Well I did actually get that done. I fully re-vamped and updated my resume. Took a long time since I haven't had a current resume in over 5 years.

I searched for jobs, applied to a couple, called a couple confidential contacts in the business to put a few "feelers" out there. I posted my resume online (confidentially of course) so I am putting myself out there. I have a networking event I'll be attending on Thursday this week where I can meet other potential employers / business partners.

Good for you! Be proactive, make contacts, follow up! Get this job search in full swing!

Ok next step - start writing your NC letter! Do you see OW at work at all?

And then - put together an exposure list on OM. Prep work - not action yet.

Finally - are you still living with your wife? Do you see her frequently? Try to schedule a family activity.

Baby steps Cap.

I do see the OW at work, but we don't work "together" necessarily. My boss is aware of the situation...her boss is not, but I have a feeling he has suspicions.
Exposure of OM has also begun. I got that ball rolling last week on Thursday, but I really didn't need to I found out.

Wife is royally ticked off at me about this, but something I found out is that the "talk" about them had already started and he has already been exposed to his friends / family. Of course she thinks it's all my fault...everything is...but that doesn't matter.

No I am no living at my house currently. I pleaded w/ her Saturday and Sunday to let me come home and work on this process together, use these tools as a starting point together, etc... She said "no" (again) that doesn't matter WHAT I do at all she will in no way EVER consider stopping this divorce from happening. I told her forget stopping the divorce...I wasn't going to fight with her but just let's live in the same house until divorce is finalized to be sure this is the ONLY option for us. NO...no...no is all she has to say.

I do see her at least once a week (sometimes more) when I come get our kids for "my time". I'll see her tonight when I pick them up actually, but she won't talk to me. "Family Activities" involve us doing things seperately with our kids. She won't come with me.

I wish she'd show me just ONE single baby-step. Just f-ing ONE.

What is stopping you from packing your stuff, walking back into the house and setting up shop back in your bedroom?

Just tell her "I'm fighting for you and my family. Until the divorce is final I will stay here." Women respond to decisive action. She will probably be mad - but she'll know you are fighting for her.

Tell her about the resume. Tell her you are leaving your job. Tell her you are going NC with OW.

Can you let OWs boss know? What can you do to minimize contact with her?

I tried. She said she would pack up the kids stuff and go stay at her sister's house (which is NOT a good situation).
That is exactly what I was doing yesterday and I told her...this is how it has to be...I'm moving back in. She said fine, go ahead...she'd be by later to get some of our kid's things that she would leave if I move back in.
Then there's the div documents that require me to be out until October when she then has to be out and in her own place.

NO I can't let the OW's boss know what's going on. I don't know him that well and it would bring a whole new sh1t-storm around here we don't need.

So - legally you can't move back in according to the divorce documents you've signed?

Why would she get to take the kids? If you move back in - the kids stay in their own house. You aren't violent or abusive. There is no reason to remove them. If she doesn't want to be around you, fine. But you should have NEVER left your house. Now your wife is free to replace you with whatever scumbag she chooses.

You gotta get NC with OW ASAP. It is really the ONLY way you're going to have a chance.

Capt. 76...

I'm really sorry about what's going on in your life. It sounds like you and your wife had a lot of stuff going on besides the affair. It also sounds like your wife is pretty adament about not being around you.

So, my take on the situation is a little different than Vibrissa's. I think you need to assess where your wife is. How much of her distaste for you is a result of the affair? How likely is it that the affair was "an exit affair," something to ease the pain of the divorce she wanted?

After you have a sense of that, then you may want to consider how much you are willing to risk in an attempt to save the marriage. For example, are you willing to risk losing your job? Having your resume online is risky if your employer stumbles across it. Are you willing to risk creating so much animosity in your wife that the divorce turns into a nasty battle to the death?

The advice you get here is generally good, but it's general. People give advice based on what they've personally experienced or what they've read in the Harley's books, or what they've been told in counseling. But, none of us here knows the ins and outs of your situation. Some will say that the ins and outs don't matter... all affairs, etc follow the same general outline. That is true, but the characters aren't the same and the endings vary.

