrates to your wife you are a safe man to share her life with? Would you care to explain yourself?

I'm listening.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 09/01/10 08:26 AM.

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....The silence is deafening....


wait - y'all are in EEEngLaaaahhhnnnd...maybe it's the middle of the night.


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No, Vibrissa, it's primetime over there right now. There's another reason, as you guessed.


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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
Continue pursuing Anger Management therapy.

However -

I think we should discuss your nascent EA with the foreign exchange student. I am interested as to why you didn't bring it up if recovery from your AFFAIRS is important to you. Why you thought saying:

Quote
as im sure my wife has covered on her thread.

was enough to settle the issue.

Would you like to elaborate? Would you please explain to me how this behavior fits in with your plan for Extraordinary Precautions? Would you please detail how this behavior demonstrates to your wife you are a safe man to share her life with? Would you care to explain yourself?

I'm listening.

I did state right after the part of the paragraph that you decided to clearly disect that I would update that seperately. This is because I was typing a quick update as we were going out and knew I wouldnt have enough time to cover the topic fully.

Originally Posted by imanotherone
No, Vibrissa, it's primetime over there right now. There's another reason, as you guessed.

Yes there was; my wife, the kids and I went out to buy the last few items of school clothes as the kids go back in a few days and then went to a park for them to burn off some energy. Is this ok???

Im going to spend this evening with my wife and first thing tomorrow morning once the kids are settled I will come and cover the situation fully.

Please dont make a comment about not puting the effort in unless I should have left my wife to go alone to post on MB??

Support starts at home surely??


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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You take the TIME to post an excuse about how you don't have enough time to post?

Quote
Please dont make a comment about not puting the effort in unless I should have left my wife to go alone to post on MB??

I don't have to - you've made it for me. Though I'm sure your wife would like you to actually work on MB.

Amazing how you manage to turn all your excuses into blame on your wife.

But whatever.

It isn't my marriage you're destroying.


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Perhaps E-B would feel better if he vented to the skanky exchange student instead. I'm sure he doesn't get any pushback or calls to be accountable from a haggy young thing like that. He's making all kinds of wise choices here.


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ho hum more sarcy comments for me to rise to and waste my time with.... not anymore

So as wife and I arent getting on right now I've decided to spend some time on here talking to you guys while she relaxes with a book next to me.

So to the update on the foreign exchange student:

Well just to clarify as everyone is using this term she is nothing of the sort. She has been a friend on my side of the family for just shy of 2 years and lived in the uk for about 2 years also. We have only known her for approx 1 year. She works as an nanny and having lost her job with a live in family moved in with us. This was about 4 months ago. Before she moved in my wife made her aware of the affair and every gory detail from it and everything that had happened in our family since.

So the above doesnt change what happened but you might as well have slightly more accurate facts if its going to be talked about.

Upon moving in we agreed she wouldnt pay rent but when not working she would help us out as with 4 kids and 3 jobs help is better than money to us. We never expected anything of her and what we needed we asked for and agreed between us. She doesnt like relaxing and so very often ended up cleaning/cooking etc etc.... (important later not now)

My lack of progress regarding meeting my wifes EN's stems from me continually trying to meet HER EN's the way I want my EN's met. My idea of caring for my wife is making sure they arent suffering on a daily basis (expecting quotes from here), i.e if shes shattered (poly cycstic ovaries) I will make sure she rests at all costs regarding of what I have to take on or suffer myself. If shes hungry etc.. ill get her whatever she wants. But to her these things mean nothing as she doesnt want them or do them for me.

The friend "formally known as the student" cares the same way I do and so her doing this for the whole family made it easy to understand her and be able to talk to her. I did break my boundry by discussing my marital issues with her which I realise and knew was wrong but I struggle so much sometimes I need someone to talk to who understands our life. Its easy for friends or people on the outside to appear to understand how busy and full on our life is with 4 boys under 10 and 3 jobs working opposite hours. Not to mention the health issues in the house plus the affair aftermath. But not easy to PROPERLY understand. Thats why when someone comes along that sees our life for what it is I end up talking to them. Yes maybe for sympathy but also for realism something not offered by the vast magnitude of people who try to input in our life.

Throughout the 4 months she was with us I continually asked my wife if she was comfortable with me and 'friend' as I was worried because of what had happened with the previous female friend of the family that I also broke my boundries with and my wife felt that I was too close with. She always reassured me that she was happy and I always explained why I asked.


So back on track, I did b***h about my life, marriage and wife! to the friend and so did my wife and she played the fence sitting game telling my wife "why doesnt he do more" and then telling me "You do too much, what more does she want". My wife found out about this and fairly requested we stop; which we did.

After I completely messed up my attempt of an apology my wife was understandily frustrated and requested that I do it properly and understand what im apologising for or get out of her life as shes fed up of being let down by me. I was panicking big time and had ended up taking some books in my work car so if i got some spare time (something I do get quite often in my job 10mins-1 hour) I could put some effort in to it.

This particular night I had stopped in a petrol station late before heading home to have a think about the apology. I was panicking and texted "friend" for a break (mentally). I asked what she was up to. She said she was having trouble with her man (ask if more info needed). I sent her a message along the lines of (refer to text later)

"im sure you'll be ok x

I gave the apology to ****** and although she was happy at first, a couple of days later she told me it wasnt good enough and I have to do it again. If its not ok this time shes kicking me out! So im sitting in a petrol station working on it."


Not going into too much detail about next bit as not critcal, basically "friend" being spoilt brat and refusing to apologise.

We went away for weekend (see wedding details somewhere posted before), arranged everything for her, she took advantage of my parents getting them to taxi her everywhere. them pissed off, we mention it to her, she doesnt see whats wrong and turns it on herself for victim role. We argue she refuses to help us for 3 evenings that she had previously agreed on.

Next we challenged her as to why she was being childish so she got her new family's (next job) daughter 18 to message for her. Turns out shes been b***hing behind our backs the whole time for victim sympathy - familiar as thats exactly what she did to old family by complaining victim to us.

Huge argument, daugther of new family fowards text (remember above) between me and "friend" to my wife. She was angry I had discussed our marriage again and also that I had put a kiss on my text.

Explained that we were talking about both of our seperate issues and as friends I put it to show I care. Nothing more on my part (yes retarded and know 2x4's coming thick and fast here).

Threw all of "friends" belongings out into the front garden and phoned her to collect them.



Going to look back over previous posts now kind of caught up although still today to update on.......


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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