About two months ago, I discovered that my wife was carrying on an emotional affair with a former boyfriend from high school. At that point, there had been very limited physical contact, and she agreed to stop all contact with him. Unfortunately, she has been unable to refrain from contact for longer that about 10 days. We have been happily married for 22 years, and have four children, ages 10-18. She says that she has been unhappy for a number of years, and that she was afraid to tell me. After the initial discovery, we sat down and made a list of things that we would like from each other. My list consisted mainly of conditions like no contact, openness/honesty, etc. She came up with a list of things that were making her unhappy. I have been attempting to change all of the things that she has asked. She convinced me to leave my home for a trial separation to work on the marriage. I stupidly agreed because I though that whe would leave and I didn't want to disrupt my children's lives any more than necessary. I let her know that if I discovered that she had resumed contact, I would be coming back home immediately. She used this time (which was only one week), to plan and carry out a sexual liaison, so now the affair is full-blown. I confronted her, and she made a full confession. She seemed to be very remorseful, but honestly at this point, I have heard so many lies that I can't tell. We are now living together, attempting to work on our marriage. I am still monitoring her, and every indication is that she has broken it off. She refuses to have any physical contact with me. Any discussion of working on the marriage leads to a heated argument. She continues to insist on spending her leisure time with a divorced girlfriend, and while my checking up on her has not turned up any new evidence of contact, I am not sure. I am extremely suspicious and distrustful, but I still love my wife and want to make this work. I am trying to work on plan A. What should I do now?

Hi Mark. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Who is the OM? Is he married and if so, does his wife know. Has her affair been exposed to your children and other family members?


What are your snooping techniques?

OM is an old high school boyfriend (last person she dated before me). He is divorced- was married for 18 years and wife left him because of his adultery. Affair has not been exposed to the children, although the two teenagers suspect it. My parents and her parents have been told. She insists that she has broken it off, and we are now "working on the marriage", because she has been unhappy for a long time, which according to her is totally unrelated to the affair (right). She has agreed to give it 30 days and then "re-evaluate". I have decided to try to live as normally as possible during this time, and stop discussing the affair and the problems. We are getting along well, but there is very little physical affection. She has let me know in no uncertain terms that sex is out of the question. I'm just not sure if I am doing the right thing.

Im sorry but that affair is not over by a long shot. IN fact Id bet a large amount that it is on full fire. She in UNABLE to give your marriage full attention while she is in the affair. She is in the FOG and she can NOT think right. EXPOSURE is the key and Plan A. Read the link below to find out about both. Begin snooping and get your evidence and move forward with saving your marriage. You are in a fight take it seriously she is NOT going to be happy with you but at this point she is doing what the pros here call cake eating. Her needs are being meet by you her husband and the OM. STOP this or your marriage is sure to continue on the road it is on.

This is a newbie thread with a load of links for the most important readings.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Exposure is the first thing you should do. ALL of the most influential people in your WW's circle and OM's circle should be informed. This INCLUDES your children. My children have been told about their father's affair and they were 6 and 9 when I told them.

Affairs THRIVE on secrecy. Exposure is key.

This is part of what DrH calls Plan A. You need to tell your WW that you have rethought her plan for 30 days and you have decided that you don't want a deadline for your marriage, afterall, your vows said, "Till death due us part," not, "For 30 days, until I can figure out what I want." All this means is that she is still in an active affair.

Even though you say that OM's W left due to his affairs, I would still add her to the list, along with his parents, friends, and family. You should copy his friend list off of FB.

So, your mission ATM is to continue snooping(keylogger, GPS, VAR, etc) and expose. Good luck

Don't stop her cake-eating yet. Meet her EN's the best you can, even knowing that OM is meeting some of them, too.

Build up good memories that will come back and haunt her once you go to Plan B.

Cake-eating itself is not the enemy. It's good as long as you firmly cut off every last crumb of the supply when the right time comes.

I'm sorry you are here. Consider her refusal of intimacy to be a good thing. Given OM is apparently active sexually with about anything that wears a skirt, she needs to be tested for STD's and you do as well. I know, I know, she hadn't had any relations with him until you separated. Cheaters lie and they lie almost continuously.

Get yourself tested, and insist that she does for her own health if nothing else.

She is still in withdrawal, but exposure needs to take place and you definitely need to tell your children in age appropriate manner. You are currently torturing them and they don't deserver or need it. The KNOW something is wrong. THEY fear that their family will break up but the real fear lies in what they don't know and imagine. Give them the truth, let them know what is happening, that way they can cope with the situation as it evolves.

Exposure should be complete. Plan a should be applied for a significant time, and definitely work on any love busters you have been doing.

Hang in there this is a long process and you have just started it.

