Sapphire - no problem. I will work on the letter and post it.

Can I do a Plan B without the legal aspect or do I need to get that all ironed out before I move forward with Plan B?

I would get the legal protection - mostly to ensure your rights and to keep your son in his home. If not, your wife can just take the kid and shack up with OM. Leave that situation in place long enough and it sets up a precedent. Then your wife can file for divorce, get custody and support and you've been effectively replaced in your son's life, relegated to occasional visitor and pocketbook.

You need a lawyer. Especially because her parents will probably pay for one for her.

She's going to slowly work you out of her life. Sure, she likes that you are meeting her needs of financial commitment, family support, and conversation as well. She will try and transition you to the friend zone where you will be there for her, meeting her needs while she has no responsibility towards you and searches for her "true love." She is living the fantasy divorce. She thinks (because you've been going along with it) that this is the way it will be if you divorce. It's not so bad. You are there for her and your child when she needs you, she is free to "search for herself," and she can see her child whenever she wants. She'll continue to think that until you explicitly show her otherwise. You need to show her that if you divorce, you won't be Mr. nice guy and pushover. In fact, you'll want nothing to do with her and you will do whatever is in your legal power to get as much time with you daughter (translation: as little time for her) and as much support as that warrants (taking her money). She needs to feel the pain of her choices if this is how she is going to continue. She has put you in a GREAT position for primary custody. Get with a lawyer and explore your options. Document every night that your child spends with you, and all the things you do to take care of that child. She needs to lose custody, pay you support, and have to buy you out of the house (ostensibly making her extremely poor) for her to reconsider her choices. If she doesn't, she never would have anyway, and you will be in a much better position than had you continue to just let things progress they were. You could have to deal with OM and your WW raising your child together in your house with you supporting her while being relegated to one day a week and every other weekend. Your WW will go for whatever best suits her. She's in complete selfish mode. The only reason she's put you in this position right now is because she thinks you'll do nothing about it and she's too consumed with her affair to otherwise care.

jmwc-

I think you hit the nail on the head. She has put me in great position but I worry that since she is the woman, she may have a leg up in any custody dispute. But I don't think her parents will pay for a lawyer for her. First, they don't have a ton of extra money lying around. You never know because blood is thicker than water, but her family has been completely on my side during this whole ordeal. Her mom was the first one to tell her company about the affair - actually going there and telling one of their bosses. Her sister told me to file for custody a week ago and her dad told me to get a lawyer. I have a lawyer I am going to speak with and if I don't have the money might try legal Aid or something like that.

My greatest fear in all of this is being replaced by the OM. He is my son and I will fight for him.

There ya go, Buck. You're getting it.

Filing for separation isn't the end of your marriage. Heck, starting Divorce proceedings isn't even then end of your marriage. And even if you DO divorce, you can always rebuild and remarry. But RIGHT NOW you have an opportunity to shake some sense into your WW. RIGHT NOW you can do what is best for your son and make sure you stay in his life.

You gotta fight for your family. Your wife will respect that once the fog lifts.

If you roll over, you'll just be the man she walked all over.

A woman wants a man she can respect and that will put his family's needs first!

They know better than anyone what it will take to wake your WW up. Stop enabling her and listen to them. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

While I am getting everything ready for plan B how should I act around my WW? Should I be friendly like I am in some sort of Plan A?

Here is what I have for the Plan B letter so far. I borrowed from some others and may want to personalize it a bit more, but it is a first draft.


I am writing this letter to you with a heavy heart. What has happened between us and to our marriage is profoundly sad. The direction I will now take is not one of choice but of necessity.

I have made mistakes in our marriage and those cannot be changed. But I have been able to recognize those mistakes and learn from them. I am taking steps to make sure they will not happen again. I am sorry for helping to create the environment that made your affair possible. I did not realize how badly you needed me at a difficult time in our lives. I didn't realize how badly you wanted to talk to me about everything and how much you wanted my shoulder to cry on. I tried to be a perfect father, but in turn I neglected you. I also have been working on eliminating disrespectful judgements toward you and everyone else.

I now see my shortcomings and what you need from me during trying times and throughout the marriage. I am working towards eliminating those issues in order to become a better man and husband in the future.

The past three months have been the second most difficult time of my life. But in some ways, it has been worse because you are not here to help me get through it. My heart aches on a daily basis and the emptiness in my life has been hard to bare. I have hung on to the hope that we would get back to being the happy family we were and I have imagined us to be. Unfortunately, the hope is starting to dwindle away. I do not want it to disappear completely and that is why I must take these steps.

