Humbled,

They had cybersex and he basically pleased himself to thoughts, words, and pics of my WW daily.

Only he pleased himself so your wife did not?, I dunno but isn't orgasm technically PA or really close? The whole cybersex thing seem alien to me.

God Bless
Gamma

My H also told OW "I can't talk to you anymore" when she called him.
That's a type of "closure" that WW's hate.
Cold.
Final.
No sweetly worded departure.

GOOD !

Make this a nice FAMILY holiday weekend.
Invite friends/family to join you.
Get picnic food.
Plan an outing.
If WW goes along ... that's fine .... if NOT that's fine too.
Take the kids to a park and have fun with or without her.. <~~~ Which is part of plan A, Humbled.

She won't see an attorney.

OM is no longer going to be the bigger obstacle.
Your WW's roller coaster has just begun.

Buckle up.
Hang on.

Humbled, you might consider letting OMW know that your WW attempted to contact him on FB.

I think it would be a good idea.

When OW called my H, and he told her he would not speak to her , my H told me about the call. Right away, I called OW .... which was very much the opposite of what OW wanted/expected.

Me calling her back took ALL the fun out of calling my H ... the WIFE calls back.

Really, one of the best things that could happen is ~~~> OMW calls your WW and reads her the riot act for the FB contact.

YOU don't need to let WW know that you know about the FB contact .... but it would really help your wife if OMW called your wife on the carpet for that contact.

Don't bring it up. Don't ask her how she's going to pay for it. Nothing. She's doing this to upset you like you upset her when you took away her drug.

Here's what you do: Pretend you never heard her say it. Let her bring it up. When/if she does, act a little surprised, like it's the first you've heard of it. Then let HER ask YOU about paying the $100. Continue to be surprised, like paying $100 for a divorce consultation is the last thing in the world you would consider. Tell her "Oh, I'd never consider paying anything to D you. I love you and our marriage and I know we can make it a fantastic one together."

Um, thanks for calling that out, Gamma! My wife and I have already talked about it, and I know she has. I just don't like to talk about it...

{{{{Humbled}}}}}

Nicely played!!!!

You done well.....don't doubt that.

EVERY SINGLE WORD AND ACTION coming from your WW is par for course. All the great people on here, including me, have seen and heard it all before. BELIEVE THAT!!!! It will help you get through this.

and while she spews all the usual and unoriginal fogbabble, STAY COOL, CALM, AND COLLECTED.....think Clint Eastwood.

Not much to add to what has been already been said, just wanted to CONGRADULATE you on STANDING TALL for your marriage.....

Not2fun

Humbled,

I wanted to offer you my kudos for what you�ve done. You�ve taken steps to get to recovery that I never had the guts to take.

That being said, allow me to give you this perspective:

If you do D, it will suck for a while but you�ll be ok. I feared my WXW like you did and I allowed the fear to control me. I believed the lies about letting her do things her way. I ended up divorced, separated from my kids, out of a job, and basically homeless and living off the charity of HER friends. I ended up in a mental ward for a week since I was also dealing with coming home from a deployment at the same time as all of this happened.

Now? I�m remarried to a wonderful woman, I see my kids regularly, and I feel complete indifference (if not a little disgust) towards my ex. I have a great job, great wife, and am buying a new house soon.

My message is that I see hope for you in recovering your marriage, but if you don�t there is hope and life after divorce.

You�re just a few steps into the recovery process. Believe it or not, you will be the greatest threat to your marriage down the road. Your initial shock from all of this will wear off and your desperation to get her back is what has driven you and will drive you for a while. Once her fog clears and she comes back, you will then start to question if you really want her back and will be dealing with all the triggers of FB, the messages, and everything else she did.

You stand to get over those things a little easier than if had become a PA, but the nagging thoughts will continue for a while and you�ll seriously question if you really want her.

That�s way down the road. For now hang on through the rollercoaster of emotions and I commend you for having the guts to do what you needed to do. Don�t willingly participate in any way with her attempts to get a D and clarify to her that if she goes down that path that you will not make it easy in any way and will fight for custody of the kids and make her affair a matter of public record and will submit all her messages as evidence.

This will help defog her.

Thanks, helpthelostdads. I trust everyone here enough to know you can sometimes predict things I can't, but I will say this:

On wanting her back: I have seriously considered this. I DO. I can say that unequivocably. But only if she comes back healed of this hole she has in herself. I live in a glass house. I can't throw stones. I forgive her for getting lost, because I have ben lost before in my life too and unintentionally hurt the ones I loved the most.

On being the greatest threat to my recovery down the road: When I first went to therapy for my issues, I felt like I "woke up" from 30+ years of living in a bubble - the kind of bubble you put yourself in when you're abused as a kid. And all of a sudden I was emotionally open and loving and forgiving, and ready to really, deeply connect to this wonderful DW who had stuck by me all these years.

Then I realized she was gone and replaced by an abusive WW monster. And I couldn't seem to put the walls back up that I had just cruumbled down in myself in hopes of being a better person. And it hurt. And I didn't have any of the old defense mechanisms I used to have. And I took shot after shot to the gut for three months without ever, ONCE using anger to shield myself. I let myself FEEL the pain, the anxiety, the sadness.

