Kiddos are doing better. Yesterday when I got home she was cuddling with them under a blanket and actually smiling for them. (YAY!)

Not sure for this weekend - taking it day by day. I'll take the kids to do the usual Saturday chores with me today that we would normally do as a family, and I'll invite her if she wants to come. As for tomorrow and Monday I'm going to plan some fun activities out of the house. Maybe the park, or the state fair.

Humbled-

Now, YOU have a real-word plan, which is working for you.

The waywards are, generally speaking, intertwined with their fantasy plans, which are real-world removed.

That is where your real power and actual authority dwell, in your real world plans.

Steady as she goes.
Stick to the plans.

Your marriage will improve.
It takes time, a plan, and effort.

Simple, but not easy.

Already starting - I got up this morning and made all the beds, got the kids dressed and got them breakfast. (Domestic Support is big for her) I made a list today for the store (grocery shopping, running errands, etc.), groomed myself and dressed in a way she likes. She was on the phone with her mom.

Me: "I'm taking the kids shopping and on errands. You can come if you like. Need anything?"

WW: "I don't know."

(after getting ready to walk out door)

Me: "Okay kids, give Mommy a kiss and hug goodbye." (to WW) "If you think of anything you want or need, call me and let me know."

WW: "You guys can wait for me if you want, I'll go. Or not, it's up to you."

Too funny.

Humbled, I would correct this little problem TODAY and get it out of the way. Let me explain why. Your W beleives that as long as the OM still believes her LIES, that there is hope. She is counting on this in order to pursue her affair again.

If you get the truth of her lies to the OM, it will be the nail in the coffin. It will DASH all of her hopes.

This needs to be done NOW so she gives up that hope NOW and you can move onto recovery. She will not move onto recovery until all hope is gone.

And lastly, agreeing to the above was another act of ENABLING on your part, something that has poisoned your marriage. It is not an act of compassion or love. For her to believe that you will help her LIE is not the kind of message you want to send to a wayward. She needs to know you will help her be GOOD and that you love her too much to help her be BAD.

Correct this mistake now, humbled. Get it done while things are still in an uproar so you can move on in the future.

You're probably right, Humbled. However - the W you know is not is residence right now. Discount nothing.


She is totally pissed at you right now, and I suspect the last thing she wants from you is comfort. I suspect she's beginning to reconnect with the kids as her fogginess lessens. Like Pepper said, active waywards are lousy parents. I think she's been emotionally neglecting them in order to concentrate on her A. She'll come back around to you, though.


Tighten your belt, because it's not over yet. But you'll be okay because you did it right!

Need some help with fogbabble. We're in Day 3 after exposure, and she is not screaming or irate anymore (no death threats today). But she is wanting to talk, and is saying things that are throwing me off a bit. Help with responses?

WW: "I should hate OM, shouldn't I? I'm trying to hate him so I can get over him. I should hate him, right?"
Me: "YES. You should hate him. You came clean at your house and your whole marriage and life are a mess. He didn't, and when I exposed him, he threw you under the bus and told his wife you meant nothing."
WW: "Yeah, but he had to do that to save his marriage, right?"
Me: "No. He could've done what you did. Instead he told his wife you meant nothing and dropped you like a hot potato."
(Okay, this exchange was a tough one, because I know I'm not supposed to talk with her about OM, but how could I resist this?)

WW: "Do you hate me for what I did?"
Me: "Hate is a strong word. I don't hate you, I love you. But I think what you did to me is horrendous and unacceptable, and I won't tolerate it in a marriage."
Me: "Do you think I should?"
WW: "Yes. I think you should kick me out on the street with nothing and never look back."
(how did I do here?)

WW: (pretty much all day whenever I am nice or decent or pleasant to her) "You don't have to be nice to me. I don't deserve it."
(what do I say to that?)

I think you did VERY well.

As far as the last one, you may want to let her know that you are nice to her because YOU choose to treat her that way.

Also, just general craziness today (Day 3). Not sure how to respond sometimes - I think we're past the robotic "I'm fighting for my marriage and family." response. Any advice is appreciated.

She has been ALL OVER THE BOARD today. Let's see, she decided to go out to lunch and shopping wiht me and the kids. On the way out, she sees a painting/roofing service at the neighbors and says, "We really need some of that stuff done on the house. You should go get a card. Do you have it in the budget for this year or next year?" (HUH?)

