Is there any way to avoid telling OMW. I feel ashamed as well about the A and would rather move past this. I dont want any one to know about our personal life. Sometimes I want to tell the world and I know how bad it will make my WW feel if others know.
I brought it up about telling her paretns and the OMW and she looked devastated that I even thought about telling her parents.

I found out today that there will be a staff meeting that my WS will have to attend with the OM. It will be in a big setting with abouot 100 people. She says she will sit at the opposite side of the room. I hurts to think that they can even see each other, I think of the unspoken words and body lauange that might occure.

Ok imagine this....

Your picking up your kids from a friends house, across the street you see this man break into one of your neighbors house, you know exactly who this person is. Would you..

A. Just watch him do this and not report who this man was..

OR

B. Would you call the police and get this guy arrested??

This is the SAME thing about telling the OMW, she needs to know that her marriage has been broken into.

What if this was reversed? What if you didn't know you wife has cheated and the OMW wanted to tell you but was too afraid, and all along your marriage has been rocky, she has been distant and something has changed, you have NO IDEA what is wrong. 5 year's down the road your wife wants a divorce, you think she is just not happy and there is no other way to fix it. You divorce, then a month later you find out that for the last 6 years of the marriage she was cheating off and on with men.

Now lets say this OMW did tell you about your wife's affair, guess where you will be? You would have caught it early on, fix the problem, and would be in recovery.

You have the power to help this poor woman help with her marriage, because I guarantee she will be divorced to her husband if you don't say anything....

DO YOU honestly want THAT on your conscious??

I know I wouldn't!!

P.S If there is any contact with the OM there is no recovery. She needs to change jobs.

No, there is no way. At least - not if you want a recovered marriage. Not if you want to maintain some dignity and integrity. A crime has been committed against this woman. Maintaining silence for your own benefit makes you an accomplice.

You cannot 'move past this' because this hasn't really ended yet.

Your wife chose the action - she can't avoid the consequences because it makes her feel bad. Sorry life doesn't work that way and only a child believes so.

You stick your hand on the stove you gonna argue with the flame about how you don't want to get burned?

You cannot protect your wife from the consequences of her actions.


Boohoo - the thought of her parent's finding out didn't stop her from trashing her marriage did it?

Why is it this is important NOW? Oh thats right - because she is selfishly entitled. She only cares about HER and what is best for HER and HER feelings.

This is the attitude that created the affair. Giving in to this attitude ensures you will NOT recover.



Not good enough. This affair is still ongoing as long as she is seeing him.

If she is really serious about this marriage she will find a new job and quit this one.

If she is really serious about this marriage she will tell EVERYONE close to her so they can keep her accountable. INCLUDING the other victim of her crime: the OMW.

If she is really serious about this marriage she will do what is necessary to fix the mess she's made.

As she is currently concerned with her image, her job, her relationship with her parents - she is NOT concerned with saving her marriage.

Until she gets it you cannot begin to recover.

If you're serious about saving your marriage you will insist she finds a new job.

If you're serious about saving your marriage you will tell ALL people who are close to you so they can support and help you and provide accountability for your wife. You will also tell your co-victim, unless you'd like to become another perpetrator in the crime committed against OMW.

If you're serious about saving your marriage you will do what it takes to achieve RECOVERY. Recovery is not 'getting over it' and sweeping it under the carpet. Recovery is exposing this to the light of day and humbly seeking to repair the marriage so it is stronger than before.

Until YOU get that, this marriage will not recover.

This not JUST about *YOUR* personal life. It is about the OM's wife personal life too. To not tell her is cruel. She cannot very well protect herself and her children from her creepy husband and your wife if no one tells her.

NO ONE and NOTHING benefits from keeping this dirty secret from the other victim, other than the AFFAIR. It in no way benefits you, your wife, the OM or your children. It harms you all.

So why would you purposely harm yourselves? That makes no sense unless your goal is to enable the affair.

Is your goal to enable the affair?



