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#2431992 10/04/10 03:26 AM
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jodyh Offline OP
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hi there. i am new to MB, and have come here out of pure desparation. my husband was recently away from home for 2 months on a work contract. and i suppose you all know what happened. when he admitted to the affair, he expressed genuine regret for what happened. i told him that i was willing to forgive him, and to try and move on from here. we have been married for nearly 10 years and have to beautiful children together. and i love him. now he has decided that he is going to leave after christmas, that he is unsure what he wants, and isn't even sure that he is making the right decision to leave. he tells me he loves me and will always love me. but i feel that this other woman is influencing his thoughts, as she is still contacting him every day. he says that he doesn't love her. could someone please help me....

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Hello Jody. Sorry you are here.

Your wayward husband is acting the typical scripted role of a cake-eating adulterer. Both you and the OW meet needs for him so he sits on the fence liking it. A lot.

Get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as possible. Until then read all the free stuff here particularly Plan A, Emotional Needs and Love Busters.

Do they work together? If so one has to leave that job.

Quote
as she is still contacting him every day.

He must sever contact with OW for life or you will not/can not recover your marriage. No Contact for life between your wayward husband and OW is your first and primary goal.

Is OW married? If so her betrayed husband must be told of the adultery.

How old are you and your children?

More MBers will chime in soon I believe.


Last edited by chrisner; 10/04/10 12:15 PM.

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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See the popular links to the right of the screen and get a grasp of the basic concepts of Marriage Builders.

Here is a very good thread to start reading. Pay particular attention to Mark1952's posts on Plan A for both the Carrot and the Stick and how to apply them.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240&page=1





Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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now he has decided that he is going to leave after christmas, that he is unsure what he wants, and isn't even sure that he is making the right decision to leave. he tells me he loves me and will always love me.

jodyh, welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here.

Your WH (wayward husband) is feeding you the above crapola because, as Chrisner said, he's got a great arrangement where he goes back and forth between two women and he wants to keep it that way. He tells you this stuff to keep you dangling and off balance while he has both a wife and a girlfriend.

Anytime a WS (wayward spouse) says, "I'm not sure of what I want" it ALWAYS means, "I like having both a marriage and someone on the side." THAT is what he really wants and he's not "unsure" about it for a minute. He's just hoping he can frighten and manipulate you into going along with it.

Make no mistake - he will keep this going for just as long as he possibly can. He will NOT stop on his own. It's going to be up to you to bust up this fantasy of his that he can have both a wife and girlfriends.

But as long as you understand that this is very typical WS behaviour, you will see that there is a path to recovery and there is a lot you can do. Get the books and start reading about Plan A and Plan B.

Let us know how it's going.


Me, BW
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he says that he doesn't love her.

Waywards lie about everything. You must understand that and apply this to all conversations with your WH in the near future.

Whether the above is a lie or not please understand he IS addicted to the attention and whatever emotional needs SHE is providing for him.

South Africa is around 7 hours (+-2 hours) from the majority of the posters here so be prepared for delayed responses.

Keep posting.


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You can stop this and there is much hope for you, but you must be prepared to do things which will really upset your WH.

First, you need to find out who this OW is. You then need to find out if she�s married or not. If she is, then you must contact her husband and let him know what is happening. If not, then contact her family and out her on FB, if she has a page.

You must also expose to your own family and especially to his family.

Then, you must be prepared to drop the hammer on him from a legal standpoint. He will cake eat for as long as possible until you put a stop to the cake eating by taking a strong stand. Letting him know that you will not accept being his standby while he�s off living it up is a big wakeup call. Let him know you will consult a lawyer if he�s leaving and that you must establish a child support arrangement with him, especially if he�s not going to be in the house.

Separate your finances as well. Open a new account that only you have access to and put your family funds into that. You need to do this to protect yourself from his affair and wrecklessness.

These are all tough steps. But he will control you as long as you�re begging, pleading, crying, etc. You will control the situation when you start to show backbone and a willingness to enforce consequences on him for his affair.

Let him know that you will also file for sole physical and legal custody and for abandonment and adultery as well and will hold him accountable legally.

Throw into this Plan A. Your legal steps are part of the stick of Plan A. I�m not telling you to file for D.

Part of dealing with a wayward is a mind game. Letting them know that you�re willing to take steps to completely destroy them legally is part of it. Will you be able to do so in reality? No. Unless you can show he�s a negligent father and abusive, you won�t be able to get sole physical and legal custody.

But men are also really stupid when it comes to legal stuff. He may willingly give you everything in the foolish belief that you won�t follow up.

Others can advise you on Plan A, but keep the stick handy. Men especially are vulnerable to the mind games necessary to put a stop to an affair. They often are driven less by love for the OW and more by other matters. But that�s my own opinion. I think for men it becomes an issue of the excitement of the OW than by actual love.

