Thank you Pepperband, I know you are not and if I am unable to do any better is certainly something that, at this point, i can't help.
blessing

atena, I don't believe I've posted to you before but we ar eboth in the same pickle. I also had a very poorly executed plan b but lately I've been getting better. i just want to respond to your comment on "wanting to not know". I'm not sure we will ever get to that place but be aware that wanting and doing are 2 separate things. I still want to know what WW is up to but I know deep inside that it will only keep me where I am so whenever I begin to think or feel that way I find myself something else to do or think about. At times I feel like calling someone who would know what WW is up to but I'm aware that at that point in time it's the last person I SHOULD talk to so I call someone who hasn't been involed or knows of the situation. It's hard but you can do it. I agree that getting to the point where you do not want to know would feel like hope is lost but if you ever get there it seems to me it won't matter at that point if you feel hope is gone. Problem is as we stand in the way we currently feel we don't want to lose it. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

OK. You can't help it.
From now on, you forfeit your right to complain about the results of your own choices.
That's the price you pay for "I can't help it".

As humans we all complain about the result of our choices...so I am not sure I will not complain again...and this forum is helpful as it is a venting valve...
L4S, thank you for sharing your situation. I appreciated your words, and your too Pepperband, is just that none of us are perfect..
blessing

Reminds me of a saying I heard last week....

"You can always choose your actions, but you CAN'T choose the consequences."

We are our own worst enemies but we can always do better. Right now I do run into XH and PP because of the job situation. It is a choice I made because DD wanted to finish school here and I did not want to disrupt her life anymore than what had happened.

It was tough and devastating at the beginning running into either or both of them. Schoolbus gave me some great tips on how to deal with this and it really helped to build confidence and strength. They are the losers not me. I did not deserve this and everytime I see them they are the uncomfortable ones.

I do stay out of their way and avoid their buildings as much as I can but I have a job to do and I am not going to have them stop me from doing what I have to do.

Is it Plan B absolutely not but I call it Plan P...for Pigs

Blessings.

Very few people on this forum have perfect plan Bs. And they still come here and vent or say that they answered that message from WS and shouldn't have done that...
Also the MB idea that most A end within 6 months and at most survive 2 years is to be revised. It gives false hope and expectations.
Dr. Harley should update SA and put new examples; the copyright is from 1998 and I do not think he published an updated version but correct me if I am wrong. He surely must have new statistics and insights since he does this job daily so it would be nice to have an updated version of SA.
I think that with Facebook and all the instant messaging A are impacted and that should be taken into consideration because this modern tachnology allows A to go on undetected for months or years and by the time they are discovered the WS and OP believe they are soul mates and that makes the A so much harder to break.
Just my 2 cents
blessing

I can't agree with this, because even in those cases where the A has gone UNDETECTED for long periods of time, as soon as it is exposed, in many cases, the A either implodes or the 'romance' of the A is taken away with the reality of families and friends pressures.

atena, in my case, I did not do a stellar plan B until I realized I was hurting myself with contact, and that contact was in no way going to be the thing that brought my WH back.

If contact hurts you, why do it if it can be avoided? (and by contact I even mean getting intel on their relationship from family and friends---I would make it clear to them that you want to know nothing of your WH and his OW)

I have faith in that 2 year guess-timate too but now it has been 27 months with the affairage next month.

Holyhearts H has been in his A for more than 2 years and same as Chai's which is probably closer to 4 years?

If only 3%-6% of these A survive why is it ours?

I believe they will eventually implode and if not they will be in their next "loveless" affairage.

They are not soulmates - just soul-less.

thank you Silentlucidity

some people are effected by these pressure but some WS seem to be able to insulate themselves very well and I think the fog helps them do that. They litterally do not give a rat's behind about what other people think. That is why I think that there is more to an A that just fantasy and secrecy because not all A die after exposure, if that were to be the case then we could say for sure that fantasy and secrecy are the glue.

blessing

that is my point too. They do last and the WS and OP do develop deep feelings for each other. Maybe soul-less, but to them those feelings are real.
These A are addictions just like alcohol. Alcohlism can go on for years. The high is the payoff for the misery they experience afterwards but as long as OP is around to provide the high this can go on for quite a while.
I think it is more realistical to say that one should expect an A to last up to 5 years.
blessing

I agree.

Right now, though, this is immaterial. What is best for you is what matters now that you are in Plan B? Is it best for you to hear about OW and your WH and their lives together? If this information makes you feel better, than by all means, continue with the intel.

