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I posted here and visited here seven years ago amidst the wreckage that was generated by my first affair. Things went really well for several years until a significant turn of events turned me away from my spouse, the woman who loves me and into the arms of another.


Last edited by Stayawhile; 08/31/10 09:21 AM. Reason: DLKfasdioh
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Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
I posted here and visited here seven years ago amidst the wreckage that was generated by my first affair. Things went really well for several years until a significant turn of events turned me away from my spouse, the woman who loves me and into the arms of another.

I was OUTED three days ago by someone who I have never met who only sought to cause me pain and my wife pain by association.


No Sir, *YOU* caused your wife and children pain by having an affair. You did this to your wife and children. YOU caused this pain, not the kind, compassionate person who warned your wife that you were stabbing her in the back. If that person had not warned your wife, then she couldn't protect herself and her children from you, could she?

So, I would stop with the blame and man up here. Blaming others for your crime will not solve the problem.

Have you ended all contact with your OW? Is she married? If so, has her husband been notified of what you have done to him?

Quote:
Obviously, my hope is that she will forgive me and accept me back as her husband. Barring that, I hope that I can at least regain some of the respect that I have lost due to the recent revelation.


It will take YEARS to regain respect and earn her forgiveness and it will take alot more than empty talk. It will take actions. Talk is cheap with a wayward. Forgiveness has to be EARNED. So don't think that some cheesy letter is going to cut it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Stay, I would read this article about Just Compensation Can't We just Forgive and Forget? and then get the book Surviving an Affair.

What does your wife want to do? Does she want a divorce?

Will she come here and speak to us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
I posted here and visited here seven years ago amidst the wreckage that was generated by my first affair. Things went really well for several years until a significant turn of events turned me away from my spouse, the woman who loves me and into the arms of another.

I was OUTED three days ago by someone who I have never met who only sought to cause me pain and my wife pain by association.

Obviously, this second betrayal has broken my wife's heart and my impending departure for my parent's house (just across town) has devastated our children. All five of us were in tears at various times last night as we discussed my departure.

I sent my wife the following email this morning.

This is a hard letter to write. I have no excuse for what I have done to you and what I have done to our family. Like you said, I have become someone that you don't recognize, someone that I do not recognize or even want to recognize because that is not who I am. That is not who you need to support you as the mother of our boys and it is not who they need as there father.

I have no idea when (or how) I became so selfish. When I should have been thinking about us (the five of us) or us (you and me), I was obviously thinking about me and what I wanted. Even when I was talking to you on Sunday, I was thinking about me, attempting to justify my actions. You did nothing wrong, and I know that, and you know that.

I lost my moral compass. I don't know when I lost it or how I lost it, but it is clear that I did. I became a habitual liar and evolved into a crappy husband and not a very good father in the process. Those are the two most important roles I will ever have in my life, and I blew it twice. I understand that the depth of what I did to you are such that I may never have the opportunity to be any kind of husband to you again. That sucks, but that is what I did. However, I am going to get help, and I am going fix myself so that you can be proud of me again -- proud to have me as the father of our children and proud to have me as a friend.

Here is what I do know right now. I love you. I love our children. I will always love the four of you, and I understand why I can't be around right now. I admire you for so many reasons. Even in the midst of all of this, you thought of me when you told the boys that I was moving out. You told them alone out of concern for how it might affect me if we had told them together. I know how hard it was for me to talk to them after I got back to the house yesterday. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you.

I already left a voice mail this morning for Dr. Hedlund, asking him to call me back as soon as possible. I am going to call the rabbi later this morning to see when she has some time available for me to go talk with her.

I would like to go to services with you and the kids for the High Holidays; maybe I have been missing G_D in my life, I don't know. But I plan on being a regular attendee of services beyond the holidays in the hopes that this will help me to regain and retain my moral compass.


Obviously, my hope is that she will forgive me and accept me back as her husband. Barring that, I hope that I can at least regain some of the respect that I have lost due to the recent revelation.

By the way, I have cut off all contact with the OW. No email. No voice. No Text. NONE. I have even suggested changing my cell phone number so she won't have it.

I want to be worthy of my wife's love and trust again


I can never understand how it is that people suddenly want to 'get religion' when they're busted in an A. Do you understand how self-serving this sounds? "Look at me! I'm going to be a good boy and go to temple now that I've been a bad boy, so let's all just move on, shall we?" If that's truly want you want, for your own personal reasons, just shut up and do it. Don't lay it out there for your poor wife like some kind of sacrifice to get back into her good graces.

