Agree she had the affair because she had poor boundaries, but you are missing one of the reasons your marriage had issues in the first place. What ENs of hers are you not meeting. My bet would be conversation. If it's true that she has talked to this guy for hours, then you need to work more on conversation. Part of that has to do with you being home.

Did you hear back from your boss' boss? Are they going to move your family down to Mexico? Are you applying for new jobs?

She filled out her EN worksheet last week. Conversation was the biggest one we have been lacking. Our conversations have been about kids, bills, work, etc. I need to work on this. She also listed recreational companionship as a big need of hers. This surprised me. When I am in town, we do alot of family activities together. I guess she needs alone time with me. Not just our time together in the bedroom at night. This is kinda hard to do with me being gone all the time.

Still no word from my boss's boss yet. I will push the issue and make them tell me something. I will not let her become my ex-wife and assume the role of a weekend dad.

So this means your family is not going to be left behind, right? You're taking them with you to Mexico, yes?

For now, I have to go back to Mexico alone. Her passport is expired. She is in the process of getting it renewed. My kids all have current passports.

This will be my last trip to Mexico alone. If my company does not allow my family to move over there with me, I am going to resign. I cannot work productively under the constant threat of any OM's invading my family.

Have you checked into getting a PASS card for her? If you are completely unable to get her into Mexico, do you have a trusted female friend or relative who can keep tabs on her?

I did not look into a pass card before I came to Mexico. I had to leave alone. She told me last night that she is still talking to OM. She said that he is still unemployed and that his house burnt down yesterday. She said he is trying to collect from his insurance company for the loss.

She agreed and swore to NC before I left for Mexico. She now admittedly tells me that she is breaking it. Why is she doing this? It seems like she is purposely throwing it in my face.

I have been looking but still have not found another job that will allow me to stay home with my family. I will hate to be unemployed but I think I need to resign from my current job and stay home to try to fix this situation.

I forgot to mention, the way she is contacting OM is through her cell phone. She went to the AT&T store and completely blocked me from the account. She then went into the account and unblocked OM. I did not think she could do this. I am the one who pays the bill!

Hi lamdown,

I fully realise that you are trying to handle this situation from long distance. I also realize that you will need time at home to get a grip on it, and that you may not have that amount of time, given that you are a project engineer, and don't want to be thrust into unemployment. In addition, I know for a fact that most employers are willing, and sometimes required, to give family leave for emergencies. I guess attorneys could debate whether or not trying to save a marriage is equivalent to a serious medical condition on the part of a family member. Point is, in my opinion, you will need to get back home ASAP to handle and diffuse this. I hope you have a good relationship with your boss, and that he is understanding in this regard.

Was the AT&T account (and I assume it is a family account) initiated by you, since you pay the bill? If so, AT&T provides a four digit pass code that only you should know. If you shared that with her, and she used it to change any options, well you need to contact AT&T. If you did not share the code she could not possibly do this and you still need to contact AT&T. Somthing is really wrong here.

Are your kids fully apparised of what to do - i.e., to contact you or the local police is the OM visits? I say this after you told us the officer talked to your kids when you attempted to file the RO.

Imho, lamdown, if your WW is flaunting this in your face as she seems to be, then you need to get your butt back. There is total disrespect to you from her. There is a reason she was nicy to you before you left - she could not wait until you were gone, and probably counting the hours, until she could resume the affair.

A history of drinking tho she did not like that in you + being away so long and so much = a lost W.

Since you do have an engineering background lamdown, that is a skill that most people do not have. I feel you could fairly easily find a job with less time away if you really tried.

I know this may be harsh, but know what - I am rooting for you, but you have to change the momentum.

Tom

She was the one who opened the AT&T account since I was in Mexico at the time. However, she gave me the 4 digit passcode so I could go in and pay the bill online. That is how I was able to go in and block OM. Well, she went in and completely had me removed from accessing anything on the account telling them that she was the primary account holder since she opened the account.

Yes, my kids were instructed to call 911 if OM shows up around our house. The police said they could arrest him for criminal trespass since I filed the incident report saying that I did not want him around. However, the officer also said they could not do anything to him if my WW said he was welcome there.