I worked with Steve Harley for several years. He gave me advice and direction that was the opposite from what many experienced people here were telling me to do.

All that said, there is absolutely no debate at all about you telling the woman you've been dating that you aren't interested, and that you are actively pursuing restoring your marriage.

Thanks Greengables - I do understand every situation is different and applying the exact same advice to every situation isn't necessarily the right answer it's at least a good starting point to help me figure things out.

Something I still haven't quite figured out is after all these years why have an affair now? I don't know what really was the cause for either of us. Not that "mistakes" didn't happen in the past...they did (I made them years ago)...but it was NEVER anything like this, and I never wanted it to be.

Captain, Affairs don't "just happen" they are choices that each of us makes.

You put yourself in a situation because you wanted to have the affair. Plain and simple. It was not "fate", it was not "divine intervention", it was not a "mistake"...it was just a sleazy affair that you allowed to happen.

Until you change that mindset nothing will change.

Capt, I think you're missing the point of my post.

It wasn't to figure why the affair, but more for you to assess where your STBXW is on the scale of "I hate that man and I've wanted out for years" versus "I want to save my marriage."

Not every WS that says "I've wanted out for years" is lying because of the fog. Some are stating the truth.

If your wife wouldn't want you if you were the last man on earth, it may not be worth risking any remaining good will by moving back in. Divorce is advesarial no matter what, but it can be ruinous when both parties want revenge and reparations for wrongs.

I will say my STBX has not "wanted out for years". I am confident in that. Not trying to sound cocky, but just stating the truth. I'm more concerned about my confusion and if I've "wanted out for years".

She and I are still talking...although it doesn't feel like we're making any positive movement towards NOT divorcing. She still 100% plans to go sign the papers in mid October when our 60-day "cooling off" period is up.

But - me and the OW have broken up and will not be seeing each other anymore. This happened over this past weekend, but I didn't want to say anything until I gave it a few days to see if it would actually stick. It has...we haven't been together or seen each other outside of work all week, and here at work it's very little (almost zero) interaction because we work in 2 completely seperate departments.

I've been by my house to see the kids and hang out with STBX this week and today I'm having lunch with my her and our daughter. I highly doubt we'll stay married...but at least we are working hard to not be hateful. I'm still going to be optimistic though.

Does your wife know about the break up?

Are you still looking for other employment?
Does your wife know you are?

Are you still going to send a NC letter? Have you written it?
Does your wife know and has she seen it?

Are you attempting to demonstrate a willingness to meet your wife's needs through Plan A?

Cap76, this is yet another reason why dating before legally divorced is such a bad idea - because it's not fair to the people you start dating.

Now, this OW may be a tramp who knew perfectly well that you were still closely involved with your wife and just hoped to pry you away, *or* she may have been an innocent victim who believed your lies and manipulations.

Either way, the above quote illustrates a mighty cold and cavalier attitude towards another human being. And it's exactly how waywards go through life.

Vibrisa...yes I am still considering other employment. I had an interview yesterday evening actually that happened out of the blue.

Haven't written an NC letter.
My wife does know of the break up.
Yes I am attempting to show my willingness to meet wife's needs.

Mulan...that statement wasn't entirely true. That was just my ego talking like I was a 'bad mo-fo' and can do what I want. Truly it was BS. Dropping the OW like a bad-habit isn't going to happen. It's going to take work...a lot of work. I was just fooling myself when I wrote that. That doesn't make what I've been doing any better...but the OW actually isn't a tramp and I shouldn't have allowed things to get this far with her. The break-up was not easy (not for either of us) but it had to be done and we both agreed by the time we stopped talking about it.

Nice to hear some honesty and self-introspection.

Keep PURSUING other employment. You really need to cut off OW - any contact gives you another contact high - you will NOT be able to withstand it for very long.

ANY woman who is willing to get involved with a married man is ABSOLUTELY not someone you should be in a relationship with - because this woman's selfishness will put her before your children. When you divorce your children will need to be in your number one spot. I think you get this as you posted in another thread:


This woman - tramp or not - is bad news for your children. She has played a crucial role in the destruction of their family. She has already put your kids on the bottom of her list - she has already thrown them under the bus to get her needs met.