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Welcome to MB and I am sorry.

This is one of the most devastating things you will ever have to deal with in your life. You CAN come out of it better. That can be through a marital recovery or through your personal recovery. Don't make any hard and fast decisions yet, but do read all of the info on this site and learn all that you can.

What you will need to do is Plan A. As everyone else has posted, Plan A has both the carrot and the stick to it. So, you will need to identify your WH's top ENs and you will work on meeting those through everything you do everyday. You will identify the Love busters that you have committed in the past and you will avoid them. You will also find out who OW is and you will expose the affair to everyone who has influence on your WH and OW. It may seem counter-intuitive but it is truly effective and your best chance at recovering.

Welcome


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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I am sorry you have to be here but you have been give a great beginning to start with by some really wonderful helpful people. I know you are devastated and angry and lost and feeling confused and distressed among other things. READ the threads all you can. Read the advise and follow it, they are NOT steering you wrong. Do what is suggest to the T don't deviate don't think you know better. These suggestions are put to the test and work if done right. As some have posted regardless of what happens you will recover either with a stronger marriage or personally.

There is no magic pill or ball, this hurts and its scary. You will often feel confused and feel like you want to give up. That is why the folks are here to lean on when you need it.


Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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jodyh Offline OP
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I dont think i can do this anymore. I have tried your advice, and he just insists that his mind is made up. i dont know if it is worth outing them. i have found her on facebook. i want him to tell his family, but he says he's not ready. i just can't think straight. he says he told her that i know about her. apparently she feels bad about the whole thing, but obviously not bad enough to leave him alone. and if i confront her, what's going to stop him from from going to her. i have started having nightmares now. i wake up crying a feeling as if a giant hole has been punched through my chest. you know, i have even considered letting him have us both. pathetic, i know. but i am so confused and afraid of losing him.....

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Yes, I know the "I am going to leave on such and such date"
During my WH first A the date was always postponed and he never moved out. During his second A he moved out and it has been a year now.
You have do to plan A followed by plan B.
DO plan A for as much as you can bear it....maybe in the condition you are in now you are already ready for plan B.
Just tell him there is no use waiting till Xmas...that he can leave now (I whish I had said so to my WH!!!!!It was agony for a year or more for me, sheer agony)
If he objects then say: well if you go NC with OW and write a NC letter to her then we can discuss R, but I can't be in a M where you have a girlfriend.
You will lose him for sure if you keep doing what you are doing...
blessing


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Originally Posted by jodyh
I dont think i can do this anymore. I have tried your advice, and he just insists that his mind is made up. i dont know if it is worth outing them. i have found her on facebook. i want him to tell his family, but he says he's not ready. i just can't think straight. he says he told her that i know about her. apparently she feels bad about the whole thing, but obviously not bad enough to leave him alone. and if i confront her, what's going to stop him from from going to her. i have started having nightmares now. i wake up crying a feeling as if a giant hole has been punched through my chest. you know, i have even considered letting him have us both. pathetic, i know. but i am so confused and afraid of losing him.....

Jody, what do you mean:"I don't think I can do this anymore."??? You haven't been on this site long enough to do anything! Why are you rolling over and giving your husband away to this woman??

Have you read Dr. Harley's articles? Please do that and then let us help you develop a plan to kill this affair! If you've read anything on here at all, you've read about Exposure. As in YOU expose the A to anyone in a position to influence WH and OW to end it. Your H does NOT expose the A. If you let him do it he will spin it to make it sound like the M was doomed for years, you're a nutcase who ignores his needs, blah blah blah.

You have considered letting him have you both??? faint Oh, yeah boy - he sure would like that! doh2 I can't even address this, Jody, it's such a disgusting and disrespectful (to you and your kids) idea. But I'll say this much - I know of two cases where I knew people who handled their respectives A's this way. ALL the parties AND THEIR CHILDREN were damaged from the emotional abuse of this deceptive lifestyle.

Only you can decide if exposing them is "worth it." Here's what will probably happen, either way:

You expose = WH gets mad, stomps around, says he was going to end the A but now you've done this terrible thing by outing him so all bets are off. You calmly reply "I'm sorry if it's upsetting to you right now, but I love you and I will do whatever it takes to save our M." He storms out, then comes back later.

You DON'T expose = WH and OW continue the A, their bond grows. A becomes entrenched. They start going to social events together and everyone sees them as a 'couple'. They explain you away as his nutcake wife that he's been separated from for fill in the blank years, that he only sees you when he sees the kids, the divorce will be final soon, etc. And then he'll have to put up or shut up, and you'll be in divorce court.

