We met through work and I was the other guy at one point.
This, sir, is what is termed an Affairage. It is a marriage that begins as an affair. Affairages are notoriously difficult to sustain as they start off with two selfish, untrustworthy people.
I'm sorry, but you picked a bad mate. You picked a woman who believes that Adultery is a valid option when the going gets rough. She doesn't believe in 'for better or worse'.
Saddly, neither do you. Your needs are more important than marriage - or you never would have messed around with a married woman.
You are living the consequences of your poor choices, sad thing is that your CHILDREN will suffer way more than you ever do.
She married very young and we met.
She was old enough to say I do - she wasn't too young.
Dumb - maybe, hence why she crawled into a relationship with you with a ring still on her finger.
But she was old enough to know right from wrong, and selfish enough to pick wrong. And so were you.
She quickly divorced and we began our relationship. Dated and lived together for almost 3 years before we married.
This was your second mistake.
Living together for marriage is a sure fire way to lower your chances at a happy marriage. That taken with your justification for an adulterous lifestyle and this is where you wind up - with a cheating wife.
I was a college baseball coach which lead me to be away a bunch. This was the big dagger in our marriage.
This may have helped, but your problems began WAY before the travel. The travel just provided the opportunity for the inevitable.
She said she felt alone and not appreciated until she started talking to the OM.
Doesn't matter why - she would have cheated on you eventually. That's what adulterers do. When things get bad, they go outside their marriage.
We have been living in the same house for the last two months with the knowledge that she is talking to another man. She claims she is not leaving because of the kids but cannot bring herself to ask me to leave.
Time to man up, take responsibility for your mistakes and stand up for your family. You are allowing an abusive adulteress to cake eat - and it is damaging to you and your children. You need to show her the door, my friend. You need to give her consequences for her bad behavior.
Our families and most of our friends know about the affair.
As they accepted YOU, despite the adulterous nature of your relationship with your wife, I imagine they won't be much help to you now. They accepted you then, they will probably accept OM in time. I don't think exposure is going to help you much. Which is unfortunate as that is the BEST tool to end an affair.
We have also been in marriage counseling for several months.
You are wasting your time and money. Marriage counselors can't save marriages with normal problems, they have no hope at saving an Affairage.
All you are doing is further enabling your wife.
She has remained firm that she is in love with him and sees her future with him.
Much as she saw you when she was 'very young'.
Right now your best bet is to make your wife look undesirable to the OM so HE can't see a future with HER. I'd expose him to his family and wife if he has one.
However, I have slighty started to pull away and not give her attention
This is the OPPOSITE of what you must do. If you want her to stay with you you have to CONVINCE her you can be a good husband, by being loving, attentive and striving to meet her needs.
and she said last night that she doesn't want to give me false hope but wonders if she is doing the right thing having an affair.
OMGosh...I'm sorry I can't help but laugh. THIS is the woman you married. The woman who WONDERS if having an affair is the right thing? Do you see how morally deficient she is??
Is an affair the right thing?
Seriously?
This is a question for her?
But she still wrote to him last night.
Your marriage will never survive as long as she is in contact with him.
I don't want to leave because of the boys but feel I can no longer give into her. I contacted a lawyer today. To find out my rights. Looking for any help possible in an last minute effort to save my marriage.
PLEASE HELP
Not many here will help an Affairage. You made your bed, now you get to lie in it.
However, I will give you this advice: if you want to save your marriage do a search of the forum for Plan A and Plan B. Those are the plans you need to follow if you want a chance. Expose and make your wife unattractive to OM. Call the Harley's - they'll give you the help you need.