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yllan - I think you need to get the book Love Busters - like YESTERDAY. That should be your new survival guide. You need to read the entire thing, then sit down and read it again.
Your wife is in withdrawal because you've hurt her deeply over the course of the last 2 years.
The answer for a spouse in withdrawal is for the other spouse to coax them into intimacy. The problem is, in order to get there, you gotta take her into conflict with you. You are so terrified that any time conflict arises you see it as a failure, you see it as a setback.
You need to stop operating out of fear.
YOU work to get her out of withdrawal. See you're wanting immediate rewards. You want to do something right and get a pat on the head and a gold star. You don't get rewarded for doing the right thing, you do the right thing, not for the reward, but because it is RIGHT. You are a good husband, not so that you can get a reward, but because you love your wife and want to make her happy.
Yes, it would be nice to get reciprocation. It would be nice to get acknowledgment of your efforts, it'd be nice to be admired and have your needs met. However, your wife is SO in the red, that she is mentally and emotionally UNABLE to do so. She is so hurt, that for her to try, right now, would be unhealthy for her.
So YOU carry the weight here. YOU do the hard work, because your wife can't.
You've done some good things the past few days. However, you are getting discouraged because it's not enough for you - it takes TIME to coax a spouse out of withdrawal. TIME to show her you are safe (because right now you really aren't).
The path to intimacy is through conflict. It is going to get worse before it gets better. Are you up for that? Or will you get discouraged and give up half way? Yes alot of what I do or dont do is funded by fear. This has been a large obsticle for years for me but Ive decided now that hell if im going to lose my family anyway what have I really got to lose by stopping worrying and starting doing?? Yes I do understand that shes not in a place of emotional reciprication I was just saying how much better our time together could be if she could try to let go and have fun. I wasnt saying she should just it would be nice but hey something to motivate and drive forward for huh 
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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List of things to do:
1) Redo Boundries - spend time thinking about how I broke my last boundries with Steve and how I should have acted/responded. Put a new list in place to ensure same path isnt taken again. LIVE AND DIE BY THEM
2) Get to GP's with wife to really push for anger managament resources.
3) Keep posting here
4) Work with and embrace new positive attitude and no more being fearful of failure as all this leads to IS FAILURE
5) Continue focusing on wifes EN's the way she needs them met. Continue to search for greater understanding of what she needs and how to meet that
6) Use UA time to listen to MB radio
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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1) Affection
2) Conversation
3) Honesty and openness
4) Admiration
You may have noticed this already but household chores don't fulfill any of your wife's top needs. Not that you shouldn't continue to do what you do, but if you're feeling overwhelmed, you need to let her know. That's going to fill her need for O&H.
Good job on the gestures you've made! Good job deciding to no longer be fearful. Continue to do what you KNOW you need to do to fill her love bank. This is going to take time, lots of effort and give you little reward for the next while, but you're wife will come around IF and ONLY if you do the right things. Remember: NO EXPECTATIONS. You've made this mess and it's not up to you to decide when things are better.
Keep it up!
aBetterMe
aBetterMe
Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)
MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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yllan - this sounds like a pretty good plan.
Just remember - this isn't a temporary fix to get your family back and then you can go back to normal.
This is a LIFESTYLE a PERMANENT way of living, every day for the rest of your life. Don't think that you can achieve some goal 'getting your wife to commit' or 'falling back in love' and then ease off a little and coast.
There is no coasting. You are developing HABITS for the rest of your life.
Also, the radio show is a GREAT resource and I highly recommend you get into it however, make sure you spend some UA time meeting the 4 intimate needs of Affection, Conversation, Recreational Companionship and Sexual Fulfillment. These will help you two connect.
