Very good thread Faith. Thanks.

It is funny you posted this because I told my wife Last weekend I considered doing something "Out of the box" to correct our situation. I was going to challenge OM to a duel. Seriously, just like the old west, pistols at 10 paces, high noon. I read up on the rules and everything. I told her I was going to make the challenge to him, buy the matching pistols (one of the rules), ammunition, and travel back to his home state to do it. I was not, and am not joking about it. She got upset and said violence is not the answer. I told her I am running out of options, am at my wits end. I think she told him about this because he never answers my calls anymore. Maybe he's afraid of having to decline the challenge? One thing she did say, is that she wanted to go with me if I went through with this.

I know this is an unconventional approach, but I am desperate. I told her that more than likely I would come out of it OK because of my military firearms training, but we both had a chance. She started crying and said she can't believe it has come down to this.

If I can get him to accept, I plan to do this next month. Otherwise, if he keeps ignoring my calls, maybe she'll she see him as a coward, and decide to end it with him.

Dont risk prison for your cheater wife. She is not worth it. She can quit talking to her "lover" if she wants to, she simply:

1. Does not care about you or how you feel
2. Does not want to quit talking to her lover
3. Likes the excitement of another man giving her attention
4. Likes the idea of you two fighting over her
5. Is totally selfish, heinous, and a cheater
6. Needs to get a job and burn up some of that idle time

She is awful, man. Follow the steps here but dont go shooting anyone or threatening to shoot. This cheating bag you married does not care enough about you to quit her cheating and you dont need to ruin your life or put yourself in prison because of trying to save your marriage with a gun.

Take care of yourself and ask yourself if this bag you married is even worth being married to.

I hear what you are saying but my feelings and emotions seem to be controlling me right now... Her and our family have been the focus of my whole life for the last 20 years. I cannot imagine the thought of my life without them. I played a part in driving her away, but I have been working on correcting that.

She is a very beautiful woman. I know that OM only saw how attractive she was and began chasing her for this reason. He is a single guy and would get some serious bragging rights from his drinking buddies if he bagged her and split up a stable family. I cannot believe she does not see this.

You post on OM's wall and send a message to all his friends. "Hello, this is WW's husband. I am posting here because I regret to inform you that OM has been having an affair with my wife and mother of my __ children. I am doing this so it is out in the open so OM may feel a little more pressure to do the right thing and no longer contact my wife, and to warn others to keep their wives away from this predator. Keep me and my children in your prayers."


Be strong, stand firm, announce your boundaries and enforce them when they are broken (contacting OM). As for converstaion, don't talk about the affair or your relationship, just talk about anything else your WW would be interested in, the kids, celebrity gossip, whatever floats her boat and would interest her enough to engage in conversation. Act like nothing she does hurts you. Be teflon. Always act strong and happy in front of her.


Stop talking and start doing. If you want her to end her affair, end it for her.


Sometimes you need to push them away before you can pull them back. She'll get pissed. BFD. At least she won't be talking to OM anymore. That is the problem, not that your WW is angry. She's been angry with you before and she'll be angry with you again. She hasn't left any of the previous times.

1) Deal with it. It's only temporary. And you can always put more money in an emergency. It's called online banking. Take advantage of it. There needs to be consequences for her actions. Your kids won't suffer, and even if they did, it wouldn't be as bad as if you got a divorce.

2) Time to find a new job where you don't travel as much. I think that might be the one weakness in your marriage that allowed OM to wiggle his way in. You and you WW don't spend enough time together. Also, Dr. Harley recommends that after an affair, couples no longer spend the night without each other to prevent an affair from occurring again.



Who cares how she interprets it? Your goal is to get tough and end this affair. You let her know you are willing to work this out but not if there is someone else in the picture.

Honestly, I bet if you filed for divorce right now, she'd come crying and running back to you. She thinks she can get away with what she is doing because you will just allow it. If she thought she was REALLY going to lose you, I bet she'd crack. He who cares the least in a relationship holds all the power. It's time to get back the power.

Yes, your plan is absolutely brilliant. It will result in one or more people seriously wounded or dead, your wife getting arrested for being an accessory by tagging along, and you either in a grave or in prison for life while your children get taken away and put into foster homes. Fantastic idea.