Which one do you want? Proceed accordingly.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Exposure is not something you discuss with him or warn him about. You do it in a massive way. You expose to her family and friends on FB. You tell your family and friends. You say, �WH is having an affair with OW. I want to save my marriage and would appreciate your support.�

Done. Nothing else needs to be said. If you need to understand the importance of exposure, then read a few other threads. You�ll see the massive impact exposure has. But if you wish to end this affair, then exposure is the very first and one of the most critical steps.

Many, many, many affairs stop right then and there.

But sitting on the sideline and trying to reason with him and crying aren�t going to get you anywhere.

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Exposure has the potential of nipping the A in the bud. So you do have a good chance of ending the A that way.
If it does not work then you know the A is entrenched and there is little to do, for now, to save your M but to go on plan B.
You will have a plan of action either way instead of crying and falling apart which is totally normal but you need to react and do something...

blessing


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Originally Posted by jodyh
I dont think i can do this anymore. I have tried your advice, and he just insists that his mind is made up. i dont know if it is worth outing them. i have found her on facebook. i want him to tell his family, but he says he's not ready. i just can't think straight. he says he told her that i know about her. apparently she feels bad about the whole thing, but obviously not bad enough to leave him alone. and if i confront her, what's going to stop him from from going to her. i have started having nightmares now. i wake up crying a feeling as if a giant hole has been punched through my chest. you know, i have even considered letting him have us both. pathetic, i know. but i am so confused and afraid of losing him.....

Hi Jody, welcome to Marriage Builders. You probably are going to lose him if you continue on this path. See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so by helping him keep his secret, you are helping the affair thrive. It is a little like driving the alcoholic to the liquor store. Keeping his affair secret only serves to enable it.

Exposing the affair will be like bringing in a crowd of onlookers to the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the high.

So, if you want the best chance of saving your marriage, then you will expose. But you are probably headed to divorce if you don't.

Exposure should be done without forewarning to all your friends and family, including the OW's family and facebook friends. They should all be told she is doing a married man.

Here is what Dr Harley, founder of Marriage Builders and clinical psychologist, says about exposure:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Exposure saved my marriage.

You can, not expose and enable the affair longer and have him DEFINITELY leave you and go to her..

OR

You can expose the affair to EVERYONE, kill it dead on its track, and save your marriage.

Your choice

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Originally Posted by jodyh
I dont think i can do this anymore. I have tried your advice, and he just insists that his mind is made up. i dont know if it is worth outing them. i have found her on facebook. i want him to tell his family, but he says he's not ready. i just can't think straight. he says he told her that i know about her. apparently she feels bad about the whole thing, but obviously not bad enough to leave him alone. and if i confront her, what's going to stop him from from going to her. i have started having nightmares now. i wake up crying a feeling as if a giant hole has been punched through my chest. you know, i have even considered letting him have us both. pathetic, i know. but i am so confused and afraid of losing him.....
jodyh, first I think you should read what you posted again. Notice how many times he comes up? He is being selfish and you know that. I think you are so afraid of loosing him you are willing to just roll over and give him what he wants. Let's just say you give in to his demands, then what? Yes you have him in your life but you will still feel the way you do now maybe even worse. PLEASE listen to what the other posters are telling you. Stand up for yourself. EXPOSE to everyone. Yes he will be pissed but he also will have to face his ugly behavior. Stand strong and when he blames you and gives you the usual babble. (well I was thinking of staying but now there is no chance.. etc.)ignore it and realize it is an alien talking. There is a post here about the usual babble that comes out of a WH/WW mouth. Maybe you should read that and see if it sheds some light on your situation.

Last edited by suamico; 10/08/10 12:53 PM. Reason: It didn't make sense

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Your WH saying "his mind is made up" is NO REASON AT ALL not to follow Plan A/exposure.

I love telling newbies about my sister's WH, who was so deeply entrenched in his A, I was doubtful she could end it...but a NUCLEAR exposure killed the affair dead. The OW HATED being confronted and after being outed on FB would not talk to him anymore.

The question of how successful a BS here can be in busting up the A really has nothing to do with what the WS is saying/doing but whether the BS can put their fears/feelings aside and follow the plans.

Hang in there!


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Yep.

Expose.
Brace yourself for the brown storm
Plan A.

None of this is instinctive but let me tell you it feels MAGNIFICNT to take up a righteous sword against adultery in your own life when you feel as little like a warrior as you could ever be !

The the time for you to become a warrior queen, not a feeble handmaiden.

Press the EXPOSE button and wait for the vicious writhing of the affairees ! Don't take it seriously, ALL waywards threaten hell on earth when their dirty little secret is busted.

And you will feel an itch in your right palm as the whip hand in your OWN life passes from them to you.

I URGE you to know this dignity like I did ! DO IT !


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:::knock knock knock::: Jody? You still with us?

I'm concerned that you think exposure will be too much work. Please tell me that I'm wrong. You do want to save your M, right?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!


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