Let me know how this is for a letter to the OM's family:


Dear friends and family of (POSOM),

If you are receiving this letter it is because you are someone important in (POSOM)�s life. I am writing to let you know that (POSOM) has been having an online affair with my wife, (WW). The affair has been going on since February of this year. I know this may not be something you want to believe about him, but I have substantial proof if anyone requires it. I have not included the proof in this communication because some of the communications and pictures are very graphic and explicit and I do not want to cause undue embarrassment to (POSOM) or my wife (WW), but if anyone requires it you can email me at (email address).

The purpose of this letter is not to ruin (POSOM)�s reputation, but rather, to let you know that he has lost his way and is contributing to the destruction of his own marriage to (OMW) and to my marriage and family (my wife and I have two small children). Please use whatever influence you have in (POSOM)�s life to convince him to do the right thing and stop this illicit affair. There are two marriages and two small childrens' stable home at stake here.

Sincerely,
(BH)
City
Phone

Yes, you should be very "controlling." [otherwise known as boundaries] All avenues of contact should be eliminated. For example, if she talks to him over the internet, I would either cancel the internet or take the router to work with you every day.

But FIRST, see if she will end contact and agree to send him a no contact letter [we have the template] and cancel her facebook account. She should never be on facebook again.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html




[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

That looks great, but I can pretty much guarantee that there is no way in hell she will write or sign that. I am not dealing with a very willing WW here. She has remorse, but it is buried deep and it is not directed at me (she feels bad for our childrena nd OMW, but not me who is the cause of all our problems and the Enemy...

Humbled, just go ahead with the exposure and then when the dust settles, you can tell her what it will take to EARN your forgiveness and keep you interested in staying married to her. We will help you with next steps.

Please let me know what you think of this for our friends and family (especially WW's):


Dear friends and family,

If you are receiving this letter it is because you are someone important to me, my wife, and my children. Thank you for always being there for my family over the years. I wanted to start by saying that I know I have not always been a perfect husband to (WW). I have always loved her with all my heart and given 100% of what I had to give, but I see now that I had some personal issues to deal with that hurt her and our marriage, and for those I am truly sorry. I have been in therapy every week for the last 4+ months and am doing very well in addressing my issues so that I can be the best husband and father I can be.

I am writing to let you know that our family is in crisis. As you know, we are pretty isolated out here in (city, state), and we really need your love and support now. (WW) has been having an online affair with (OM), an old friend from high school who is a married man. The affair has been going on since February of this year, and I just found out in May (a month into my therapy). I have substantial proof that I have not included in this communication because some of the evidence is very graphic and explicit and I'd rather not share it, but if anyone requires it in order to see that I am not exaggerating this affair you can email me at (email address).

The purpose of this letter is not to make (WW) look bad or ask for sympathy for me, but rather, to let you know that our family is in trouble and we need your help. I am doing everything in my power to address my faults and make (WW) happy and I welcome your criticism and feedback. As for (WW), her affair is contributing to the destruction of both our marriage and family and (OM)�s marriage. I love my wife and children very much and am committed to doing whatever I can to save our family. Please help � we are in over our heads and can�t do this alone.

Love,
(BH)
Please call me if you need to talk (phone)

Humbled, you are very good at this! A couple of minor changes. I would take out the part about your personal issues and your therapy. That is not relevant to the situation and only muddies the waters. I would also ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. That tends to motivate them to help you.

Great minds think alike!!

Just tuck it away in your file for future use. If you expose this properly she'll sign it. Reality can really take the wind out of an obstinate wayward's sails.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Things are changing rapidly now. The best advice I have been given is to stand my ground - it is working wonders already. From doormat to leader of my marriage - the change is happening rapidly.

maritalbliss - you were dead on about her trying to make an offer. I got home today and she wouldn't speak to me. Unlike last night, I didn't even care. I just smiled and acted nice but not overly concerned that she was mad. She then decided we needed to run errands and lamely asked if we could go as a family so long as I didn't talk with her. We ended up shopping and eating out. She started talking to me and opened up, and sure enough - she tried to nicely suggest that the door was still open "Did you think some more about what you said last night about me having to end it? Are you sure you want to go down that road? It might not turn out well for you." Then she made some nice gentle comments about it backfiring and making us not work, blah, blah, blah. I just stood my ground gently but firmly and showed her I didn't care if she divorced me, left me, or hated me for years - she needed to end this affair and quickly. In fact, I mentioned to her that if she was just going to divorce me anyway, then why the hell should I put up with an affair to boot? She had no good answer for that and just looked stunned. (YES!)