If I was one of your friends, I�d chew you out in person and yell at you for being moronic to think such a thing. I would do it and say it out of love for you and not to put you down. This is one of those �Airplane� moments where you need to get slapped in the face while being told, �Get a hold of yourself!�

Now, after the 2x4�.

There�s a few things you need to hear now and believe me later about. You can�t imagine your life without her because she�s been with you since you were a child. I get that. BUT there is life after divorce if it ever heads down that path.

Your situation isn�t as hopeless as it seems. If anything, your wife seems to be enjoying playing the two of you off each other. She likes this drama and it is somehow appealing to some romantic side of her that enjoys the drama of having two men fight over her. She�s been watching a bit too much Twilight.

The solution to this is actually not complicated. She needs to understand and come to the shocking realization that you�re willing to walk out on her over this. It�s ironic and sounds counter intuitive, but the step to Plan B is probably the hardest, yet most necessary and effective next step.

Your situation isn�t one that is as hopeless as it seems. She�s not being nasty with you. She�s telling you she loves you and is somehow feeling caught in the middle. She�s cake eating in a big way.

Well, time to throw her off the cake. You have to get her to come to the very real realization that she is going to lose you if this continues.

Your WW is the type that will best respond to the MB plan, IMHO. She doesn�t want to lose you, yet she�s addicted and cake eating.

This is where you need to step up, get your head together, be a man, and do the hard things. That seriously means that you need to prepare for the step that says, �Get you�re a$$ out of the house. I want you out of here until you get your head together. Here�s my conditions for you to return. You will not hear from me again unless you end this immediately and go to NC for life. Otherwise, you�ll hear from a lawyer soon. Anything else you need to know is in the letter.�

This is your next required step. I don�t believe Plan A will work with her and it�s not intended to last a long time anyways.

But get your head on straight. Comments such as �I can�t imagine my life without her� are dangerous and show short sightedness. Not a single person on this planet is worth killing for or dying for because of a love affair. If your wife wishes to be a cheater, then she can leave and you can focus on your kids and carrying on with your life.

You�re afraid because you don�t know any different since this woman is all you�ve known since you�ve been a kid. I�m not telling you this because I think you should D. I�m telling you this so you can get some perspective.

I totally agree with HTLD that plan B would work. I would just advocate trying to choke the affair to death first since it is long distance. But this woman has no intention of leaving you. She'll continue to do this as long as you allow her to.

I would also advocate making OM's life he11. That is why you do the facebook exposure. I would also get a PI to do a background check on OM. Expose to his family members. See what dirt he has on him. Basically let him know that your wife won't be an easy prey and he had better look for someone else because you won't allow him to get away with what he's doing anymore. If your inlaws are on your side, get them to call and pester him into leaving your wife alone. Nothing is more of a turnoff than having the inlaws scream at you.

Sample of a plan B letter just in case you need one

Dearest WW,

I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where your affair with POSOM was possible.

I have learned better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. We can not do that while you are still in contact with POSOM

Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you.IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.

Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with him I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOM and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.

The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.
Before I will consider direct communication with you

1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end the affair with OM
3. You will write a No Contact letter to OM and have it okayed by me and then I will send it.
5. You will agree to follow a marriage counseling plan of my choosing.(MB OF COURSE)
6. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results."

I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our marriage and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.

I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.

Love,

Thanks for all your advice Jim..

I know my job situation plays a big part in what is going on in our relationship. I am an engineer (just like you!) working on a new factory start up project in Mexico. I am currently required to be in Mexico for 2 weeks at a time. I only fly home to see my family every other weekend then I have to fly right back on Monday to be gone another 2 weeks.. I have been doing this since January of this year. I get an occasional week off but not very often.

One of the weeks I got off was in March of this year. It was actually a house hunting trip to the city where my company is based out of. The plan is to relocate my family there once the project is complete. Anyway, my company flew my family over there with me so we could all see the area, schools, etc. This is when my WW met OM in the hotel we were stayng at. He was a clerk or something that went to our room to hook up my kids' X-box.

So, I am in a really crappy situation my friends. She is a having a long distance EA with OM right now. But soon, if everything goes as planned with my job, we will move over there and she will be right there with him! Then what can I expect, even if I do manage to get her to end her A right now?