I know money is tight but start saving for the online program or at a minimum consider getting the workbook to help GUIDE the two of you to a better marriage.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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This is a LIFESTYLE a PERMANENT way of living, every day for the rest of your life. Don't think that you can achieve some goal 'getting your wife to commit' or 'falling back in love' and then ease off a little and coast. Thanks for stating this Vibrissa. I know this is always implied but sometimes it needs to be said! aBetterMe
aBetterMe
Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)
MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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Thanks for the encouragement ladies, all is well here and in my mind Wife has her huge day of work today 8am-11pm!! She returns home briefly to get changed for last job. I wrote out our life story on little snippets of paper and stuck them all up over our wardrobe. I warned her she'd need patience when she gets home tonight lol She had a brief look whilst getting changed and managed the first few lines but there are quite a lot lol Still should be fun to do later, even for me to put together lol Still there are hidden messages behind this task: 1) If we can put the story together, we can put our life back together 2) If she can see the bigger picture from this task then hopefully she will remember some good parts from the pre-affair days and see the prospects for the future and will give us something to talk about afterwards. She did bring up the last 3 days and said she was happy with my efforts but I told her "sorry I've heard it before, I'll get excited when I hear you say 1 month, 2 months etc..." Its lovely seeing her happier and I realise its only down to my attitude changing permanently, so - lets keep moving.......
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Good job yllan! Follow this up with a loving text message or phone call sometime during the day and find something to compliment her on. And make sure to help as much as possible around the house and with the kids today so she doesn't have anything to worry about after her long shift.
aBetterMe
aBetterMe
Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)
MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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Good job yllan! Follow this up with a loving text message or phone call sometime during the day and find something to compliment her on. And make sure to help as much as possible around the house and with the kids today so she doesn't have anything to worry about after her long shift.
aBetterMe Actually its 7pm here so day almost over, kids had fun and have put all matress on floor so they can have a kind of camping evening lol ALL housework done, house looks good, all she has to do is come home and collapse Will send as message while shes at work tonight as althought she wont get it until she leaves she'll see I was thinking about her.
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Will send as message while shes at work tonight as althought she wont get it until she leaves she'll see I was thinking about her. Forget this I've done this before; thought I'd go one better. I had a couple of male friends coming over for a poker night (no gambling only use chips) so I took advantage and shot out down to the shops and picked up a 'missing you' card and hand delivered it to my wife at work. She was very suprised and thought something was wrong with the kids lol She came home and we had fun putting the life story (described above) together. Although I forgot to tell her the meaning of it (also described above) but I rectified that this morning and she thought it was sweet. Nice to see her looking happier with life and shes definately coping better with her new shift pattern. Great all round
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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Just a small update for yesterday, wife worked another full day so only saw each other for a couple of hours all day. Spent that time cuddling up and found time for SF.
Did speak to my mum about my wifes 30th birthday (september 2011) as I want to take her away just the two of us for a long weekend and made my mum aware of this and she confirmed she will be happy to house/baby sit for me. Luckily my mum is that well organised she already knows what shes doing in a year lol
This was a surprise for my wife as normally I start planing for her birthday about a week or two before. So when I mentioned I had started planning it she would have fallen over (I made her lay down first lol)
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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update time again..... things have regressed to more or less where they were before. I was enjoying myself making my wife happy, she was opening up slightly, all way going well. Then a couple of hard days hit and I wasnt able to cope. Nothing happened and this put my wife on edge that it was all falling apart again. I didnt know how to handle the pressure and everything regressed to where we were before. Im posting here for some ideas of small gestures or gifts etc... that can help for when im running a little off schedule. The following couple of messages are all im after, nothing huge but something to show I care. Im not very creative and find it difficult to look further than my first idea of how to do something. However I have started improving as the life story jogsaw and 'thinking of you' card showed. Just after a little help while I look for the elusive consistency Really???
Do you have pen and paper and scotch tape at your house? Take a piece of paper and tear it into about six sections. Write little notes to her on each section and then tape them all over the house. Inside the kitchen cabinet (if you know she'll go there), on the bathroom mirror, on her closet door, get creative. Put them where she'd least expect them but will be sure to go. Then DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING for doing this.