God Bless,

JL

I am definitely still in snoop mode, and so far, all of my snooping has turned up nothing. The real change in WW's attitude came when she called OM to finally break it off, which she disclosed to me voluntarily, and call only lasted 16 mins., which is a record for them (couldn't convince her to do the letter). He basically told her to "fish or cut bait", that he was tired of waiting for her to decide between me and him. Between that and the fact that she has found out that he has disclosed the affair to some of their old high school friends, her fantasy bubble of him seems to have been burst. When his name comes up now, she no longer gets emotional, she gets angry. She has been steadily more affectionate towards me in the past week, and although she still will only admit to her day being "okay" (never good), I have not seen her in the depths of despair that she was regularly in for the first couple of weeks of no contact. I have decided to continue Plan A for the next month, and see what she comes up with on her "re-evaluation date". If she decides to leave, I am going to do a nuclear exposure. I am still monitoring her activities. I know that it is possible (maybe even likely) that she is still carrying on, even though I haven't found a single shred of evidence. Am I just paranoid to be so distrustful when everything seems to be checking out? Or am I stupid to give her this month? She is still in the fog, but it seems to be lifting somewhat. I just don't know what to do. My older children are pretty much aware of everything (not every detail, but they know there is another man). I just can't bring myself to discuss this with my younger children yet, not if there is any possibility that we can work this out. That is probably not smart, but I am a little weak where the children are concerned.

Also, my wife and I are LDS (Mormon). If there are others of our faith on this board, I would be interested in hearing from you, as there are some unique circumstances surrounding our beliefs about marriage, and some of the church disciplinary consequences in cases of adultery. So, if anyone out there is LDS, please feel free to speak up.

Mark - Exposure isn't a bargaining chip or a weapon, it is a tool to end the affair. So she has broken off contact for now - Exposure ENSURES the contact stays broken. It provides accountability.

Your children ABSOLUTELY must know. All of them must be told by YOU in age appropriate language. Whether you work this out or not. They sense that there is something wrong in their world, left to their own devices they will construct their own reason for why that is. That reason could be damaging to them.

The TRUTH is important. They have a right to know what is going on in their lives.

This is a VALUABLE teaching experience for them: on the difference between right and wrong, on the importance of the family and standing up for what is right, on the power of repentance and forgiveness.

Your wife seems resistant to real recovery. That's pretty typical. That's why it falls to you to lead. She must reinforce her NC phone call with a letter. This is for YOU. So the call was short - but you have no clue what it contained. She writes the letter, and YOU ensure it gets to OM.

You are allowing her to have all the power here. SHE sets the 're-evaluation' date? Really.

It isn't for her to decide to stay with you, but for YOU to decide she is worth staying with.

And you are right to keep snooping. It isn't paranoid, it is smart and safe.

Finally, I am LDS. There are others here too. DoormatNoMore in Recovery's wife is LDS and she is the FWW there involved in an EA. I believe Writer1 is as well, and she is a FWW as well. I'm pretty sure Sapphire Returns and WheelsSpinning are LDS as well, Sapph is a FWW involved in a couple EAs. You may try searching for their stories.

Your wife should be counselling with her Bishop and Stake President. If you were married in the temple she has SEVERELY violated her Temple Covenants and should be working through the repentance process. If she is resistant to that, then that isn't a good sign.

Keep Snooping, Do a STELLAR Plan A, Expose to your children, Request that your wife confess to her Bishop.

Find some fun things to do together! Laughter is a key!

Plan A! Plan A! Plan A!

Snoop, Snoop, Snoop!

Even if things fall apart at the month re-evaluate date..... Continue to Plan A.

What methods of snooping are you using?

Do you have a gps tracker on her vehicle?
A keylogger on her computor?
Access to cell phone accounts?
Private Investigator?

I highly recommend all the above!

Thank you for your reply. She is petrified of beginning the repentance process. She has asked for and received release from all church callings, and has stopped partaking of the sacrament, but so far is avoiding coming forward to the bishop/stake president. She has promised she will do that "when she is ready", but is insistent that she be the one to initiate this. I have agreed to that, but at the end of this month, not only we she be re-evaluating, but so will I. Full exposure is going to happen by then, one way or another.

Do you have the book, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.?

If not, please order it & overnight it for yourself.

She isn't ready because she isn't repentant. If she were repentant she'd be in the office doing what needs to be done. Yes SHE must initiate it, it is very telling that she isn't doing it. VERY telling.

It isn't for her to determine to stop taking the sacrament indefinitely. If she is unworthy, she needs to go to work to become worthy.

When I returned to the church after 4 years of drinking and partying I went to the Bishop and humbly began the process. It was a relief and something I was eager to do. Yes there was fear, but it paled beside the desire to better my life. There was an acceptance I'd done wrong and a willingness to do what it took to become better.

She doesn't want to take responsibility for what she has done. I would make beginning the repentance process a requirement for your continued existence in this marriage.

I highly recommend that YOU are present anytime she decides to confess and make ammends for her adultery. Having once been a wayward myself, I know the spin that can roll off the lips of a half-hearted repentance. Your presence is necessary on all of these occasions!

The MB process can work well if you follow Dr. Harley's path that's laid out in his book Surviving An Affair.

I agree with TST.

Get Surviving an Affair. Read it ASAP.

