Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2426069 09/11/10 10:11 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Well here it is short and sweet. my wife is having an affair now she moved out. I have exposed it to her family and they see it, I surved her D papers two weeks ago and she has not contacted her family about it, they are mad. She moved out to a single bedroom Appt. right across from her BT (Boy Toy. I work Thursday - Saturday and I pick the kids up on Saturday night at 6:20 after work. Here is where i need advice. She wqnts to have supper with me tonight as a family............ we have 3 kids 7, 5, 3 I wouldn't mind doing it becasue I love her and it would make it easy for me. but I don't want to do it becasue she wants nothing to do with me she told me and my lawer. I dont want to give the kids false hope if there is none.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Befaithful, please take the time to educate yourself about Plan A and Plan B. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read the information here about Plan A?

I applaud you for filing for D and protecting yourself and your children. Is she barred from taking your kids around the OM? Can you prevent her from exposing your kids to her filthy affair?

Also, have you exposed to the OM's family? Does he have a girlfriend? A good way to expose an OM is via all of his facebook friends. You might ruin the affair that way when it comes out that he has a girlfriend or is dating other married women.

But yes, you should have dinner with her and look for opportunities to repair the marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
What plan are you in? If you are in a Plan D, then you would do things differently than if you were in Plan A. Do you children know about the affair? Did you expose to everyone that you could including the people in OM's life?

PS. If you stick to one thread, it would be easier to follow your sitch and help you out. We won't waste your time asking you questions that have already been answered.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Befaithful,

Perhaps your ww is trying to break the ice on her fantasy of a friendly divorce or friendly relationship with you after divorce.

If you say yes...fantasy fulfilled
If you say no....feeds her rationalizations and justifications for leaving you in the first place

catch 22

however, based upon your name I'm guessing you are a Christian and therefore you may want to discuss this with your pastor/minister/whatever. You may choose or be required to not "break bread" with her.

Seems Mortarman...years ago...always just met his stbxw for coffee. He refused to eat with her.

I'll have to go read your other 8 posts to see where you are. If you are still in Plan A...you want to be around her so you can try to meet her needs...go out for ice cream with the kids and don't eat any yourself (thus...not "breaking bread" or eating at all in her presence). If in Plan B...obviously you shouldn't be in contact with her at all.

good luck,
Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
You are in plan B and need to stay in plan B for now Plan A which is meeting her needs did not work. Now it is time to do for yourself and the kids which means you have no contact with her except for what needs to be with the kids.


prev jillybean36 Live for today for there maynot be a tomorrow
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
If you are in a Plan B then there is to be NO CONTACT. Not even contact about the kids. ANY contact should be done through and intermediary. Even that should be limited. You shouldn't talk to your WW and there should be no family fixes for her.

ALL waywards have a weird sense of fantasy divorce. They want to still have the family unit and get there family fixes but not have any of the responsibility.

What Plan are you in?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Well Im in Plan B for sure I have made no contact with her for the past three days. She Text me asking if I would come for supper. I will go with my gut and say no I have plans and pick up the kids and do my plan for the night, go home and watch a movie with them and just relax with them.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
Quote
Here is where i need advice. She wqnts to have supper with me tonight as a family............ we have 3 kids 7, 5, 3 I wouldn't mind doing it becasue I love her and it would make it easy for me. but I don't want to do it becasue she wants nothing to do with me she told me and my lawer. I dont want to give the kids false hope if there is none.

BeF, welcome to MB. Your WW is trying to have in divorce what she couldn't have in marriage: The freedom to move back and forth betweeen boyfriends and family with no repercussions. She wants to just drop in on the family when she feels like enjoying some family time, and then drop out again until she feels like coming around again.

Sorry - this is a terrible example for your children. Families deserve FULL-TIME parents and FULL-TIME spouses. Part-time is not good enough and the kids should never be shown that it is.

Surely your children deserve more than crumbs and leftovers and part-time parents pretending that part-time is enough. Don't they?

Family Time is a privilege that has to be earned - and it is earned by being there FULL-TIME as both a parent AND a spouse.

Since WW has decided she no longer wants to be a full-time spouse, she no longer has the privilege of Family Time and your childen should NEVER get the idea that she does. The family no longer exists and it is a terrible disservice to the kids to pretend it does.

By all means let the children spend all the time they want with their mother, but NOT with Daddy being there too and pretending to still be a family when they're not.

This is massively confusing and only teaches the kids that hey, you can destroy your family and nuke it to bits but still enjoy the fun parts of Family Time when you feel like it. And they'll grow up expecting to do exactly this.

No Way. Never. Please don't do this to your kids. Families are not pets that you keep for your amusement and go and visit when you feel like it. As I said, surely your kids deserve better.

