Are you KIDDING ME??? Who CARES why they did it??? He DESERVED TO KNOW!! No wonder your WH and his OW are texting hundreds of times a day!!

Mabel. Get on the horn RIGHT NOW. Call that poor man and tell him that you are aware of the A and want to align yourself with him to protect both of you. You need to determine if he will help you establish and maintain no contact, while you prepare TO MOVE.

And let your WH know that it's time to get out the packing boxes.

Why does it seem like blackmail to you? Do you know what blackmail is? It's telling someone to give you something so you don't say or do something. These people weren't looking for something to keep their mouths shut. These people OUTED the OW. The only choice she had was to tell her poor H or let them tell him. That's not blackmail. I get this weird feeling that you are somehow protecting WH and OW and their evil deeds. Are you?

Mabel, for all you know, she & your H could've hatched a plan whereby she sent him texts so that he could "show" you, and thus take the heat off.

"Hope" is not a plan, even if what you were told "happened" really happened. You need to be more proactive. Go to OWH yourself. Take control of your life, Mabel. You don't get another go-around on it down here. This is it.

Instead of venting, how about calmly promising your husband that if he ever allows OW into your home again to borrow a cup of sugar or for any other reason, you'll fill his suitcase with sugar and dump it along with all of his stuff out in the driveway?

It's not a LB to state what you will not stand for, and to enforce consequences if those standards are violated.

Mabel, on the day I confessed my affair to my wife, she calmly told me, "Do it again and you're out on your [censored]." (It was spoken with love, and it was also the best Clint Eastwood/"Dirty Harry" impersonation I have ever heard.) And I knew she meant it. Maybe that was superfluous in my case because I genuinely felt like I was done with the affair & that I wouldn't be seeking OW out; but who knows what could've happened? I didn't know anything back then about withdrawal. I didn't know anything about ending an affair the right way. Neither did my wife. (Neither, it seems, does your husband still.) All I knew then, summed up in that single sentence, was that my wife had a backbone. My wife is a gentle soul, and yet she is a fighter. I respected, and do respect, her all the more for this. It's not a love-buster to show you have a backbone.

Mabel, I'm new here, so I don't really to give too much advice yet until I have a good grip on this program, but I couldn't help but to but in on this conversation. I know you are hurting, believe me, I understand as well as most people here, but I'm wondering why you are taking such a laid back approach to your marriage? I'm not condemning you. I'm just screaming inside while I read your thread and response to all this craziness that going on in your marriage. Do you honestly believe in your heart that your approach to this affair is going to work? Letting your husband and the ow call all the shots? I don't understand. This man is loosing more respect for you by the minute! 300 text a day? My question is what are you afraid of? When will you take a stand for yourself and for your marriage, your family? I know in your heart that you see your error in all this. I know its hard to make moves and set boundaries. I still have some moves to make myself, but it just seems like your laying down and taking all of this and then expecting a different outcome! This is called insanity. As a christian, I would definitely suggest prayer, but God also requires action. So my question to you is what are you going to do?

I never feel as if I am far enough in my own healing to give advise to anyone, so rarely say anything, but this thread made me cringe. I feel so very sorry for you and the OWH, because I do not believe their A is over and I have this feeling you are in for a D-Day #2.

I am very curious about you though. Why are you not fighting tooth and nail to save your marriage and family? Why are you not demanding certain things be done by your H. You have every right to, you know? I would take the advise of all these wonderful members on here. I know you said you are new, but had lurked for awhile. If that is so then you know the advise you are getting is first rate and they all know what they are talking about.

One of the very first things I would do, if moving is not an option, is I would be putting a stop to his role as a SAHD. Your sons are 12 & 9, which means they are in school most of the day, and that leaves daddy lots of free time to play. Is there a reason he is not working?

You state in your first post "he struggles with his feelings for her" and you believe the A is over? Why are you believing what he says? I think the biggest lesson I learned after my H's A is how much cheaters LIE. You cannot believe a thing he says and if you do not change how you are behaving you will soon be paying him child support as he raises your sons while you continue to work after your divorce.

I think this is the most I have ever typed on someone's thread.

HU

I've got an idea. Why don't you TELL your husband that you are going to put the house on the market and move? Tell him if he doesn't, you are going to divorce him and he's going to have to sell it anyway. That's the only way (short of OW and OWH moving) that your marriage will recover. You would have to be stupid to continue living next to the OW and thinking your marriage might improve. Afterall, how long ago was your original post? That's what I thought. It's time to take some control of this on your own. Tell the kids you are moving. When they ask why, you say because daddy is having an affair with the neighbor. It's time to quit being the doormat and start making things happen yourself.

To forestall the 'crappy housing market' excuse: rent your house for the cost of the mortgage payment and move yourself out if you have to. It is much easier to rent now a days.

OMGoodness. Rock. solid. advice.

Mayb: you could pay $10,000 to a counselor/lifecoach and not get any better advice.

Serioulsly. Your situation is not unique, this has played out many, many times here on MB. They know what they are talking about. (GO, VB ML, Atena et all)