Tom, stop interjecting this garbage. Show me where someone's got a beef with religion. You are serving yourself with this quote. The posters here don't dwell on religion. Don't interject extraneous religious issues into this poster's issues.

H gone out drinking with friends not come home. Been awake all night. So what next?

Tell him tommorow morning that he did not call you again and went out while you were waiting at home for him.

For now, go to bed.

Just saw Shawshank redemtion, one of my favorite flicks. Blues brothers is on now ,lol. well thats and idea hitch, go watch a movie and laugh.


Ps . its on encore

Hitch,

Remember you are in Plan A...

NOT plan doormat.

YOU ask him out...

IF he declines...

YOU go anyway...

with your GIRLFRIEND (NO MEN ALLOWED)...

to the movies...

to dinner...

but NO BARS...

NO MEN...

and NO DRINKING.

CELL PHONE TURNED ON AT ALL TIMES.

You give him your cellphone number written with a big happy face and tell him if he would like to join you afterward just give you a ring!!!

DO NOT WAIT AT HOME FOR HIM TO COME HOME.

YOU protect your boundaries but you do NOT cater to his efforts at punishing you.

You show him a woman in love with her H.

Well dressed but modest.

Eagerly looking forward to seeing him later.

But...

Most of all...

HAVING FUN BEING HERSELF!!!

God bless.

Jim

Hi Guys

Well my H stayed out last night and did not come home and I had about 2 hours sleep. I had the most horrendous nightmare again about him with OW and everyone telling me that I had a breakdown and needed to go to hospital, horrible. Anyway I was awake most of the night and thinking about everything that has been said to me on MB about not reacting and being in Plan A. I just thought I am at my limits I can cope with him staying out late getting drunk, or him being nasty verbally but I cannot go back to that place before when he was staying out every night, and that is really my limit.

I just thought, Hitch you have been ill the last few days with a bug probably, you can barely function you need to get him out of the house and take care of yourself. I hope everyone remembers that this has been going on for 7 months. So I wrote him a Plan B letter, in it said;

* How my only regret in life would be the affair and would never forgive myself for the hurt and pain I caused him
* The OM didn't mean anything to him, and that he took advantage of my vulnerabilities and I let him
* That I avoided conflict by communicating my needs to my H and hid in OM affair
* That I would always despise the OM for causing me to lose the love of my life
* That I loved my H more than anyone
* That his disrespect, contact with OW and lack of commitment to rebuild the marriage is causing me stress and unhappiness
* That until he can commit to rebuilding the marriage, end contact with OW and stop acting disrepectfully that I would like him to leave our home
* That I do not want any further contact with him so I can recover alone
* That either we honor our vows and be married out we are appart and that punishment is not part of the equation and only honest effort is part of the equation
* I love him very much and did not want it to come to this, but I need to look after myself

Anyway, H came home about 1030am, and I handed him the letter. He went outside and read it and came back through the front door, then said I have read your letter, is it OK if I got changed first? I said OK. Then I went to the kitchen and hid, probably the worst 1/2 hour later, he came in the kitchen and said can I have a cup of tea before I go? I said if you must then you have to leave. He came over crying and said Hitch , please don't do this. I then said, you have given me no choice, he said I love you Hitch, please dont make me go, I just don't know how to deal with this.

I then said;

* OM meant nothing to me, I love you and only you.
* You have to man up and take responsibility for this situation too, I am tired and can't go on
* That I can help you deal with this, I dont expect you to do this alone, I want to help you
* That I can forgive you for the other women but I need you not to have contact to make me feel safe, I have nightmares all the time and am in pain too, and I know that you are too, so we need to help and support each other
* You do what you did last night again, then you will have to leave no negotiation, I can't do another night like that.

He then hugged me, and apologised again. I said do you agree to whats in the letter? He said yes I do Hitch but I am confused and scared.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we have moved all of my stuff out of our other property so there is no second home to move to as it is rented out and at the moment he is cooking me a 3 course meal.

No I know there is still a way to go and I am not getting ahead of myself, but at least I have the verbal commitment, have communicated my boundaries to him and communicated some of the other issues that have been suggested here.

Wooo Hooooo!

Wow, Hitch. Lots going on. I think you are showing great strength. I'm sending a hug your way.

Thanks Holyheart - would you mind if you sent a stiff drink my way instead - its been quite day.

X2

This is progress Hitch. You both shared feelings honestly and he admited he is scared. Can you get him to read the books published here? It should help him a lot. Not in just the mechcanics of human relationship but also in understanding what happened to you guys. Remember people are vastly different but the disciplines work for everyone. It will not take him away from who he is, it will add to that. He is still unique. He can grow just like everyone can.


You can tell he just wanted to honor your wishes but had no clue how to "fix" everything can't you? Tell him he is welcome on this forum. If he posts it is ussually suggested he stay off your thread and you his until drama and painful issues are resolved between you. In other words, they are in the past and don't have the power that they do now.


YAY!

Hello Constant

I would love to get him to come on this forum and will order a book to see if he will read it. Although he is very anti, self help, counselling type of person but with a gently push he may give it a go.

Thanks for all your support so far, I really have listened to some of the things you have told me.

