Its my gorgeous wifes 29th Birthday today

"I will trust you that once I get to grips with things, the emotions will follow. At least if she can see some regular input, effort and more importantly results then I guess we're on the right path eh??"

yllan - This is correct. How's the homework coming?

I haven't posted in almost a week because, well, I've said my piece on the issue.

However, it has been a week.

Has there been any marked, active, progress, yllan?

What have you DONE this week for your marriage?

Not much to be honest, wifes birthday always has high expectations and although starting well, ended in frustration and nothing much happening and an argument.

Since then we have had a convosation about what I want and what im going to do about it.

We are down to a few days before our anniversary and im no closer to sorting myself out.

Not much - a very detailed plan for meeting your wife's needs was posted to you a week ago and all you got is 'not much'?

REALLY?

Nothing in my plan required you sort yourself out. So that's just a lame excuse, but it doesn't surprise me.

Have you complimented your wife several times a day? Have you made a list of affectionate gestures and done several a day? Have you scheduled your UA time? Have you scheduled time for Anger Management? Have you spent time conversing with your wife every day about your thoughts and feelings?

Have you written out your Extraordinary Precautions?

Why did you argue? Why did you even let it get to an argument? Why didn't you stop arguing when it started? Why did you let it continue?

A week you've had to make positive changes and all you have is

Not Much.

You going to be removing your dangerous, abusive self from your wife?

Probably not.

How selfish are you capable of being yllan? And why should your wife put up with it?

Everytime something good has happened ive praised her. But at the moment she is in a low despressive place so positive things arent easy to come by.

She also had issus at work and I reassured her she would be fine and she was better than that etc....

I pushed on multiple occassions to sort out a plan for the week including UA time on both saturday and sunday but my wife had other ideas and it didnt get done.

Because of the way things are between us at the moment everything else has taken a back seat.

On a positive note she has recieved good news about one of her jobs that brings her from working 7 days of 2 hours a day to working 3 full days and then enjoying 4 off. She is estatic about this and will make UA time a million times easier, especially with kids back a school finally.



For once it wasnt really an argument as she was too down to argue. It just ended up being a low key convosation about the on-going situation.

This is what a husband does - tries to brighten his wife's day. I KNOW there are plenty of positive things about your wife you could compliment and appreciate. Yes, ideally she is in charge of her emotions and feelings, but she's so beat down that right now she needs YOU to step it up.

Yes it is easier to be affectionate and loving to someone who is upbeat and happy all the time. But right now she needs your help - she needs you to carry some weight. She needs you to do some work.

So you addressed the Admiration.

What about Affection?
What about Openness and Honesty?
What about Conversation?

How are you doing there?


Weekend is coming up again. Arrange a time with her to get it done this weekend.


This is good. Capitalize on it.

ETA: oh and your plan for EPs - please address that.

I know your right but it doesnt make it easy but im genuinely making progress its just to too little on its own.



Affection in the way SHE understands not too good. Money ridiculously tight this month as birthday and anniversary so gifts not easy although I guess this is an excuse and it wouldnt cost the earth to get a few cheap but well thought out gifts.

Openness & honesty - I was soo dumb last night I could have willingly thrown myself out the window. I had promised her I would ask each night how the day went for her. Not for my admiration but to keep me accountable which is what I desperately need. Yesterday I didnt manage to do anything out of the ordinary and when we went to bed I knew we had to talk about it but she said she was tired and snuggled down to sleep. My STUPID brain though yay we dont have to talk RETARD I KNOW. I cuddled up, she became alert upon realising we hadnt talked and another difficult convosation followed with my wife feeling let down. I know not doing anything wasnt good but hiding from my promise when I was ready to address it, WHAT AN IDIOT!!! Damn it.

Convosation - dont know really, we're talking lots but with everything going on, theres no room for new thoughts or feelings to be honest?!?




Definately I'll pin her down (not literally) and if neccessary i'll do a rough version on my own and give it to her so she has to address it.



I need to research this better to be honest. no I definately havent done this. Is re-doing my boundries the same thing??

Sometimes Marriage isn't easy. Sharing a life with someone else isn't always easy. You don't get to only put forth the effort when it is easy. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

You aren't doing this for a reward, your focus shouldn't be on 'progress' your wife is making. Your focus should be on becoming a better husband - on loving and caring for your wife. Focus on EVERY DAY. Each day ask yourself - how was I as a husband, what could I have done better? What will I do tomorrow?



This is the only kind of affection that counts for you - any other is unimportant when it comes to her needs.


The impression I get from your wife is not that she wants expensive things - but rather that she wants to be thought of and considered. She wants you to think of her throughout your day. It isn't a 'cheap' gift, it's an inexpensive expression of your care and evidence that you considered and thought of her during your day.

Your affair happened because you STOPPED thinking of your wife. She needs evidence that you ARE thinking of her.