Here is an MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce" which might be helpful:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
I think I would send by an intermediary that you are not willing to carry on with someone who takes her vows so casually. If she wants to end her affair, make her life transparent, put into place extra ordinary precautions and work on the marriage, she can call the Marriage Builders and start working the program to a fulfilling marriage.

If she's not willing to do that, then there is no reason to have dinner with her.

I think you make the line in the sand and establish your standards and do not deviate.

You do not want a cake-eater, you want a faithful wife willing to work on the marriage and be in an exclusive romantic relationship with you.

If she is unwilling or unable to do that, then you have no desire to see her.

I would either give her a letter indicating such, or pass that message through an intermediary. I wouldn't do it in person because it may become an emotional fight. You want to deliever the message and let her ponder it, and then remain very dark.

The only way you show her any light is if she meets in a manner that can be confirmed, your well established conditions.

If you are in plan B, you meet NONE of her needs. Going to dinner with her would be meeting needs for her.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Thank you every one this is helping be a stronger person I'm sticking to plan B and I will need to contact her to pick up the kids. she has not told me her appartment number but she has told my lawer and he told me. so i do know should I just show up get the kids and not tell her anything of an answer of no im not coming for supper ?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Im not going to her place I am meeting her in a public place to transfer the kids

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
smile Good for you


prev jillybean36 Live for today for there maynot be a tomorrow
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
OK.......... Here is my question am i looking into this to much.

These are the Text messages.
Her - are you coming for supper tonight ?

Me - Im sorry i cant. can you please meet me at the gas station to transer the kids at 6:20

Her - sounds fine...

Her - are you feeding them then ?

Me - I thought you were

Her - thats fine... I can. didn't know if you had something planned for them, thats all.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
at the gas station Im plaining on being happy and talk to the kids and not her, I'm not angry at her its if I'm sticking to plan B I need to stick to it right ?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Befaithful, what you describe is not Plan B, it is Plan "C" for compromise. Dr Harley says that Plan C is the most likely to result in divorce. I would strongly suggest you read up on Plan B and then do a real one.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
You are NOT in Plan B if you have ANY contact with her. Contact even means seeing her. You need to find a different way to exchange the children. How old are they again? Could they walk out to a car where she is waiting and you can control things?

Did you give her a Plan B letter? Did you read SAA?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Plan B would be very difficult to exicute but i would have to figure out how to do it. Is there a way that you know if its to late for plan B ?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
It isn't too late to do a proper Plan B. You just need to be sure that you execute the best one possible. Of course it isn't going to be easy. That's why you go into Plan B fully prepared and because it is the next step in your plan.

Do you have an intermediary? Do you have a set visitation schedule? Would you be able to figure out a more effective way to hand off the kids? You need to go pitch black. DARK AS NIGHT PLAN B is what you need.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
OK well we have not had supper togeather. She trined many times last week. I was unable to pick up the kids so i asked her to bring them out to my place. She said that would be fine and she wanted to pick some stuff up from the house sicne she was there. She showed up and was gone faster than i could say hi. i found that odd since she said she wanted some items out of the house. She has been tring to contact me everyday with some form of communication. I have hulted all comunication from me I do not contact her for any thing she is allways the first one to contact me. I know i should give her no commuication back but some of it is stuff that we need to talk about for the kids. But she allways goes in to an elebrate detail of stuff that i do not need or want to know. She signed the papers, Then she was blaming me for kicking her out when i didnt she was the one that moved out, and that she wanted to save the marriage, well she said she wanted to go to a councler becasue her mom told her to. Sorry that is not a reason to go for me. I think you need to go becasue you want to other wise it may not be any good. I guess Im just not sure what to do anymore she seams dependant on me thats why shes contacting me some times at 630 in the morning all the way to 10 or 10:30 at night. How do i handle this ?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
How do you handle this?

If you are in Plan B, you get an intermediary (IM). WW doesn't call or email or text you - she calls or emails or texts the IM. The IM then passes on to you the important part of the message and nothing else.

For example: WW calls the IM and says, "I want to pick up the kids at 6:30. Why is BeFaithful being so childish about this? He's messing up everything! I just wanted to have an amicable divorce for the kids!"

IM calls you and says, "WW wants to pick up the kids at 6:30." The rest of it is screened out because you are having NO contact with WW.

Once you have an IM, you block WW's email and you do not take any calls or messages from her. That's the IM's job.

And you do NOT see or talk to WW. She should be 100% invisible to you. You would not even know she's going to a counselor, or doing anything else. That's what we mean by DARK.

That's how you handle this.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (BuckeyeGrad), 195 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
raysunshine, BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH
71,770 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,564
Posts2,323,008
Members71,770
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5