Send her an e-card.
Take your loose silver change and put it in an envelope with a note that says, "I know it's not much, but just wanted to let you know that I'm looking forward to our silver anniversary some day."
Send her a text that says, "I heard all the beautiful people are being abducted by aliens. I'm gonna miss you!"
Get the picture? None of these things are expensive but will mean the world to her as long as you don't follow it up with expectations. I like PMs suggestions. Perhaps in some down time you can brainstorm 100 little ways to show you're thinking of her.
Some other ideas:
Pick her a flower and leave it on her pillow.
Put postit notes all over her mirror with love notes.
Bake her cookies for when she gets home.
Open paint and use the mouse to draw her a love message - the sloppier the better.
Write her a silly love poem and slip it in her purse.
I'm sure there are many more possible things to do. Thanks
Last edited by yllanoitomE; 09/23/10 01:28 PM.
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
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What reminds you of your wife? Do you have a phone that takes pictures? Perhaps you go about your day and when you see something that makes you think of your wife, you take a snapshot and give it to her.
What is her favorite color? Someone who doesn't know DH or I would think Orange is my favorite color and Blue is his, but in reality blue is mine and orange is his. I always get orange things (highlighters, post its, pens, toothbrush, whatever) so that every time I look at it I think of him and smile. He does the same thing. He just recently came home with new running shoes. He smiled as he showed them to me and said "they're blue to remind me of you." It made me smile.
A quick text message is a great tool. Get into the HABIT of texting your wife whenever you think of her. It doesn't need to be extravagant, just a quick "Thinking of you. Love you"
Call her when you get a chance, even if it just goes to voicemail. We do this all the time. Today I got out for my lunch break and I called DH to just hear his voice and say hello. Sometimes DH will call me between classes and I can't answer, and he knows this, but he leaves me a voicemail to tell me he loves me.
On the way home each day, stop at a convenience store and buy the first thing you see that makes you think of your wife.
Little habits that slowly integrate your wife into your daily routine is what you're looking for. Big romantic gestures like the story activity you did are nice, they feel great, but if you keep trying to do big things every day you'll run out of steam.
Basically, your wife wants evidence that you THOUGHT of her while she was out of your sight. She wants to know that you think of her throughout your day.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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yllan,
If you are looking for ways to make sure that you pay your wife a compliment or show her that you were thinking of her, carry something with you that will trigger you to do that.
As an example, carry a small note pad/pen that you can put in your pocket (like you do with your wallet). If you are walking down the street and see something that reminds you or makes you think of your wife - reach in the back pocket, pull out the pad and write down your thought.
If you wait until you get home to write it down or wait until your wife gets home to tell her - you may forget.
Also, put a reminder by the phone/computer that says call and leave a message or write her an email.
Make sure that this isn't your only focus as I'm sure that your wife is looking for other needs to be met. Every week/few weeks, talk about her emotional needs to ensure that you are meeting what she needs most at the time.
Me - WH 45
Her - BW 45
Married 22 years, together 29 years (HS sweethearts)
No kids
DDay #1 - 1989 EA with co-worker
DDay #2 - 2004 problems with concealing porn
DDay #3 - July, 2006 EA different co-worker
DDay #4 - Aug, 2006 revealed EA becoming PA
DDay #5 - Sept. 2010 continued problems with porn/lying revealed
DDay #6 - Sept. 2010 revealed past PA during timeline review.
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yllan - I bet if you go to the bookstore, there will be a book there that will give you "100 ways to say I Love You" or something along that line.
Bottom line, even if it's just a text message, you HAVE to continuously show your wife you're thinking of her, missing her and love her.
It doesn't have to be fancy or gimmicky. Just TELL her.
aBetterMe
aBetterMe
Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)
MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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yllan,
Haven't hear from you in a while. You still around?
aBetterMe
Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)
MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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