People here don't give a hoot about what is happening with your WH and OW because they want for YOU to find peace and to heal as best you can. From our experience, the less contact and intel you have on WH, the better you will be able to move forward in your own life

...and you have a choice to remain intertwined in the muck of his addiction, or remove yourself and heal.

ok, yes, the important thing is that I move on and not what WH does. However, as time goes by those 6 months....2 years ladmarks stick in one's head and create a sort of expectation that turns into frustration when we see that time goes by and WS is not ending the A.
One does follow MB in the hope to R the M, this is at least my goal.
blessing

Atena, I understand why these statistics give you hope and can equally squash those hopes as time passes. Statistics give you a good idea of what could be, but they in no way rule out something different happening.

It is most important that you find ways of dealing with your own day to day life in a healthy way. Detaching from your WH can be VERY healthy. His actions WILL cause you more and more pain, the more you hear about it.



Certainly that's why I did! But you are not following MB if you are not completely dark. You are following plan ATENA.

This darkness from your WH is an opportune time to look at yourself

I think your time could be better spent than getting intel on your WH.

Yes, you are totally right, there a many more productive things to worry about that what WH is doing. It just hurts to know he loves another.
Ultimately so few people are able to fully recover a M and so few As end in a timely manner so as to save endless pain and suffering.
The wises move is to move on and become a better person and think that pretty much the M is done for given that the A is now well established and still quite strong. If anything, the intel help me to see where WH is in terms of his entaglement with OW and he is pretty deep into it.
Knowing this, even if painful, it prepares me for the next step which will be, hopefully soon, to leave my life as if he will not come back.
All signs and info point to tht outcome,
blessing

BUT, many people also do not have MB to back them. They just don't know. I honestly believe that MB saved MY sanity, and although things did not happen in MY time, they happened in such a way that MY personal recovery has been so much better.

As for your WH and OW, you really have no idea what they are thinking or feeling inside; you have no idea about those things that lurk in their heads when the spotlight is not on them. You have no idea what the future will bring...the best thing you can do is become strong so that you can face whatever may be.

Atena, I think this has been a lot harder for you because of the continued contact that you had for months of your Plan B. You may have been in a sort of Plan B for most of those months and you have to understand that you will get there.

It is funny. My WH has been out for 8.5 months now. It is unbelievable for me that it has been so long. I have had limited amounts of contact with him. I have done a pretty good Plan B. I have moments when I really want to call him. There are even times when I want to ask people about him. I don't though. I still find out some things and it is like a punch to my gut. I honestly don't want to know about what is going on with WH and OW. It doesn't effect me at all. I kind of live like WH is dead. I make decisions for myself and my children on my own. I don't worry about what WH would think, what he will say. I really don't think about it at all. All I think about is today. Today, my WH isn't home. Does that mean that I have lost all hope? Nope. But to be honest, I jst have my timeline of when I will end my Plan B and change to Plan D. If WH comes to me before that deadline and wants to reconcile, I will try. If he comes to me afterwards, we will see.

My BIL asked me, while we were camping if I thought that WH would come home. I told him that I hoped he would but I didn't really know. Then he asked me what I would do if WH came home and a year into recovery, I found out that WH had been lying the whole time and the A didn't end. I told him that I would simply go back into Plan B.

I don't think that you need to lose hope to do a full on Plan B. I believe that you just have to get your mindset into what is best for you. That would be to get as dark as possible.

So, are you in a place of your own yet? If not, how is the search going? If so, are you excited to paint and decorate it the way you want?

Does anyone know what the best answer is to give people when they tell you: well when a H has not been in love with his wife for a long time it is only natural he will seek another woman.
So many people seem to think this way I am just fed up. I should just ignore them, but I would like them to understand that the love they develop for OW ultimately deprives them of the love they have for their wife...am I wrong?
blessing

This is normal fog babble. XH tried to tell me, family, friends everyone who would listen that our M was dead for 5 years, 12 years, 19 years , from the beginning depending how many rocks he had in his head that day.

Then why didn't they leave 5 years ago, 12 years ago or not gotten M? Because it is plain crap.

It was not till a 'third party' was involved and then they wanted out and rewrote the history of the M.

I just be honest. I say all M go up and down, has your M been perfect; aren't there times when you want to just walk out the door. But I didn't because I loved my XH. You can't make a M work when a third person is in the M and that is what happened to us. Hard to get along when you are traveling on business and a pig slept in your bed.

Don't let it get to you. WE know what happened and you can't educate anyone that has not gone through this.

Atena, many people have warped sense of reality and many of those same people are in a wayward mindset. They have either been in an active affair or have weak boundaries and are likely to have an affair in their future.

You just smile and say to these people, "I believe that if someone is truly unhappy in their marriage, they should try to fix it. If the problem is unable to be fixed then the couple should divorce before anyone moves on to find another person. It's what marriage vows are all about don't ya think?" As long as you say these types of things with confidence and a smile, no one will have a come back. Really, what would they say to that?