And btw, Stayawhile - you never 'lost your moral compass.' You're just a selfish person who went after what they wanted, with absolutely no thought to what it would do to everyone around you who trusted you. There's going to be a lot of debris and heartache to contend with in the wake of this devastation.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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You can always choose your actions....BUT you CAN NOT choose your consequences.

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DITTO!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
...a significant turn of events turned me away from my spouse, the woman who loves me and into the arms of another.
I call b.s. on that. You wife is not a lesbian; she wants a man with balls. Yet you don't even have the minimal balls to admit your own culpability to a bunch of strangers on an internet forum? Instead, you blame it on a "turn of events"?

Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
I was OUTED three days ago by someone who I have never met who only sought to cause me pain and my wife pain by association.
You must be a pretty remarkable guy, Stayawhile, to be able to discern motives so precisely. J'ever think that, just maybe, the "outer" was merely a person of integrity, who couldn't stand the thought of turning a blind eye to your deception and not doing anything about it? J'ever think that, just maybe, this "outer" has actually done you & your wife a big favor by at least putting you in a situation where you have to grapple with your lack of integrity ( a stone I don't cast lightly, by the way), and giving your wife a chance to see you for what you've been lately & to decide on the basis of accurate information whether this is all worth it?

Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
I would like to go to services... maybe I have been missing G_D in my life, I don't know. But I plan on being a regular attendee of services beyond the holidays in the hopes that this will help me to regain and retain my moral compass.
Nope. Your little pocket-God -- the one you pull out of your pocket when it's convenient for you, like you pull out tic-tacs when your breath stinks -- is not big enough for the job. The real God will wait for you to come back to Him, but He is not going to be your pocket-God.

Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
...Barring that, I hope that I can at least regain some of the respect that I have lost due to the recent revelation..
Well, the way to be respected, is to conduct yourself respectably. Earn it.

Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
I want to be worthy of my wife's love and trust again.
What are you here for, Stayawhile? If you've been here before, you know where to look, you know what you need to do. You know the ball's in her court to decide on the future of your marriage, but you know you need to conduct yourself (belatedly) as if it all depends on you. You know you can't earn her forgiveness or trust, but you know you need to pull out all the stops to try to earn it anyway.

What does SHE need right now? What are you going to do about it? Actions, not words. Earn it.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Last edited by Stayawhile; 08/31/10 09:22 AM. Reason: kuhiugh
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Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
I posted here and visited here seven years ago amidst the wreckage that was generated by my first affair. Things went really well for several years until a significant turn of events turned me away from I selfishly CHOSE to turn from my marriage and destroymy spouse, the woman who loves me and into the arms of another.


You are NOT the victim of circumstance. You are experiencing the consequences of your selfishness, entitlement and abusive behavior.

Your wife is NOT safe with you.

Your desire to get her to stay with you is ALSO evidence of your selfishness, entitlement and abusive behavior.

If you loved her you would realize that you are absolutely HORRIBLE for her. You have terribly abused her not once, but TWICE. And that second time after despicably convincing her that despite past failings you were RECOVERED and WORTH having a relationship with.

She would be just like those battered wives that returned to her beater day after day. Because to stay with you would be to continue to accept your abuse.

Quote:
Obviously, my hope is that she will forgive me and accept me back as her husband. Barring that, I hope that I can at least regain some of the respect that I have lost due to the recent revelation.

I want to be worthy of my wife's love and trust again


Why did respect, and love not matter when you were wallowing in the muck with your skank? Why were you not concerned with your worth then?

Why was it SOMEONE else's revelation that made all of this suddenly important?

You are a dangerous man. It will take YEARS to be 'worthy' of your wife's trust. You conned her into recovery once, you were HERE and knew what it would take, but you pulled the rug out from under her again - for your own selfish desires.

Until you GET that and put your WIFE and MARRIAGE first - you will NEVER be worthy of her.


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Hi Stayawhile,

Welcome to MB!

I hope you will take the time to read the materials on this site and then go to the bookstore tab (upper left) and order a couple books.

I would recommend the books, "Surviving An Affair" and "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" as a start.

I could pick your email apart, but I won't.
I know you are struggling, but while you may wrestle and struggle with what you've chosen to do, your wife is devistated and your children are now in harms way. And I'm sure the toughest part for them is... you've run over them with this truck before.

Please order the books and read them ASAP!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Last edited by Stayawhile; 08/31/10 09:22 AM. Reason: uglkjh
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Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
I did not find religion / nor do I want to find religion.
Then why write that b.s. that you wrote to your wife about going to services? For what? Because you think it makes you look better? Is that what it's all about?