Your wife should feel bad about being bad. If she doesn't feel bad, then she is a sociopath. People are supposed to feel bad about being bad. What you are suggesting is not in her best interest; you are only attempting to protect her from the consequences of her bad behavior. Which ensures she never learns from her mistakes.

That is not compassion, but ENABLING.


You are in a false recovery, Sir. I will tell you that your marriage will not recover this way. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and you are enabling the secrecy at everyone's expense.

One time, when I was growing up, my BFF's mother told me this:


At the time, I thought she was just nagging me.
NOW, I get it.

We wouldn't be doing you any favors if we don't try to hammer into you the dangers of what you are doing.

Not exposing to OMW = extremely high risk of A continuing
Continued work contact = extremely high risk of A continuing
Not exposing to OMW + continuing work contact = you are sitting on a ticking time bomb. It's not a question of IF there will be another dday but more like WHEN.

You can't say you weren't warned.

BTW
Do you think you had the right to know what your W was doing behind your back? If so, why don't you think OMW has the same right?

Why are you asking your WW for permission to expose the A?
Do you expect her to tell you: sure, go ahead is the right thing to do?
Of course she is going to beg and look like a hurt puppy. You know very well she is not a puppy.

How does it make you feel that she is going to be in meeting with OM? DO you think they are over with each other...or do you think that they still desire being together especially when they know they can't but yet see eachother from across the room?

Stop this filth and expose the A.
blessing

Everyone will find out about your personal life, when you get divorced. If you are too scared to do what it takes to kill the affair.

You come on here for advice and you don't want to listen to it, from people who've been on both sides of affairs, from people who tried doing it your way & saw that it didn't get anywhere. You don't understand the addiction aspect of affairs; you don't understand how hard they can be to kill.

If you're trying to kill a vampire, do ya take a dainty little hammer & go "tap, tap, tap" on the stake little-by-little, and stop every couple of seconds to measure the vampire's pulse to see if it's dead yet? No! -- instead, you pound on that sucker with the heaviest hammer you can find, until the stake sinks all the way into the vampire's chest & there's vampire-blood all over the place, because you want to make sure it's friggin' dead! You have to treat an affair the same way.

This is advice that's given even to couples who've established No Contact, and your wife hasn't even done that.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I don't have any standing whatsoever to be harsh on you. But if you & your wife don't make saving your marriage your mutual top priority, then this recovery stuff that you say you're into is probably not gonna work. You've placed a higher priority on not making a fuss than on taking the best step to safeguard your marriage in these early, crucial months of recovery so that you can get a toehold on rebuilding your relationship without the distraction & the doubts & insecurities that come from your naturally wondering about their ongoing contact. (In addition to the fact that both you & your wife seem to have some moral double-standard going here... it's not OK for your wife to sneak around on you & have an affair, but it's somehow OK for you to keep the other guy's wife in the dark when you have info that could help her save her own marriage or at least could help her protect herself? What is the other woman's wife? She's potentially you & your marriage's best ally, yet you're treating her as if she were a smear of dirt on the bottom of your shoe, every day you keep her in the dark.)

The purpose isn't to humiliate your wife. The purpose is to safeguard your marriage as best you can against a rekindling of the affair.

Have you read the book "Surviving An Affair"?

vmmusa,

You stated:

From Dr. Harley:

IMHO, you have failed to recognize the addictive nature of an A. You are setting yourself up for failure. Your WW is doing the same.

I do hope you come to your senses.

All Blessings,
Jerry

NC letters have nothing to do with 'contact'. What she means (I hope) is that she wants nothing further to do with him. A NC letter is meant for YOU - to commit to YOU that she is done with him. She writes it, you approve it and mail it.

Sure, you can skip telling OMW. Leave her in the dark, yeah, that's the ticket. That way you can help her live in darkness, totally clueless, totally without a defense, while her H runs around screwing married women. Um...you're not planning to run for Human of the Year, right? Good. Unless you're planning to run on the Wimpy Weasel ticket. You'll get a lot of votes if that's the case.

