Hi all,
Unfortunately the bad run continues. I am having enormous trouble with letting go. I just cannot bring myself to do it despite my wife saying some many times that she needs to do this. The best I have got from her is "i need to do this for me" and "i need to not be married" it doesnt take much to read what is going on in her head. I was also snooping around and found several concerning things. The most concerning one was a brochure for domestic violence, as I have said many time our relationship never had this. Not one has a finger been layed in anger, not once has a threat been made, not once has horrible name been said. Obviously with the break up things have been tense but never violent. The closest thing is I hit a wall and that was in frustration at the situation which i think any husband in my shoes would be feeling. Somehow my wife has constructed and scenario that does not exist in order to make this easier for her.

I ended up writing a letter to my wife very heartfelt and truthfully outlaying the faults I made and apologising for them. Since my illness my ability to cope with stress has been compromised and I have committed to dealing with this through stress and anger management. My wife it seems cannot cope with any anger at all in a relationship, something that is very unusual and unhealthy. Anger is an emotion that sometimes is helpful but certainly never physical or threatening. Im sure something has happened in her past to create this reaction, she was raped just before we met, but she now denies this and says it was consensual but I dealt with this for years and know this not to be the case. There have also been enough other worrying signs over the years that make me believe there is more to her than I know. But if somebody wont or cant talk about these things you cant move past it. We are at a stale mate until such time as she can forgive my faults and move forward.

I am left with no choice but to proceed with house valuations and separation procedures. Im am very worried financially as I started a new career direction a few years ago and sacrificed my salary to do this. So my wife was the main income earner. Im now 34 and need to be planning my future and will be left with next to nothing after all this. A very worrying prospect. I hope I can keep up with the mortgage and bills, as I need to hold on to something. I also worry should I move elsewhere will the house have too much painful memories attached to it. Does anybody have experience with this.

Has anybody else's wife become so wayward as mine is and returned? can they snap out of this once it is soo bad. When you still love somebody how do you move on and forget them? even with the cruelty I cant seem to do this, is it just time? My wife says she will miss me greatly and she even bought me birthday gifts. My worst ever birthday truly horrible.

Somebody please let me know how did you get through this moment what did you find helpful. Did you relationship get this bad, did your wife completely shut down and recover? is it over?

Nath,

There is life after divorce. I felt mine was the end of the world. Shortly after my ex cheated and left, I found myself without work, homeless, separated from my kids, and living somewhere without family support.

Life sucked.

But I found support through a group called DivorceCare. I made new friends. I got a good job. I stopped communicating with my ex.

All those things combined to lead me to a new life.

I'm now very happy.

My ex never "woke up" and you know what?

I'm glad she didn't.

Leaving me was one of the best things she ever did for me. I'm not remarried to a wonderful woman that I wouldn't have met if I had been stuck with the life sentence of caring for an overgrown child for the rest of my life.

You'll look back and be grateful she did you this favor. It doesn't feel that way now.

That being said....

You still wish to recover your marriage and that is possible, but to do that, you must expose the affair.

That will kill it. Have you done so?

I just caught that you did expose.

It sounds like contact with OM continues. So long as there is contact you will stand no chance.

Thanks Helpthelostdads,
sounds like you went to hell and back its a very inspiring story and I greatly admire what you have done and the help you offer you should feel very proud.

I am fortunate to have a loving and supportive family and a great group of friends all rallying around me to offer support. I am also fortunate to have a great and caring workplace who are doing as much to help as possible. It makes things a little easier, I find myself with good days and others where im in total despair. My wife was the centre of my life she was perfect attractive, caring and full of love. She made me feel special, i have had a hard life and she was what I sometimes thought of as my reward for all i went through.

I tried my best after my illness to get over it and again be there for my wife. But after the shock of the suspected tumor a lengthy battle with depression and anxiety and being left with tinnitus this was something that took time. I understand it must have been hard for my wife. I understand it robbed her of the man she fell in love with at least for a while. I think that she could only take so much the irony is that as I was getting over this she had already moved on.