A little note or text, a flower picked on your way home, a plastic ring from a gumball machine. Something small that makes you think of her - bring it home and say "I saw this and thought of you."


Yes - you backslid. Because your natural desire and habits make it to where you DON'T want to communicate. RECOGNIZE THAT. Don't let yourself slip again.

I find any time there is something I don't want my husband to know - I am creating within myself a piece of life in which he doesn't exist. That destroys intimacy. So every time my first instinct is to hide, evade, omit any element of my thoughts or self - I make it a point TO open up.

You've done a bit of damage because it was your wife who caught it and not you who were forthright about the slip. But you can overcome a setback.

Stick to your plan.



Well this is good - just be sure that she is allowed to express her thoughts and feelings. You said earlier that she is down. Make sure you aren't DJing her by telling her how to fix her problems.


Good



I linked a good thread on it in my massive post from last week. Yes it is your boundaries. You need to sit down and take them out again. Write out WHY and WHAT PROCESS you went through when you broke them with this recent girl. Write out what you thought - what your rationalizations and reasons were. LOOK at yourself and recognize the lies you told yourself to justify BREAKING your boundaries.

Look for weaknesses in your boundaries that enabled you to get into another inappropriate relationship.

Then rewrite your EPs and share them with your wife for input.

This isn't about sorting yourself out. This is about "doing the homework" even if it feels mechanical and fake. This is about practicing who you WANT to be so you CAN be that person. And considering you're the WS, regardless of whether or not your wife is initially receptive to your change of behavior is irrelevant. You must continue to be on your best behavior and put into practice everything you have learned here. It will gradually get easier.

To be totally blunt, I'm beyond upset with your "not much" statement. Don't ever, EVER use that phrase here EVER AGAIN. Either you're going to put in the effort or your wife is going to give up on you (and so are a bunch of us here, I'm sure). So if you don't want your reality to be one where you find yourself totally and utterly alone, pull your head out and DO SOMETHING.

STOP BEING A LAZY, WHINEY, NARCISSISTIC, EXCUSE-MAKING, PATHETIC WAYWARD.

Yes she hates the fact I didnt think of her at all while having the affair. She says every wayward on MB had guilty moments during their affair but I just gone on with it and forgot my family existed. I wish I could lie about this as it still comes up but its the truth.

Rightly so in your post I guess if im showing her I thought of her on a daily basis the 'new' me would replace her memory of the old me??



I was soo happy with the plan too. She had asked me to think hard about what would make me put the effort in as losing my family on the 14th obviously wasnt. I had spent all day thinking about it and realised that by daily holding myself accountable that would help me to stop being distracted etc...

Stupid mistake, wont happen again regardless of how the days gone



Ill look back and bookmark the link so i can check it again. Yes your description sounds like what I wanted to do. Thanks for reiterating.


I just dont know what stops me from making this happen. Shes at work now and the kids are in bed. I could be using this time to do something for when she returns home but im on here as I cant come up with anything

Dont get me wrong at least being on here shows im thinking about the marriage/issues etd... but not really what shes looking for this close to the 14th.

We are going out tomorrow night with her best friends for a belated birthday celebration so I hope she can raise her spirits for that. Plenty of opportunity for compliments there. Just hope tonights convosation doesnt ruin tomorrow as shes clearly fed up.

Really???

Do you have pen and paper and scotch tape at your house? Take a piece of paper and tear it into about six sections. Write little notes to her on each section and then tape them all over the house. Inside the kitchen cabinet (if you know she'll go there), on the bathroom mirror, on her closet door, get creative. Put them where she'd least expect them but will be sure to go. Then DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING for doing this.

Send her an e-card.

Take your loose silver change and put it in an envelope with a note that says, "I know it's not much, but just wanted to let you know that I'm looking forward to our silver anniversary some day."

Send her a text that says, "I heard all the beautiful people are being abducted by aliens. I'm gonna miss you!"

Get the picture? None of these things are expensive but will mean the world to her as long as you don't follow it up with expectations.

So you're telling me that there is not a single thing you can think of? What are her top 3 emotional needs? If it's domestic support, what still needs to be done around the house you know she hasn't had time to do? Laundry? Dishes? Paying bills? If it's affection she wants, can you greet her with a long and sincere hug and kiss when she gets home? Can you spend 15 minutes with her, holding her hand and asking about her day and truly LISTEN? Can you send her a text NOW and tell her how much you love and miss her and WHY?

This isn't rocket science. This is about being concious of what makes your wife feel HAPPY and LOVED. What have you done in the past that makes her appreciate YOU? I'm concerned that you are so self-absorbed that you cannot see beyond your own happiness and satisfaction. Your affairs are a reflection of your personal inability to see how your behavior has always been geared toward getting what YOU want, when YOU want it and HOW you want it. Maybe you truly have no idea what makes your wife happy because you've never bothered to care enough to pay attention. If you don't know what makes her happy, maybe trying asking her for a change.

