Writer.

Ms. Writer you are truely a saint. If I had a mom like you I would honestly feel guilty in not obeying you and not honoring you. Apparently, you are not standing up for YOU. I have been married for 40 years Ms. Writer, and i did not ih all that time refuse to participate and try to resolve a family emergency. Try that our furnace went out back in the winter of 1999 and tried to get it fixed and I did.

Ms. Writer, at this point you have to demand of your H to stop the bleeding. No guy is so incompetent or so detached that he would allow his family to suffer like this. Is he still worth it to you??

I am not going to say anything more than this, and that is I wish I could give you a hug and I will promise you my prayers again as of tonight. Yeah Ms. Writer, God does carry a little but He expects us to get our legs on the ground, and to carry the ball.

Just prayers tonigt Ms. Writer but please take advantage of them.

Tom

Writer,

I've been following your thread. I would like to suggest a potential lead in teaching. There is a virtual school through FL, but it is also nationwide and supposedly international. It's called Florida Virtual School www.flvs.net.

The curriculum is already organized for the teachers. The students follow the course pace and work online. Most teachers work from their home. You might want to look into it.

Hope your day is going well.

RMJ

Okay, now the check engine light came on in my H's car on his way to work this morning and it needs a $600 coil. It's running really bad and he isn't sure it will make the 50+ mile journey home without it. Seriously? Seriously??? I think I really may be cursed.

Tom: My H really does have some very good qualities. I know I've been focusing on the negative a lot here, but it isn't all negative. He's funny and he makes me laugh and he cares about people. I don't think that it's so much that he doesn't want to get things done, I think it's more that he doesn't know how to go about doing it. He isn't handy at all. He also has ADHD (as does his bio father and our son). His intentions are good, but his follow-through is the problem. He buys things he needs for a project, sometimes he even starts it, but things rarely get finished. He forgets a lot. He loses things all the time, and I am forever having to figure out where he may have put them. We have AAA for the sole purpose of getting his keys out of the car every time he locks them inside. I've talked to him about seeing a doctor and looking into some medication, but like the Anger Management classes and the various repairs needed around the house, he just never gets around to doing it. I don't even know if some of this is under his control. I've watched my DS 16 struggle with the same thing since the day he was born, and we've gone through just about every ADHD medication on the market with him with little to show for it.

I love my H, in spite of his faults. But really, sometimes I think he's going to drive me nuts! I think he drives himself nuts too. I can see the frustration he feels about all of this, but I don't know how to help him with it. I feel like I spend so much of my time scrambling around trying to take care of everybody and get everything done, and I always fall short. Truthfully, I feel very ill-equipped to deal with all of this. I was an only child with a very emotionally-absent mother. I was used to taking care of myself growing up, but I wasn't used to having to worry about anyone else.

I did finally get the Boundaries books in the mail and I'm reading the one dealing with kids now.

RMJ: Thanks for the link, but I'm not actually a certified teacher. I was going to get my certification after my MFA, but that's when all the districts in CA started laying off teachers, so I held off on those plans. I would still love to do it, but the credential programs around here are $15K to $20K, and they would require me to actually know where I'm going to be living for the next several years, since teaching credentials are state-specific.

****edit****

Ya know what Ms. Writer, this bubbles character really bothered me when I saw her post. I attempted to zing her, and am sure that post will be blocked, but my main intention is well we are both limping along - me with my son and wife and you with your family - but you have to keep limping.

Well, know what, most of the problem here is you guys' have no emergency funds for this type of thing, and have been most likely limping along like this for awhile. It puts a tremendous amount of pressure on all of you, especially you and your husband. I fully realize you love your H despite all the faults and disappointments, and do you know what, that is good. It is simply good. I believe my wife loves me and I love her, but we are not exactly together now.

Have you guys considered a few date nights. Does not have to be expensive - just special. I realize he might be sort of a klutz in a way - from the standpoint of biting off more than he can chew in terms of projects - and I have done that too. Just right now it really does not seem to matter much, at least in my way of thinking, of how adept or not he is around the house. I think it matters, that you forget about the kids, problems, etc., now and have at least a few good dates.

I do not know what else to say, except that if you still love him, he ought to feel really good about that.

Have you networked yet in terms of a position? That is the best way to get a job in this economy. Have you considered, short stories, screenwriting, a sports page, local newspaper??