Iam, you are thanking everyone for their advice but what are you DOING?

Get a new job. I'd start updating my resume right now.

I have been considering everyone's advice and I am flying home tomorrow to put things into action. It is hard doing some of them while I am in Mexico. Some things need to be said to her face to face, not over the phone.

A couple points I want to make.

1) Don't expect anything positive to come out of this face to face talk.

2) Excessive travel will not work for you marriage. Your WW obviously has some needs that just cannot be met with your excessive travel. If you want to make your wife happy in the future and protect your marriage from outside predators, you will need to find a job without so much travel. I used to travel Monday-Thursday 40 weeks a year. Sure, I never paid for a plane ticket or hotel room, but it wasn't worth it. I found a job where I didn't travel. Guess why? Because my wife was having an affair and the travel was a big reason we drifted apart.

3) Make OM's life he11 as long as he continues to pursue your WW. I would get a PI to dig into him. He's probably a loser with a record. He may not be who he is portrying himself as to your WW. Get some dirt on him.

4) Time to sack up and play for keeps.

Forget about Plan B! Your months off that.

Follow the advice you've been given! Have you exposed OM on Facebook yet?

I have been looking for another job since this all started happening. No other opportunities have become available yet. I know this is a BIG part of why this happened. I am trying hard to change it.

I told my WW that I was going to hire a PI to investigate this guy right after she told me that she was having deep feelings for him. She immediately called him and told him I was going to do this. He then told her there was no need to do that because he would tell her all about his past. He then proceeded to disclose that he was in prison for almost 3 years for drug possession, has DWI convictions, and has had his house raided 2 times in the past 2 years on suspicion of drug possession / trafficking. But, he said that no charges were ever filed on this.

I talked to him later and he confirmed all the things he told her about his background. However, he also threw in the extra bonus that he is bisexual. He never told my WW about that and when I told her, she said she didn't believe it. She said he only told me that to lower my apprehension about their relationship being anything other than just friendship.

Oh, he also told WW that he is addicted to Xanax for "deep feelings of anxiety" after his mother's death. He also smokes pot on a regular basis.

I thought that was plenty of dirt on him, coming from his own admission. So, I decided not to hire a PI. This all came out about 4 months ago. I was sure my intelligent WW would come to her senses after discovering all this and end all contact with him. However, I actually think she started to become more attached to him after he disclosed all this. Even more text messages, phone calls and picture exchanges. It was and still is very confusing to me.

I know this is a very, very dangerous situation for my family if this guy somehow does manage to get into their lives. That is why I am willing to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening.

I am definitely sacked up, ready for battle and to play for keeps!!

I agree that plan A still might work. However, I did tell my WW that divorce is an option I will consider if the EA does not end. I explained that it would be a last resort to ensure the safety of our children.

I logged into her Facebook account and OM is not on her friends list. I think this is kind of odd.. However, I think she might know about the keylogger (Not sure how she found out) so she really does not logon to facebook anymore.

I just found out that OM flew to our city 2 weeks ago and spent 2 days with my wife. I was in Mexico at the time. When I found out, I told my company that I had a family emergency and flew back immediately. She told me that they had lots of sex while he was here and that he told her he will keep pursuing her no matter what. He wants to fight for her. What should I do?

You should follow the advice that you have already been given by the vets on this board and continue a Plan A until it is time for Plan B. You should make sure you find yourself a new job, you need to keep your WW as far away from OM as possible.

Don't try to figure out what WW is doing and why. ALL you need to do is execute a plan A.

Same thing I told you before. Completely cut off your WW from OM, look for a new job, and turn up the heat on OM. Get a PI, get a background check, expose to anyone and everyone: his family, his friends, shoot even his employer. You said he worked at the resort you stayed at right? I'm sure they don't want their employees having affairs with their guest. Shoot threaten to write a bunch of horrible reviews and raise a big stink if they allow him to continue contacting your wife. Maybe you can get him fired. Do whatever you can to make your WW no longer worth his while.

And you need to get home and stay home. You will NEVER end this affair as long as you continue to travel. It will be impossible to keep an eye on her until she's through withdrawal. She's an addict and needs accountability. When the cat's away, the mice will play. Find a new job ASAP.