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I would say he is attempting to normalise his activity and relationship with this woman. He also seems to enjoy rubbing the A in your face, by what you report he has a penchant for this. This is very sick/unhealthy behavior.
But, really it does not matter what he is doing. There is no one answer to "why". You will drive yourself nuts antagonising about your WH. You need to stop it.
Take back control of your emotional circumstances. I know you are trying, but you keep looking back. I am really glad that the "pillar of salt" rule does not aply. ;-)
I am pulling for you.
Last edited by barbiecat; 07/27/10 12:09 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Hi Atena, I intended writing something intelligent on this thread a while ago but then a friend rang me for a long chat and now I'm too tired to be in any way intelligent. I am in a Plan B ish cum Plan D and quite liking it actually. Also I am 44 years old and in recent times am having to beat away the men with a knobbley stick.  Dating enough to know that nothing has gone rusty so don't give up. There's big demand out there for strong, independant women, which happily, is the market I'm in.  My WH is still with OW and flaunting it too so I know how you feel. Make sure you get to laugh a lot, it's a great therapy. Best of luck, Tully
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Thank you all for posting, it means a lot to me as I am reminded there is a life out there (it is good to know that one day I will be able to date again and that there are men who would be interested and nice)
I am also reminded how much my WH loves to be cruel about the A and show it right to my face. He thinks I much deserve to be betrayed...for what I do not know. I only did nice things and cared very much for my WH when we were still together.
And Pep thank you for startin a whole thread to remind me of the brain thing...that thing that WS do not seem to use that much or just parts of it...the ones we evolved from eons ago.
blessing
atena
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Atena, I get into that obsession mode and with time it fades.
The issue is that you are still looking for signs of your old H, the man you loved for years. As long as someone else is pulling their chain (OW) they are no longer the men we knew. They are something much less.
It was difficult for me to accept and I just got a peek yesterday that nothing has changed.
THe OW are toxic and poison their souls. The only road back is when they get dumped for the fog clears.
Also I loved what you wrote on someone else's thread...
Turnips are red but have no blood, in Italy we say: no use trying to take blood out of a turnip.
But we can try!!!
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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We can try...but there is no blood.
No body recognized my WH.
She will never dump him, she is a desperate dumb-sell in distress who had no life previous to her A with WH. she has two problem kids one of whom, now, she has managed to put in full custody of her unfaithfull serial cheating xH.
WH and OW travel together and she is thrilled with this new lifestyle that she never had before as she was stuck home with those 2 kids.
She is clingy and needy and in due time will put pressure. Then WH will dump her, but she will not dump him.
You know what...he deserves what he has now,
blessing
atena
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Hi all, just a little update.
I am in the States staying at SIL. My son is with me. WH is also in the States now but it seems like he has planned to be here when son is with me so he does not have to interact with him. WHv saw son only for 5 days when he could have spent a month with him if he wanted to.
WH brought up OW to son but not in the context of a relationship with him but just as a friend who participates in the same activities he does.
WH told SIL that he is happy me and son are spending time together with her family because this represents a further step in our separation process.
I have to remind myself that WH is in the fog, but it has been a year now since we separated and it seem to me this situation is beyond repair.
Son tells me that his dad does not address anything with him and that their relationship is now based on small talk.
Please let me know if you have any words of wisdom and support. It is hard to be back here in the states without WH. We lived here together for a number of years is I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that our M might be over for good
blessing
atena
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atena
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Hi Atena,
thanks for the update.
I remember when XH moved out October 1 and when we went back to see my family at Christmas the first time without him. It was just awful walking into my sister's house on Christmas Eve and just that big void.
Statistics say it takes up to 2 years for the A to implode. My XH has been in this 26 months and marrying "It" so I can't rely on that statistic.
What I continue to do is work on myself, enjoy my DDs, and try to live my life the best I can even though the rug was pulled out under me.
I don't know what will happen but I do know that God is taking care of me, my family and XH. I need to sit here and wait for the karma bus.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Atena, the only thing I can offer you is to tell you that these feelings are normal and that they get better. The two most annoying things I would hear when I first went into plan B were, "Everything happens for a reason," and, "Time heals all wounds." It really is true though. Live your life. Focus on your healing and you will be fine. Some days, I feel like I am just getting by. Other days, I LOVE being alive. It's still a bit of a roller coaster, but it is to be expected. You need to walk THROUGH this, you can't avoid it. You did the right things and you continue to do the right things. You should have solace in that.  Take care
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Thank you for your posts!