As my father used to say, "You can rub all you want, but you can't shine a turd."

You may start looking better to your wife when you stop deceiving her just to try to make yourself look better. But you haven't stopped yet.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear

I would recommend the books, "Surviving An Affair" and "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" as a start.


Please...and while you are at it, purchase one for your wife to help her!

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Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
Ok, the significant turn of events is as follows:

I lost my job and livelihood. I have never been good at sharing my feelings with those that I am close to and I chose to stray from my marriage vows.

I lost a favorite aunt after a 14 month battle with cancer.

I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis that put me in the Intensive Care Unit for three days.

And I lied. If given the choice between telling a simple lie and telling the harder truth, more times that not, I chose the simple way out.

My BS told me that she wants to see the man that she married again, more than anything. That was the root of the email that I posted for the forum to read.

We are three days past D day.



Again.....

Like I said in my last post, you can always choose your actions, but you can not choose your consequences.

You will have to live with those and time will only heal my friend, so I suggest you start reading all the material on this site, reading self help books, read the bible, start saying your prayers morning and at night, read those books that have been mentioned "His needs, Her needs" and "surviving and affair"

We know how much pain your wife is in, and the person who gave her that pain was YOU! All you can do is better yourself, and make some EP's so this does not happen again.

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I have a question...your thread says second time wayward spouse...does this mean you have cheated on her before and she found out?

What's the story?

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Originally Posted By: Stayawhile
Ok, the significant turn of events is as follows:

I lost my job and livelihood. I have never been good at sharing my feelings with those that I am close to and I chose to stray from my marriage vows.

I lost a favorite aunt after a 14 month battle with cancer.

I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis that put me in the Intensive Care Unit for three days.




I hope that you are not using any of this as an excuse to cheat. You cheated for one reason and one reason only: YOU HAVE POOR BOUNDARIES. I would never bring any of this up again. EVER. It is very transparent blameshifting that only serves to make you look UNSAFE.

If life's problems can cause you to cheat in the past, then what would stop them from causing you to cheat in the future? Making excuses like this for your cheating only signals to your wife that YOU ARE NOT SAFE.

A word of advice: do not make excuses to your wife about your affair as you did above. This looks to be nothing more than typical pity pandering that we see from waywards.

And the bad thing about you is that this is your second time you have stabbed your wife and children in the back.

Does your wife have all the information about your ho? For example, has she verified herself that she is not married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If this is your second time cheating...then prepare to be served some divorce papers.

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Originally Posted By: SapphireReturns
I have a question...your thread says second time wayward spouse...does this mean you have cheated on her before and she found out?

What's the story?


From his first post, Sapph:

Quote:
I posted here and visited here seven years ago amidst the wreckage that was generated by my first affair.


He had an affair 7 years ago, came here and used MB to sucker his wife into forgiving him recover, then decided to have a second affair which was exposed 3 days ago.


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I am always shocked when a Wayward posts here and is surprised that everyone calls them on their BS. Sir, you have had not one affair, but two. There is nothing you can say that will mitigate the horror of that. Your "significant" events did not in any way cause you to have an affair: your selfishness and your desire to do whatever you feel like did.

Stayawhile, here is the very hard truth I have learned since my H's affair. You are still foggy. You will be foggy for a long time. It is does not matter if you see it that way or not. You probably disagree with this assessment BECAUSE you are foggy. You would be best served to take my word for it and the word of all the wonderful posters here.

It is like any other addiction. You are going to take a long time to get it out of your system. Not just your addiction to the OW, but your MAJOR addiction to your self-centered ways.

Man up. Stop defending yourself. You haven't done anything that you should be defending. Realize that doing it your way has screwed things up big time. Start doing things the RIGHT way. Your WIFE'S way. The MB way. I would stay as far from traditional marriage counseling as you possibly can. It DOES not work and will harm your wife even more.

We'll see if you stick around here.


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Originally Posted By: Vibrissa
He had an affair 7 years ago, came here and used MB to sucker his wife into forgiving him recover, then decided to have a second affair which was exposed 3 days ago.


Then I am afraid we can't help him, the only thing I can think that will give him hope on saving his marriage is...

If she divorces him, then years down the road maybe 5 years she might see the change and remarry him.

Because wheels told me if I cheated on him one more time then it is OVER!! I would totally do the SAME THING!!

Sorry, good luck to ya.

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