Apparently she realized that last night's theatrics didn't work on me anymore, so after a bit of frustrated debate from her (one-sided - I wasn't interested), she gets a sulky look on her face and pouts and says, "I guess I'll have to be a grown up and do the right thing and let him go in a week or two." To which I responded, "Pretty much, yeah." and said not another word.

I know we want it ended TODAY but it's progress. She then walked around a little dejected but I didn't respond. When that didn't work she got somewhat normal and started making more normal small talk to me again, at which point I was all smiles and friendliness. Next thing I know she is continuing to talk about our future - our plans for a new house in three years, etc.

I can feel it - the power is shifting and I LIKE IT! She is starting to drop the BS more and more every time I call her bluff and don't respond to her threats.

Thank you all! Now I am still planning my exposure - don't judge me for the timing. I already blew it the first time around and I am going as fast as I reasonably can. I feel much more in control. I have really excellent intel in place and can monitor their evey word through any reasonable channel (internet, phone, mail, etc.) She is already starting to do what she said she would - her messages to him today were certainly not as fun or frisky as usual - I think the affair is getting less fun by the minute. I know you'll disagree, but I am giving her exactly 2 weeks as stated and not a day more. If she does this on her own as she is promising - great! That just means a better commitment from her for recovery. If not - I am watching her like a hawk and she doesn't even know it. I don't trust her yet by a longshot and if she slips up, tries a FR, breaks NC, or anything else - BAM! I will drop the hammer on this affair like an H-bomb! All you all had to do is tell me to declare war on this affair. War I understand!

I haven't felt this in control of my life since this whole mess started. Thank you all! Keep the advice coming...

I also wanted to say - part of the power shift today was because I realized something for the first time. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE ME. I don't think I realized that before. If she did, there would be no threats, no bluffs. You only bluff when you're afraid the other guy's hand is better than yours and you don't want him to know he's got you beat. I realized today that all her bluffs and threats are simply because she knows if I make a strong stand SHE WILL END IT rather than leave me and she is trying to scare me out of it.

Like I said, I feel like I woke up today!

Hi there,

So, you are saying that you will expose only when your WW breaks NC? Even if there is no signed NC letter?

If yes, then this is the worst mistake you can make. You are setting yourself up for deliberate False Recovery.

Plus, the OMW DESERVES TO KNOW. Just imagine how it is to be her in this horrible place. And there is only one person who can and hopefully will save her - YOU. Neither his WH or your WW will give her the full truth - never happens.

I am speaking from my own personal experience here. I did not expose initially. My wife promised to end the affair. The outcome was false recovery that lasted 9 months and ended only when I exposed to OMW.

Please please expose right now. If you do not believe me (I'm rather new here) then please believe at least MelodyLane. I guess she has seen thousands of stories like yours here that always develop identically.

Have you read this?

Humbled, you're missing a big point here. First of all, of COURSE she doesn't want to leave you! You're meeting many of her ENs. (Not the least being you're underwriting her A by giving her a roof over her head and financial support.) She's not stupid. Going to live in a bus shelter to further her A wouldn't be romantic at all,now would it? No, she's got it good right now. All of her needs are being met - by two men.

Two weeks to end the A is totally unacceptable. She's going to use that time to manipulate you into giving her two weeks, then two weeks more...and why not - she's been able to manipulate you before, right? Waywards are notoriously devious, Humbled.

I'm glad you're starting to take the reins back. But you've got to grab this two week thing and end it. As another poster said - you're in for some false recoveries if you waffle like this.

Finally, as a FBW, I can't tell you the disservice you're doing to the poor woman OM is married to. My heart is crushed, imagining her going along in her life, thinking everything's great - and perfect strangers have a horrible knowledge that they refuse to share with her. I was that BW at one point. One of the worst things about that whole mess? I found out from OWH that he and his wife used to argue about me in the evenings, after she'd been with my husband, about how I had the right to know about them. Can you imagine that? Perfect strangers talking about something so devastating in my life, while I was keeping dinner warm and waiting for my poor, hard-working H to get home from "working late"?

that's BETTER!

I would have said it should have happened yesterday.

Im looking for the reverse babble thread. Ill post it if I find it. Reverse babble really helps you control the conversation in a plan A manner by reversing all the babble she spews at you right back at her, but not in a mean vindictive way. you practically agree with her and repeat her fog to her. A very good tactic, but i need the thread to prove my point.

I found Orchids revers Fog Babble Thread.
Orchids reverse Babble Thread

this give good examples of how to handle your plan A conversation.