Don't waffle on NC. You'll want to give yourself a pass - DON'T.

Because:

Your own words Capt.

Don't let yourself think that just 'breaking up' and staying at your job is enough. You'll be tempted to. You can get back together as easy as making a phone call and you've already demonstrated appallingly poor will-power and boundaries.

NC. ASAP.

As for your wife - try to spend as much time with her as you can. Be in your home as often as you can. Be the best possible husband you can be and tell her that is what you're doing.

Do you know if she is in Contact with her OM?

Have you exposed this slime yet?

If you don't expose - fully expect to be replaced by him in the future.

I am going over to our house tonight to cook dinner for me and the kids. I asked my wife to stay...she said she'd think about it. At 1st she said NO...but I asked her to just consider it. I said we could call it a "last meal as a family". I think she will stay for dinner at least, but probably will leave after that.

She has not had comm w/ the OM that I know of. I think she is telling me the truth about him. Not that her feelings aren't still there...I'm not that stupid, but I think they have cut communication for now.

I have exposed him some. I stopped ignoring it when people asked me what was happening. I called several of his friends, ex-girlfriend, and anytime someone asked me what was going on I openly explained what I did and what my wife had done (and with whom). So the latest "talk of the town" is all about him and her...since everyone's been talking about me and my screw ups for the last few weeks it seems her and him are the new "hot topic". Doesn't mean he won't still try to come around after (if) our divorce is finalized. I've actually heard a LOT of people justify what they did by saying I was having an affair also. Many of our "friends" are out at his place this weekend hunting actually and don't care what he did. When you have enough $$ (he does)...you can keep your "friends" happy and ignoring the truth. I don't have that luxury.

Be over there as often as you can. Take your wife a treat - flowers, her fav candy, something. Offer to rub her feet or something similar after dinner. Invite her to stay or go with you to take the kids for ice cream or something like that.

Then see if you can do it again tomorrow night.

Read up on Plan A.

Well...it didn't happen. I got there before she got home running errands. It wasn't a surprise (as I mentioned) because I had asked her to stay for dinner already. I had dinner going, the kids were playing nicely (no fighting), and all was going good but then she came home.
She went to the bedroom, packed a bag, and left. I stopped her before she left and asked why she couldn't stay for dinner. She said "it will just make it harder". I told her I wasn't trying to be difficult, and promised NO talk about divorce, money, "other people", etc... just eat dinner as a "family" and then she could leave to go to her sister's house as planned for the weekend.

No - she kissed the kids bye and left.

***for the record I tried again the next night..."NO" again.
Today after work I think I'll go over and try to get her to go out for ice cream with me and the kids. Maybe that will be less of a hurdle than a full "sit down" dinner together.

my husband and i are in a similar sit. i just arrived to the is forum so i don't have my full story here yet. I was the walk-away wife who thought the grass would be greener and couldn't handle or even wanted to work on my marriage.

In the beginning from (Dec - March) he came to me several times and begged and pleaded with me to come back, after i kept rejecting him and told him to get over it (part of my telling him that was i found out he had a profile on a few dating sites)...he dated and met OW (March - present)

I moved back to the house and came to a deep realization 3 weeks ago. My EA was completely wrong and I still loved my H.

He tells me now it's too late to come back...and he can't be anything more than my friend and co-parent. He hasn't moved out yet and we actually are sleeping in the same bed as of couple nights ago. I'm being patient and kind, but when i don't see results happening i panic and do foolish things like post comments on his social network page so that the OW can read them and fume. and then i still keep bringing up the situation after he's told me that I need to work on myself and things will fall into place for us...as he says he's leaving our marriage in God's hands. I don't want to lose this man...we've been together for 19 years and married for 16.

Yeah I can see some similarities to the story NYgirl...it's quite a situation.

Difference is (in our case) I think we both started to seek "greener pastures". She came to her senses and it took me a few more weeks to come to mine. I wasn't ready to do what she needed when she asked. Now that I'm ready...she says it's too late. I'm still trying though.