Wife, you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage stronger than ever. I believe that is possible with all that I have learned. But this cannot be done until you end your relationship with OM. You must know and realize the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with him.

I just cannot endure the pain any longer. For that reason, I can no longer see you or speak to you as long as you are seeing him. I love you more than life itself and I still want to go back to being yours � your best friend, husband and lover. But this is not possible as long as you are seeing him or anybody else. Until, you stop seeing OM, I have made arrangements with my brother and your mother should we need to communicate regarding our son or if there is an emergency.

I do not know what the future may hold for us. I do know that I want to grow old with you. When I said, �I do,� I made a promise in front of our family and friends for life. In good times and in bad, I would love and cherish you.

I want us to rebuild our marriage, enjoy being with each other and avoid hurting each other. I want to work together to build a marriage where there will be no cause for us to separate again. I want our family to be whole again and for us to the be the happiest we have ever been. I want us to be Happy Together.

When you are willing to separate completely from your boyfriend, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

Love

Well... I am going to give her the option to come home and work on our marriage today or tomorrow, as I work on getting Plan B set up. I assume she will decline, but I will have given it one last shot before doing anything through the courts.
Also before I do Plan B, I was thinking I may try to work out a schedule for watching our son. That way, that part is already worked out before I go dark. Is that a good idea?

I will talk to a lawyer to at least set up an appointment today and I have two intermediaries lined up.
What else needs to be done for PLan B?

The Plan B letter looks good

The next thing you need is to send it to her

Lol... thanks. What I was thinking was do I need to do anything else before giving her the letter so that I do not need to speak to here after.

Avoid having a conversation with her before giving her the letter, because who knows what that conversation is going to turn out to be, maybe a yelling match?

Ask her one more time over the phone if she is willing to move back home and work on the marriage, if she say's no, then say "ok goodbye" then send her the letter. and...

GO DARK!!

Tell your intermediaries (mom and brother, right?) what is expected of them. I think MelodyLane had an 'intermediary boot camp' type thread around here. I'll see if I can find it and bump it for you.

Change the locks so she can't come home when she pleases. A properly executed plan B will sometimes drive waywards NUTS.

Block her phone number from your cell and home numbers if possible. Waywards will rarely respect requests to go through the intermediary and will accuse the BS of playing childish mind games.

Cut her off financially if you have not already done so. This means not just bank and credit cards, but 401k, IRA, HELOC, and investments. Change the passwords so she can't drain the accounts. Stop paying for her phone, car, and auto insurance if you haven't already.

I would also file for at least legal separation, because even though you have changed the locks, she can get the police to force you to let her in. That is, unless, you file for legal separation citing abandonment and get exclusive use of the marital home. That is why you need to start working with a lawyer.

Planning for Plan B continues. Read up on what intermediaries do. Continued to move forward with possible lawyers.

I also offered her the opportunity to move back to our home and try to rebuild our family. I let her know we would start slow and told her there would be no contact with the OM. I thought she would say no right away but did not. She asked if she could think about it. I figure there is still at least a 99 percent chance she will decline the offer, but I wanted to try again before Plan B.

Buckeye,

Do you live in the state with the Best Damn Band in The Land and, if so, by any chance are you in the big city on the North Coast? If so, I may be able to provide you names of some really good attorney's in that City. Although I now live in the Great State of Texas, I went to law school up there and many of my classmates are quite notable attorneys in that big city.

Regards,

Brits Brat

My WW said she wanted some more time to think about my offer. She seemed to be seriously considering it. It bugged me a bit that she wanted more time to think, but I gave her until Sunday. From what I gathered she is waffling about having no contact with the OM. I guess by Monday I will know whether I need to move forward with the lawyer.

Brits Brats - No, I am not in that city. I am at the other end of the north coast.

Not an update really, but I figure this is as good of a place as any for me to vent. I am regretting giving her until Sunday to decide what she is going to do. It is killing me not to know. I have been in limbo long enough. At least by Monday I should know how to move forward. I do have a family get together tomorrow, which should help me not think about it as much. I still love her but I don't know how much longer I can do this. It is mentally and physically draining.

Here, I'll kill the suspense for you. She's not going to commit. I promise you. Stop worrying about what she's going to do. It's the wayward playbook. Forewarned is forearmed. Focus on what YOU need to do going forward.