Hitch

Hitch,

You have handled yourself very well, make sure you keep making him believe that he is the most important person to you and that he doesn't have to be scared that you love him and that you will never hurt him again, and that he can believe in you and the two of you together........
Remember he would be gone if that is what he really wanted.........
He doesn't want to go, he loves you, he wants it to work, he just isn't there yet, he is getting there, be patient and loving.........try to laugh a little .......

Your welcome Hitch anytime.

I had to laugh though and wanted to pick on you. You said you have listened to "some" of the things I said, but I know you have "consided" them all after you read them all. Thats good BTW, I don't think I know it all and my crystal ball is out for repairs this week. Lol.

Jessie is right and you are doing great. H needs to accept help and guidance from some source and the faster he gets it the better his life can become. He must know this at some level but for now you are investing in Him while he processes his fear. When he sees how much you love him he will be more interested in loving you. In that I mean your emotions and security.

Hope he comes here and at least reads and opens himself to the books. Life is worthless without positive relationships.

Evening everyone,

would anyone mind sharing with me when you are classed as 'in recovery'?

Thanks

Lol, Why?..mmmmmmm. my crystal ball came back today. It says H is saying you are allready recovering so you don't need any help.

Tell me if I need to send it back to the crystal ball mechanic K?

Ok, seriuosly though, I would say, and this is my opinion not nessesarly shared by MB or its associates. I would say when both of you are willing to fill out the forms on this site for ENs, and you both agree that things are getting better, and ...you both are willing to realize that you will need help as you mature in marriage.

If you are both radically honest with each other and currently seeking a more intimate,(and that does not mean just sex), relationship you at the right start.

If either of you are trying to gloss over the past and not willing to give any more than you have to to change how your marriage works, or doesn't work, your setting yourself up for another problem.

Its GOOD that you worry about your marriage and take actions to protect, cherish, and maintain close time together filled with honest communication and fufilling each others needs. Its GOOD to say what you want and expect in a marriage.

Its good to trust your mate with your life. But trust must be earned. Respect must be demanded.

Hope that helps

Hi Constant, this time your cystal ball was wrong, but I expect when pushed this may be H response! No I was just enquiring as to when you move your thread into that forum.


General update:

The second property is now rented out, which is kind of a formal move to being together as a couple again. My H was great on Saturday when we moved out all the furniture, as it was all furniture I bought after we moved out of our home and into our second home. He made no comments, only asked a question as to how I got a chest of oak drawers upstairs and asked if OM helped me.

Anyway, I have been ill with a viral infection so H was been quite good at looking after me. I have a question if anyone has time. After renting out the second property I have thought this is it now we are back together, I suppose I am quite nervous aswell and hope that things work out and don't want them to be the way it was before.

My question is, how do you know when you being too needy with your H and when he is neglecting you? I had a real trigger today with H of how things were before the A, and it was when I needed to consult him on how much I sell something for, he got really impatient, he was sat at his desk doing some work (it was during the evening) and his body language and tone just made me feel as though he wasn't interested and didn't have time for me.

Is this me being too needy or him not giving me undivided attention?

Thanks Hitch

Hello Hitch,

Have day off today, and just reviewing some posts here before I harverst the last of the tomatoes and take the plants out. When you have predicted temps in the 70's and 80's as we do for this week you know you cannot push your luck that it will last for this area.

Anyway, I wouldn't get too concerned about catching your H in either an irritable or preoccupied situation just for a single time. It would have been better if he had just said: Hitch, I have to get this done. Could we talk about this a little later?" If he had been watching a football game, well that is a different matter...*s* Most of us are guilty of this at various times. If I walk in my bosses office to ask for a couple of vacation days next week, and he gives me that feeling of not wanting to be bothered at the moment, or is getting irritated with someone on the phone, I just choose a different time. If this happens again Hitch, I would just ask him to sit down while you explain that dismissing you or not following up with your request makes you uncomfortable.

Take care,

Tom

I don't think that was needy of you. He owns it also so it was responsible for you to do so.

Now if he allready told you or told how to handle it like, get an estimate or he doesn't care, he would be acting out of impatience. Still not the best way to deal with someone who is your partner and is acting out of concern, not neediness.

I will send crystal ball bach to the wizard of Oz. I don't think we need it anymore.

Hitch,
I think he was probably just thinking of something totally separate from your marriage and you if he was at his desk working......
I think when you have lived a past that you weren't having your needs met it's easy to take yourself back to that feeling.......
It might not have anything to do with him, it might have more to do with your fears.........
You aren't quite there yet with your husband and until there is a better comfort level and a trust level between you two, you might have a few moments like that.....
Remember Hitch, the big picture.......you can only control you and how you are with him........don't let the little things get to you..........fear causes us to doubt, don't go there, believe in you and your marriage...........

Yes I think you right Jessi, I am just super sensitive to working on a better marriage which includes one where we are both involved.



Never a truer word said, there is a lot of fear, fear that I can't deal with what I did to him, fear that he won't want to meet my emotional needs. Just being negative, its because we have rented out the other property and it makes it more final. I just don't want things to go back to the way we were.



Nooooooo, don't go and do that, its just havng a an off day!

Overall, guys my H and I are in a much better place. I could be making a MASSIVE asumption here, but sometimes do the WS carry the guilt, pain ect longer than the BS? I can imagine it is something that I will always regret massively....

Did the OM help you?
What did you tell your H?

Hi The Road

No the OM didn't help me, the furniture shop did, but I did tell my H that he helped put up the wardrobe.