You are right, in fact, she has even said that she doesn't feel "remorseful enough". We have been blessed with the friendship of a couple in our ward who have been through this experience (unbeknown to us). The WW in that situation has told me that it will be a big sign when she finally takes the step of confession. She is definitely addicted to OM, and it has been quite painful watching her go through withdrawal. She seems to be through the very worst of it, and I just know in my heart that if she would unburden herself and begin the process of repentance, that would help her so much. I just don't feel that I am in a position to force that.

You can't force. But you are not obligated to stay with an unrepentant adulteress. YOU have power here mark, not her. She has to convince you to stay, that she is safe and worth rebuilding what she has destroyed. If she won't repent, then, for your own wellbeing and that of your children, she will need to be removed from the family.

But we're putting the cart before the horse here. Plan A first.

Dr. Harley has apparently counseled with a lot of LDS members. On a radio show a couple of months ago he was talking about religious beliefs about marriage that many of his clients held, and though the name of the church was not mentioned, it was obviously LDS belief about temple marriage he was talking about. He and his wife were very respectful about LDS beliefs.

And as Vibrissa notes, there are a lot of LDS and former LDS on this forum. So you are in the right place.

Hi Markc,
I am also LDS and my H had an affair with an old high school girlfriend that he reconnected with at a reunion. That affair resulted in an OC. What a long recovery process it has been!

My H also went through the disciplinary council process. He wasn't ready to talk to the bishop right away (what wayward is?), but I was and I needed his help, so I made an appointment to at least get it out in the open. He went, too, and although wasn't very repentant at the time, was sorry he had hurt everyone.

It took nearly 5 months to get things under control and determine whether he even was going to stay with our family and stay in the church. By the time a council was set up (summer schedules) his demeaner and countenance had dramatically changed. He had hit bottom and was truly repentant. Believe it or not, he was just disfellowshiped. The criteria for the disciplinary action, his attitude and the feelings of the council were the deciding factor. The stake president told me that was not what he expected the outcome to be, but that they were guided to this decision. Although, it was outlined that even the slightest slip up on his part would result in immediate excommunication without the formal council again.

The whole thing was draining (I had to speak) but they handled it with complete compassion and love for my husband and a desire to see him fully repent and recover his status in the church. It was an awesome experience to see how it can truly work to the benefit of the person who has broken their convenants.

Your wife in understandably scared and probably not ready for all that yet. If my H had done it any sooner, I am sure he would have been excommunicated and may never have made it back. He was not mentally right yet! He still had a defensive mindset and not truly committed to me and our family yet. I believe all the set backs in scheduling were a blessing that allowed him time to see what he really wanted and where his heart was.

But this length of time doesn't usually happen. Maybe your wife wasn't as invested in the OM as my H was with the OW/OC and it won't take as long for her to become humble and own what she has done. My H was also particularly proud and successful. I think this contributed to him getting in so deep in the first place.

We are more than 6 years out from D-day and our relationship is far, far better than it ever was before. But it took nearly 5 years for me to feel normal again. So, don't plan on a quick fix. It has taken lots of work on both of our parts, moving to another state, and loads of therapy to help us keep on course to recover the marriage. There were many times along the way that I didn't think I could continue. He did a huge amount of the heavy lifting in recovery after the initial 6-7 months, where I had to whether him pining for another woman and the choices he had made.

Your wife will need to be on board with helping you to heal, as well.

The church has loads of support for the WS and there are many guidelines and meetings for them. As a BS, I felt a bit neglected and alone. You may have to find other support than church leaders. I also found that members don't generally know what to say (just like everyone else) and they avoided me. Of course, it was highly talked about, being so juicy of a topic. But not with me. And no one really knows what it would be like to have it happen until it does, so there were erroneous judgements about the adequacy of the BS as a spouse.

I hope you find someone that you can trust to be your support. And this board! I didn't find this until I was already 6 months into the mess. It would have been a huge comfort and give me some direction about what to do.

Sorry! I didn't mean for this to be so long!!

Take care. Be patient, but not a doormat. You may be afraid to call the shots on what you want for fear of driving her away. But this is a mistake (I made it for a long time). Don't let her be in charge of decisions because she is not thinking clearly yet and not your best interest (or family). Set your boundaries of what you will and will not accept.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

I�m not LDS but I�m very familiar with LDS since my roommate was LDS.

I would say you�re in luck in the sense that you will have support from your peers to saving your marriage and in pressuring her to end the affair.

It seems like the affair is over, but the odds are high that she�s communicating with him somehow.

What are your snooping methods? I recommend putting a keylogger on your computer so you can see what she writes to others and putting a VAR in her car to record any conversations she may be having with OM.

If the affair is ongoing, then expose it in full, follow Plan A.

But one of the biggest things you need to do is stop agreeing to the concept that there is a 30 day trial period. Let it be clear to her that divorce will not be easy or nice and that you aren�t going to simply roll over. She�s telling herself 30 days so she can later say, �I tried.