I guess people keep telling me that when a relationship is over one must move on.
I do not see it as over yet, that is the problem.
In reality, for my WH, it is over. He has moved on, I have not.
This is the hardest part.
Also, my SIL made me notice that WH is not bringing up OW with anybody thus keeping the A still a secret. Yes, everybody knows, but so far it seems that he has not openly admitted it to anyone...he spent time with his family this summer and OW did not accompany him. Unless he has brought up the A just recently he is still keeping it secret and that keeps it alive!
blessing
atena
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Hi guys,
I just heard that WH was about to move in with OW, but that her kids do not want him around. The neighbors heard OW daughter call OW "wh@re" loud enough so everyone in the building could hear. OW told one of the neighbors that WH would have gladly moved in with her but that her kids are against it....well what do you think this will do to the A?
Would it make it more exciting since OW kids make it harder for WH and OW?
It has been almost 11 months of plan B and the A is going strong.
I was re-reading Surviving an A and Dr. Harley says that most A die a natural death after 6 months but very few go for 2 years. I am not sure, but maybe he needs to update that because lots of A seem to go well over 6 months and not too few go over the 2 year mark.
What makes the A end once it is exposed if we are talking about an A (like my WH's) where he believes she is his soul mate and theiy are deeply in love?
blessing
atena
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In a dark Plan B .... you should/would not know anything about .... what neighbors say is going on in crud-land.
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You are totally right...!!
but I guess I am hanging on to any possibility which would make the A look shaky...I do not want to lose hope...I know I am crazy but I still would like to R the M
blessing
atena
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You are not crazy.
You are also not doing a very good Plan B.
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you are right Pepperband, my plan B sucks. I still listen when people tell me about WH and ask more questions to find out more about what he is up to.
There is no justification to what I am doing. I can only say that as days and months go by I am losing hope that WH will ever end the A and/or even think about R the M.
In reading Surviging an A I can only say that Sue and Jon's example might not work in my case as my kid is older and out of the home. So I really do not know what to use to keep my hope alive.
blessing
atena
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I know, I am saying it sucks because it really does. I should not want to know what he is up to, but can you realistically go on for months or years without ever wanting to know?
blessing
atena
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Hi all,
I have been on plan B now for 3 and half months. H never ever tried to contact me. When he did he used the IM and was very to the point.
I see him at work very rarely and never face to face, always from a distance. He never ever tried to come and see me or talk to me. I feel very sad today as I really think is behaviour says that R is impossible. His A with OW is still going but he only sees her for quality time as they do not live together..so he does not have to put up with her kids.
I have exposed to everyone at work and to our parents,sibling etc..As a result, at work, everyone talks to me in a commiserating voice treating me as a victim. Their interactions with my H have not changed and they are kind and polite to him as ever. They have lunch with him and no body has isolated him in any form or manner. My IL do not call me nor interact with me. At Xmas they did not even call to wish me Merry Xmas.
I am close to my 3 sisters in law who are supportive, but they do not bother their brother at all.
I should be feeling better by now, but I do not. It is hard for me not to talk to H and not to be able to see him or call him. It is hurting me more than helping me. I miss my H so much and the jelousy towards OW is not going away.
Please, if any plan B person can offer some words of wisdom I would appreciate it.
blessings (above quote) Your first post on this "Plan B is too hard" topic. Thu Jan 21 2010 05:23 AMNo one can help you with your struggle. I should be feeling better by now, but I do not. It is hard for me not to talk to H and not to be able to see him or call him. I Because you are still allowing yourself to get WH/OW updates. If it helped you feel better, no one would care. But, you always feel worse after allowing an "update". So, my feelings about your predicament kind of boil down to: "whatever you choose I will respect".It is what it is. Your variety of Plan B is "too hard" on YOU. But, it's the choice YOU make. Not my call.
Last edited by Pepperband; 09/02/10 09:25 AM.
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You are 100% right. If I were following a good plan B I would feel better by now. And finding out about WH and OW really does not help ending the A any faster.It probably keeps it alive and well as I am unable to detach.
Often times, I think, when the BS finally detaches and moves on with her life things start to crumble in A land...
blessing
atena
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FYI
I am not criticizing you.
I am merely pointing out what "is" is.
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