How DARE you sell yourself, your marriage and the life of another human short by trying to take the easy way out! When we have told you how to fix this!

And I'd love to know: what the hell are you ashamed about?? You have done NOTHING wrong! Be ashamed if you refuse the advice here, now that you know what to do.

I am disgusted by the tone of your post, vmmusa. Convince me/us that you aren't a wuss who will lay down, snivelling and cowering, while your WW and her lover continue to dally.

OMG. Tell me you didn't try to blackmail her into good behavior by threatening her with exposure. It doesn't work. It usually backfires. You're trying to reason with her, and make her see the error of her ways, aren't you. Sigh. Waywards don't get that concept, vm.

Having said that, you absolutely need to tell her parents. Immediately. When you tell OMs wife.

Don't sweep this under the rug.

I had an affair. I ended it. Sort of. And wanted to avoid any contact. I failed. Demonstrably. And your wife will fail also, because she is still seeing OM, and she is still �berfoggy. Even if you stand on your head, NC letter is still very much required, and no contact whatsoever established and kept.

Read more: here

Be brave,

Well, its been 5 weeks since d-day and as many of you know I have been strugling on exposing the A to OMW. Well she now knows and we have talked many times since she found out (3 Days ago).
I did not know if it was the right thing to do but the OMW told me she is really glad I told her. That was a weight off my sholders. I now know I did the "right" thing. OMW also tols me that he had cheated on her one month before their wedding! So when I told my WW this she looked shocked because he said he never did anything like this before! That almost makes me laugh if it was not so sick.
Now my WW and I can start to recover from this and move on. We have been doing ok but it is going to take time for me to trust her and forgive her.
Thanks for all the advice and I will keep you up to date on how things are going.

So they no longer work together? Because you're not going to recover your M is there is continued contact between the lovers.

Still works at same CO. different location so there is no contact. WW is loking for new job and I am thinking of finding one also. I have to see him sometimes and I dont think I can get use to seeing him on a regular basis.
I am taking this one step at a time and I can see that the start of recovery is nearing.
Thanks

But just a few weeks ago you said
So has something happened at that job that has changed since then? Because regardless of where they physically work, if there is any possibility that they will see each other there is a risk of the A resuming. You know that, correct? Until NC is firmly established you cannot begin recovery.

Good job you exposed to OMW!

Now, in order to start thinking about recovery there are essential steps to make and without those steps you can only dream about recovery and it will never happen.

As maritalbliss stated - No Contact. Dr Harley says - NC for a life, never see or communicate with a former lover. Also - a NC letter where she promises to NC for a life. Read it here
I'm sure you are anxious to get to the point where recovery can start, but it will NEVER start without firm NC and you should also verify it (by checking phone records, computer logs, etc), because there is NOTHING there yet for you to TRUST your WW.
If she is serious about looking for another job, it must be addressed as a pressing matter, and the highest priority, also you need a good plan how to be in NC WHILE she is looking for a new job and still working there. You might also think of exposing the affair to their workplace, that way the OM is under fire to leave the job.

I agree WW needs to find another job and this will happen in due time. While she is looking for a job I have been an expert on snooping. I have all records of phone calls and all e-mail accounts. I even ordered the gps tracking on her phone (she does not know that, the phone in in my name). I know 99.9% that NC is in place and now that the OMW knows we are letting each other know what and were they are at all times.
WW has not sent a NC letter, should I have her send one? I know that both WW and OM knows that NC is in place but since I told OMW I have no leverage over OM contaction WW. OMW is trying to get through this and I told her about this sight and Marriage Buliders. I hope to see her on in the near future.
Right now I am still focusing on WW account of the past afffair and making sure WW is using radical honesty wiht me. I have a feeling she is holding back some of the information I need to hear to move on.
Well I will keep using MB to get the truth and I pray that I will get through each day. We have another appointmet with the counsler tomarrow, I hope it goes well.
Thanks