It amazes me that with all the FABULOUS advice you've gotten here, and all the OTHER threads you could be reading and learning from, you still don't get it. I have learned more about my relationship and what I was doing wrong (and right) and what my husband was doing wrong (and right) by reading other people's stories. The outpouring of emotions from both WS and BS was overwhelming and I was beyond touched. Putting myself in other people's shoes was a HUGE wake-up call.

I NEVER want to be on either end of an affair and I knew I could become the change I wanted to see in my marriage if I just did the work. Everyday I read here. Everyday I learn something new. Everyday I realize there is something loving my husband does that I didn't realize I take for granted. And everytime, I will text or write him that I appreciate him for that reason.

You may be here, but it is in one ear and out the other with you. It doesn't matter if you sat at your computer day in and day out if you don't take what's being given to you and USE IT.

PM - We seem to be on the same wavelength!

Some of the trouble is that over the years I've done many many things and I find that I dont know if its good to repeat them. I've done various notes around the house i.e one morning I hid 10 notes (I love you because... reasons), 10 (your loved because... reasons) and some naughty ones lol

I like the practicalness of your post thanks for that. I know it seems impossible that I dont know what to do or say to my own wife but ive reached that point now.

I just dont know what will work anymore.....

Right now all your wife has is the memory of the man who abused and cheated on her. The man you are now is still that man who did all those things because you still ACT the way you did then. She holds on to those memories so she can remind herself that she cannot trust you and cannot let her guard down, or you will hurt her again (as evidenced by your relationship with this other girl). This relationship CONFIRMED to your wife that you are the 'old' you TODAY.

Only after CONSISTENTLY being the 'new' you. Every day, day in and day out regardless of HER actions or thoughts, can you begin to show her it's ok to let go of her old image of you.

But it will take A LONG TIME, with NO VISIBLE SIGNS of big change. The changes will be small, and incremental, and probably of the 2 steps forward, 1 step back variety. THAT is why your focus should not be on measured, visible progress, but rather you focus on being the best possible husband every day of your life. Because you LOVE AND CARE for your wife and it is the RIGHT thing to do.


This, actually, was a good plan. This was a good MB moment. You put into place an ACTION to meet her needs. You need more plans like this and you need to stick to them. It isn't your wife's jot to play mommy and make sure you've done your 'homework'. If you have to put a piece of paper by your bed and initial when the act is complete. If you put a rock on your pillow you can't move until you've had the conversation - you do what it takes to ensure you get it done.



Get to it, but first...



You're afraid. You want a magical fix. You want to do one right thing, find the right turn of phrase that will make this all better. That's why you keep having to 'think' about this. You want the magic wand. So you are paralyzed because you know, deep down, there is no easy fix. So you set your expectations for your actions too high, you focus on the 'reward' and set yourself up to fail.

There is no magic word or magic action. There is only patient, loving, consistent acts that demonstrate love and care.

You are frustrated because any time something good happens, there is a backslide. But if you keep standing in place, you'll just keep sliding backwards. Time to start marching ahead, accepting that you'll slip and fall - but realizing that the EFFORT is what matters. Accept that you will mess up - don't let the fear of a mistake ruin this for you.

So you need something to do.

Your wife works hard.

Prepare a warm bath, light a candle and play her favorite soothing CD for when she gets home. When she arrives, escort her to the bathroom and ensure her an hour of peace to unwind. When she emerges offer a foot rub.


You gotta work your little butt of between now and then. No backsliding. She doesn't need 1 BIG thing but rather, a hundred small things that are evidence that there is a 'new' you that you want to create.



Give the compliments, regardless of her spirits. Focus on HER for the evening. Be flirty and affectionate. Plan a small, thoughtful gift for her. If you can scrounge up the money, see if you can take her for an icecream - just the two of you afterwards.

Demonstrate that you WANT to be with her and that you're worth being around.

I like PMs suggestions. Perhaps in some down time you can brainstorm 100 little ways to show you're thinking of her.

Some other ideas:

Pick her a flower and leave it on her pillow.

Put postit notes all over her mirror with love notes.

Bake her cookies for when she gets home.

Open paint and use the mouse to draw her a love message - the sloppier the better.

Write her a silly love poem and slip it in her purse.

I'm sure there are many more possible things to do.

Done all that, except I could expand on the WHY part.



I think to be honest your barking up the wrong tree on this particular bit. I dont feel that my wife appreciates or admires anything I do/done so I think thats exactly why I look after myself?!? Just a thought.



I do read here and leave with good intentions but when it comes to the DOING I hit my own personal brickwall.

Read this over and over again yllan. There's no magic fix so stop trying to find one.

Yes fear is a big factor for me, between the fact that I've let her down soo much and the fact that I find her highly critcal I allow myself to do nothing rather than being wrong.