I know I need to get home asap. I do not know if my employer will allow this though. I will check whether family leave is an option here.

You are right, she is flaunting her A in my face and totally disrespecting me. She has been trying to call me today but I am not answering her calls anymore. I am very hurt by her again. Should I continue not taking her calls? Will giving her the cold shoulder do any good?

I know the only reason she is calling me is because in our last conversation I threatened D. I then hung up on her. She is probably concerned that I really mean business this time. I know this was probably not the best reaction on my part but I got upset when she point blank told me that she will not stop contact with OM.

If you are going to attempt a Plan A, you will need to get your emotions in check. You do a Plan A when there is an active affair. It is completely disrespectful that your WW would throw her A in your face but it is, sadly, quite typical when it comes to waywards.

You need to cut off the funding for the phone. You need to show her that you will NOT fund her sleezy affair which will end your marriage. Have you read the carrot and stick of Plan A? You need to do it all. Get your Plan A solid so you can move to Plan B, when the time comes. You can do this.

Yes, I have read the carrot and stick of Plan A. I am trying my best to follow it. I noticed she stopped wearing her wedding ring immediately following her sexual rendevous with OM at the hotel. She has not worn it since. When I asked her about it, she said it was because she has lost weight and it keeps sliding off her finger. I know this is BS.

She also mentioned earlier that she is considering asking OM to buy her a plane ticket so she could go be over there with him. She made no mention of what would happen with the kids if she did this. Neither did she mention how he would buy her the ticket since he is unemployed.

Well lamdown, I am busy cleaning here now, and cleaning the oven now and taking frequent breaks cause my back is hurting. I am the type of guy who has a list of projects, and hell be damned if i will not succeed today...*s*

Anyway, I just saw Scotland's post, and totally agree - I would call AT&T Monday and inform them that the billing on your part will not be paid.

I think, despite you feeling hurt, that not answering her calls since you guys are now long distance is not good. Just a suggestion, but if I were you I would keep the phone conversations pleasant but factual. It is easy to say words over the phone - much easier than in person. I think you need to keep the unpleasantness and the hurt down at this time, and conserve your energy for when you can be home. I don't know how old your kids are, but I would ask to talk with them each time you or she calls, and I would make suggestions to them like having mom take everyone out for a pizza, rent a movie, go to the park, stuff like that to keep your wife occupied.

Other than that lamdown, you are at a disadvantage being away, and I understand that. Just keep the channels of communication open. If she continues to 'brag' about contact with OM, just try to ignore until you get home. There is not a thing you can do about it right now. Keep the channel of communication open with your kids. Since they have been advised of what to do - i.e., if he does appear or if she takes them there - they know what to do.

Well, just good luck and prayers, I don't know what else to say. Perhaps some of the veterans have better thoughts.

Tom

SHOW HER YOU MEAN BUSINESS. Shut off her phone. Shut down the account and re-open it in your name. Re-block the number. If that doesn't work, take out her SIM card. Hide her phone. Re-expose to your kids. You don't let her do this to you. You show the stronger will. Oh, and she told you about this because she's trying to test your boundaries. She wants to see what you'll do. She's addicted and wants both of you, so she'll push the envelope and try and get as much of OM as you will allow. She wants to have the stronger will and just hopes you will continue to accept it like you have the previous 6 months. She still thinks you can be pushed over.

If she continues to behave this way, file for divorce or legal separation. You can always call it off in the future. Cut her off financially and get a mean attorney.

It is very difficult to do these things with me being in Mexico. My company is not willing to bring my family to Mexico with me. I still have not found another job.

I know that the situation is critical and that my wife will leave me for OM if it keeps going on like this. I think I need to resign from my job asap so I can be home to deal with this.

I was thinking. When you go home this weekend, go to the ATT store. Open a new account in your name, and your name only. Open up one line for each person in your family. Put in the account that you do NOT want to let your wife have access to the account. Then, tell them you will no longer pay for the account in her name.

Get a SIM card for each person with a new number. Before changing out the SIM, go to the phone options (call forwarding) and have each phone forward the calls to the new number you are given. Then switch out the SIM. Block OM on the new phone. Destroy the old SIM cards. ATT will eventually end the account if it is not being paid. Your WW won't even know you switched the phones, and you are now back in control of the account.