I keep trying to persist and hope that she snaps out of it and can see that glimmer of hope. She tells me that "at this point nothing will change her mind" crazy thing is I still persist. I know how love can be rebuilt and I know that sometimes all it takes is that little spark to build up again from nothing, this has been a hard process and I know i still make errors and love busters but it really is hard not too. I have exposed the affair and while I think it worked I have no idea or way to know for sure. The counsellor cannot get through to her that rebuilding is possible and that its not easier to walk away, eventually it will catch up with you.

Is there any advice that you have in working with a spouse to help her see that glimmer of hope? SHould I just let her leave and quit trying, will me moving on offer the best chance. Or should I keep trying to get through to her?

Hi,
Is my situation hopeless, am i fighting a battle that cannot be won? Am i just prolonging the pain of this. Im trying to fight but its soo hard on me i wake up each morning in tears missing the beautiful wife that used to lay beside me. She went away for 2 days to see her family and i have just fallen to bits. Nothing seems to help i just want her back. But all i get is areply with no emotion that she cannot change her mind. Its painful as i feel like she gets so close to responding but cannot allow herself to do it.

I also keep feeling more and more responsible for what has happened. I see so many unhealthy things i have done and how much this affected us. I meant none of it and i was trying my best.why can she not forgive her bestvfriend of 8 yrs and start fresh.

Please be blunt with me, did anybody elses relationship recover from the position im now at is there anything i can do? I am a wreck trying to do this separation that i dont want, trying to do the legals while so emotionally ruined i cant bring myself to do anything.

Go forward with the D, plan B her, move forward with your life without her, and maybe that will be enough to jolt her back. If not, you'll be better off without her. If she does come back, make her agree to your list of plan B conditions before even thinking of taking her back.

Thanks Jim, I think you are right, i have nothing else I can do. I have bent over backwards to try and it has taken so much out of me. The selfishness shown by her keeps on coming, i think until she loses it all and see what its like nothing will come from her. But I will not wait around for her and will take life as it comes, what will happen I have no idea.

I just found out my wife is leaving this weekend, it really hit me now. Worst few days of my life. Shesays she has no intention to return or work on things

I have some important questions and would appreciate any opinions anybody may have. My wife moved out 2 days ago. She is living somewhere in the same city but will not tell me. But says it is an apartment furnished. She took many items with her and left behind the wedding ring and any reminders of our life together. She has asked I do not contact her and needs space and time alone. She says she doesnt want trial separation and would not commit to not moving on or staying faithfull while we try to figure this out. We are both still in counselling but separately. She said I dont want to go backwards and be with you and I cannot see myself changing my mind.

My question is this what can I do to try to rebuild the relationship. As she left does no contact work or should I infact be contacting and letting her know I care. I have already exposed her she says the affair is over and there is no evidence to prove otherwise. Her family appear to support her. She has completely washed her hands of the marriage and responsibilities. I would love to fix the marriage and be happy together more than anything in the world. But i do demand some respect and love and wont be walked all over.

Nathan,
STOP trying to get her to change her mind about leaving. It should be obvious by now that her course is set in her mind. ANY attempts on your part to reach her will just drive her further away. It's time to let her go-you have no choice really. The wife you knew and loved is ALREADY LONG GONE-the woman who's been living with you since the affair is merely a shell of the woman you knew.

As others have said, it's time for a DARK plan B and getting yourself a good divorce lawyer. You really have no other choice here.

I haven't followed this story but wanted to stick my head in and comment on the issue of joint counseling. Joint counseling with couples in conflict is damaging to an already crippled marriage because the couples love bust each other. The Harleys do split sessions for this reason.

We are not in joint counseling, we have had two joint sessions in the early days of the affair, but they didnt go well. As a result we only ever had separate sessions, as my wife could not commit to joint ones as she hasnt had the desire to fix the marriage. She does attend counseling two times a week as do I but on different days to each other.

She continues to concern herself with my well being and im not sure why. She has had an affair a few months ago that supposedly ended as a result of the OM feeling bad and not being able to continue it. As a result she has been angry at me ever since. I feel there is 8 years of anger built up in her for many little things. Ranging from angry words to not being there enough for her. I am guilty of these things but not because I dont love her, I have been learning much about where and how I have been less than perfect. I am also taking all steps to address this.

