Then if "out of sight, out of mind" is the case, wouldn't it be advisable that at some point in plan B the BS gets in sight again?
I do not know if this would work at all because seeing the WH would bring suffering to the BS especially if the A is still going. HOwever, if it is true that most A withing 2 years end, then after a while one would think that the A would start to deteriorate and that the re-appearance of the BS might remind the WS of what he is losing when compared to the now not so exciting A....
just speculating...
blessing

The solution is to have your intermediary send a message that the door is still open IF he ended the affair. They should never see each other because seeing each other while he is still in an affair just triggers the pain again which makes things worse.

MOST, but not all. What is the affair is not crumbling?

I have been listening to MB radio pretty regularly. It is very helpful. I am planning to email the Harleys and hopefully they will answer.
I am only able to hear the rebroadcast.
blessing

I emailed Joyce Harley about my story and she will read it tonight and have Dr. H comment. Joyce asked if I could be called and be part of the show but given the I live in Italy they cannot make long distance calls.
They are going to use the name Mary for me.
stay tuned.
blessing

I am new to the sight and am in Plan B after my H seems ambivilent weather he wants me or the OW. He had an afair with a co-worker, he travel alot and she traveled with him,
He told his boss this week and says she is resigning. I am not sure if I should go to HR with this information - we need his salary, but I want him to experience some type of consequence. I have two boys 5 and 18 months. He has been out of the house for 1 month. We both in therapy separatly. He is depressed so I do not know if goingto hr will lift the fog or not. He is still emotionally attached to this woman. We started talking about a week or so ago, went to dinner- me thinking things were going well all the time he was making plans with her for the following weekend, I gave him the ultimatum, if you go it is over, He cancelled, but until he tell me she is out of the picture for good I will not speak to him, just facts about the kids.
I want the fog to be lifted and I need this woman out of my life.

Mason, so as not to lose our story in Atena's thread, I started you your own. Here, http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2432338#Post2432338

Welcome

Let me know when this will air, if possible.

It aired today and you can listen to the rebroadcast.
He basically said that my WH is a freeloader and will go from one A to the other and it is unlikely that he will return to the M.
In the remote chance he does he will pretend to be back into it only to revert back to is usual behaviour later on.
He also said to be honest with my son and tell him all the truth, which I did.
Joyce also encouraged me to email more questions to follow up in case I need to and they will answer them.
I am going to ask them if one is born a freeloader. I think Dr. H made it pretty clear that my WH will not come back, if at all, 100% repentant. Basically he said WH will end up probably with very few friends because his attitude towards people is also of a free loader so he wil not develop deep frienships (and that is true, he never did).
He said that it is important I tell son how much the A has ruined my life. He added and POSSIBLY WH's life too.
blessing

Atena I am so sorry,

What are your plans now? I'm sure you will not sit there and wait any longer right? I hope not.

Get your life back and find someone that will treat you descent. So sorry again.

Sorry Atena....Im feeling your pain, all to well.

I sort of expected that, I sort of knew he was going to say that the type of wayward my H is is the type that will continue his waywardness and independent behavior till they are old.
I am going to ask Dr. H why someone like my WH who is so adamant about wanting his own independence and the freedom to have female friends, why on earth someone like him have a relationship with OW that now lasted 2 and half years (one year of which fully exposed to all) when he could just go from one woman to the next without commitment....
Oh yes, I am moving on....he is truly not worth it.
blessing

I just wanted to add another thing Dr H said. He said that these type of wayward (freeloaders) will continue to have A because they will never put into place the extraordinary precautions necessary to avoid them. So they will always fall into risky behavior and sooner or later cheat on their current partner.
I just wanted to add this because I think it says a lot about how little we could do as BS to prevent the A when WS was not willing to work on taking precautions to prevent the A and when all they wanted was to have female friends and their space to do what they wanted.
blessing

I have wondered the same about my WH.....Unless....They are already cheating on the OW and we just dont know it...Heck, I didnt even know for 2 years that he was cheating on me. I wasnt even suspicious until the last few months before Dday.

I mean gosh the OW put up with them staying with their wife whilst they were adultering....when we found out and wouldnt stand for it they prolly figure to stay with OW so they always have that person who will put up with the cheating.

Yes, I think we live under the illusion that they are faithful to OW. Our WHs are not living with OW so imagine how many opportunities they have to make female friends, to have independent behavior and to not account for what they do.
I saw it with my own eyes: the A was already fully active by then (I just did not know then) and WH and I were at a job event where many people were present including very attractive women. My WH was able to manage to flirt with 2 of them within the span of an hour.
Not too many days later in the occasion of our son's graduation he was very flirty with a much younger colleague. We were all at the beach together and he put his towel next to hers and then went to swim with her. All this, again, when he was already fully in the A with current OW (and of course still living with me)....
Now he might still very well be into his swimming team activity (his new interest after the separation) where tons of good looking female athletes participate. OW does not because of her pacemaker and heart condition. I can only imagine the flirting and the "friendships" WH is eager to foster especially when OW is forced to spend time with her brats.
We are talking about people who had several A here, not little innocent lambs.
Blessing

We thought too much of ourselves to put up with their crap....OW dont, they took scraps to begin with.

Dr H won't say this, but here's my take;

The reason he is having sex with OW is because she lets him.

He is not having sex with multiple OWs, because nobody else is letting him, at the moment. If someone else does, he will.

OWs only become OWs because they are easy, not because they are special.

He stays with her because she is easy, not because she is special.

From what you have describe (if I remember correctly), theirs is not the earth-shattering romance of the millennium. There is no sign of marriage and they do not live together. He has not turned his life over to her, he just shags her regularly.

He ain't all that, that "he could just go from one woman to the next without commitment". Quite a lot of women have standards. They want a boyfriend, and eventually a husband, who is a decent man, especially if they are older and have already had a marriage breakdown.

He just met a woman without standards, that's all. In time he'll meet another.

Stop fretting about why they are still together. Just be glad that he didn't reluctantly go back to YOU.

Wow! Dr Harley nailed this right on, Atena! He called your H a "freeloader." [we knew this] A "renter will bargain to the minimum to get back in."

Your "son learned his father is a disgrace." Or "he might say his father had the right idea."

atena, even though Dr. H thought WH is freeloader, you should wait till after D to start dating.

You will need that time to get your own head on straight instead of jumping into another R.

Blessings.

And that is what I have meant.