Just suggestions.


Just tale care you and take care of your H...

Tom

Thanks Tom. Don't worry about Bubbles. I just ignore her.

My H and I do go out on dates. Here lately, they have mostly consisted of talking in the car while driving to see our son in juvenile hall, and then maybe going out to lunch or just walking/driving around somewhere for a couple of hours afterwards. I think the problem is that we usually just end up talking about, well, PROBLEMS, even when we're on a "date." It's sort of difficult to put everything aside and just enjoy ourselves when we both have so much on our minds. But we do try.

I don't want to say much about the job hunt right now, because I don't want to jinx it, but there is a glimmer of hope on my end. Nothing that would solve all of our financial woes, but something that might at least give us a little extra income for awhile. I should know more in a week or two. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.

Hi Ms. Writer,

I hope things have calmed down for you now. I spologise for interrupting your story here in my comments about the person who I feel made the negative comments, but where I come from that needed to be challenged.

Anyway, my son has a job - about 75% time at a local restaurant, and possible a second job at Starbucks, so he will probably be very busy, which is good. We have had many talks the last few weeks, and he seems to be finally out of his funk and excited. He also has a girlfriend now, and near his own age, and thank God - not the leach who was older and derailed him for awhile. His plan is to contribute to the household income now - for like some of the basics - and to save to take classes in veterinary medicine in Janurary.

He is a really good young man, and worthy of all the breaks and help he can get. Tomorrow we will have Char here and his girlfriend and of course I will grill and do burgers.

I hope you guys are doing better now after all the challenges you have had. I am sort of surprised that I am even able to post here at this time. I did file a complaint with the MB home office, got a call back the other day from Ellie, and will follow up. For those here who may object to my doing this, I feel strongly about this from the standpoint that no one, especially you and your family, deserves that treatment.

That being said, please take care and I hope the challenges are easier and that things are better.

Tom

Hi Tom.

Good to hear that your son has a job!

Still struggling on that front here. My son is now 2 months behind in his rent. Well, that is if you can be behind in something you've never paid. And, the friend is still staying at our house even though I've told our son straight out that the friend has to go. The friend sneaks in and out at night and avoids us most of the time, so it's difficult to talk to him directly.

We've been struggling with water heater problems for the past two weeks. Ours is leaking all over the place and the pilot light keeps going out and we fear its about to go. Scrambling around trying to figure out how to pay for another one before it dumps 40 gallons of water into our garage. I told my son today that we need the rent money to help with the water heater, but he just left the house without answering.

I think I've kind of just given up at this point. Nothing ever changes no matter what I try to do, so I've just stopped trying. Not a great attitude, I know, but I just feel really beaten down. I'm just trying to enjoy the baby and my older daughter, who was home for a few days in between returning from Alaska and going back to school. Doing a lot of reading, a lot of writing, a lot of contemplating.

Regarding the friend, can you change the locks? I'm assuming he has a key. Also, if your son wont pay rent, give him a 30day written eviction notice. Time for some tough love.

(((Writer))) It seems like when it rains it pours, but often the biggest growth comes during our darkest trials. I know it sucks that it is that way, but you'll come through. I'm praying for you and your family. If I had a ton of money I'd give you a bundle, but all I got is prayers and love, and they're yours.

Hi Ms. Writer,

Hey you, I think you now have a terrific story for a novel - somthing like that early Tom Hanks film, The Money Pit. I know, a bad attempt at humor, but hey, that could work!

Anyway Ms. Writer, if you think you are the only one in the world worried and depressed and facing straits, well look again. I was and have been since last early summer. The reason is because I felt I was old and not much use anymore, because my contract ran out with my former company. But, then I found a part-time job, and well then my son moved in. He now has the job I told you about, and I have been supporting him in terms of meals, gas, etc. It is only a sandwich restaurant, but someone was fired and he now has four days a week, which for him now is good. And, 7-9 hours per day. I fully know that he gets discouraged, and I do believe that has been because of his relationship with that older woman who has not worked a day in her life. Randy is waiting on tables, doing dishes, cleaning, etc., and I think he will stay for the time the manager wants him to - 9 months. That manager told him that if he stays that long and does well, he will not only give him a good reference, but will help him begin classes for college and to aim for his veterinary medicine degree. It remains to be seen, but I have great faith in him, even tho the last two months have been a struggle.