My problem seems to be she doesnt want me to contact her. So how do I show that I am doing the things I promised and am becoming a better person and husband. I desperately want to contact her everyday but have resisted. I miss her so much in ever way she really was the most important and special thing in my life I cannot begin to tell you how bigger hole she has left in my life, and it feels impossible to fill without her returning.

My wife left this past weekend packing things into a car and heading off to a new home somewhere. I know no details. I saw her before she left to tell her I will miss her greatly and that I love her and hope she can return to work on the marriage. It was really difficult and ended in tears for both of us. Since then she has emailed friends to let them know to "look after me" So on some level she cares, but she wont even agree to a trial separation. She wont agree to remaining faithful, has removed details from facebook showing she is married, has signed a form transfering car ownership to be saying marrriage has irreversibly broken down. She hasnt told me why or how she feels this.

I hope I can be strong enough not to contact her is this the right thing. Or is it worth that one more shot and if so does anybody have any suggestions please all opinions are wanted especially those who have been in my position and recovered or been here and moved on.

Thanks..

Have you written out your plan B letter? If not I suggest you do so.

Yes I wrote a plan B letter, very heartfelt and admitting of my failures and what I can and cant accept from her. I was happy the letter expressed how I felt without being angry. It was thoughtful and considerate while clearly explaining the situation and what she must do to be in my life. She never responded other than by moving out. And saying I deserve somebody who loves me not her and that im a good man and she said maybe we can catch up in a few months and left.

Seems to me that she's making herself "available" for the OM. She sees the M as a hindrance and she's treating it that way. The question now is if you want to be perceived as her fall-back guy.

Well there has been no real change in anything. It now looks like it is all over my wife sent demands for the money she wants from me to buy out her share of the house, an amount i cannot afford. So i am now without a house soon enough. Ibam in that phase where i cannot believe the sweet woman i married is capable of this. I keep waiting for her to snap out of it. My counsellor has hinted she no longer attends sesions. He also indicated that he believes my depression caused by an injury suffered a while ago is to blame. He says she hasnt been able to respect or have admiration for me because of it. Not sure what happened to for better or worse, sickness health etc. I guess it was a false promise.

I dont contact her anymore, dont even know where she lives. Is there anything else i can do if there is please let me know...

Nath,
what do you mean that she WANTS her share of the house? Are you using an attorney? She cannot demand such a thing, can she?
I would not move from your house. Let her demand all she wants. This is just crazy.
Yes, the W you knew is gone. Absolutely.
blessing

Get a lawyer

Well its been a while since the last post, since this time i slowly feel better and more confident. There are good and bad days but sure beats the 6 mths of hell i went through before the my wife ran off. She ran off leaving behind all traces of our life behind photos, wedding album, mementos or anything that might jog a memory. Strangely enough one thing she did run off with was a box of condoms.

I havent spoken to her since the day she ran off and left. She still emails and tries to get the house sale underway, i just avoid it, she wants a large payout on her share of the house. Something i cannot pay and looks like she wont budge, not much that i can legally do about it. Just wait and see i guess. Her facebook she has become obsessed with and there is a constant string of updates she has removed all references to marriage and changed her name back. She no longer attends counselling. Despite all this i continue to feel better and suprise myself with the strength i have had.

I still feel imense saddness for what has happened. Im much less angry and now thats been replaced with dissapointment in her and what has happened it still feels surreal some times. It is something i just tackle day by day. But it gets better with each day that passes. Its very hard not to contact her i still feel the urge to pick up the phone and try to fix this mess. In her emails she has tried to guilt trip me and tells me how tough she has it, im simply respond with i miss you and wish you would return to work at the marriage and that this is her doing. I hope im doing the right things here if anybody has advice i would love to hear from you.

WW left.
WW wants house sold and money.
Are either of you filing D?

Time to go Plan B. Block her emails. Reading them does not help you. Telling her she can still comeback does not help you either.