During this time I've gotten angry with God. And I've wondered: "Why now? Why wake me up emotionally now just so I can feel this awful pain and be abused yet AGAIN? Why not wake me up 1-2 years ago when I could have healed my marriage? Why not wake me up a year from now so I could still have been a class A jerk through this and at least protect myself as I tossed my WW out and applauded as her and OM ran off together and imploded, and then enjoyed rejecting and judging her when she came crawling back?" (because that's what I would have done before)

Now I know why. I woke up to be cleansed by fire. When recovery comes (which I hope it does), I am READY to deliver unconditional love to my wife and expect little to nothing in return for some time. And when triggers happen, I am ready to talk about them openly and honestly, without AOs. I have conquered most, if not all of my LBs. I have broken my abusive cycle. If anyone reading this realizes they have been abusive, let me tell you - it's all about fear. Stop being afraid of rejection, of not being loved, of pain. I am not afraid of pain anymore. Let yourself feel it and never, ever, be afraid of it.

Don't worry, when recovery comes I'll handle triggers in a way that will make my wife want to comfort me, not defend herself.

Humble, I predict you will come out of all this with a better marriage than you had before, if you stick to these principles. And let me explain. Your wife is an addict. When an addict gives up the addiction, something has to take its place. It is critical for the recovery of your marriage that a loving, romantic marriage fills that empty spot. If you methodically implement the concepts of this program that is what you will end up with.

This is so where marriages go wrong. Like you have observed, most marriages don't divorce over adultery. BUT...very, very few ever really recover. They limp along in a crippled state that is much worse that the pre-affair marriage.

This is how you can be different if you follow this program. Dr Harley is one of the very few who even BELIEVE in the concept of romantic love. That is what you can have with this program.

I would start by throwing out the concept of "unconditional love." That concept is a disaster to marriages that leads to false expectations of entitlement. It is in her best interest and the best interest of your marriage to NOT engage in unconditional love. This article was a real eye opener for me, and I think you will agree: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

To go along with Mel -

A couple of articles that deal with 'Unconditional Love'

Link 1

Link 2

Link 3

Unconditional love can destroy your marriage. Conditional love can help it thrive.

Happy reading

Thanks for the articles. Fair enough, but I mostly meant Plan A, where I don't expect a lot in return for some time. For the long-term state of our marriage, she needs to learn how to meet my ENs and avoid my LBs. My love will be conditional on that.

Not a shocker, but know what one of my biggest LBs is?

HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A A-HOLE ON FB!

There, I said it. Might not be an obvious one to my wife, but yeah, that behavior will HAVE TO GO. To be fair, I never specifically mentioned that one to her over the years, so maybe it was just a misunderstanding on her part. Poor WW

By jove, I may think you've got it!


Ya THINK?!?!?



Poor WW - what were you thinking with such POOR communication....




Sorry - sometimes you need to inject some levity into the madness....

Trust me to forget to ask the obvious: how do you know she's really made an appointment? When she brings it up, and you are in the middle of acting all surprised at the very thought of D, try to get the attorney's name. I'd like to hear how readily she'll give that to you.

Humbled, I must say, I am absolutely jealous of you right now. I wish that my exposure was as explosive as yours. You have done very well my friend. KUDOS.

Don't listen to what WW has to say right now and become really good at reverse babble. You seem to be really good at it so far. I haven't seen it posted for a while, but when I first got here, almost a year ago, the posters would always say that listening to a wayward is like hearing the teacher from Peanuts. Wah wah wah wah wah wah. That's what you should be hearing when you listen to your WW right now. But DO NOT LAUGH IN HER FACE. Like Mel said, it would be a huge LB to laugh in her face.

You have done so well. Don't go back on us now. Keep strong and do a great job. You can do this. You are amazing. YAY YAY.

HELP! A little update and mostly a good day until the end...

So, been in communication with OMW. She is considering working on it with him. He is seeing a therapist. She is demanding he put EPs in place (YAY).

Problem: Got a call from WW at work today. She said she talked to SIL all day. SIL offered to let her come and stay with her for awhile. Wouldn't be so bad except she lives ONE HOUR FROM OM! I tried to call her SIL to ask her to reconsider, but she hasn't picked up. Concerned that WW lied to/manipulated her. Crap! She is trying to get closure through PA, I know it!

Help?

You can't control if this goes PA or not. There are only a couple of things that you can do.

first GET A GPS ALREADY AND PUT IT IN HER CAR.

second, tell OMW about this new development. Let her know that he will need to be ever vigilant on her side to make sure that OM is not going anywhere near WW.

Also, what is going to happen with the kiddos? Is she taking them with her? I would try to stop that from happening.

All you CAN do is make this harder for her. You can not control her actions. Breathe.

If it turns out to be true, I will notify OMW.

She won't have her car - she'd be flying there to stay with her sister. But I don't underestimate the addiction - if she's one hour away she will try to find a way to physically meet. Especially in the mindset she's in now (hates me/divorcing).

Also, she is freaking me out a little. She's not raging, just crying and still saying the same thing. Still script?

Yes, still script.
Your wife is starting to realize she was used as a sex toy by OM.
It's not how we girls want to think of ourselves.

Humbled, don't let this bother you. The affair is in the death throes. If she wants to go, I would be sure and tell the SIL the full story. You will be ok. The Titanic is sinking and she is frantically trying to save it. It can't be saved.