Then at lunch, she says "My mom offered to help me pay for the D." My response: "Okay." Then she says, "Either that or I will wait until I get a job and save up the money."

She finally used the kids to try and hurt me at lunch today (so sad). She told my daughter, "That's right, Mommy and Daddy are living in separate grown-up rooms for awhile and then Mommy is going to move out and get her own apartment." I gave her no reaction whatsoever, and she dropped it after that. But it pissed me off. I'll talk to my daughter in private later.

Then she asks me about OMW and I say, "I'm done talking about them." She gets teary-eyed and says, "You never talk about anything anymore! I'm walking home!" and storms out of restaurant, leaving me and kids there. Five minutes later she comes back "It's too far to walk in my flip-flops. Drop me off at home on the way to the store." So I just drive straight to the store and she says nothing until we're inside, and then says, "You were supposed to drop me off at home." My response, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Must have been on autopilot." She drops it and doesn't seem to care.

Almost forgot - the self-pity party! She told me today she was going to just "get all frumpy and dumpy now because she never wanted another man to look at her again."

Mrs H .... GROW UP !

It may help to view her as you would a drug addict in withdrawal. Be her lighthouse and stay calm and confident.

Remember the basics of Plan A. Meet her needs. Avoid lovebusters. Be vigilant about the affair.

By the way, what have you told the kids so far? How old are the kids? Have you exposed to them too?

Apologize if you have already posted this information, but I haven't had time to read your whole thread. I can tell you that my sitch is close to yours in that my wife's affair started as a serious EA. Went PA in June. I have been in Plan A for about 9 months with an unrepentant, active wayward. I think I have worked a pretty good Plan A and I've heard it all from my WW.

She is just baiting you right and left. It's like I said about going down the rapids. Right now she is throwing everything out that comes to mind. Sad to hear that she said that to your daughter.

Humbled, you are going to have to explain this situation truthfully to your DD before your wife really screws her up. I have no doubt that your W will try to discuss her OM with your DD if she hasn't already.

She needs to be told about your wife's affair and that she is not in her right mind now. Let her know that you are doing evrything to save your marriage and that it is very unlikely to result in divorce. Your DD should be encouraged to ask your wife questions about her adultery and explain why she would ruin her family for ...............THAT.

THAT will wake up your very foggy wife.

After this discussion I would tell your W what you have discussed and that she needs to STOP telling your DD you are getting a divorce unless it is true.

That is truly despicable of her to use your DD in this way.

Also, humbled, I would be describing a future divorce in the most possible horrific light. Let her know this:

1. I will countersue on grounds of adultery

2. i will have OM and his wife subpoenaed to testify under oath about the affair

3. I will sue for full possession of the home and primary custody of the children

4. you will have to move out and get a job to support yourself and pay child support to me.

5. I will give you no spousal support and I WILL NOT BE YOUR "FRIEND"

6. I will fight the divorce every step of the way so I hope you have lots and lots of money to defend yourself.

7.I will make sure our kids know what you did to their family. that you broke it up over a sleazy online affair with a married man

Tell her this, H. Give her a reality check of what she faces.

MB, I love that!

Pretty much sums it up, doesn't it.

Now's the time for reality to meet your WW, Humbled. Present it to her just like Mel says. It will not be agreeable to her, and that's as it should be. Present it just like Mel says.

Update - end of Day 3

Things got a little crazy tonight, more rage and WW threatened to go find someone to have a ONS with tomorrow if I didn't give her a D. I stood firm and she stormed out of my bedroom.

When she calmed down she popped her head out of the fog for a bit. We had a four-hour heart-to-heart. It was like the old us talking for most of it (I saw the ugly fog raise its head a few times, but she was mostly coherent, remorseful, and unselfish!)

WW agreed that she needed to get through her withdrawal before she could really see straight or think about "us". She agreed to stay here at home and stop all the divorce talk for at least 2-3 months (happy!). She acknowledged though that she would need to stay in the guest room for a while and would need time to go through the process and emotions.

I hope this sticks! (I think it will so long as I don't commit any huge LBs) I'm exhausted but I'll do my best to fill out the EN questionnaire tomorrow and get help with a solid Plan A.

I know most of you will have no mercy but the following made me feel sad for her. I asked her before I went to bed if she was sure she could do this. Her response, "Yes. Besides...I have no place else to go." I know it's just self-pity but it made me sad. I've messed my life up before to the point where everyone was disappointed in me. I know what a lonely place that is.