Char was here last Thursday, and we had a great time. She was depressed when I picked her up, but when she had to go back she cried. She had a great day and she told my son and me that. We walked around here, we sat on the patio, she had a spahgetti dinner, we made out in the evening, and she felt relaxed after the day.

There are many challenges I still face Ms. Writer with my wife, son, and myself, and my future. But, do you know what, I am not going to hang my head, and I do not want you to do that either. Ms. Writer, I have not yet begun to fight or have not yet begun the rest of my life. That simply means I have not yet befun to investigate all sources of job or income opportunities. You have said that you are writing a novel or screeplay. I prefer the latter if I were to do that, and I have begun something. It depends on your creativity Ms. Writer - and you have it! The title of my novel or short story is called "THe Christmas Angel". I just have to flesh more of it out. Yea, abit achcaic, pedantic, and trite, but I do believe I can do it. I plan on alot of hours in addition to work and daily tasks to complete it.

Point is MS. Writer, keep you head up and go forward. Ya know what, you do have a lover, and I realize that. He wants to hold you and, if necessary, carry you. I believe he is not one who will let you get away from him. From what I have read about him he is fairly tall. He has a beard. And, he is passionate. He is dying to know that you love him. You will always have his trust, but he is not certain of yours. The guy's name is the Christ. Do you realize that you have this guy in your life?

Well Ms. Writer, I want to hear more positive things from you the next few days and weeks.

Take care.....Tom

Just another thought Ms. Writer,

Regarding your son and the disrespect that he is showing, you need to get tough for his sake, and yours. Have you considered Not preparing any meals for him? If I were in your situation, and I saw or knew that this 'friend' was intruding into your home at the invitation of your son, I would contact the police and have him taken away. Also, have you considered tossing your son's stuff out on the front lawn? I know these things are harsh, but it is called tough love, and until you tow this line he is going to continue to ride all over you. I honestly cannot understand, Ms. Writer, the role of your husband. Believe me, most men, if their wives complained of this they would have take action. Maybe it is time for you to Not to prepare a meal for him as well. It just sounds to me like you are letting members of your family wear you down.

This is what prompts me to ask you honestly - have you considered divorce or separation and going Your way? I honstly think you can do better than this.

I am just concerned about you.

Just remember the true love that you have, who I mentioned in my previous post, and I thing it is high time you turn to Him.

Take care, and you are a precious human!

Tom

Tom, my H is extremely passive/aggressive. I know this, I'm just not sure what to do about it. I know I can't change him. The only person I really have any control over is myself. I'm trying to make changes in me and how I approach things and handle problems, but it is difficult without any support. I really miss that feeling of teamwork that should be present in any good relationship.

As far as my son goes, he generally doesn't eat here. I don't make extra food for him, mostly because whenever I ask him if he's planning to be here for dinner, he never knows. He keeps frozen meals in the freezer or goes out most of the time, as does the friend. I have considered tossing their stuff out onto the lawn, more than once. But it's really hard as a mother to think about doing something like that.

My son may leave on his own soon, considering the fact that we're not going to have any hot water in our house for the next week and a half. The water heater started leaking really bad so we had to shut off the water to the entire house yesterday. We had someone come over this morning and install a valve (something was wrong with the other one) so that we could turn off water to the water heater and still have water to the house. I can get a free water heater from a program for low-income households through the gas company, but it isn't a quick process. It takes about an hour to heat up enough water on the stove for one person to take a bath now. I didn't realize that I only have one large pot. It never seemed important to have more than that until now. At least it isn't wintertime, but cold showers and bathing out of a pot of water isn't fun no matter the season.

And Tom, to answer your question, yes I have considered going my own way. I just don't know what the right thing is to do. My H does have some good qualities. The baby absolutely adores him and he's very good with her. I want her to grow up in a complete family. I just wish it wasn't such a dysfunctional one.

I'm not sure if this has been suggested but have you thought about working part time at night? A few bucks here and there would go a long way right now. This would take some effort from your husband as he'd have to get up with the baby. But a lot of families (specially when the wife is a nurse) do this.

I know there aren't a lot of jobs but even minimum wage would help right now.

KT: I have thought about it, but I haven't been able to find anything. My H is gone 12 hours a day, so there just isn't much time to work around his schedule, and I don't have the necessary education to work in the medical field, which may offer more night opportunities. I've actually thought of going back to nursing school (I did 3 semesters many years ago, but it's been so long that I would have to start over). But that is a minimum of 2 years, so not an immediate fix.