Actually, that might not work because unblocked calls to the old number that get forwarded to the new number, might not be blocked. She may know you did it, but as long as you are in control of the new account, she can't call OM from that phone.

Now, she may get an affair phone or a new SIM card. All you need to do is just destroy it. New phone, new SIM, destroyed. Repeat the cycle. Just make it difficult and uncomfortable for them to keep in contact. The luster will wear off. She will learn that you have the stronger will.

Also, let your WW know you will be resigning your job. She might freak out that the money well is going to run dry.

Get with a lawyer. Learn your legal rights. Figure out what it would take to get an RO on the OM. Record a conversation and bait him into it. Then when he contacts your wife/family again, he will be arrested. Know your rights. Plan a strategy. You are smarter than OM. You are an engineer. Engineer a solution to your problem. Your problem right now is that your WW is addicted to OM and will continue to contact him as long as access is available and the consequences are not too great to continue. With that in mind, brainstorm some possible solutions.

For me, it's obvious that due to the long distances, your WW can only contact OM by phone or computer. Terminate those methods of communication and restrict your WW's ability to have access to those methods, whether it be financial or otherwise. Your oldest is 19, correct? Does he live at home. Maybe he needs to be the one with access to the family money when you are away. And that is only a temporary solution until you leave your current job. What do you do for a living? How much saving do you have available to last you through unemployment. How much of a paycut can you afford to take? I believe Austin does still have a good housing market, so you can probably unload your house without taking a major financial hit.

This is what you need to be thinking about. Don't let your head spin out of control or wallow in your own despair. Focus on things you can be doing to improve your situation.

Personally, I think you are in a much better off position than most that come here. Your WW is not going anywhere, she hasn't even told you she is going to divorce you. Your marriage is perfectly salvageable. What you have to guard against is allowing her to cake-eat until you get to a point of no return and no longer want to salvage the marriage. You need to end the affair before you are done. Everyone gets to that point when they've had enough abuse. Believe it or not, I think you'll get to that point before your WW ever would think seriously about leaving your for OM. She just wants to maintain both right now. You for the money and the family, and OM for the conversation and admiration. You make it impossible for her to have both.

These are all very good ideas. I will definitely implement some of them. You are right, I have been wallowing in my despair and have not been thinking clearly. This has been really hard on me. I hardly eat or sleep anymore. I also get panic attacks at times.

I told my WW that I plan to resign. She really freaked out! She said that it is a bad idea and that it would not help our situation. She also treatened to divorce me if I did do it. We do not have very much savings to make it through an extended period of unemployment. I am willing to take a big paycut in order to be abe to stay home with my family.

I want to believe what you are saying about her not going anywhere. But she has told me numerous times that if OM showed up and asked her to, she would leave with him. She also said OM proposed marriage to her while he was in town. She said she told him she would marry him if we were to divorce.

Everyone but her knows that her and OM won't work. It's time to call her bluff. You should have called it earlier, and now she's in deeper. She's only going to get deeper and deeper into this thing the longer you allow it to go on. Right now you are at home and OM is a 1000+ miles away. Do something while you still have that advantage. Even if it my idea doesn't work out, you will eventually be able to eat and sleep again, your kids will respect you for standing up for yourself, and your WW's A will die more quickly. You can always stop a divorce or remarry, but you've got to kill this affair first. Don't kill yourself watching it continue.

Honestly, if you did quit your job, what's your WW going to do? She's going to have to get off her lazy butt and work. She's going to have to worry about bills. She's going to have to make ends meet. She won't have the time to carry on her affair with her unemployed friend. Life trying to make it on her own is going to be a nice slap in the face to jolt her back to reality.

Oh, how does your WW plan on paying for a lawyer if you have no income?

Talk to your employer about this. Employers don't like to lose good employees. I find it hard to believe that they would not entertain at least giving you a leave of absence.

He probably COULD actually take one under FMLA if he found a doc who would confirm the stress in his life is causing medical symptoms (i.e., panic attacks.) It would preserve his job for up to 12 weeks? I can't remember how long it lasts.