College credits are good forever as long as the new college or university recognizes the original program. Example, I took organic chemistry 30 years ago and if I should ever decided to go back to school for a teaching license in chemistry, I won't need to retake organic. All you need are copies of your transcripts.

You may need to refresh depending on what you remember and need to know but that is up to you.


And if you start next week it's two years and a week. Next month and it's two years and a month. The journey will only begin when you take the first step.

Actually, many of the nursing classes have a 7-year recency requirement, and it's been about 17 years since I quit nursing school. I don't remember a thing, and I'm sure much has changed in the world of healthcare since then anyway. I really would have to start from scratch.

Right now, it's difficult for me to think about going back to school until I figure out where I'm going to be living for the next several years. Since our house will likely be foreclosed on in the next 4-6 months, and there isn't anything in the area that we are likely to be able to afford to rent, I don't see us being here long enough for me to complete a program, and I really don't want to start something and then have to drop out and look for another program somewhere else. Also, the nursing programs around here are full time during the day, so I would have to pay for daycare while going to school, even though I wouldn't be earning any money. There's no way we could afford that and the baby won't be in school for another 3-4 years.

Hi Ms. Writer,

Well, I don't have anything earthshaking to suggest to you at this point, except to just offer you my support and prayers.

I have my hands full with my son now, and Char understands that, so we have been able to have her here only once in the last month. He is not a problem, it is just that he needs support until he gets his feet on the ground. Financially, some things I wished to do around here and with Char have had to be postponed because he needs support until he gets his first paycheck in about two weeks. It should be a good one, as they seem to like him and he is scheduled now to work 4-5 days a week even tho he is still in training. This is the case because the company had to fire two people for failure to report to work. On the other hand, he is depressed now even after this, and I talked with him tonight as to why. He's depressed because he feels he is putting stress on me for having to have me fund his credit card debts, gas, etc., and won't have any money for about three weeks. And, he told me he has borrowed from a couple of friends for gas and cigarettes. Yea, I told him if he cannot smoke for three weeks it won't kill him. So, now I am treading lightly but trying to be firm and trying to keep him motivated. He is as they say a work in progress at this point, and if he can survive his fears for the next three weeks he will be okay.

Ms. Writer, I wish you could have accompanied my wife and I when I had to take her back to the nursing home. Nursing homes these days have contracts to house the impoverished mentally ill. In this place, I would estimate about 30% of the residents are under age forty, mentally ill, and are only there by the grace of God instead of living under an overpass. Char's counslor, her psychiatrist, and the administrator have told her and me that this is the case and that this is not appropriate for her. The reason she cannot get out of there is that any better place with adequate care, which she needs, costs at the minimum $4,800/month. When I took her back we went out on the patio to have a soda and immediately people were around us begging for some pop. She had set her can down on the table there and some brute of a guy reached his hand toward it. I honest to God tell you I almost lost it and was so tempted to take that brute down and break his arm. She had been physically abused - struck in her face twice, hit in her stomach and chest last spring. I filed a complaint with the IL Elder Abuse Dept. - they investigated, and guess what. The abuse ended, they had a psychologist in to explain to the residents and the staff what physical abuse constitutes, two night counselors were terminated, and three of the offending residents were ousted. It is much better now, but my wife is a saint for enduring this. I happened to think tonight that my wife was a teacher as well for many years, and that if it were ever possible she could give you so much encouragement, despite her own situation, that it would knock your socks off.

Well anyway, Ms. Writer, we all have difficulties. Best way I can explain it. At the moment they may seem insurrmountable. In a couple of mornings from now we may take a different view and they seem conguerable if we strive. I need to strive to do better by my family. You need to strive to get your H, who I realize you love very much, on your team. It is doable.

Take care Ms. Writer,

Tom

In addition Ms. Writer,

Imagine this. I am a Green Bay fan, my son is a Bear's fan. So, imagine how cordial we were to each other this morning after the Packers messed all over themselves on national tv last night and lost the game!

Tom

MY NEW WATER HEATER WILL BE HERE ON MONDAY!!!!!

I am so happy!!!!!!

Tom, sorry about the game. Hope you have recovered somewhat.

BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE HOT WATER AGAIN SOON!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!